Chapter Forty-Four

By the time I got back into the kitchen Lupin was there, and I could tell it wasn't good.

'We lost five of our number,' Black said, his voice flat with anger, turning away from where Lupin slouched at the door with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. 'Gideon and Fabian Prewett, Caradoc Dearborn, Dorcas Meadows, and Aiden Fenwick.'

'Benjy's brother?' I asked, wondering if it were wise to drag up Benjy Fenwick's name at all, and who would tell Molly Weasley that her brothers were both dead, and if there would be any one of us not touched by death at Riddle's hand.

Black just shook his head though. 'His cousin.'

'And them?' I asked.

'We only took out three of them,' Black snarled. 'Dolohov and two fucking lightweights.'

'Riddle knew,' I said, voicing the unnecessary as I sat at the table, and Ethel pushed a mug of something hot in front of me. 'I think you should call a meeting, Black, but only of those of whom you are completely sure.'

'Just you and me then?' he asked, sticking a cigarette into the corner of his mouth.

'Surely Lupin?' I asked, nodding to where the werewolf still stood at the door, and I got the idea he was waiting for his next challenge, and that surprised me when it shouldn't have. 'Dumbledore and McGonagall, of course. What about Moody?'

'How the fuck do I know who to trust?' he snapped. 'I should have been there.' And I could see how much it stung him that he had sent others to do his dying for him.

In the end we sat making a list of everyone in the Order, adding those who were not actually members, but who were in the Order's confidence one way or another. On one hand it was far too many people, and on the other it wasn't nearly enough, not if it came down to a fight.

*****

Lupin had left to break the news to Molly, and I didn't envy him his task. It was late in the afternoon when Dumbledore arrived, and by that time Black and I, and indeed Ethel, had decided on only one thing. Aside from those mentioned specifically in 'Die Letztendliche Wahrheit?', and Dumbledore, Minerva, and Henry Potter, we would confide in nobody completely. It would mean two sets of meetings, the Order meetings where all of those in the Order would be present, and meetings in Spinner's End where Lupin and Dumbledore could keep us up to date. Whatever happened, if we were to maintain our cover, the Potters, Sirius and I could not be seen to be a part of any planning the Order was doing, not until we knew the enemy in our midst. Perhaps it was then that I began to understand just how important men like Arthur Weasley and Remus Lupin were, and that made me realise just how important the little book was to me.

None of that stopped me worrying of course. Our security had been breached, and as we didn't know by whom, I had no way of knowing if Ethel's picture wasn't even then harbouring a traitor's relative, or how much damage we had already done, or if the traitor had even accompanied those Order members who had called at Malfoy Manor after Lucius died, and I panicked when I couldn't even remember who all of them were.

'Remember the book, dear,' Ethel chided gently, nodding to where 'Die Letztendliche Wahrheit?' had appeared in front of me at the table, when I knew quite well I had left it in my workroom. 'Remember the book.'

I looked down at it, unsurprised to see its message, one it had left for me once before: "It may be ill-considered to trust too much; yet you will fail if you do not trust enough. Remember the triumph of friendship is not the smile, or even the outstretched hand, but the faith that others place in you. For in the end you must rely not on the words of your enemies, but the silence of your friends."

I nodded, somehow a little bit more at ease. 'My task is to be afraid, but to go on anyway,' I said, adding a little more of what had been its message of that day.

'It may be vain of me, Severus dear,' Ethel said, 'but I do not think this traitor is someone I have met.'

'Go on,' I urged.

'Nothing else, dear,' she said. 'I doubt I have met him... or her. Perhaps at least that will narrow your field somewhat. It teaches us one valuable lesson though, Severus, and that is to be wary of anyone whose depths we do not know, however insignificant a part they play in the grander scheme of things.'

I looked across to Black, relieved and frightened to see that he was afraid too, but unlike me his fear was for others, and his concern was more specific.

'It's a boy, Severus,' he said quietly, and I didn't need to ask what he meant. 'James says to tell you that he leaves it up to you when to tell Riddle. The child is expected fairly soon now, but James thinks it better if you tell Riddle before the birth.' I looked away, not wanting the pressure of that trust. 'Damnit, Severus; get a grip of yourself,' he snarled, and I mistook his meaning, as I mistook so much about him and all the others.

'Potter is, or will be the boy's father, Black. It is not for me to juggle with his safety.'

Sirius had stood up, and he reached across the table to the little book, and thrust it under my nose. 'Don't you understand what it's trying to tell you?' he asked, and I must have frowned my confusion. 'It's all about trust, too much of it or not enough, but everything's about trust.'

'I trust you, Black,' I replied, my own temper beginning to rise in bewilderment and hurt indignation that I even had to say that. 'I trust Lupin and Dumbledore, and... and Arthur and Henry... I even trust James fucking Potter.'

'I know,' he said, raking his hands through his hair in what looked like exasperation. 'And they all trust you too. You've missed my meaning though.'

'Well, make yourself clear,' I snapped.

'Try trusting yourself, Severus,' he said, nodding to the book. 'I think... I know that's what it's trying to tell you.' And with that the little book snapped shut, leaving me feeling slightly discomfited, and more than a little foolish.

*****

'It is... it will be a boy,' I said, watching Riddle carefully where he sat at my fire, rolling his cheroot from one side of his mouth to another in a way that had begun to annoy me intensely, and I knew it was just hate of everything about him.

He looked up and nodded slowly, a faint smile of satisfaction on his lips as he threw the remains of the cheroot into the fire. 'I should like Lily Potter under my care now, Severus,' he said. 'It is only fitting that as the mother of such a child she should be cared for in an appropriate manner. In fact,' he said as though just making up the mind he had probably made up long before, 'I would like you to re-open Malfoy Manor.'

'That won't be possible,' I replied. Ethel had warned me some time before that Riddle, perhaps unwittingly, would be drawn to the manor, a move I knew she thought dangerous because of the ties the house held to Salazar Slytherin. 'I have charmed the house. It is uninhabitable.'

'You didn't tell me that,' he said, the ever-present anger and suspicion flaring dangerously to the surface. 'I would like to know these things, Severus.'

'Why?' I asked. 'The house belonged to Lucius Malfoy, Tom, not you.'

If he was taken aback at my flash of anger, he concealed it well, and I wondered if he had already visited the manor. I doubted that though. Ethel had assured me that the shades of the manor had taken watch and would inform Phineas Black if Salazar Slytherin became active. That made me wonder if Lucius, too, lingered in his old family home and was even then reaching out to protect his wife, his son, and his sister.

Riddle had crossed the room, and he drew his hand across my cheek as I warned myself not to appear any more hostile than I done so far, stifling the recoiling feeling in my guts. I had decided the path I had to tread, and it would not do to alienate him, not when I had to creep under his defences. I would do that for my own reasons and on my own terms though, not on his; that much I had promised myself.

'I had considered enlisting Sirius Black to keep his eye on James and Lily Potter,' I said, trying to lead him. 'After all, by bringing Black and Potter back into your fold... our fold... we can keep tabs on the child without courting the danger of them fleeing if they sense danger.'

'Out of the question,' he replied, drawing back from me as though he were the subject of unwanted attention instead of me.

'You trust Cygnus Black alone in the Ministry?' I asked, probing what I hoped was a weak point. 'Yet with both James Potter and his father there, and Sirius Black reporting directly to you, you could have them all watching one another.'

I could see the very deviousness of the idea appealed to him, and he was only wondering how to back down.

'Tom,' I said, glancing to my arm and then to where 'Die Letztendliche Wahrheit?' lay closed on my desk, 'if this is truly the child, I have to know that we can find him when we need him, and not have to chase him to a foreign land.'

'And I have to know that Lily Potter is under my... protection,' he said.

'Exactly,' I agreed. 'And what better way than having not only her husband, but her father-in-law at the Ministry?'

'Let them carry on their good works on our behalf, and leave us to ours?' he said, and I knew he was teasing me along to thinking I had a victory over him. 'However, Severus,' he went on, 'I do not intend to trust Sirius Black, not in any way,' he said. 'In fact, I would prefer if he were dealt with... No, no...' he said in a hurry as I drew back, 'I promised you once I would not ask you to kill again, my love. I shall not go back on my promise, not one made to you.'

I felt it safer to leave it there than try to argue a case for a man who, as far as Riddle was concerned, should mean little to me. Ethel had assured me she could keep Black hidden, and if the price of keeping Lily Potter free of Riddle's clutches was that Sirius had to remain in hiding, it was one worth paying. It would leave Potter somewhat exposed at the Ministry, and he would not be able to continue in his previous capacity, but it was the safest option we had.

'I shall think about this, Severus,' he said, drawing close to me again, yet glancing across the room to where the Veritaserum buffer bubbled contentedly. 'Now, entertain me, my love,' he said, sending my guts roiling in the way he could so easily do, until I realised just what he meant. 'Tell me how we go about the business... Do I ingest any of the potion?' he asked, and I could almost feel the anticipation rising inside him. 'How will it be infused into the boy...our boy, my Severus?'

"Carefully, dear," Ethel's thought whispered lightly. "Say nothing you may regret or forget."

I said nothing at all for a moment, trying to marshal my thoughts from where something else seemed to try to intrude on them, and I shut it down, assuming that Riddle was trying to access my mind. It wouldn't be denied though, and it was only when I found my eyes drawn across to where the potion muttered away to itself that I noticed that 'Die Letztendliche Wahrheit?' was lying open once again.

'I have made some tentative notes, Tom,' I said cautiously, yet buoyed along by the encouraging little throb the white stone gave from where I had it clutched in my hand in my pocket. 'I thought it safest to make them in the book... to see if it would agree...' I confess I do not know to this day if the words were my own, or those of the book and the white stone, and if I was just their worldly pawn. Perhaps I always had been.

Riddle rose from my side, glancing once at me, his eyes alight with a seething mixture of madness and self-belief.

'Day one:' he read aloud, 'which shall be the forty-third day of the life of the chosen child: Equal parts of Aqua Vitae and water drawn from the non-tidal stretch of a tidal river, to be ingested within five minutes of being mixed, but not before the initial effervescence has died down and the mixture has turned inky-blue. Some physical discomfort is natural, quickening of the heart and visual distortion, but this will clear within a few minutes.'

Riddle lifted his eyes from the book, and I just hoped he didn't realise I was trying as hard as he was to memorise the words.

"Some things can't be forgotten, Severus," Ethel's thought whispered.

'It doesn't say how much,' Riddle said. 'Equal parts could be a gallon of each.'

'I am still working on the refinements, Tom,' I replied. 'I still have time.'

'Day two: which shall be the forty-fourth day of the life of the chosen child: Five parts of Aqua Vitae to four parts of water drawn from the non-tidal stretch of a tidal river, to be ingested as day one.

'Day four: which shall be the forty-sixth day of the life of the chosen child: It is of vital importance that none of the potion is ingested on day four.' He paused again. 'Why do I stop at day four?' he asked.

'The potion is difficult to tolerate, Tom,' I replied, feeling a bit more confident. 'It is best to take breaks so as not to become dependent on it.' I omitted to add that even by day four he would find it well-nigh impossible to refrain from taking the Veritaserum buffer, not that he was going to take it.

He began reading again, and I thought it odd that he didn't see fit to question me further.

'Day five: which shall be the forty-seventh day of the life of the chosen child: Begin again as day one, two and three, until once again abstaining from the potion on day eight.'

He didn't sigh, or become bored, or even have to stifle any impatience as he read on until: 'Day twelve: which shall be the fifty-third day of the life of the chosen child. The chosen child will be weaned. The potioneer will prepare a fresh batch of Aqua Vitae, which must be prepared solely for the chosen child, and must be fed to him by the recipient from a stag-horn spoon of a stag slain solely for the purpose, and must be within nine hours of the preparation of the potion. At this point the recipient must cease taking the potion completely for one year.'

The list of instructions went on and on, and at last I felt him fretting, anxious to get to the end to where he believed his prize was firmly within his grasp.

'The fifteenth birthday of the chosen child...' and it was there that the writing stopped.

He looked up at me as though he were a child who had just had a favourite toy snatched from his grasp.

'I... I can't rush this, Tom,' I stammered. Of course, I hadn't known any more than he had that the instructions would just judder to such a halt. 'I have to have time to think, and assess things, and...'

'My Severus,' he said, drawing close to me in a way I didn't like one bit. 'My love... I had no idea you had done so much.' He looked back to the book, to where it had snapped shut. 'Not that I doubted you, of course, my own true love. But that you have done this for your Tom...' His voice actually throbbed with some mad emotion. 'I have but one request, my true love,' he said, 'aside from completing your work here, of course.'

'And what would that be?' I asked, desperate now to end the meeting. I had been in his presence for far too long, and I needed to take stock.

'That you find another worthy child, my love, and that you help me to brew more of the potion, and that you join me too,' he said, as though bestowing some unimaginable gift upon me, 'forever.'

I knew the time had come for me to seem to indulge him, just as I knew that Ethel watched over me, and that Lucretia and Narcissa would make an entrance at a time Ethel deemed convenient to me and not to Tom Riddle. As he drew his hand across my cheek I hoped it would be very soon.

*****