Backlash From Class
Chapter 5 of 7
muzicfan5Class with the seventh years. More snark, more sex ed.
ReviewedDisclaimer: I borrowed these toys for a bit, if JKR’s lucky she’ll get them back (relatively) unharmed.
Thanks to my wonderful betas, HP_BNC and hp4freek! Thanks to admin, who point out any silly mistakes I've made!
Chapter Five: Backlash from Class
News was spreading faster than wildfire again. There were mutterings in the halls, and they were even starting to spread into other classrooms.
“Did you see how mad Snape was about masturbation?” One sixth year Slytherin muttered to his neighbour during Transfiguration.
“I know! A lack of action could explain his sallow skin though… He always looks so sickly,” she commented back.
“And all that greasy hair. What could that be from?”
“His fear of water,” the boy responded to her. They both snickered quietly, afraid of their professor taking off house points for their discussion.
Later that day
Snape loomed outside of his classroom a bit longer than usual. It seemed like the students inside were talking about him! Being a mockery was nothing new to him, his entire time as a student in school was made hell by those damned Marauders. He knew he was not well liked, he had always been a bit eager to let his anger take over for him. It was so much easier to be angry than to be hurt, so he made it a point to always be the one doing the hurting.
He could not pass in the halls anymore without passing clusters of students. All the students giving him appraising looks, declaring that, “A good shag in a broom cupboard would give his skin a nice healthy glow.” Or, “He wouldn’t look so sickly, if he actually spent some time outside and got some natural sunlight.” Heaven forbid I go tanning. This delicate skin would burn before an hour was up! Some of the girls voiced their opinions, stating, “He may not have such trouble finding women, if he were a bit nicer.” ‘Bit’ is the understatement of the year! It’s right up there with saying that Voldemort just needed to be hugged more as a kid. Well, maybe he did, but that's besides the point!
Friday
As Hermione had feared, and with good reason too, this class was going to be just as bad, if not worse, than the previous day. As soon as she had finished her lecture, hands shot into the air. Hermione pointed to a red-headed Gryffindor.
“I was wondering how to avoid becoming pregnant.”
“That’s a very good question indeed!” Hermione praised the girl. “We’ll talk about wizarding practices first, because I’m sure that you’ll be a little more familiar with them. There is of course, a potion you could take. Perhaps Professor Snape would be better at explaining it than I.”
Severus gave her the fiercest look he could muster before he took over class explanation momentarily. “The potion Miss Granger is speaking of is taken by the male in the relationship. Its purpose is stop sperm production. It does not affect your ability to ejaculate or orgasm; it simply kills the sperm. It is a slow acting poison for them. You can take the potion once a month, and be fine for the next 30 days. Once the potion's effect has worn off, there is no damage to the reproductive organs or their ability to produce offspring.” He drawled his answer in a bored tone. He glared once more at Hermione; then, he handed their attention back to her. He was, once again, able to retreat into the safety of his shadows.
“There is also a spell that can be cast on the woman. It forms a barrier at the end of her cervix, preventing any semen from entering the uterus, and therefore, making impregnation virtually impossible. The spell lasts for a two hour block, so I strongly recommend applying it shortly before you begin your seduction plans.
“Muggles have their own ways to avoid pregnancy. There are these objects called condoms. They can be made of various types of plastic material; they work by being placed on the male genitalia, typically. Though there are female versions of them, too. Their function is not letting the semen enter the woman’s body. Condoms are fairly effective, although they can break; they also protect against diseases. Muggles have loads of them, although most are viruses and cannot be cured. Female Muggles can also take hormones. They serve a few purposes: help regulate the menstrual cycle, help your skin stay clearer, and reduce mood swings and the cramps associated with the female’s cycle, commonly referred to as her period.” Everyone in the classroom had flushed to a ghastly white colour. “Don’t act like such first years! This is biology and a fact of life! You asked about it, I’m just giving you answers,” Hermione huffed, but continued teaching. “There are some other Muggle options, too. Next class we’ll look at Muggle practices a bit further in depth.” She gave a wicked smile to the class.
More hands shot up, and another nervous looking girl asked a question. “How can you tell if you’ve messed up and you think you may be pregnant?”
“There is a simple spell you can cast to find out if you are with child. I would strongly recommend that you seek medical attention immediately. The spell will tell you if you are with child, but not the health of your child. You could have a consultation to decide several things. First, what the best course of care for you is, including a supply of potions, for both your health and the child’s. Second, if you feel like you are too young or unable to care for the child, you can also discuss adoption for the child or termination of the pregnancy. It is more difficult to end a Muggle pregnancy; there is a medical procedure for it, whereas, in the wizarding world you can take a potion. I must warn you all that both options are emotionally taxing, and your best bet is to avoid being in that situation in the first place.” The bell rang as soon as Hermione finished her speech, sending the children off to lunch.
Severus looked at her, disgusted. “How could you spring that on me?” His voice had a childish whine behind it, and it almost looked like he was pouting.
“Professor, it would appear to be in your job description.”
He sighed in resignation. She did have a point. Even if he was not assigned to this stupid class, he was still a Potions master, and it was in his realm of knowledge, but that did not make it any easier.
“Oh, and Severus, I would like a few new potions made, and I would really like it if I could… assist in the brewing,” she told him coyly.
“Keep me informed, and I’ll let you know when I have time for them.” He tried to sound bored when he responded, but he could not completely hide his excitement.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Birth Control and Bananas
52 Reviews | 4.73/10 Average
Very well written! Great story, even if it was a little predictable. Keep writting!
Funny story. Dry enjoyable
great story!
Response from muzicfan5 (Author of Birth Control and Bananas)
thank you for all the lovely reviews. i'm glad you liked it. it was really fun to write!
Ah there are the bananas, and some lemons!
still wondering about those bananas
very funny!
now that was a very open discussion , heaven knows what the 7th years are going to ask?
menacing scenery indeed!
LOL I liked the bit about getting the robe billowing just right, and her threats at the end!
Ah, good ending. I loved the story.
Response from muzicfan5 (Author of Birth Control and Bananas)
glad you liked it and thanks for reading! it! reviews are always appreicated!
Yes! I hope the loveliness lasts.
WHOO HOO! Now Severus is catching up
Hee heee! I so love Snape's reactions to Hermione's candor. I'm ejoying this quite a lot.
What was she thinking? Hmm....
Good chapter. I enjoyed the shampoo sub-plot. Where can I get some?
Cute. Liked the ending =)Hilarious when Snape had to remove the condom from the banana.. I would´ve killed to be a fly on that wall!
Interesting story, it had me staying up late to finish it.
Response from muzicfan5 (Author of Birth Control and Bananas)
thanks for reading. i'm glad you liked it.
I like this story, but you lost me at punk-ass, ass-gremlin. I'll just pretend I didn't hear that. ;-) Good work, thanks for sharing.
We had co-ed throughout my schooling starting in 4th grade. Hahaha. "Son, I've noticed you've been changing your bedsheets a lot lately."
ass-gremiln lol
I can't belive I missed and update! But I shouldn't complain, it gave me more to read tonight. :-) I really loved this story, from start to goal! It's a five star!
Response from muzicfan5 (Author of Birth Control and Bananas)
aww thanks! you kind words mean a lot!
great story. thank you.
Response from muzicfan5 (Author of Birth Control and Bananas)
Thanks!
*insert shameless self plug* If you like my style of writing you may be pleased to know that I'm working on something else. It's considerably darker than this fic was. It may be more angst, i'm not sure yet. I also haven't decided if there will be any romance. It takes place about 20 years earlier in Hogwarts. I hope to have the prologue posted in the next few days!
Response from pickles (Reviewer)
sounds wonderful.
just a little my-self pimping. i posted a challenge at wiktt. it's called the little black book challenge. check it out.
waiting for more stories. p
ps let me know when you've posted your new one.
excellent chapter. was there a silencing spell in place. what are the professors thoughts leaving the classroom with a smug look i'm certain. waiting for more. p
Response from muzicfan5 (Author of Birth Control and Bananas)
no silencing charm in place. no time for such silly things. besides, they were <I>mostly</i> quiet. I didn't picture Severus looking smug as he was leaving, just sweeping away in his typical manner.
glad you liked it! more should be up within a few days!
I like the story its very funny. it reminds me when what I learned in sex ed. I had a teacher bring in apiece of wood shaped like a dick. I was like WTF.We all had to place a condom on what we called Mr.Woody. I remeber when i was called . I had to go up.. I did not know what to do, at that time i never had sex or much less talk of it. When i tried it on.. I placed it too tight and it ripped and I had to take it off and pressed the tip too hard. ..That was the worst day of my life... back then it was bad being called on last it meant your doom..anyway this chapter made me think of it back then...........oh funny.
Response from muzicfan5 (Author of Birth Control and Bananas)
Believe it or not we did the same thing in college, of all places. silly living learning classes. Someone from planned parent hood came in, and she brought her wood dildo, which was also named "woody." thankfully they didn't make us all put a condom on woody lol.
we'll i'm glad you could find amusement in this story. I definately did a bit of laughing while i wrote up this crazy piece of work.