An Afternoon With He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Gnomed

Thank you all so much for your continued support. I'm very happy you are all enjoying this story. I've got a couple of things going on in this chapter. I have to thank Amethystique for the idea she gave me with the Hippogriffs. While its not exactly what she said, I think this works just as well.

All canon characters belong to JKR.

Thank you to June for all of her suggestions and help in this chapter.

Chapter 16 – An Afternoon With He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Gnomed

Albus walked up the short steps leading to the door of Hagrid's hut and knocked lightly. Voldemort-as-gnome sat on the Headmaster's forearm, scowling with his arms crossed. The door opened and Hagrid happily greeted the Headmaster.

"Professor, what can I do for you?" Hagrid looked at the small gnome in Albus' arms and his eyes went wide with surprise. "Mr. Tinkles! You're alive!"

Voldemort rolled his eyes and slapped his hand on his face in aggravation. The mortification was just too much; Azkaban would be better. He leaned against Albus' breast pocket, which had a large brooch pinned to it, and began beating his head against the sharp metal, hoping to knock himself into an unconscious state.

"No, Hagrid, this isn't Mr. Tinkles." Albus walked in as Hagrid allowed him passage. The half-giant shut the door and looked puzzled.

"But, he looks like Mr. Tinkles. Why, Ron took him into the castle a while ago." Hagrid walked to the Headmaster and bent down to get a better look at the small gnome.

The twelve-inch-high Voldemort looked at the half-giant and stuck his tongue out at him.

Hagrid inhaled sharply, as his Mr. Tinkles would never have been so rude.

Albus invited the Professor of Care of Magical Creatures to sit down, and then proceeded to summarize what had happened to Severus, being careful to leave out details that the gnome shouldn't hear. He told Hagrid of Severus' possession by Voldemort and his subsequent exile from the Potions master's body. Albus only said that the Dark Lord had tried to kill Hermione, with no details. Hagrid clasped his hand to his mouth and looked at Voldemort.

"Do you know about the..."

"Yes, I most certainly do know about the...thing Severus was making for you." Voldemort smirked as the bearded half-giant sitting across from him now blushed. During his last few moments in Severus body he not only learned that Lucius was also a traitor, but he'd also found out just exactly what sort of potions Severus had been making for his friends. Mr. Filch had requested a potion for his horrendous halitosis, while Poppy needed something for the flatulence she couldn't seem to get rid of with anything. And now, Hagrid realized that the gnome sitting on Albus' lap knew that he'd asked Severus for a penis enlarging potion. Not every part of Hagrid was giant-sized.

With eyebrow arched, Voldemort cracked a nasty little smile.

Albus was confused. "Hagrid? What is this... thing you two are talking about?"

"Oh, it's just a tiny problem Hagrid has."

"Why, you evil little..." said Hagrid as he leaned towards the gnome.

Voldemort ducked beneath Albus' long sleeve and made his way behind his back.

"Let me have him, Professor!"

Albus raised his hand hoping to keep Hagrid calm. After all, as much as Tom Riddle needed to be taught a lesson, the Headmaster in good conscience couldn't allow a gnome, no matter who it really was, hurt either. Voldemort was a defenseless creature now. He would be taught a lesson, but not with violence. Humility was more what Albus had in mind, along with a healthy dose of penance and suffering. He'd always read about the controversies in the Muggle world about capital punishment. He knew that Voldemort deserved that and more, but knowing Tom like he did, allowing him to live his life in the servitude of others would be a punishment worse than death.

"Well, Hagrid, have him you shall, but I must ask you to not harm him. He is after all a gnome now. But I do have an idea."

~*~

Severus and Hermione Apparated to his home, just as they had done several days before. They walked up the walkway silently. As soon as they entered they were greeted by Dari, Lucius' elf.

"Dari, what are you doing here?" asked Severus.

"Master has asked me to serve you for the evening." Dari smiled and looked at the witch and wizard. The elf had treated Hermione the night she was raped, and though Dari wasn't directly informed of all that happened, she knew everything. She was the head house-elf at Malfoy Manor, and thus she knew the goings-on of the household; also, she'd heard several conversations between her mistress and Hermione. Dari was thrilled when her master asked her to go to his friend's home and help the couple.

"Thank you, Dari, but we can tend to ourselves," said Hermione, smiling. While she knew they wanted to serve, she still felt uncomfortable at times being waited on hand-and-foot by house-elves.

"Oh no, miss, it is my pleasure to help you this evening."

Severus looked at Hermione. "Very well, Dari. You can start dinner, but we will be in need your other services in a short while."

Dari bowed and blinked into the kitchen.

"House-elf magic might be useful after we get through with the upstairs bedroom, don't you think?" said Severus.

Hermione caressed his cheek and smiled softly as she nodded.

They walked up the stairs together. Halfway up, Severus took hold of her hand and squeezed it tightly. Once they reached the top, they walked several more steps and stood in the bedroom doorway. There was a sharp intake of breath from Hermione as she looked at the bed. Severus had been so upset himself, he'd not bothered to remove the bloodied sheets. Dari also noticed the state the bedroom was in when she arrived, but knew that the witch and wizard had to deal with it themselves.

Severus looked at Hermione and saw the tears falling from her cheeks. Before he could reach over towards her and wipe them away, she entered the room with her wand pointed straight ahead.

The blasts were heard clear into the next neighborhood. It sounded like bombs exploding. Hermione cared for nothing except the release of her anger, so Dari ran outside from the kitchen and placed silencing wards around the property. As Hermione set fire to the bed and everything else in the room, Severus stood calmly near the door. From his position he cast a fire repellent spell on Hermione, after he noticed fire now surrounding her. Severus had his own anger at Voldemort for the rape, but he could always "borrow" the creature from Hagrid and kick the Dark Gnome, or better still, there were a few potions he needed to test out and Voldemort was a talking subject. Severus allowed himself a smile as he mentally listed the potions he would start with.

One of the blasts made a huge hole in the bedroom and wind was filling the room. Hermione's hair was blowing wildly all around her head as she continued to cry and destroy.

After almost twenty minutes of destruction she looked towards the door. She saw the dark shadow of Severus standing near the door, one arm extended towards her.

"Severus," she whispered as she walked towards him, not realizing she was walking through the fire with no ill effects, thanks to his protective spell. She took hold of his hand and he pulled her towards him. He wrapped his arms around her trembling body and caressed her hair as she expelled the last of the dark emotions that had been festering inside of her for days.

"He will never hurt you again, Hermione." Severus kissed her on top of her head. They walked out of the room.

The Malfoy house-elf met them at the head of the stairs.

"Dari," Severus began.

"I know what to do, sir." Dari walked past the two and waved her hand. Not only did the fire immediately go out, but the entire room disappeared. Dari moved the guest bedroom into the open spot, and created an empty larger master bedroom and bath in the corner of the home, where the guest room once was. If Hermione wished, she would never have to set foot in that section of the home; if she did, it would be an entirely different room all together. The new bedroom was a blank canvas, for her wizard and her to make their own.

Dari then blinked back to the kitchen and continued working on their dinner. She realized Hermione had needed to lash out and destroy the room where the rape occurred in order to take out her frustrations and anger from the attack. Dari knew that the witch felt cleansed now, and that she would be able to begin where she left off with her dark wizard.

~*~

After Albus left Voldemort with Hagrid, the half-giant and gnome stared at one another for several moments until Hagrid stood and picked up his longtime enemy.

"You're squeezing me too hard, you brute!" squeaked the gnome formerly known as the Dark Lord.

"You're lucky I don't squeeze you harder for embarrassing me like that," said Hagrid. He knew perfectly well that a gnome's body could take a lot of punishment.

"If the baby shoe fits," Voldemort started to say, until Hagrid tightened his grip, "ouch!"

Hagrid walked towards the Hippogriff stalls. He had two at the present. One was a brother to Buckbeak, and the other was a pregnant female.

"Now, Tom, since I've got you here I may as well put you to work." Hagrid walked to a small table next to the pen and picked up a thin rope. He then began to tie it around the gnome's belly.

Voldemort hated having his real name used, but he knew that no one would be calling him Lord Voldemort, or Dark lord. 'Hmm...maybe I can get them to call me Lord Gnome,' he mused to himself. He then felt the rope tightening around his waist. He looked down at what Hagrid was doing, then placed his hands on his hips and looked up at the half-giant.

"And what may I ask are you doing this for? I can't possibly run anywhere. I'm not a complete idiot; I know I wouldn't survive out there in the Forbidden Forest like this. I'd be eaten within minutes!"

Hagrid smiled and picked him up. He walked into the pen and towards the pregnant Hippogriff.

Gnome Voldemort looked on the ground.

"Ugh, it stinks! There are piles of dung all over the place. You can't possibly expect me to shovel this up." The gnome looked at the half-giant incredulously.

"I wouldn't be concerned with the dung out here. You should be worried about the dung in there." Hagrid then pointed to the Hippogriff's anus.

Voldemort's eyes went wide.

"What's that supposed to me?" the Dark Gnome began to squirm. "And why have you tied this rope around me?"

"Well, I wouldn't want you to get stuck and not be able to pull you out, now would I?" Hagrid had an evil gleam in his eye, something that anyone who knew him would be shocked to see. But Voldemort had pushed the half-giant too far. Hagrid had a score to settle with Tom for Hermione's attack, Moaning Myrtle's death, and for getting him expelled when they were in school, as well as almost spilling the beans to Albus about his shortcomings.

"Now, this pretty girl here is Red Feathers. She's got a bad case of constipation, and since she's expecting I don't want to give her any potions." Hagrid looked at Voldemort and smiled. "That's where you come in, or should I say go in."

Voldemort gasped and began kicking his feet and flailing his arms.

"Nooooo, let me go! I won't go, I won't do it!"

"It's not that hard. All you have to do is crawl in, carefully I might add, and push out any dung she's got near the entrance there. You really only have to get her started. Once she gets going it'll all come out on its own. Mr. Dinkerdoo did this last week and he said the slide out was quite fun."

Hagrid raised Red Feathers' tail and placed gnome Voldemort near the entrance of her anus.

As soon as the gnome got close, he placed his hands on either side of the animal's opening, then his legs.

Hagrid tried to shove him into the hole, but Voldemort wasn't budging.

"Stop that, I can't slide you in if you do that!" said a frustrated Hagrid.

"That's the general idea, you idiot!" yelled gnome Voldemort. "Do you expect me to make it easy for you to shove me up a Hippogriff's a..."

Before he finished his last word, Hagrid managed to catch him off-guard and shoved the squirming gnome up the animal's anal cavity. Hagrid took a broom handle and slowly pushed it against Voldemort so that he could shove him further in. He could hear the muffled cries of the gnome. He wasn't worried; in fact, Hagrid was thinking that the herd of Thestrals might need a good colonic cleansing too.

Inside the Hippogriff's anal cavity Voldemort could barely stand the stench. Not only was it difficult to breathe, but he'd been yelling to Hagrid that the broom handle was going up his own anal cavity and he'd gotten a chunk of shit in his mouth.

"Oh, Hagrid," the Voldemort the gnome said to himself as he crawled slowly into the Hippogriff. "You have them all so fooled, haven't you? Oh yes, you look like this sweet benign giant, but nooooo, you are the spawn of the underworld."

~*~*~*~*~*~

There you have it. I should start another chapter soon and hopefully have it up some time next week.

Thanks for reading.