Eight

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and his world belong to JK Rowling. I write to learn. No money is being made.

Chapter 8

Hermione woke up many hours later in yet another unfamiliar bed. Her eyes felt thick and heavy, and she remembered crying long and hard before finally falling asleep. She snuggled under the covers, not quite ready to deal with whatever awaited her on the other side of her eyelids.

Slowly memories of the day began to stroll through her mind. She knew her friends were probably somewhere in the rented Venetian flat, waiting for her. Was Severus with them? Had he disappeared back into his life, unconcerned for her and glad that she was safe so he didn't have to think about her anymore? Would he say goodbye? She had questions to ask ... Would she see him again?

Not wanting to think anymore, since her thoughts had turned to unpleasant things, Hermione opened her eyes to see Luna quietly humming as she sat on the sill of a large window, staring out at a bright blue sky. Hermione glanced around the room, unable to remember anything about its layout from the night before. On the wall opposite the bed was a dresser. The window was to Hermione's right and the door to the room beside the dresser.

"Hey," said Hermione hoarsely.

Luna turned around and smiled. "Hey, Hermione. How are you?"

"I don't really know yet. Okay, I guess. What time is it?"

"Nearly nine."

"In the morning?!" Hermione cried.

Luna laughed. "Yup. You've been asleep the whole time. Barely even moved for the first nine hours or so."

Hermione's mind raced. They'd found a flat to rent at six the evening before, and Hermione hadn't even changed out of her clothes before falling into bed. Harry, Ron, Ginny and Luna had pledged to stay with her.

"Where's Severus?"

Luna raised an eyebrow. "He left last night, soon after you fell asleep."

"Where is he? Where did he go? Did he say anything?" Hermione asked in a rush, sitting up in the bed.

Luna smiled. "He'll be here soon. He checked in later last night, around ten, and you were still sleeping."

"What did he say?"

"Not much. I don't think he wanted to be around us much ..."

There was a soft knock at the door then, and Ginny poked her head around. "Hermione!" she called, throwing the door wide and rushing in. "You're up! I knew I heard your voice!"

Hermione gladly hugged her friend. "Morning, Ginny."

"Hermione's up?" Ron questioned from the hall. Soon he and Harry had joined the women in the bedroom.

"Need anything?" Harry asked Hermione. "Hungry?"

"Yes, I am. Thank you."

He left the room, and Ron pulled in two dining chairs from another room. Ginny and Luna sat on either side of Hermione, chatting quietly.

Hermione couldn't believe everything that had happened. Her life had been ripped from its course and tossed onto a dangerous detour. Was it possible that only yesterday she'd been truly kidnapped, threatened, and first angry at Severus and then grieved by his supposed death? What was more, she couldn't believe how quickly the adventure was all over. The last few days had been a blur ... had it been real?

Her heart constricted at the thought of Severus. She desperately wanted to see him, to talk to him...to be reminded that he was really and truly safe.

She ate breakfast while her friends talked, and as soon as she put her cup of coffee down on the nightstand, Ron spoke.

"Ready to talk?"

"Ron!" scolded Ginny. "Give her a minute to swallow, at least!"

Hermione laughed, amazed at how normal it felt. "No, it's okay, Ginny. I'm ready."

She launched into her story, beginning with that first day in Florence when she'd approached Severus. When she told them about staying in his home in Rome, Ginny interrupted her. "He lives in Rome?"

Hermione only smiled and continued. She hesitated when she got to the night before the mission, not sure if she wanted to disclose the kiss. Would he mind? When Hermione remembered the fight that had followed, she decided it wouldn't matter anyway; he'd never be inclined to repeat the mistake.

"Wait," said Ron, utterly disbelieving. "Wait, wait, wait! You kissed him? As in, on purpose?"

Hermione blushed and nodded.

"Snape? " blurted Harry, as stunned at Ron. "The Snape. The man who despised us in school, who made our lives insanely hard. Him?"

"Harry, you don't hate him anymore," said Ginny softly, squeezing Hermione's hand.

"Doesn't mean I want him snogging her!"

"What was it like?" Luna asked scientifically. "He has a very ... prominent nose. Did that interfere?"

Ron groaned and covered his ears, as though it would ward off the images in his head. Everyone else looked at Luna, and Ginny burst out laughing. Finally Ron seemed to relax, and Harry followed suit.

"No," Hermione said, answering Luna's question. "It was ... fine. It was better than fine." She sighed.

Ron shuddered.

"But there's no need to worry or think about it. I doubt it will ever happen again."

"Why?" Harry asked.

"We fought about it. End of story."

"Did he hurt you?" Ron demanded.

"No! Of course not! He did nothing but protect me."

"Go on," prompted Ginny.

Hermione detailed the mission as it was supposed to have gone. Harry and Luna added their story of saving Severus at the café, then going with him to the airport.

"Wait," said Hermione. "You were there? Where? I didn't see you...or anyone!"

"We were too late, held up at the café," said Harry grumpily. "When we got to the airport, it took us a few minutes to find the runway, and by then your plane was already moving down the runway. Snape tried to get to you, but he had no chance, really.

"Ginny and I got there while Snape was chasing the plane down," said Ron.

"Why weren't you with Harry and Luna?"

Ginny and Ron told their story, and then Harry picked up with what they did next. "Snape hacked into the program that tracks flight plans and saw that yours was headed to Venice. He gave us Apparition coordinates, and when we all arrived, he started barking orders."

Ginny laughed. "Which Harry hated, because he likes to be in charge."

"So?" Harry replied, unapologetic.

"You argued too much with him! We were in his world."

"He acted like he was the only one who knew anything about Muggles!"

It was obvious to Hermione that they had been through this argument before. "Harry, there's no way he could have known about the work you do."

"I told him, though, and he refused to listen to me."

"I agree with Ginny. You were in his world." Hermione shifted her position to preempt her leg falling asleep. "What comes next?"

"Snape sent Ron and Ginny to secure a location for where I would eventually take you. He guessed that someone would be meeting you and Claire at the airport, and planned for me to take his place. Luna and I went to wait for Cole to show. Since Cole had no idea when to expect Claire, he arrived early."

"Harry stunned him and took some of his hair," added Luna.

"For the Polyjuice," Hermione noted.

"Then we waited for the plane. As soon as I saw you, I drank the potion."

"I drove!" exclaimed Luna. "Severus gave me brief lessons before you arrived!"

"Oh!" cried Hermione, wondering how many times her life had been in danger on the ride from the airport to Venice.

"The rest I guess you know," finished Harry.

Hermione frowned. "How did you fool Claire into believing you were Cole? Where was the real Cole? And the limo driver?"

Ron chuckled.

Harry looked somewhat reluctant to answer.

Hermione narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "What, Harry?"

"Snape ... used Veritaserum on Cole to learn more about him; well, I asked the actual questions while Snape taught Luna to drive. The real Cole ... was in the trunk of the car the whole time. Stunned, of course."

"Harry!"

"Snape insisted!"

"There was no limo driver," said Luna. "Apparently, Cole had driven there and planned to keep driving."

"Oh."

"Meanwhile," said Ron, who had been anxiously awaiting his turn to speak. "Ginny and I secured that abandoned house, rented a speedboat, and maneuvered the Canals a few times to find the best way to the house. It was awesome!"

Hermione smiled. "Then Ginny waited at the Vaporetta station with the boat. Luna, what did you do then? Where were you, Ron?"

"I was with Snape," said Ron. "We waited down a side canal for Luna to call once she dropped you off at the Vaporetta station. We picked her up and headed to where we knew you would be. The plan was to stun Claire and Shaul and then get you. Snape would take care of the details. Harry was there in case things went badly before we could get to you."

Hermione nodded, absorbing everything. "How did you know to find Severus at the café?"

Ron grinned. "Easy. We had Shaul Silberman's phone tapped."

Hermione shuddered. "What a horrible man. Severus told me about the people he used to work for, how awful they are."

Harry nodded grimly. "Even I had heard of Shaul's organization and knew how rotten they are. Scared us crazy when we realized he had you."

"Why did you tap his phone?"

Ginny recounted what she and Luna had done the day of Hermione's 'rescue': the fingerprints, talking to the restaurant owner, and giving all the information to Harry. "So we knew about Shaul, that he was the waiter who had run after you and Snape," she explained. "The Italians followed him to Rome and then so did we; found where he was staying."

"My friend at MI-6 placed the tap and sent up transcripts of all phone conversations," said Harry.

"And I found the one with details about the exchange," Ron finished. "The people talking, Shaul and someone who went by M.C., mentioned that the exchange would happen in two places, with two exchanges. So we split into two teams."

"Your basic spy stuff," said Luna casually, as though she did it every day.

Hermione smiled. "Wow, that's ... incredible. I can't believe all the trouble you went through to find me!" Tears pricked her eyes. "You could have been hurt, or ... or killed!"

Ginny pulled her into a hug. "We'd do almost anything for you, Hermione! I mean, we collaborated with Snape! "

"Thank you," Hermione whispered, looking from Harry to Ron and to Luna.

A sharp knock sounded on the flat door and Hermione jumped.

"It's okay, Hermione," said Luna, unperturbed. "It's probably Severus."

"We'll get it," said Harry, standing. "Need to talk to him anyway. Come on, Ron."

As soon as the men were out of the room, Luna said, "So. Tell us how the kiss really was."

Hermione gave a pained smile. "I told you it doesn't matter. It's not going to happen again."

"We still want details," said Ginny.

"Of course you do," she replied with a sigh. "It was ..." Were there adequate words? "Perfect."

There was another knock, this time on the bedroom door. "Come in," Hermione said. She had expected Harry or Ron, but ..."Severus." She was surprised by the calm that washed through her. He was safe; he was here.

Ginny and Luna exchanged a glance.

"May I speak with you?" he asked Hermione.

"Sure. Yes. Come in."

He nodded stiffly. "All of you? Out here?"

Hermione hated that her heart plummeted at his words. "Right, yes. We're coming."

Severus nodded and closed the door behind him.

Ginny squeezed her hand and climbed off the bed. Luna followed. Hermione wasn't quite sure what to think, but was thankful that he was still around, that he hadn't disappeared.

Harry and Ron were sitting on a sofa waiting. Luna went to Ron and Ginny to Harry; Hermione took one of the armchairs. Severus remained standing.

"Thank you," he said, looking at Hermione. "I'll be brief. I thought you would like to know what happened after we parted yesterday."

"Yes," said Harry, scooting to the edge of his seat.

"I modified both Claire's and Cole's memories. Rebecca Hammond was killed at an airfield in Rome by ... me. Claire continued on her journey to meet Cole, upset about losing someone she thought would have been an asset. Word will spread of your ... death."

"That's ... great," said Hermione, her voice almost a whisper.

Severus frowned. "You should have no lasting effects from this unfortunate experience."

Hermione nodded, letting his words sink in. No lasting effects ... She wasn't so sure about that.

"What about you?" Harry asked. "Didn't you work for Cole?"

"In a way," Severus answered, dragging his gaze from Hermione to Harry. "He was my superior in that he received mission details and passed them along for a cut of the profits in those missions in which he did not participate. But I have been ... self-employed for nearly five years."

"So, basically, you'll manage," said Ron.

"Yes," Severus replied, his lips turning in just a hint of a smile.

"Well, that's good," said Luna breezily.

"What will you do now?" Ginny asked.

Severus shifted his weight. Hermione knew how reluctant he'd been to share that information with her and knew that her friends would get very little, if anything in the way of an answer. "I'm not exactly sure. I have a few options before me, as I won't be returning to my former employer."

Harry smirked. "I doubt you'd tell us anyway. My guess is that you'll disappear for awhile, just in case one of us slips and mentions you somewhere. You won't want to be found. After that, you'll have no trouble getting work. People like you are always in demand, aren't you?"

Severus quirked an eyebrow. "Do I detect a hint of malice in your tone, Potter? Already we're enemies again?"

Harry scowled. "No. I just ... won't be heartbroken if I never hear from you again."

"Yes, well. Be that as it may, I cannot make you any promises. What are your plans now?" he asked, turning to Hermione. "Return to Rome? Stay here?."

"We've been here already," said Ginny.

"And I've got to get back to work," Harry said, checking his watch.

"Game this weekend," added Ron.

"I'm up for whatever," said Luna.

"I would like to go back to Rome. We didn't exactly see much of it," Hermione added.

"None, really," said Ginny.

"So we'll finish our trip?" Luna asked.

"Yes," said Hermione. "We can extend it a few days, to make up for this little side adventure."

Ginny laughed. "Is that what you're calling it?"

Hermione smiled. "It's shorter than 'the most terrifying experience I've had second to facing Death Eaters.' Besides, it turned out all right, thanks to all of you."

"We'd only just arrived in Florence," Luna pointed out.

Hermione nodded. "So, back to Florence, then Rome, then Pompeii?"

"Yes!" said Luna; Ginny smiled.

"Where will you be tonight?" Severus asked.

The women looked at Harry and Ron. Harry spoke. "I hate being late to work and it's already near eleven. Might as well stay."

Ron grinned and leaned back. "What's one more Quidditch practice?"

"We'll go to Florence first thing tomorrow," Ginny concluded.

"Good," said Severus, moving away from the wall toward the door. He looked at Hermione. "Would you grant me your presence at dinner tonight?"

Hermione hid her shock as best she could, but knew she failed miserably. "S-sure," she said, feeling more than one pair of eyes burning holes into her skin.

He made no show of emotion whatsoever, merely inclined his head once. "I'll return at seven to collect you. Good day."

ooo

The others were gone by six-thirty, and Hermione was grateful, though she loathed the half-hour of waiting. It passed much faster than it should have, and before she knew it, a knock sounded at the door.

Mentally forcing herself to relax for the twelfth time in an hour, Hermione went to the door and opened it.

Severus stood there, just as she'd imagined, and yet he was totally different than she'd pictured. He wore dark jeans and a pale blue long-sleeved, button-down shirt. Hermione felt underdressed, even though he was in jeans.

"Hi," she said, impressed at how calm she managed to sound.

He tried hard to keep an impassive expression...in truth he was anything but...and therefore failed. "Hermione," he said, swallowing. "Shall we?"

She nodded and shut the door behind her.

"Where are we going?" she asked once they were walking down the alleyway that led from the flat.

"I thought we might walk a bit before eating," he answered.

"All right." Hermione let Severus lead the way; he was in no hurry.

"How are you?" he asked after a few minutes. "Did you get enough rest?"

"Yes, thank you. Ginny and Luna refused to let me so much as get myself a glass of water. I'm surprised they didn't try to follow me into the loo!"

Severus chuckled softly.

"Severus, I'm so sorry about the other night," Hermione blurted out, worried that she would lose her nerve. "And the next morning. It never occurred to me that I might not get the chance to make things right. I hated knowing we'd been angry with each other..."

"Hermione," he interrupted, "it's all right. Please don't spare it another thought."

"But..."

"We both said things we later wished we hadn't."

"Yes, but you tried to make it right and I wouldn't hear it."

"You were still upset. It was unreasonable of me to expect you to get over it so quickly."

She wouldn't allow him to let her off the hook so easily. "I learned in the war that life is precious. I took for granted that I'd see you again, and we would be able to at least part on friendly terms."

He nodded, mulling over her choice of words and said carefully, "No need to worry about that."

They walked on in silence, Hermione feeling increasingly anxious. If he hadn't wanted to talk to her about their fight, then why had he asked to see her? There wasn't really anything else ...

"What did you do today?" Severus asked.

"Ginny, Luna and I introduced Harry and Ron to gelato first thing after lunch. Gelato is the most important meal of the day, you know."

"I did not know that," he replied in an interested tone.

"And you live in Italy!" she said with exaggerated incredulity. "Anyway, then we went to the Rialto Bridge, and Harry bought something ridiculously overpriced from one of the shops, even though we told him he'd find it cheaper somewhere else. Then we walked around, showing Harry and Ron our favorite spots. We fed pigeons in St. Mark's Square." She paused. "How about you?"

"I ... had an interesting day," he said, a sound of amusement in his voice.

"Do tell. If you can, I mean."

"Yes, I can tell you. Last night, as I said, I took care of Claire and Cole. Then I contacted The Nine and set up a meeting for today. It was prudent for my health that I act quickly."

"Why?"

"I had the device they wanted, and the required payment. In most circles of the world, that is considered unfair. I explained the situation, leaving you out of course. They were miffed that twice now the exchange had failed and that two of their people are dead. I offered the device and half the payment back."

"Did they accept?"

"Yes. Today I met with them at a train station in Milan." He paused. "They ... offered me a place with them."

Hermione nodded, curious about the change in Severus's voice when he mentioned the offer. "Did you accept? You are a free agent right now."

"I ... told them I had to think about it."

"Oh. I thought you wanted to continue." Even though he hadn't mentioned her, or them, or his future or hers thus far in the conversation, Hermione couldn't help but hope he might be thinking about it. Her heart rate increased, and she felt the pulsing nervousness that often accompanied hopeful anticipation.

He sighed and stopped walking; they'd reached the outer edge of the man-made island. Severus found an empty bench and they sat, watching the people, the boats and the gondolas.

"I've ... been thinking quite a bit today about my next step," he said carefully, measuring each word. "When I told you that I needed a few more jobs before I reached my goal, that was before this mission. The ... payment I kept is more than enough to meet my requirement."

"That's great!" Hermione smiled at him.

"Yes; it means I could stop now, if I want."

"It's a different perspective from here, isn't it?" Hermione said. "Before, this moment...when you could make a decision...was months, maybe years away. Now that it's here, the next step isn't so obvious, is it?"

"It was easy to say I would quit when the reality was in the future, you're right. Now that it comes to it ..."

Hermione waited expectantly, unable to quell the hope bubbling inside her, threatening to burst.

Severus chuckled to himself and looked at his hands. "I find it's easier than I ever imagined it could be."

"Making your decision?"

"No. Leaving."

Fireworks went off in her stomach. "Wow," was all she could manage.

"Yes. I phoned The Nine and thanked them for the offer, but said I was ready for my life to move in a new direction."

"Where will you go?" Hermione asked, daring to look at him. "What will you do?"

He met her eyes, his gaze burning into hers. "That I haven't decided. As much as I hate to admit it, what I do next depends. On you."

A wave of adrenaline swept through her from head to toe. In its wake, her heart pounded. "Oh ... me? What do you mean?"

"The other night, I told you we had no future. I am hoping I was wrong and that you would consent to giving us a chance."

Hermione wanted to jump up and down and shout; instead, she settled for grinning. He wanted something with her; an event she never imagined would come to pass. She was about to assure him that most certainly she wanted to give them a chance, when a thought occurred to her. He had been in love with Lily for so long ... Was he over her? Really and truly over her, enough that he could promise Hermione all of him?

Hermione's smile faded and she looked away. "Would you answer something?"

Severus took a long breath. "If I can."

"Tell me about Lily.

"I'm ... not quite sure I know what you mean."

"I would like to know where you stand with respect to her. You were in love with her for most of your life. What's the point of trying unless you hope to love with every single part, every piece of you? Even the ... wounded pieces."

He sat quietly, processing what she had said. Then, deliberately, he said, "You ... want to know what I feel for ... Lily ... now."

"Well ..." She trailed off. She knew she couldn't settle for anything less than what she knew he or any man was fully capable of. She didn't want half of his heart if she was going to give him her whole heart. "Yes. And I don't think it's an unrealistic request. Maybe from you, and I would understand that, but not in general."

"You don't even really know what you're asking."

She considered that and nodded. "True. I know nothing about your relationship with Lily outside of what Harry described from your memories."

Severus nodded. "Hermione, we've kissed once. We've known each other for just six days really, and you're already talking about love."

"It's the prefect time to, really," she said matter-of-factly. "Neither of us is all that invested, and we can save ourselves a lot of time, effort and pain by getting this over with now."

He raised an eyebrow. "How very ... practical, calculated."

"I see nothing wrong with it. If you can't tell me right now that it's possible for you to ever love me more than a woman who has been dead for twenty-some years, then we should go to dinner, have a nice time, and say our goodbyes."

Severus was quiet for a few moments. Hermione couldn't believe she had said all those things. But she wasn't interested in a dead-end relationship, no matter how strongly her heart was yelling the opposite. It said that she should try, that things might change down the road. He could fall madly in love, having never guessed it possible. Her head told her that he might never change, that his wounds went too deep to ever be healed.

"This is a long story," he said finally. "Would you like to eat first?"

As if on cue, her stomach growled. "Are you hungry?"

"Not especially."

"I'll grab a sandwich and you can talk while I eat."

He nodded. "I'll save our spot."

It didn't take Hermione long to find a sandwich shop, order a panini, and return to Severus, determined to be a good and understanding listener. He was going to talk about Lily, a subject she knew would be difficult and emotional. Simply thinking about how much of her heart was already invested made her uneasy; what he would say would either change her life forever, or destroy her image of him and hurt her deeply.

When she rounded the corner, Severus was still sitting on the bench, his legs stretched out in front of him and one arm on the back. He didn't seem to note her arrival, and she seized the opportunity to watch him for a few moments longer.

"Find something?" he drawled when she finally sat beside him.

"Yes," she replied, taking her food from the bag. "I'm eating now. You ... take your time."

Severus sighed. "There's no point. It's a long story, but I think I can shorten it adequately."

Hermione opened her water bottle and took a sip.

"Lily," he began, then hesitated, as though he hadn't figured out what to say next. "Lily Evans was my first friend. I cannot possibly describe to you how the friendship was forged, but she seemed equally as eager for a friend as I. Perhaps it was learning the truth about her nature; I was that conduit, and so she clung to me, wanting to know as much as I would tell her."

He took a deep breath and settled more comfortably against the back of the bench. "When school started, it made sense for us to spend time together. We already knew each other; the fact that we were in separate houses meant little to me and nothing to her. We were simply friends. As we grew older, that line started to blur for me, and I found myself fascinated by her in new ways. Of course I had always thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen; that sentiment only grew. No one else was like her." Severus chuckled. "You remind me a lot of her. She didn't let anyone tell her what to do, or whom she should be friends with. There was a time when .... It was a long time ago."

"No," Hermione interrupted. "What were you going to say? A time when what?"

He scowled at her. "I will tell you just as much as I want to tell you and no more."

Hermione glared back at him, then relaxed. "You know, I do understand what that feels like. I used to think Ron and I would be perfect, that we would end up together ... but we were so young. Now I can see that what we had was just a shadow of what the real thing could be."

Still scowling, he looked away from her, following the course of a Vaporetta through the Canal. "There was a time when I think she might have favored me over Potter, but she did not approve of the company I kept. Our free time was increasingly spent apart as I was drawn into the Dark Arts, and those ... friends encouraged me to do more than merely talk. They knew my talents, and they wanted me to act."

He looked at her, his expression severe. "I made my choice then. That is important to recognize." His gaze returned to the slowly passing boats. "I knew how Lily would react, but I thought it was excessive, absurd. I thought I should be able to have both. I had no idea that when I chose to meet with the Death Eaters, Voldemort, that I was actually choosing them over her. After all, what harm could come from meeting with these people to hear what they had to say?"

"Water?" Hermione asked, her heart aching at his voice, torn and laced with anguish

"Thank you," he said finally, taking the bottle and a refreshing drink.

"You're welcome."

Severus was quiet for a few moments. "You know the result of that meeting, in general at least. Lily was angry, as well as worried. She wanted me to quit...back when even I thought that was possible...but I didn't want to. I had always been drawn to those with power; I knew I was very powerful as well. I wanted more. The Dark Lord promised me exactly what I wanted.

"Can you really blame me? He was so cunning, so manipulative. He knew the perfect things to say to each of us ... the right enticement to offer so that we vowed a lifetime of servitude. I was blinded by my ambition."

"When did you go to him?" she asked. She knew the outcome of this part of the story, but she couldn't help but wish it would turn out differently when he answered.

Severus stared unseeingly at the water, giving himself over to the memories. "After Hogwarts. I was ... wary to pledge any part of my life while under the watchful eye of Dumbledore. And Lily was at Hogwarts, every day, serving as a reminder of a different kind of ambition. When I no longer had her presence to steady me, it wasn't long before I succumbed to the lures of my ... peers.

"I saw Lily only a few more times after she begged me to leave the Dark Lord. The last time ..." He took a deep breath and pinched his nose between his fingers. "She'd become engaged to Potter. I went to her, confessed my affections and told her to pick me instead. I would make her happy, I knew her better than anyone. She knew it too, but it had been a long time since her heart leaned toward me. My affiliations with the Dark Lord had effectively sealed it off. Nonetheless, she still cared about me and begged me again to repudiate. I refused."

Without making the conscious decision, Hermione took his hand; he was nearing the most difficult part of his story. He stared at their joined hands for a moment then closed his hand around hers.

"When she rejected me, I was livid. There is something you must understand about the Dark Arts, Hermione. They corrupt as they are corrupt. I spent so much time immersed in learning and practicing Dark Arts that everything about me which had once been good became twisted. The feelings I had once felt for my friend – true, pure feelings of tender love – had been corrupted, mangled beyond recognition.

"I believed that Lily would have been better with me. I believed she belonged with me, that I alone had a right to her. The Dark Lord saw my distress, and when he learned of the reason, he promised that I would have her. 'No follower of mine should be made to feel so low by a Mudblood,' he said. I still hear that phrase in my nightmares." Severus's voice became hollow at the strength of the memory.

When he continued, his voice had returned to normal. "He would get her for me if I would prove myself to him. Never mind that I had done so more than any of his followers at that time and in my own way, on more than one occasion.

"I have no way of knowing if he would have kept his promise. I highly doubt it; if he had, and somehow captured her, I believe he would have put her under the Imperius Curse and given her to me."

"Would you have taken her?" Hermione interrupted, her voice taking on a curious but hard tone.

Severus smiled ruefully. "As much as I wish I could deny it, yes. I would have taken her in whatever form she was given to me."

Her eyes widened. "But ... how? Why? You would have known that she was only with you because of the spell! If you really loved her, you would have wanted her to be happy."

"Don't you see?" he said quietly. "It wasn't about love. She was happy with Potter; I never suspected she wouldn't be. However, I had grown to feel as though I had a claim on her long before she had ever laid eyes on Potter. I wanted her; she was mine, or so I had convinced myself. I wanted her for me."

"But ... I feel I'm missing something. You were in love with her, right?"

He sighed. "Yes, then no, though I can only see that after so much time has passed. At that time, I couldn't see the changes in me for what they really were. I had loved her, and wanted her, and I continued to want her. I didn't recognize when wanting came to mean loving in my mind." Severus stood and thrust his hands in his pockets. "Will you walk with me?"

"Sure," said Hermione.

They walked as close to the edge of the walkway as they could, watching the boats glide through the water along the canal. After a few minutes, Severus said, "Can you guess what I did to 'prove' myself?"

At first, she wanted to say no so that he would go ahead and tell her, but the look in his eyes was so pained that she tried to think of what task he might have done that would prove his loyalty to Voldemort. Then it hit her, so obvious it was painful in its irony.

"You listened in on a conversation at the Hog's Head," she breathed.

"Yes. The Dark Lord was very pleased with what I had heard. However, he soon told me that he believed the Prophecy spoke of the Potters and their young child. I asked the Dark Lord to spare Lily. At that time, the only reason he complied was because he could not find her; I knew he was looking. I went to Dumbledore and told him that the Dark Lord was planning an attack on the Potters and promised him my loyalty if he kept Lily safe.

"Though my natural leanings were toward the power the Dark Lord promised, part of me was loyal to Lily above all else. She had been my friend when I had no one else. She alone had liked me for ... me. I did what I needed to do in order to ensure her safety. Then Pettigrew betrayed their secret."

He stopped walking and looked into the dark water. "When I learned that she was dead, I was ripped in two. It was my fault; I had been the cause of her death. My desire for power, for her, had been my undoing! I went to Dumbledore shattered. He promised to help me in return for my loyalties, not only to him, but to Lily's child as well."

"It seemed as though you hated Harry from the moment you saw him," Hermione observed. "Why?"

Severus heaved a great sigh. "She gave her life for him. She traded her life for his; I did not agree with her choice."

"You think she should have let Voldemort kill Harry?"

He looked at her intensely, his eyes open and vulnerable. "How can I possibly say that? Lily's death was unforgivable. She was good and kind, one of the best people I have ever known. Potter had his faults, but Lily ... she breathed with the world, she loved life."

Cautiously, unsure if it was the right thing to do, Hermione slipped her hand into his. It was big and warm and completely covered hers. "Do you still love her?" she asked, not sure she wanted to know the answer.

Severus chuckled. "Haven't you been listening? I haven't loved her in a very long time."

"Yet you continued to protect Harry because of her."

"I owed her that much," he said simply. "Of course I would protect the child she had died to save with my life. It was my fault he no longer had a mother."

"Your level of devotion went far beyond guilt or friendship."

He sighed. "I was devoted to the memories I had of her, to the times when it was just the two of us, when her heart belonged to me. It didn't matter to me that we were only twelve at the time. I was responsible for her death, Hermione. Yes, I had loved her, and I would continue to show that love, the unblemished feelings I once had for her, by watching over her son."

They stood hand-in-hand, an awkward space between them, for what felt like hours to Hermione. She stared at the gently lapping water, the streetlights reflecting and dancing on its surface, as though in a trance.

"I hope you can see that I would never want to love you the way I did her," Severus finally said, jarring Hermione from her empty musings.

"I ... I suppose ..."

"I could never love you second best."

Butterflies exploded in her stomach and her vision became sharp for a few seconds. "That sounds just about right."

They stood there for another few minutes, this time the atmosphere between them one of understanding and anticipation and excitement. Finally Severus moved away from the water, pulling Hermione after him. "Come. I know you've eaten, but I haven't. There's a great restaurant up the street .... perhaps you could order dessert while I eat?" He kept her hand firmly locked in his.

"Dessert sounds fabulous," Hermione replied as they strolled leisurely amongst the hurried tourists. "What happens now?"

"That's up to you," he replied. "You've just heard the depths of my depravity. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to run as far away from me as you could get."

She smiled, pulled her hand free and slipped it around his waist. "I don't much feel like running tonight. Maybe tomorrow."

ooo

The End

End Notes: Thank you for reading! This was my first attempt at a Snape/Hermione story, and I had a blast and learned a lot from this experience. I truly hope you've enjoyed this!

Final thanks to my betas, bambu and shug! This was my first sshg story and I'm pretty sure it will be obvious. This story is infinitely better thanks to their help. True friends, both of you!!!