Tonks' Worst Nightmare

Tonks' Worst Nightmare

In the drawing room of number twelve, Grimmauld Place, Molly Weasley was sobbing her heart out on Remus' shoulder. Moments before, a dead Harry had lain spread-eagled on the drawing room carpet, or at least, it might as well have been the real Harry, considering the heart-rending way Molly was moaning.

Moody had used his electric blue eye to follow her and Harry's departure from the kitchen and had instantly informed Remus of the inexplicable disturbance. Sirius had merely been standing nearby, but had been quick to follow when catching word of the sudden series of corpses displayed on his drawing room floor.

The Boggart had been easy enough to Vanish, but Molly, on the other hand, seemed to have worked herself into a real state. Remus did his best to soothe the distraught woman.

It took a while, but finally, she seemed to have calmed herself enough to offer a tremulous smile. 'Being silly,' she muttered then, mopping her eyes.

A little while later, after bidding Molly and Harry a good night, the three returned to the kitchen and found that almost every party-guest had left for the evening. Only Tonks and Mundungus were still sitting by the enormous kitchen table, the latter of which had evidently found himself a secret supply of Firewhisky he now seemed determined to consume.

On the exact moment of their entry into the kitchen, Tonks appeared to choke abruptly on a bite of the orange trifle she was holding. Over the next ten minutes or so, she had speedily emptied a bottle of mulled mead and managed to break two perfectly unscratched glasses in a haste attempt to pour herself some additional mead (even the shards were Vanished surprisingly fast, Remus noted). Ultimately, she ended up snatching one of Mundungus' Firewhiskies, downing it straight from the bottle in deep gulps.

That was indeed one peculiar woman. When Remus first met her, he had discovered that the very young Auror not only had outrageous taste in hair-colour, but she had also a multi-faceted personality to go with it. Cocky and loud (perhaps even slightly annoyingly so), she had reminded him much of when he had first met Sirius on the Hogwarts Express, and it was only with mild surprise he learnt later on that her mother's maiden name actually had been as Black as her daughter appeared.

This sudden boozing, however, seemed a bit extreme even for Tonks, and Remus discreetly wondered whether this young witch ever would cease to puzzle him. Still, none of the others seemed to have noticed this odd behaviour of hers (they were currently busying themselves, trying to separate Mundungus from his beloved bottles), and so Remus decided that this odd behaviour merely implied she might already have had one bottle of mulled mead too many.

Finishing his own butterbeer, he simply remained his calm old self and half-leaned against the sink, enjoying the others' amusing struggle with Mundungus.

At last, Moody managed to fix Mundungus with such a stern 'Constant Sobriety' stare that the ginger-haired scoundrel dared nothing else but to obediently follow Moody out of the kitchen as the elder Auror gruffly exclaimed that only stupid people who wanted themselves killed would neglect a healthy, full-night's sleep.

An awkward moment of silence occurred in the emptied kitchen.

Remus suddenly came to reflect over how very unusual it was for Tonks to still be around. Somehow, he'd got the distinct impression that she had been avoiding him over the past few weeks. But perhaps he had been mistaken, since she now clearly was sitting there (admittedly looking quite unsettled, but still, sitting right there).

Sirius looked like he was just about to break the prolonged silence when Remus noticed that Tonks suddenly rose from her seat. She walked up to him with an oddly urgent look on her face.

'Remus,' she said resolutely, 'I need you to kiss me.'

He thought he might have heard Sirius spurt out a mouth-full of his mulled mead from somewhere beside him, but he wasn't really sure because before he knew it, Tonks had quickly leaned in to press her lips against his.

Startled by this sudden contact, he didn't manage much else than to stare wide-eyed at a couple of tiny freckles on the bridge of her nose.

For a split second they merely stood there, her lips awkwardly pressed to his, when suddenly, a low and murmuring sound could be heard from the back of Tonks' throat. Without any further warning, the young witch grabbed the bench on either side of him and pressed close, firmly pinning him to the sink. His body was quick to inform him it had been far too long since a woman had been this close, and a suppressed part of him longed to touch her, just to confirm she wasn't a mad phantom.

It was only two seconds after he registered her slowly biting down on his lower lip that she finally seemed to come to her senses.

Jumping back as if he had just performed an Imperturbable Charm on his tweedy self, she merely stood there, slightly breathless, looking absolutely horrified. Remus gazed back, eyes unblinkingly fixed on her nose, still not really able to fathom what had actually happened just then.

Sirius measured the situation and then cleared his throat.

'You know, Tonks,' he said with only the slightest hint of a smirk, 'when I said you should cut the man some slack, I didn't actually mean you oughta give the poor lad a heart-attack.'

Tonks' face grew as tomato red as her hair.

'I, er...' she mumbled, clearly having no idea what to say.

Sirius smirked openly now, and Tonks made a few fish-like attempts in moving her mouth. 'Ineedt'go,' she ultimately managed and quickly stumbled out of the kitchen. Remus was left staring bewildered at the kitchen door.

'Wow, Moony,' Sirius then said, sounding as if he had never really seen the man before. 'I must confess I never saw you as much of a ladies' man before, but damn, women are just throwing themselves at you tonight, huh?' He wiggled his eyebrows vigorously.

Remus was efficiently pulled back to reality and turned to look at Sirius with a face that suggested the man was really one persistent and annoying little pebble, unwelcomely trapped in his shoe.

'You knew something about this?' he demanded, ignoring Sirius' most recent comment.

Sirius fought to maintain his innocent face. 'You mean to imply that I somehow knew my dear cousin'd go all mental with this sudden Female Werewolf in Heat act?'

'Yes,' Remus merely confirmed, unmoved.

'Okay,' Sirius began, now sounding slightly alarmed. 'Okay. So I admit being slightly guilty about, er... enlightening her that she had no business bolting off on you like before, but...'

'Say what?' interrupted Remus and narrowed his eyes, efficiently displaying his discontentment.

Sirius started to look much like a naughty child caught in action. '...But it was all for the greater good,' he quickly continued. 'If I hadn't, you'd still think she had secret werewolf issues...which she really hasn't.'

Remus wasn't looking all that convinced.

'I swear, Moony, I had only your best interests at heart,' Sirius urged.

He really seemed to fully master the art of making a werewolf feel extremely sceptical.

'Honest, I'd never...' Sirius tried desperately, but the sight of Remus' highly incredulous facial expression made him stop short. He cursed loudly. 'Would you bloody stop doing that?!'

'What?' asked Remus, adapting a perfectly unknowing facial expression.

'That bloody stupid inquiring technique of yours, is bloody what,' Sirius raged.

Remus smiled, almost wickedly.

Sirius gave an indignant snort. 'And people say you're the nice and sensible one,' he muttered, eyeing Remus with admire-mixed-dislike.

'But as I was saying,' he stressed, still glaring at Remus, 'she didn't get round to saying too much during, er... certain loud circumstances – but – she did make it clear enough that there were no secret prejudice issues involved whatsoever.'

'And since she didn't "get round saying too much", you figured this... how?' asked Remus, uncorking another butterbeer and raising an inquiring eyebrow at Sirius.

Sirius gaped open-mouthed. 'Pardon? You mean to say you were completely Stupefied before?' he exclaimed in an overly incredulous tone. 'I, of course, figured it all out straight away,' he continued in an unjustifiably smug voice. 'Obviously, if not all the mad blushing and running off knocking things over said it all, then her cave-woman display tonight most certainly did...' He made a theatrical pause for effect.

'Yes?' Remus pressed, not really knowing whether to laugh or not.

Sirius cracked a smug grin. 'I'd say she's either off her rocker or completely delusional, 'cause Moony, old mate,' he sighed solemnly. 'Clearly, the poor woman's madly in love with you.'

The werewolf brutally choked on his newly opened butterbeer.

*

When Tonks woke up next morning, she spent the whole of three seconds in a sleepy state of blissful oblivion, but then remembrances of last night's fiasco ruthlessly overpowered her mind, and she uttered a tormented groan. Burying her face under the many layers of pillows in her bed, she decided to smother herself instantly.

'Tonks, you're so stupid, stupid, stupid...' came her muffled rant from under the pillows as she attacked them fiercely with her hammering fists. '...Stupid, stupid, stupid, Tonks, what were you thinking?' She unburied herself to gasp for breath.

This was a nightmare. A very cruel one, to say the least; it was one of those that just seemed too mortifying to be true, but too real to possibly be make-believe.

Oh, her blood had undergone some remarkable changes all right, but for once, the twins had nothing to do with it and as far as she knew, their potion had worked perfectly well. Actually, everything about last night ought to have worked perfectly well – she had even waited until the opportune moment and everything – but then...

'I had to go pounce on him like a bloody Kneazle on a bloody little mouse,' she groaned, smacking her forehead with the palm of her hand.

She hadn't even been able to muster a decent explanation before her traitorous feet had carried her far away from the place. She snorted tersely. Like there would have been an explanation anyway.

Fighting an urge to maul her pillows with another flurry of fists, she suddenly realised that, surely, she must have done more embarrassing things in her life than to attack Defenceless Against Daft Acts professors. Still, on every other occasion, there had been valid reasons for her mad actions. But in this particular case – and this was what really was bugging her – the only explanation she had been able to think of (while twisting and turning before falling asleep) was that the man had smelled so damn good. And she wasn't about to accept that as a valid reason anytime soon.

Surely it should take more than a whiff of clean washed tweed, dark chocolate, and some discreetly masculine after-shave to have Tonks lose her marbles that utterly. (Not that I remember any of it that clearly, anyway, she quickly informed herself.) She stared at her bedroom ceiling and pondered for a while.

Suddenly realising that she really needed to be on time this time, she finally decided to appoint that last drink of Firewhisky as scapegoat, and distinctly pleased with this new prospect, she rose from her bed to get ready for the day.

Tonks was infinitely relieved to remember that she had volunteered with Molly and Podmore to be Harry's special escort to King's Cross this morning. She deftly morphed into disguise and picked out one of her hideous-but-useful grandma outfits, and even though she really had no particularly strong urge to face Remus today, she ultimately decided against using that one draught of Felix Felicis her mum had got her after finishing Auror training. Tonks reckoned she had better just grab that infamous bull's balls and get this ruddy day over and done with, unpleasant as it undoubtedly would be.

Unfortunately, once she had reached number twelve, Tonks was about to discover that "unpleasant" was a massive understatement.

There were, thankfully, no further kissing incidents, but Remus had (of course) already risen from bed. He entered the kitchen just when she was about to dig in on one of Molly's juicy breakfast pies and, naturally, she mistook her wand for a fork and turned the whole thing purple and inedible. Actually, it reminded her much of one of Aunt Mildred's suspicious-looking hats.

'Perfect,' she exclaimed brightly, trying really hard to sound as if she had meant to do that. She put the pork pie on her head and hurried out of the kitchen, not daring to look Remus in the eye.

Since they couldn't wait around for the mysteriously missing Podmore any longer, they brought the youngsters to King's Cross and saw them off (Padfoot looking deliriously happy to finally be let out from his current prison, if only for a short little while).

She found herself desperately hoping to sneak off into the crowd before Remus would try to speak with her, but alas, no such luck. She had just barely managed to slowly work herself to the back of the Order escort, when he suddenly approached and slightly leaned in towards her currently short-and-granny form.

'Might I have a word later?' he asked in a lowered voice.

Oh, damn.

'Sure, whenever,' she said, forcing a bright smile. Tonks resolutely ignored the faint and all too familiar smell that radiated from him, seemingly determined to rub her nose in yesterday's little mishap.

'Today?' he pressed.

Double-damn. No further possibility to act stupid and deliberately misinterpret his request.

'Of course,' she managed finally, this time massively failing to force a grin. 'I'll just come by headquarters after work then.'

'Excellent,' said Remus and offered a brief smile before leaving her to her misery.

Damn. Damn. Damn.

*

It was a, yet again, vividly pink-haired Tonks that Apparated to Grimmauld Place later that day. Reluctantly ascending the old stone stairs to number twelve, she suddenly felt extremely aware of the oddly blended sensation of curiosity and horror within her. (Curiosity, since she did sort of wonder whether she actually had managed to cause that alleged heart-perturbation, and horror, since the whole kissing accident really wasn't one of those things she could look back at and laugh about just yet.)

Remus must have seen her coming through the window, because before she knew it, he had opened the door.

'Hello, Tonks,' he said.

'Yeah, heya, Nymphadora,' came Sirius' voice from behind him. 'Hope you're hungry, 'cause I've got a smashing piece of wolf steak coming riight u...'

'Sirius, you stay out of this one,' Remus interrupted, sounding dead serious. Tonks was surprised to notice that her cousin surrendered with only the faintest of grumbling sounds.

'Shall we?' Remus asked and made a gesture towards the kitchen entrance.

Tonks merely nodded and offered a brave smile. Alright, Tonks, act normal. Like nothing major's happened. Since nothing major HAS happened. Really. It was just the necessary end to an evil concoction. She drew a deep breath. Yeah. That's right. Just smiile. She forced the corners of her mouth into a slightly unnatural position.

They wandered off to the end of the hall.

'Coffee?' Remus wondered after he closed the kitchen door behind them.

'Um... no, thanks,' she said quite frankly, the rigid smile still plastered on her face. 'I could use some mead, though,' she added hopefully, realising that some mildly alcoholic courage might come in handy, as she really needed to rid herself of this stupid grimace that refused to unglue itself from her face.

He poured them a glass each and suggested they should have a seat.

'So...' he then said, taking a small sip.

'So...' she echoed perkily, providing herself with a much mightier sip. She realised this whole ordeal had better be explained quickly, or there would be no end to this prolonged torture.

Remus put his glass down on the table and cleared his throat carefully. 'About last night...' he began cautiously, but Tonks decided to cut him off short.

'Listen, I'm really-really sorry about all that. I've honestly been meaning to tell you for ages – but my bloody blood always seemed to go off and – well – sort of boil like mad, really, and I know it was kinda weird of me, but I just had to take off.' Her eyes were fixed on the mead in front of her. 'You see, once I figured out what it was all about, there was no time left to explain; I just had to get it on and kiss you.' She drew a breath and offered a slightly more natural smile, ultimately daring a peek at him from under her pink fringe.

'Again, I'm sorry for any inconvenience,' she tried, when spotting the still very clueless face of Remus Lupin.

'I see...' he said, although he quite obviously didn't. 'So yesterday was just...?'

'Oh,' she said. 'Yeah, that was all just the final part of a really weird antidote Fred and George found to have my blood stop boiling around you and – I have to say – all that bolting off to avoid nosebleeds really got on my nerves there in the end.' She was relieved to notice that her tongue-tying smile finally seemed to have worn off.

Remus was looking much like a professor trying to make heads and tails out of a particularly blurry essay answer.

'Good thing it all seemed to work, too, 'cause – well – I'm still sitting right here, and you're not wearing anything all too red'n sticky,' she added brightly, after another couple moments of silence.

Finally, Remus reached what he must have considered was the most sensible conclusion here. 'Oh, the actual Antiblood Elixir then, I take it?' he then said, sounding somewhat impressed.

'Could be it; I never really checked the title that thoroughly,' she said, shrugging.

'Well, it certainly would explain most of this,' he admitted with a smile. Tonks nodded in affirmation and started happily to slurp on her mead.

But somehow, Remus still didn't seem to be fully at ease.

He cleared his throat again and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 'So, I'm definitely not your, er... secret sweetheart then or anything?' he finally said.

Tonks fought not to choke on her drink, but she failed to bottle up the incredulous snort of laughter that escaped her.

'Not exactly,' she said, conveniently blocking out the kiss that had gone slightly berserk.

The man was rude enough to almost look openly relieved, and Tonks knit her brows. Well, that was uncalled for, she thought, suddenly as cross as two sticks.

Meanwhile, Remus' face had darkened, and he growled something that could have been, 'I'll kill that dog.'

But Tonks wasn't paying much attention to this, since her eyes suddenly had caught hold of something suspiciously familiar-looking. Something thin and flesh-coloured that really couldn't be much else than...

'Hey, isn't that...'

'Why, yes, I believe it is.' Remus had also noticed the Extendables and had swiftly cut her off. 'I mean, would you look at that. It's the latest edition of The Quibbler,' he continued without hesitation, fixing her with a look that seemed to urge her to play along.

'Yeah, er... Would you look at that,' she echoed, not really sure what Remus expected of her in this odd tangent to their conversation.

'You've read the article on Sirius, I take it?' Remus then asked, corners of his mouth twitching almost maliciously.

It all suddenly clicked. Ah, Sirius, of course. But where the heck did he get one of those?

'Naturally,' she answered, winking mischievously to show him she had caught on.

'Although, I bet you didn't know that Sirius actually used to date that Doris Purkiss woman.'

Tonks exclaimed a short laugh that just barely managed to muffle the sound of protest that was uttered behind the kitchen door. 'No way,' she cried incredulously, 'the woman was old like a hag... gross!'

'Aah, you wouldn't believe it, but twelve years ago, that woman was quite the looker,' he said, raising an eyebrow suggestively.

Tonks grinned broadly, intrigued. 'Really... so what happened?'

'The REAL Stubby Boardman,' Remus said in such a perfectly grave voice that Tonks couldn't help but to chuckle loudly. 'You know, the actual Hobgoblin singer?' he continued swiftly. 'Turned out he and muddle-headed Ms Doris had been going steady for quite some time already, and he wasn't – shall we say – overly thrilled to discover his beloved repeatedly had mistaken him for this horny stripling with moral senses about as profound as the depth of his navel.' Remus' face gleamed with mischief. 'And then...'

But Tonks didn't catch the rest, she had been irrevocably set off at the "horny stripling" bit and was now clutching her sides, desperately fighting not to fall off the chair as the laughter bubbled out of her like a giant fountain of mirth.

A very offended-looking Sirius burst into the room, gesticulating wildly in what presumably was a vain attempt to claim his innocence to this 'bloody falsehood'. Unfortunately, any comprehensible part of his speech was efficiently drenched in Tonks' now madly enhanced fit of laughter.

Tears gushed down her cheeks, and Remus seemed rather to enjoy himself as well. He rose to calmly lean against the kitchen table, corners of his mouth ever twitching.

'Why, Sirius, dear,' he said smoothly when the man had finished his enraged defence. 'If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were blushing. Didn't even have to tell her about the really luscious part where you got dumped after she found out you only ever preferred to spend your nights with a certain chubby...'

'YOU LEAVE MR. MOOSE OUT OF THIS,' Sirius bellowed.

Remus chuckled loudly; Tonks had long since collapsed to the floor.

'Er... that is to say, that's all just utter bollocks, and you know it,' her cousin exclaimed lamely from the upper side of the kitchen table.

'Too late,' Remus smirked (yes, he actually smirked). 'Kings to me.'

'Yeah, yeah, kings to you, you randy old sod,' Sirius admitted gruffly.

Remus gave him what appeared to be a fatherly pat on the shoulder. 'That ought to teach you not to stick your trouble-seeking nose in other people's business,' he said.

Sirius was still glaring grumpily at the perfectly smug Remus when Tonks finally managed to climb back up on a kitchen chair, still out of breath from roaring of laughter. She noticed that the broad, stupid smile from earlier seemed to have sent for an upgrade because she just couldn't stop grinning, no matter how hard she tried. She shook her head in disbelief.

The man was funny. Who would've thought?

*

Much later, when all sounds of day had been silenced by the dead of night, Tonks turned restlessly in her bed, her breathing fast and shallow. Shadows had closed in on her from every corner and angle, and suddenly, a high-pitched scream pierced the stillness. The young witch desperately twitched and struggled in her sleep, her sheets damp with sweat and shed tears.

'Noo, no, please... no.'

But no one heard her cries for help, and when dawn finally chased the shadows away, she remembered nothing.

* * *

A/N: And so, the Very Unlikely plot thickens...

Oh, and the pork pie hat is definitely canon. It's right there on page 165 (UK edition) ;)

Cookies to those who feel gracious enough to offer me some comments ^^