filk

All Sycophants (or, how to get ahead if your head isn’t the best) sung to ‘All Star’ by Smash Mouth

Disclaimer: I neither own Smash Mouth nor Crabbe and Goyle. That state of affairs suits me, so I’m just going to put them back quietly when I’m done borrowing them.

My mother once said that I didn’t have the best head

I ain’t the brightest wand in the shop

So she and my friend Greg’s mum scraped up a little wisdom

made some deals so that we’d come out on top

Now we follow Malfoy and depend on his ploys

We’re still not sure why he needs us big boys

Doesn’t he know how to use his wand?

Why’d our mums stick us with a dumb blonde?

School’s too hard for us to always be

wasting our time on Potter and Weasley

We can’t see how to change our lot

We’re stuck agreeing with Draco’s plots:

[Chorus:]

so, we say

Draco, you’re the seeker, you’re the best in the game

Potter is a cheater and his friends are all lame

And all that matters is gold

We’ll just keep on doing as we’re told

Yes, that’s a cool hat and it makes you look older

Yes, we’re so glad this weekend was colder

We don’t know what’s up with the Shrieking Shack

But even your tantrums can’t make us go back

We won’t talk about Pansy, Draco’s date

But she looks like my aunt’s dog that Greg and I hate

We thought fifth year’d be good for thugs

Until we all ended up looking like slugs

Draco, you’re the seeker, you’re the best in the game

Potter is a cheater and his friends are all lame

And all that matters is gold

We’ll just keep on doing as we’re told

Draco, you’re the seeker, you’re the best in the game

Potter is a cheater and his friends are all lame

And all that matters is gold

We’ll just keep on doing as we’re told...

Author’s Note: First Moaning Myrtle, now Crabbe and Goyle. Dracontia is taking back the Potterverse for minor characters—one filk at a time.