Choking on My Tears
Chapter 4 of 10
livvy6Snape comes back to Spinner's End to discover a very drunk Katherine. He speaks with Minerva about the events of Katherine's Wedding night, and the two come to the decision after reminiscing about the past to finally tell Katherine the truth about what really happened to her in April of 2002.
A/N: Much thanks to my beta, MadBrilliant! Please review! I love each and every one I get!
***
Morning came with a shocked and traumatized bride sitting at Snape's coffee table. Katherine had not changed from her robe...not that she had anything else to wear! She didn't even have a bra, underwear, or shoes! Her hair was in a complete shambles, and her face was now sporting an angry bruise on her eye. She was sitting with a bottle of firewhisky when Snape found her, and he closed his eyes. Obviously, she had found his liquor cabinet! She was so pissed she was just swigging from the bottle. FUCK!
She was completely blitzed. It was probably the best she could do. The shock and humiliation of her wedding night had traumatized her to a debilitating level. How was he going to explain? He decided, for now, he'd have to lie. He went to get a bruise healing salve, sat down next to her, and took her face into his hand. He started to apply the salve to her eye and began to talk to her gently. "Katherine, I want you to know I thought a great deal about what you said last night, and I'm sorry what transpired between you and your husband."
"Sev'rus," she said slowly, her eyes glazed over, her voice unsteady. "W-why didn't I bleed? That's w-what wa-was supposs-ss ta happen. Me Mum told me 'bout it. I knew from my girl'fends. He puts it in, it hurts a bit, a-and you bleed. There wa-was nothin', Sev'rus. Nothin'."
Snape cringed inside. He could not believe he was hearing this! But of course if she weren't drunk, she would never be saying these things out loud to him. He had to think fast.
"Katherine, some women aren't born with...that."
He had to catch his breath; he couldn't believe he was saying this tripe! It was such a lie...in her case, at least! His mind drifted, and he remembered in flashes: her blood coloring the flowers she had been lying on as she lay there unconscious. The memory of it made him want to retch but he kept calm.
"Katherine, you also could have had an accident when you were a small child. It happens. You just need to know that you are a virgin. Truly, where it counts. In your heart and in your mind." He prayed she would understand what he was trying to convey, but her eyes rolled back into her head, and she slipped from her chair, falling into his arms. Snape rolled his eyes as he hitched her up into his arms to carry her to bed.
"Marcus, take me back," she whimpered. Then she was asleep, and Snape again carried her to his bed as he did last night, to sleep it off. She again in her sleep held on to him for dear life as he carried her, and again, he was greatly disturbed. When she woke up she was going to have one hell of a hangover, and she would have to face her rat bastard husband! He tucked her in and smoothed her hair from off her face. "Sleep well, Katherine," he whispered. Have happy dreams. God knows you deserve them, he thought sadly.
***
"Hello, Minerva," said Snape as he entered her office.
"Severus, what's happening? You sounded so upset. That's not like you!"
He sat down tiredly. "Minerva, it's all come undone."
She sat down weakly, her face pale and her lips quivering. She knew from his look and tone precisely his meaning. She stood up angrily and turned to look out the window, tears threatening to betray her. Her mind wandered back into time as she remembered the events of that afternoon long ago...
***
April, 2002
She was working in her office when Poppy came through the Floo and hysterically called for her to come to the Infirmary. She Flooed down in time to see a dirty and bloody Severus Snape holding an unconscious student swaddled in his teaching robes, rocking her gently in his arms as if she were a baby. He looked as if he were in a trance.
Minerva knelt down to look closer into his face. She was dumbstruck. Whatever could have happened to jar Severus to the brink of madness? She decided to deal with him with kid-gloves.
"What happened, Severus?" she whispered.
His eyes focused, and he looked at her with such anguish. "Death Eaters," he choked out. Tears were streaming down his face as he cradled the unconscious girl closer to him.
Minerva felt her blood grow cold. "Death Eaters...after all this time, Severus? I thought surely by now they all would have been rounded up and sent to Azkaban or at least deep in hiding! To take a chance coming to Hogwarts? Insanity!"
"Well, obviously, they decided to have a reunion!" he snarled.
Minerva was shaken. "Here, at Hogwarts? Whatever for?"
Snape gave her a withering look before he howled, "What do you think? ME! They wanted to kill me for my treachery and defection! I would have gladly died. But she was with me. Now, this is my punishment!" he said as he clutched the girl tighter to him. He shook as the tears flowed down his face.
"Who is she?" she asked after he had calmed himself. The girl's face was half-covered and her hair hid most of her features.
"Katherine Hannover. Hufflepuff. Fourth year," he said as if back in a trance.
"Oh, no!" she cried. Katherine had been, since her her first visit back in her third year, a special young lady that she held in high esteem and had great hopes for her future.
"Poppy, get Madam Sprout," she said urgently.
Snape finally snapped out of his fog. "NO!" he roared.
The women stood frozen at his outburst. "My fault, my fault," he cried over and over as he rocked her in his arms.
Minerva was at a loss for words. She had never seen Severus in such a state.
"What happened to her, Severus?"
"All they wanted was to kill me. I told her to run...she ran so fast. She gave me immediate obedience. All I ever asked was for her to not disobey me. She never failed me. But. I. Failed. Her!" he cried and started to scream as he clutched Katherine to him. His anguished screams echoed throughout the empty Infirmary.
Minerva and Poppy warded the Infirmary and spent the rest of the afternoon cloistered with the distraught Potions master and the unconscious Katherine Hannover. It took hours and many breaks as Snape retched into a wastebasket for Minerva to extract the details of what actually occurred in the Forbidden Forest.
***
Finally, she forced herself to focus on the present. "What does she know?" Minerva asked after Snape told her about last night's disaster.
"She was completely pissed this morning. I found her disheveled and swigging firewhisky at my breakfast table. I tried telling her some rubbish about perhaps she had a fall as a young girl...of course her mother will deny such an event! Then I told her perhaps she wasn't born with a hymen...you know, rot like that. I didn't know what to say, and time is running out."
Minerva turned to face him. Her jaw was set. "Severus, we're going to have to tell her. She's almost twenty. She can handle it now."
"Minerva, I'm 46 years old, and I can't handle it! You can't tell me that she's just going to say, 'Oh, thank you, Headmistress, and you too, Professor Snape, for modifying my memory... for keeping such an important, albeit, tragic event from me.' And then, what is she going to say about my involvement in all this? That after all these years of trust and friendship, being her mentor...she'll hate me forever. I can live with that...after all, I've lived with this for all these years, but she will have to live with knowing that I betrayed and deliberately kept intimate information from her. I swore to her that day I would bring her no more pain!"
He slammed his fists onto the desk, his dark head hunched over in defeat. Minerva came and stood by him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"You've always been scared she would hate you and you would lose her. You've spent all these years atoning for something she doesn't even remember! And I understand you've always felt it was your responsibility to watch over her. You know she adored you from the first moment she met you. She admires you to this day. Nothing will change that. Her Hufflepuff loyalty for you runs so strong. She knows your past. I have spoken of it to her, myself, over the years."
Minerva took Snape by the shoulders and forced him to face her.
"She is quite perceptive and logical. She is mature enough to see the choice that had to be made. You did what you had to do to get her out of there! It was a life and death situation!"
Snape slumped weakly into his chair, his head hung with shame and overwhelming guilt. "Minerva, I should have died in the war. Why must my life be one disaster after another?" he despaired. "But you are right. I allowed my guilt to keep her near, to watch over her. I never wanted her to be unhappy another day in her life. I owed her at least that!"
He banged his fist on the desk. "I begged her to break it off with that little fuck!" he seethed as he recalled the disastrous conversation he had with Katherine during her seventh year when he had asked her to stop seeing Luddington.
***
November, 2004
"Miss Hannover, I asked you to come here tonight because I think you need an objective voice of reason. I know that you and Mr. Luddington have grown closer over the years. I think you and I have reached a point where we can be honest about such things," he began carefully.
"Sure, Professor," she replied as she sat down across from his desk.
"Please call me Severus, Katherine. I want to speak to you as a friend and as a person that cares about you and your future. You know our plan has been for you to take over as Potions mistress here at Hogwarts after your apprenticeship. We've worked hard together over the years, haven't we?" he asked wistfully.
"Yes, sir, uh...Severus, we have," she replied. "I am very grateful, and I'm looking forward to my apprenticeship and working more with you. I have always respected you and your opinions, even if sometimes I didn't always agree." She laughed a little at her last remark.
He smiled at the girl. "I want you to stop seeing Mr. Luddington," he said suddenly.
"What?" she exclaimed as she stood up from her chair. Her face was white with disbelief and anger. For a moment she looked as if she would actually cry!
He had to regain control of the situation. He remained calm and continued to speak softly to her.
"Katherine, I see things that you don't see. He is not a nice boy, and I don't believe he will grow up to be a nice man. If anyone knows about men who are not nice, it's me."
She stood there with her eyes full of tears threatening to fall at any moment. She finally found her tongue and lashed out at him.
"Well, I don't think this aspect of my life is any of your business, Professor! I will continue to keep my personal and professional life separate. I expect you to respect that. I don't stick my nose into your love life, Professor!" She stood, fuming, visibly upset that he did not approve of her choice. His approval meant the world to her, but she loved Marcus more. Nonetheless, it still hurt deeply.
"I don't want you hurt, Katherine!" he yelled in a futile last-ditch attempt at convincing her.
"Oh, sod it...Severus!" she snapped at him as she rushed out of his office.
***
"How did she take your advice?" Minerva asked.
He shook his head out of remembering. "Not well at all, Minerva. I can't tell her what happened. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Well, it's not what 'you're' going to do, Severus," she said as she put her arm around him and faced him square in the eye. "It's what we're going to do: you and me. Now that Poppy's dead, it's up to us to restore her memories and let her face the truth, no matter how ugly, or difficult it may be to take, or even understand."
She hugged the wizard as he sobbed onto her arm. There just had been too much pain over the years, and it finally had taken its toll on the Potions master. The war and his near death experience had broken him. Sure, he was still the snarling bat of the dungeons, but whenever he was alone or with Minerva, he could no longer hide his feelings. He had slowly begun to cry easily as the years went on. He just couldn't handle any more tragedy, suffering, and keep it all inside anymore.
The only people he felt he had was Minerva, who knew him and accepted him as a son, and a young girl he had seen grow up into a radiant, self-assured woman that probably would crumble before him if she knew the truth of her past. He just did not want her to know. He only wanted her to be happy! Was it too damn much to ask?
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Latest 25 Reviews for Silent All These Years
39 Reviews | 5.31/10 Average
It was an interesting story. Thank you.
I adore this story. I started it on another site and went looking for extra chapters. I thought your ending was perfect.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
I'm so glad you liked it. It was real tricky, but I thought I did them justice.Thanks,Livvy
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
I'm so glad you liked it. It was real tricky, but I thought I did them justice.Thanks,Livvy
a lovely end to an excellent story!!!!!! i love the way u pair severus with other witches...... and the wya you explore his character.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thank you very much, I'm so glad you like my fics! Snape is such a complex character I can not help myself! :)
Livvy
First and foremost...I want to say that you're an excellent writer, I had originally seen your work on a different website and followed you over to this one. I spend a lot of time on the road and I've been reading your stories using a link I sent to my cell phone. Yes, by cell phone. It's worth the hassle and the amount of time it takes the pages to load just to read what's going to happen next. It's something that I've grown to look forward to over the past few months. Very few people have ever captured my interest the way your writing has, let's just say it's been few and far between. I've been waiting for the chance to get home and sit down at this computer and give you the review you so rightly deserve.That being said, I believe you handled the subject matter of this story perfectly. You have really taken the time to consider the emotional nuance of your characters, giving them a life that seems more realistic than mere words and sentences. After reading, you get the sense that you could have known them as living, breathing individuals, not just simple creations of fictitious imagination. Your capability to create the perfect OC to match Snape time after time is a skill I have grown to envy. Thank you for providing me with the pleasure of your work, and I look foward to your next masterpiece.~Carma
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Carma,
My whole life I have been writing. I wrote even when my family told me over and over it was a waste of time, I wrote when teachers told me I couldn't write. But I continued to write because I cannot NOT write.
I can't tell you how wonderful your review was and how much it meant to me. I will cherish it forever and whenever I feel like a failure, I can look at your review and know that I'm not, that I have a voice and it may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I have touched people's lives.
I am honored more than words can say and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Livvy
I couldn't have imagined a more perfect ending - well done!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Oh! Thank you very much. I'm so glad you liked it.
Livvy
What a very sweet ending. Well done!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thank you very much! I appreciate you continuing to review during this fic.
Livvy
And here ends yet another lovely story of yet another wonderul OC. You are the mistress of OC mates for Severus, Livvy! Wonderful!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thank you, so much! I just got done responding to your recommendation on the Live Journal.
Now, hold on to your socks! My next fic is already in the queue and I'm doing a HG/SS. My first - ever. I am scared shitless! If I'm the Mistress of OC mates for Severus, then YOU are the Mistress of HG/SS.
If I bollocks it up too bad, I'll blame my Muse and Cissy_n_Snape, since she is the one that talked me into doing it in the first place (just joking).
So glad you liked the ending!
Livvy
Response from mia madwyn (Reviewer)
I can't wait to read your Hermione--and you'll end up with more readers, because so many people don't read OCs but we all love HG/SS!
Very satisfying. What was the daughter's second name? When she goes to Hogwarts it could be a little awkward to have the same first name as the headmistress, especially when the headmistress was talking with her. It souinds as if Katherine was completely prepared when she went to see him in Potorfino. You say they married immediately and in his memory she was wearing a white satin wedding dress on their wedding night, so she had to have brought the dress with her. Obviously she knew what she wanted and wasn't going to take no for an answer.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Her full name is Minerva Katherine Snape. It could be awkward, but being the daughter of Severus and Katherine, everyone will know that McGonagall is a family friend and also Godmother (although I didn't put that in the story).
No, Severus finished packing and they Apparated to Rome where they bought the dress and wedding rings and then married. Katherine isn't a Slytherin. She would have accepted Severus' "No" if he really meant it. She came to him not knowing how it would end out, but she was going to give it her best shot! She's a Hufflepuff and is sensitive to other people's feelings. But also she is very in tune with her own, and that's what makes her so passionate and loyal. She's just the kind of woman Severus needs.
I like to think Severus got the happy ending you wanted for him: happiness, respect, love. Same for Katherine as well!
Thanks as always for reviewing. I'll be e-mailing you back when I get the frame of mind to think about it.
Livvy
Response from Trickie Woo (Reviewer)
Yes, that was the kind I happy ending I was hoping Severus would have.
Wow, Livvy, you really blew me away! This was a really well-written, moving chapter. Good job!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thanks! I appreciate the compliment. Hope you like the epilogue, it'll be up soon!
Livvy
It's a lovely end to the story, but I expect that there will be times in their future that either his ghosts from the past and his guilt or her own ghosts from the past will crop up and they will have problems. But that happens in every marriage, even the happiest, because you can't change the past. They couldn't have a normal relationship or a normal marriage without those problems.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Well, the end isn't until the epilouge. And some of what you pointed out will be said. I hope you like the final chapter.
Livvy
Very well written, very sensitively written..........well done.
Glad to hear that's not the end for them. My heart almost broke when Severus cried.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thank you. I worked harder on this chapter than on any I have ever written for fanfiction. Yes, lots of tears, but it is not over for these two! Next chapter is in queue!
Thanks for reviewing!
Livvy
How very tormented Severus must have been! Interesting plot twist. It was like a punch in the gut. I feel so terrible for both of them. Quite Sensitively written!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thank you, I worked hard with my beta to make sure that this chapter wasn't too gory and also keep in mind the age of Katherine. THe next chapter will show how the next three years gives them time to process and rebuild their lives apart from one another. So I'm not done with them yet.
I hope you like how things will end.
Livvy
I was kinda scared to read it since I really dont like rape scenes. But you managed to get your point across without making it so horrible. I cant wait until your next chapter. And great job as always.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thank you, because of Katherine's age and just, the way the I wanted the story to be told, I did not want there to anything more graphic than needed to be. THe whole situation is ugly, you can't work your way around that, but there are things that can be implied without have to spell out every gory detail.
I am excited about how the next chapter will be recieved. It's chock full of three years of Katherine and Severus trying to rebuild their lives without each other. I hope people will like the conclusion of that chapter.
Thanks for reviewing!
Livvy
You managed to write it so that I could read it and not feel revulsion. Minerva and Katherine were both right when they told him he was violated too; he was raped too.
I can understand Kathrine's reaction. It's unfortunate that the rest of us don't have someone like him to protect us and provide and maintain that innocence that is so precious and rare. I think anyone would forgive him for what happened.
You ended this chapter as though it were the end of the story. Is it, or does the story go on to the ending I've been expecting?
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
First, I want to say I am so happy you were able to read the chapter and not cause a big problem or stumbling block for you. My beta and I worked hard towards that.
Second, I was very anxious as to how people would respond to Katherine's reaction. I am so glad I was able to convey what was in my heart and mind and you, the reader understood.
Now, this is NOT the end! In fact the next chapter is in queue. It is a very full chapter, a lot of stuff, but it will deal with three years after Katherine found out the truth and how she and Severus deal with getting their lives on track - alone. I wonder what is the ending you were expecting? You'll find out at the end of the next chapter.
Livvy
Response from Trickie Woo (Reviewer)
The ending I'm expecting is the one I always want for him, Love, respect, and happiness.
that was amazing...but...wait....that's not the end right?
i hope not. great plotline and everything. tonz of smiles and claps for you.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thank you very much. It was the most difficult chapter of any fic I've written. And no this is not the end. The next chapter will be very interesting, but I'm not done with Katherine and Severus yet. :)
Thanks,
Livvy
whew!!! it sure is different from your usual style and i love the way u've portrayed snape.....just wish he finds the healing!!!!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thanks, I hope you will stick with the story and let me know how you like the way it unfolds.
Livvy
Oh dear, I feel as though Severus' heart is about to break.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
It's already been broken, I'm afraid, for many years. Now I think the fear is that Katherine will pick up the pieces and start pitching them at him. That's the real question for me looking outside in, (because I know the whole story) is how Katherine accepts the truth and what does she do with it? So we'll see. But yes, Severus is in a very bad way.
Thanks for reviewing, like always! :)
Livvy
I wish they had given her the choice of whether or not she wanted to view those memories. I think she would have chosen to view them, but I think she may have chosen to wait because she didn't feel strong enough physically or emotionally to look at them yet. She obviously knows that it's something terrible that was very damaging to her and her instincts must tell her it will be emotionally devastaing and that she may not yet be ready to face it.
Everything should be her choice, she had no choice in what happened and in what they did to protect her afterwards; and she had no choice on her wedding night or in the annulment. From now on she should be left to make her own choices in her life and everyone else should give her advice only if she asks them for it.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
I agree Katherine should be making her own choices. That is why I did it this way. She kept on asking in the hospital "Why?" "What has happened to me?" "Why won't anyone tell me what happened to me?" She wanted to know even when she was younger and kept asking "Why" and the answers were kept from her. I kept that in mind when I did it this way. The time for the truth was long overdue, and she was going to just wither away if she didn't get the truth.
I hope you are able to read the next chapter. Because of her age, there is no graphic sexual content, it is all implied, but there are momets that are disturbing and full of angst. But what I am most interested in is how you take Katherine's response to it. And I'm not done yet with Katherine. This revelation will be her turning point.
The next chapter will be up soon.
Thanks,
Livvy
Errr I can not wait untill the next chapter!!!!!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Next chapter will be the BIG reveal, where all will be told and Katherine's reaction to everything. It should be up in a few days.
Thanks for reviewing!
Livvy
Oh dear. It just feels like that as bad as I think it was? It's going to be worse.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
I just posted THE chapter, so it'll be up in a few days. It's not going to be pretty, that's for sure, and there will be tears, but do remember at the end of the chapter it will not say "the end".
Livvy
Oh, after all the pain, this is an interesting turn of events at the end of the chapter. Hmmm....
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Yes, we're getting closer to the "all shall be revealed" chapter. But this story isn't close to being over. Still have a few more twists and turns.
Livvy
Thank you for the warning, it wasn't as graphic as I feared it could have been. I am confused by what was going through his mind at the very end, I hope it isn't the thought that struck me after I read that part.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
There are some realities that need to be eased into. My beta writer and I worked hard on this chapter and the one to come when the whole truth comes out. I want to make sure it is done as tastefully and abstractly as possible. I don't want to focus on the graphic, horrific things, but somethings have to be sad and are distastful, but abuse, no matter how you present it, is ugly.
Yes, I wanted there to be a question at the end of the chapter. Like, what was that?
I do hope, if only for you, because you have been such a devoted reviewer and with our private talks, I've gotten to know you and respect you very much, that you will like how this story resolves itself in the end. All I can say is that it is always darkest before the dawn.
I haven't forgotten your last e-mail. I'm sick right now with some flu, but I MUST answer my reviews! My husband thinks I'm insane :)
Livvy
Oh dear I have the terrible feeling that Severus was made to do those things to the young Katherine.
Brilliant chapter.
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thanks for reviewing. I won't say either way, just that I hope you'll be pleased with the end. Thank you for your compliment and for reviewing!
Livvy
I love her. She's wonderful!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thank you!
Livvy
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Thank you!
Livvy
No wonder he feels so responsible. The angst!
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Oh yeah, and it's going to get worse. A lot of pain for these two. But the darkest is always before the dawn!
Livvy
Response from livvy6 (Author of Silent All These Years)
Oh yeah, and it's going to get worse. A lot of pain for these two. But the darkest is always before the dawn!
Livvy