Of Men And Squid

A/N: A huge thank-you to Angel Mischa for helping me whack this chapter into shape. My hat's off to you!

A/N2: Canon's up for grabs when it comes to Madam Hooch's first name. I've seen both Rolanda and Xiomara. I rather like Xiomara as it sounds more exotic, so I went with that first name.

Chapter 3: Of Men and Squid

Lucius Malfoy decided it was time visit his ministerially betrothed.

He dressed with extra care, wearing a brand-new frock coat of midnight blue. The corresponding brocade around the cuffs, buttons and lapel had silvery gold thread that matched his hair. Looking at his reflection in the cheval mirror in his dressing room, he smiled at the perfection that was himself. Picking up his cane and dropping the wards surrounding his mansion for a moment, he Apparated to Hogwarts.

It was a lovely, sunny day on the grounds of Hogwarts, somewhat unusual in the usual mists of Scotland, particularly considering those mists that seemed to be drawn to the castle. Admiring the unusual sunshine, Lucius decided to go for a walk before attempting to locate the half-blood Flying teacher.

As he neared the mirror-still lake, he noticed the occasional ripple of bubbles breaking the surface. ''Twould be a lovely, peaceful day for fishing,' he thought. 'Too bad I didn't have the foresight to bring my gear.' Not that Lucius would ever touch a live, wriggling fish. That, after all, was one of the many reasons he kept house-elves. He breathed deeply the calm air and coolness surrounding the lake.

Suddenly, an obscenely large tentacle violently broke the surface of the still water and flew towards him...

Madam Xiomara Hooch circled the school's Quidditch pitch on her trusty Nimbus 3000. She loved the feel of the wind on her face. It was an unusually calm and humid day at Hogwarts, and she missed the cool breeze.

'Thunderstorm, soon, for sure,' she thought to herself and wheeled about to face to the west. As she had suspected, clouds were boiling up on the horizon. She frowned. They were coming up rather quickly, and she had no desire to be electrocuted by lightening.

Hovering in mid-air, she thought she heard a desperate yell from the direction of the lake. Miffed at both the storm and this interruption of her flying time, she turned and sped towards the body of water. Squinting her golden eyes, she could just make out a tentacle flailing about above the surface of the previously quiet water. No, wait, it wasn't just a tentacle; the tentacle was grasping something. She heard another near-inhuman shriek and doubled her speed.

Coasting to a halt on the path next to the lake, she was horrified to see a body in the grip of one of the tentacles of the lake's Giant Squid. Normally a calm beast, it seemed to be wrathfully trying to drown someone. She remounted her broom, kicked off and sped towards the frightening scene.

Waiting until the tentacle was at the highest point in its arc from water to water, she whipped out her wand and shouted, "Petrificus Totalus." The tentacle, with its captive, froze in mid-flight and slowly started to sink like a capsized ship.

Urging her broom to greater speed, she flew out to hover next to the tentacle. She gasped and fought down an unholy urge to burst into laughter at the sight. A frozen, half-drowned Lucius Malfoy was being held aloft by the sinking, frozen squid.

Xiomara shook her head in amazement. She would have never thought that Lord Malfoy would be so... brash... so kinky as to approach the cephalopod. She shuddered and swooped her broom closer, gently prying the man out of the squid's grip and hauling him aboard her broom. She knew that, even with her sporting strength, she wouldn't be able to hold on to him long, so she flew like mad for the shore.

Laying him down on the ground, she noticed he wasn't breathing. She exhaled in fearful exasperation. Grabbing both his ankles, she hauled his body up off the ground with the help of her broom and watched as water was expelled from the man's lungs by the power of gravity. She waited a moment longer to see if he would reflexively retch up any more water and then slowly glided down, gently laying him back on the ground.

She ripped off the bedraggled cravat from Lucius' neck and slid her strong hand under it, propping his head at the angle necessary for CPR. She pulled on his chin, opening his mouth and took a deep breath, puffing the air back into his lungs twice. Her fingers slid to his jugular and felt no pulse. Adding insult to sartorial injury, she ripped open his shirt and found the base of his sternum. Measuring two finger widths up, she clasped her hands together and began the external massaging of his heart.

"Dammit... Lucius... Malfoy... You... Will.... (puff, puff) Not... Escape... Matrimony... So... Damn... (puff, puff) Easily... As... Much... As... I... Do... (puff, puff) Not... Wish... To... Be... Married (puff, puff) Especially... To... A... Snobby... Prat... (puff, puff) Like... You..." She paused in her exertions as the man before her gasped and coughed harshly. She knelt back on her feet and shot off her Patronus, a Norwegian Horntail dragon, in the direction of the castle with instructions for Madame Pomfrey to hurry. She rolled Lucius on his side to help his coughing get whatever water remained in his lungs out.

"Xiomara, what on earth have you done to Lord Malfoy?" sternly asked the Mediwitch upon seeing her prospective patient lying on the ground looking like a drowned rat.

"Nothing, Poppy. I'm not really sure WHAT happened, but he was, er, in the clutches of the Giant Squid."

Poppy's eyes widened in conjecture at Xiomara's bald statement. "Surely even HIS sex habits wouldn't be that... strange?" she gasped.

They both looked at the coughing Malfoy, who, between hacks, was now glaring at them. "No... squids," he flinchingly managed to bark out between coughs. The women continued to stare at him in amazement.

Poppy quickly recalled her reason for being there and waved her wand over Lucius' chest. She made an elegant motion, and suddenly, Lucius felt like he was breathing air again instead of water. His ribs, however, hurt like the blazes on each breath.

Shaking her head, Poppy scolded the Flying teacher, "You were a bit rough with him, and he's a few cracked ribs."

Xiomara blushed in mortification and whispered back, "Better alive with that than dead and intact." Poppy waved her wand again, conjuring a stretcher to carry the ailing Lord Malfoy back to the castle's infirmary.

After having fed Lucius a minute dose of Skele-Gro and strapping his ribs, Madame Pomfrey put her hands on her hips and glared at the hovering Flying teacher. "Xio, I have to go to the Potions laboratory to make up some potions lacking in my inventory. Can I trust you to stay with this man without further injuring him?" Pomfrey fought down a grin. "After all, isn't he to be your husband soon? If you manage to kill him before the nuptials, you may be landed with someone less pretty to bed."

Lucius, flat on the bed, turned to glare at the two ladies and harrumphed.

Xio sputtered into speech. "Oh, gods, Lord Malfoy, I wasn't trying to kill you." She felt some trepidation at having wounded the powerful Lordling.

"What the hell was that... that... whatever the hell it was you were doing to me?" he asked, his voice still hoarse from having expelled water from his lungs.

"Muggle CPR," volunteered Madame Pomfrey. "And you're lucky Xio's trained in it; you'd have probably had brain damage by the time I got to you from lack of oxygen. A few cracked ribs are the least of it, My Lord. Now if you'll excuse me.... Xio, where are you going? You are going to stay and keep an eye on Lord Malfoy whilst I make my potions."

Madam Hooch met Lucius' eyes, blushed, and quickly looked at her feet.

"Sit down, Xio," Poppy ordered, waving her wand to bring a chair next to Lucius' bed. "I don't think he'll have any sort of relapse, but you can never say for sure in cases like this. Anyway, you know to send your Patronus for me should he take a turn for the worse. What this world is coming to with men and squid..." Her bluster faded away as she exited the infirmary.

Xio sat. She looked at Lucius and murmured, "Hi..."

He looked back at the repentant golden eyes meeting his and decided that this marriage nonsense wouldn't be so bad after all. He would have a wife who wasn't a useless ornament like Narcissa had been. Madame Hooch was pretty in a wild sort of way with her unusual eyes and wind-whipped hair. "Would you help me sit up?" he queried gently.

"Sure, ah, sure." Xio hastened to his side and helped him sit, propping pillows up behind his back. Her mouth quivered.

Lucius noticed the quiver and hoped she wasn't about to burst into tears over what had transpired. He was astounded when she sat, buried her face in her hands... her shoulders shaking with laughter she was fighting a losing battle to suppress.

He bit his lower lip, fighting back sympathetic laughter, her chuckling was so contagious. "Xio...? Xio... Ah, good, you can look at me without laughing; that's always promising considering we are to be wed." He coughed and braced one arm against the bed to minimize the motion of his torso. "I would like to clear up a small misapprehension, however."

Tilting his head, he peered at Madam Hooch until she looked up to meet his eyes. A rueful smile hovered on his lips. "The squid attacked me, not vice-versa."

This statement set Xio off into another gale of laughter. "Squid... sex??? " she gasped. "Oh, my gods!"

"Just so," murmured Lord Malfoy. "Although my repertoire in the amorous arts is very, shall we say, broad, it does, now listen carefully, Madam Hooch, it most emphatically does NOT contain any bestiality."

Hooch had calmed herself to the occasional giggle and was wiping her eyes. "Of course not, Lord Malfoy. Squids are just too... too passé." She buried her face in her hands, shoulders shaking.

"Madam Hooch. Xiomara. Yes, good, please continue to look at me without laughing, good girl."

She bit her lip to stop any other laughter or giggling from emerging and glared at his appellation "girl."

He looked at her for a long moment as if daring her to laugh again and then held out his hand. She placed hers in it.

The next morning found Lord Malfoy still a guest at Hogwarts Castle. The house-elves had done what they could to restore his clothing to its former glory, but it sat rather limply on his frame. Madam Hooch felt a pang at this, imagining what he must have looked like before the squid got to him.

She smiled at him as they strolled the castle halls hand-in-hand. "That shade of blue is very flattering to you, Lord Malfoy," she murmured demurely. "It's a shame it was damaged by water."

He met her admiring eyes. Pulling her close to him, he placed a chaste kiss on her lips. 'Much, much superior to Narcissa,' he thought ruefully. 'Narcissa would have been in hysterics were she to see me this way.'

Xio stayed close and returned his kiss with one not so chaste. Suddenly, she found herself pulled into his arms as the kiss deepened. She moaned in pleasure and pulled back.

Lucius looked at her, mildly alarmed that he has frightened her into drawing back. Surely at her age she was no pure, virginal thing that would be frightened by a little dalliance.

She smiled seductively at his questioning look. "Perhaps it's time that I gave you a tour of the castle."

"Madam, I have seen all the nooks and crannies of this pile..."

"You haven't seen my rooms." She grinned and pulled his hand, leading him unresistingly towards the teachers' quarters.

Once inside her quarters, they could wait no longer to satisfy the burning urges that had been growing between them. He kissed her lips and her chin, his skillful hands unbuttoning her blouse.

She ran her fingers into his hair, drawing him closer as she moaned in response to his questing mouth. He nibbled her earlobe, and she gasped in pleasure. Not bothering to remove her blouse, his hands slid down to her bra-covered breasts and played with the nipples hidden therein. She sighed and pulled him towards her bed, her hand sliding down to cup the hardness in his trousers. His hips instinctively bucked in response.

They sat on her bed, his hands pushing her blouse off her shoulders. He pulled out his wand and Vanished her bra. She inhaled sharply in surprise, the cool air of the castle causing her nipples to crinkle and become erect.

Lucius pushed her gently down onto the bed and began feasting on her pert breasts. They were not large...having been involved in sports most her life, she was on the slim side, but still curvy enough not to be mistaken for a man. His fingers teased the underside of one breast while his mouth suckled on the nipple of the other. Opening his mouth wide, he took as much of her breast as he could into her mouth, letting her feel the lash of his tongue on her nipple and the gentle scrape of his teeth on her flesh.

He urged her to scoot further onto the bed and undid the button and fly of her trousers. Sliding his hand into her pants, he cupped her mound, fondling and pressing the plump flesh. Her senses were reeling as she gasped and thrashed under his ministrations. He slipped off her shoes and socks and then slid off her trousers and pants together.

Stopping for a moment, he admired the wanton body of his future wife before him, dressed only in a silk blouse that hid nothing. The light from the frosted window next to the bed illuminated and silvered her skin. He paused to savor the moment.

Leaning over her, he suckled the nipple he had been neglecting and skimmed his tongue along the underside of that breast. She shivered with pleasure at the heat of his mouth and the coolness of the air around them. His hand on her mound parted her nether lips and slid within, finding her engorged clitoris. She shrieked at the sudden, overwhelming sensation.

Lucius nibbled at her ribs. He kissed and licked his way down her belly and to her mound. Spreading her labia with his fingers, he licked her crevasse from perineum to clitoris, his long blond hair sweeping across her thighs. She bucked under his questing mouth and moaned in pleasure.

He looked up at her, one side of his mouth curling up lasciviously. Her glazed eyes implored him to continue, to continue, to do whatever the hell he was doing, but for gods' sake continue... He slid his ring finger through her moisture and brought it up to his nose, inhaling her musk. He put the finger in his mouth and licked it, adding his own spit to the moisture. Showing her his thumb, he gave it the same treatment.

His hand found her quim, and the spit and female-liquid-covered ring finger eased into her anus. She looked up at him in surprise and alarm. He looked back her with a calm, half-lidded stare. His thumb found her other opening and his mouth found her clitoris. He moved his hand, gently penetrating one hole, then the other. He licked her clit more firmly and faster. She moaned and gasped as he brought her over the top, his tongue catching all the fluid she gave forth...

Long moments later, a voice murmured in her ear, "Ambrosia."

"Hmmm?" she queried sleepily.

"Nectar of the goddess," a sexy voice rasped in her ear.

"Oh, my gods, Lucius," she breathed, turning to look at him. His silvery blonde hair was gilded in the light of the afternoon sun, and he looked like the cat that had found the whole damn creamery. She pushed him back onto the bed, noticing that, after all that wonderful cunnilingus, he was still fully dressed.

Finding her strength, she grasped his shirt and ripped it open. Buttons flew everywhere. Malfoy looked at her, mildly surprised and aroused at this bit of aggressiveness. Xio bent her head and laved first one of his nipples and then the other. He sighed in pleasure. She undid the buttons of his old-fashioned trousers. Gently but swiftly pulling down both trousers and pants, she admired his exposed erection.

Like most wizards, he was uncircumcised, the mushroom head of his glans peeking out from the foreskin. She wrapped her hand around his penis and slowly slid the skin back. Her head dipped, and her tongue lapped at the pre-cum on the tip.

Xio looked back up at him, admiring his pale, golden-toned chest. Her eyes slowly wandered down over his belly and back down to his penis and the blond pubic hair surrounding it and covering his scrotum. She smiled. "So you really are a blond."

"Whatever would make you think otherwise, Madam?" he asked, slightly offended.

"Nothing, nothing," she grinned at him, her turn to be rueful. "You are far too beautiful for the muddy likes of me. Ah, well..." Her mouth descended onto his erection, sucking and laving. He groaned in pleasure, then tipped a finger under her chin, pulling her mouth off his penis.

"What?" she asked.

"What I want is to be in you."

Xio lay back on the bed and opened her arms. "You are quite welcome, My Lord."

He rolled on top off her, his mouth meeting hers in a deep kiss. One of her hands grasped his cock and guided him to her opening. He slid in up to the root of his penis and sighed in pleasure, feeling her vaginal walls grasping him firmly.

Slowly, they began to move, feeling out each other's sexual selves. They thrust and parried, his thrusts become hastier and she urged him on. He felt her walls begin to quiver in response and, grasping her legs under her knees, propped them over his shoulders to deepen his thrusts.

Xio keened in response to this invasion, feeling him plunging as deeply as possible into her. Her vision shattered into a million stars as he pounded her over the edge. Lucius came, shouting her name as her cunt milked him over and over again.

A/N: Next up: Severus and Hermione...