Rowan's Morning

Chapter 10: Rowan's Morning

Sunday morning arrived. It had snowed in the night, but the storm had passed; the day was fine, but bitter cold.

Rowan slowly came to herself. Her first awareness was of lying comfortably on her back under a stack of fuzzy, warm blankets. Groggily she had an idea she'd been much less comfortable in the recent past.

Deciding it was safe, Rowan opened her eyes. Bright sunlight was pouring through the windows into the infirmary room. It must be pretty late in the morning then, this time of year. As soon as she noticed Rowan stirring, Madam Pomfrey came over to her bedside with a cup of hot chocolate.

"Well there, I see you're awake. Drink up."

Rowan thanked Madam Pomfrey and took the steaming cup from her. Now that she was awake, the previous evening began coming back to Rowan. When the group of Dumbledore's supporters had appeared in the headmaster's office last night, she had been hustled right up to the hospital wing. She had only had a glimpse of Snape, appearing utterly disconsolate, before she was helped down the stair. The Auror with her had explained the situation to Madam Pomfrey briefly, but bluntly. Madam Pomfrey had examined her, which had been intensely embarrassing, given her a salve to relieve her soreness, and a potion of Dreamless Sleep. The potion had done its job, and she had slept at least twelve hours through, unbothered by nightmares of Death Eaters, giant snakes, stuffy fire-lit rooms, or intimate moments that hadn't been intimate at all.

It was all too much to comprehend; she felt detached from her own memories. That was probably a good thing, Rowan reflected. She was sure she was not yet ready to own them, but she took them out to look them over, to try to make sense of them all.

How had it all happened, Rowan wondered? She had been talking to Professor Snape when those two men came. They had expected to find him with a female student, specifically a virgin. What had that comment been? His assignment prepared? But the Dark Lord had thought he might not make the appointment?

Rowan sipped the cocoa and felt a healing warmth spread through her.

Clearly Snape was one of them, but was he really? He hadn't been expecting her; she'd just happened to come to him for help then. That certainly didn't happen often – she'd even teased him about it!

When they came, he'd tried to shoo her out the door, but it had obviously been too late. How he had looked at her, those few seconds they were alone in that place! Then later... afterwards. She remembered his expression, back in the headmaster's office, as she was led away to the infirmary. Since Rowan had known him, he had always looked as if one really didn't want to know his worst memory. Just then he'd looked as if he had a new one.

Somehow, recalling Professor Snape's anguish snapped her back to her own current reality, and she could no longer feel detached. Instead she was nearly overset by a giddy kind of hysteria as she considered her new position.

Right now, Bourne, how are we doing? Well, for starters, virginity is history. Taken by Professor Snape no less. That would have been fine if we had had a few more pillows and a few less Death Eaters. Oh, and despite all that, I still have no idea what Snape looks like naked.

How on earth am I going to face Professor Snape next Potions class? For that matter, how will he face me? What can I possibly say to him? "Excuse me, Professor Snape, could we try that again – this time with feeling?" Will there be a next Potions class? They grabbed Professor Snape and brought him back here, but where is he now? He must be in unbelievable trouble.

That last item was clearly urgent. Rowan realized she had no idea what had happened to him last night. She sat up and looked for Madam Pomfrey, who was just coming to pick up her empty cup.

"Madam Pomfrey, what happened to Professor Snape last night, after I came here?

"Professor Snape can't trouble you anymore. Just you lie back and rest," Pomfrey responded, looking deeply upset.

Uh oh.

"I really need to speak with Professor Dumbledore."

"You need to rest, just lie back."

"I don't need to rest, I need to speak with the headmaster!" Rowan jumped out of bed and started searching for her clothes.

Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips in disapproval, but showed Rowan where her things had been put away. "Miss Bourne, dear, please calm down. The headmaster told me he wanted to speak with you in his office whenever you were ready to leave here. Since you seem to be feeling well enough, I will take you to him as soon as you are dressed.

"Thank you, Madam Pomfrey." Rowan settled to the business of getting ready.

Washed and dressed, Rowan arrived in Dumbledore's office a short while later. He took her hand and led her to one of two squashy armchairs, which had been pulled in front of the fireplace where it was cozy; Rowan sat down. Dumbledore sat down opposite Rowan. He looked very tired. She did not think he had slept well, if at all. Rowan mentally thanked Madam Pomfrey for the potion that had let her rest.

"Thank you, Miss Bourne, for coming to see me so soon. I am aware of the events that transpired last night. It is not necessary to recount them. I deeply regret that such a thing should have happened to a student in our care," he sighed heavily, looking entirely haggard.

Rowan wasn't sure how to start. She was upset, but not so much as he seemed to fear.

"I'll be okay, sir," Rowan began. "It wasn't ... so bad as it might have been." She knew she sounded lame, but the last thing she wanted to do was start telling Professor Dumbledore exactly how awful it was; that wouldn't help in the slightest.

Dumbledore looked skeptical, but somewhat relieved. "You are very brave, child. And very good, to try to spare me, when I know how badly I failed you."

Rowan was silent for a moment, not sure what she could say to that. She decided to change the subject, to the one she had come here to discuss.

"Professor Dumbledore, sir, ...." Rowan hesitated, but Dumbledore looked expectant and encouraged her to continue.

"I need to know, sir, what is going to happen now to Professor Snape?"

Dumbledore looked at her questioningly, as if he wasn't sure what sort of answer she was looking for. His bright eyes met Rowan's clear grey ones without flinching, and he spoke with tremendous gentleness.

"Professor Snape has betrayed a great trust and broken our laws. He is being held by the Ministry of Magic. He will be tried in a few days time."

Rowan considered what to say now. Certainly Dumbledore believed she wanted Professor Snape to go to Azkaban. How could she convince him otherwise? What would he think of her if she did?

Dumbledore observed the confusion in Rowan's face. He could see that at least she had not come here bent on vengeance. He suspected that what she needed was to hear the truth.

"I spoke to Professor Snape last night before I allowed him to be taken to the Ministry. He told me, and I believe him, that circumstances overtook him yesterday when you happened to be with him; that to his deep and eternal regret he was forced to harm you in order to preserve your life, and that nothing other than a hope of saving you could have caused him to do so."

Softly, Rowan let out the breath she had been holding. Somehow, this man understood, at least a little.

Rowan replied, "I could tell he was as startled as I was. He tried to get me away, but it was already too late. Once we were there, it was clear he had no choice. If it had not been him, it would have been another – probably Malfoy's dad." Rowan shuddered at this idea. "What I don't understand is ...." She trailed off.

"Why it happened?" Dumbledore completed the question for her. "What Professor Snape was doing associating with Lord Voldemort?"

"Yes."

"Can you not guess?" Dumbledore asked her, feeling her out.

Rowan had heard the rumors of Snape's past, but only the most malicious gossips suggested he might still be involved in such a thing. "Was he ... spying? For you?"

Dumbledore answered her plainly. "In short, yes. Professor Snape was once a Death Eater and has been pretending to still be one, in order to gain information about Voldemort's plans. I tell you this in the strictest confidence, because having been there and suffered so much, I believe you deserve to know why."

Dumbledore continued, choosing his words with care. "Professor Snape learned that Voldemort had discovered and intended to make an old Dark Arts potion, the Aversion Serum. Had we been unaware of the plan, it could have been disastrous for our side."

"Was that the potion he made with my ..." Rowan hesitated, "with the blood?"

"That is correct. Professor Snape reported to me that reft virgin's blood was required to make the potion and that he would be expected to provide it from among the students. We agreed," Dumbledore glossed over their discussion, "that he would not do so and would quit Voldemort's service. Unfortunately, Voldemort outmaneuvered us by sending those two men directly into Hogwarts to meet Professor Snape. When they saw you there, they believed he had followed orders and arranged for your presence."

Rowan digested this; it made sense based on her memory of the event.

"How were you able to find us?"

"After what happened here two years ago, I had Professor Flitwick add an alarm to the castle's defenses. He was able to modify the spell the Ministry uses to track offenders of the Restriction on the Underaged Use of Magic. If a Portkey is used anywhere in the castle, I am alerted. Severus had on him, by prearrangement, an object with which we were able to locate him." Fawkes, who had been following the exchange, preened on his perch.

"So, if we both agree that it wasn't really Professor Snape's fault, can't he be released?"

"What he did was a crime, Miss Bourne; we are not entitled to acquit him of it. As much as I frequently disagree with the Ministry, I do not wish to live in a world where powerful wizards feel they can interpret or ignore the law as they see fit. I must abide by the laws we have, as must Severus." At this, Dumbledore looked very looked tired and extremely grave.

"Is there no chance he will be cleared?"

"I intend to speak on his behalf at the trial, and I will use what influence I have to persuade Madam Bones that Professor Snape had no choice, but I am by no means certain of the outcome."

Rowan digested that and considered what to do. She believed she had the power to exonerate Snape, if only she could find the courage to speak. She had to. She couldn't live with herself otherwise.

"What..." she stumbled then began again. "What if I said that it wasn't rape?"

Dumbledore stopped still and stared keenly at Rowan. He spoke carefully, not sure where such a question could lead, but sensing its importance, he drew her out further.

"The events as related to me could hardly be described as anything but. How could it be otherwise?"

Now the hard part. "If I said I was willing."

Dumbledore's blue eyes fixed on her with a deep blue intensity. "Were you?"

Rowan's complexion warred between scarlet and white. Eventually it settled on an even pink, all the way down to her toes, and she tried to answer. "You-Know-Who meant it to be rape, but I thought ... Professor Snape ... I didn't think he wanted it to be. I didn't want it to be."

The significance of this was not lost on the Headmaster, if the intensity of his gaze was any measure.

"I see. Did you not then believe that Professor Snape was truly in Voldemort's service?"

"I wondered, but, no."

"Miss Bourne, I hesitate to trespass on what I know must be intensely personal, but I assure you, it is extremely important. May I infer from this that you have ... feelings ... for Professor Snape?

Now there was the question she had hoped to avoid. What must he think of her? Yet it had to be answered. Without meeting his gaze, she answered, "Yes."

Dumbledore nodded. "That is – enlightening. Do you by any chance know if he returns them?"

"I have no idea," Rowan said to the carpet.

"Ah. I comprehend perfectly," Dumbledore said very gently, leaning back. "There is no need to explain further. Please forgive my impertinence in prying."

After allowing Rowan a moment to compose herself, Dumbledore continued, "Your statement makes a tremendous difference in the case. Since you are of age, if you claim you were willing, then of course the charge of rape must be dropped. That is quite simple. I also believe, based on what you have told me, that we will be able to clear Professor Snape of the charge of Dark Wizardry."

Rowan relaxed a little now, beginning to hope that all might be resolved, until she heard the rest:

"Still, though, we balance on the knife edge. Lord Voldemort must not know that Professor Snape has been our spy in his midst. On the other hand, the parents and Board of Governors will never sit still for having a current Death Eater on our faculty."

Rowan sat up again, worried. She hadn't thought all of that through. "How can that possibly work out?"

"I am going to need more than your assistance. I must also ask for your complicity."

Rowan was startled. What could he mean?

"What do you need me to do?"

"We will claim Severus was kidnapped from here, just as you were. So far that is no more than the truth. In order to clear him, and allow him to remain here, it must be publicly established that he was not acting of his own volition. It is not sufficient to have him acquitted. The parents and Board of Governors of this school must also believe that he is innocent. We will have to claim that he was put under the Imperius Curse by Voldemort, after he was taken from here."

"But ... You-Know-Who ... he knows there was no Imperius curse."

"Of course, but he will believe Professor Snape has convinced me otherwise. He will be given to understand that Professor Snape altered your memory, so that you would give that testimony."

Rowan's head spun, she was having trouble keeping track. Who could have thought the kindly headmaster was so devious?

"I will go to the Ministry and speak to Madam Bones as soon as we are finished here. I hope she will simply be able to take your statement, but it may be necessary for you to give your testimony at the trial. If she requires it, will you be able to do that?"

Rowan blanched, but answered firmly, "Yes, I will."

"Are you quite certain, Miss Bourne? Even if it is not necessary for you to speak at the trial, your statement will become part of the public record. An account will undoubtedly appear in the Daily Prophet; your reputation ..." Dumbledore trailed off, looking concerned for Rowan.

Rowan grimaced at that, but answered gamely. "I think my reputation is the least of my worries right now," she said with a grimace. Really, she thought, how bad can it be? It's pretty clear the whole thing wasn't my fault. It will be embarrassing, but that will pass.

"Just so, then. If that is your view, I can only say, 'Thank you,'" Dumbledore told her simply. "I will let you know what will happen as soon as I speak to Madam Bones." Rowan's stomach, with nothing in it since the day before but a cup of hot chocolate, gave an audible growl.

Dumbledore smiled. "It appears that you are ready for lunch. I will take that as an excellent sign of your well-being. Have you anything else you wanted to ask me?"

Rowan said, "No."

"If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. You may come to me at any time, or to Minerva. She is my deputy and will, of course, know everything. You may go to her if you would rather speak to another woman."

"Thank you, sir."

Dumbledore stood and showed Rowan to the stairs. As soon as she was on her way, he stepped towards the fireplace and reached for the Floo powder.

Rowan walked into the Great Hall and sank gratefully into one of the places at the single table that was now set there for the staff and the few students remaining over the holidays. Everyone was eating already and ignored her entrance, for which she was grateful. The sun was still shining, according to the ceiling. The ritual of checking the weather while tucking into her food helped anchor her back into some semblance of normalcy.

She was starved, and concentrating on her food let her tune out the conversations around her and try to get a grip on what she had learned that morning.

It seemed as if she had an ally in Professor Dumbledore. She had been afraid of what he would think of her, confessing to 'having feelings' for Professor Snape – what a way to put it! Still, he'd seemed to know it already, so there wasn't much point in hiding it. He'd also seemed to understand that that was as far as it went. She'd never said anything about it to Snape; they hadn't been carrying on or anything. Well, that much was obvious, or there would have been no blood!

Rowan finished her meal and looked around. No one seemed to notice Snape's absence. How long would he be gone? And how on earth was she going to face him when he came back? She didn't allow herself to consider the alternative possibility.

Author's Notes: Thanks again to Verity for being my beta.

You'll be relieved to know that humorous bits will start sneaking back in very soon!