Chapter One

I had only gone to the manor that night to see her, that night of nights that changed my life forever, from following an aimless course to racing down a road to damnation of my own making. I had only set aside my distaste for everything Black and Malfoy for her, only resolved to untie my tongue as I had tried to do for so long, because that night was the night I had decided to try to make her mine. And I went not without hopes; I knew at least that much. We had always been friends, more than friends, more kindred spirits if such a fanciful state should exist. I was barely twenty-three, and she twenty-eight, but age difference apart, only five years after all was said and done, we were the same.

'Ah, Severus,' Lucius said, smiling his blandly insincere smile, the disinterested one, as he held out his hand, and I wondered for a ridiculous moment whether I should kiss it or shake it, although neither option really appealed more than the other. His silver-blond hair gleamed in the light from the vast candled chandelier above his head, and if I had not picked the spot, I would have assumed him to have stood there to show himself off, this Adonis of the Malfoy line, this epitome of purebred folly. His pale grey eyes flitted to the door and then back to me. They were as devoid of colour as his hair, and indeed his skin, as though the enthusiastic washing of the Malfoy blood had not only purged the impurities and humanity from him, but the colour too.

'Lucius.' I took the offered hand, resisting the urge to squeeze hard, if only to deny him the chance to show that he was in any way human.

'So glad you could come,' he said, looking over my shoulder, losing interest already as someone more worthy, or perhaps I should say to his mind more wealthy, crossed into the hallowed hallway of Malfoy Manor. And yet he had taken the trouble to come to where I was, broken away from where his father and some of his cronies stood in an expensive cluster of fascinating men and dazzling women, displayed at the bottom of the grand staircase for those not of their inner circle to envy. I was puzzled that Lucius had made that small effort to welcome me, and wondered why.

He let the limp, somewhat clammy hand drop from mine, and I stifled the impulse to wipe my palm on my trouser leg, as I'm sure he did too, but for different reason. It occurred to me only absently that Lucius was nervous, as I watched him move back to Abraxas. He and Abraxas shared a couple of hurried words, apart from the others who stood with them, and then Lucius nodded to the door. I looked behind me, and my heart stopped for a moment as I watched the group of Blacks cross the vast wood-panelled reception hall, with its vaulted ceiling and minstrels' gallery, to be greeted by their hosts, and portraits of generations of weak-chinned, white-blond Malfoys sneering down their aristocratic noses. Sirius, Regulus, Bellatrix, and even young Narcissa, barely eighteen years old, had arrived. It had been whispered that the Blacks had done a deal with the Malfoys, and that the families would shortly announce the betrothal of Lucius and Narcissa: a powerful dangerous match if ever there were, this cementing of two of the most hysterically pure-blooded families to survive. Lucius always did like his flesh young and sweet, but I suspected he would find this little apple had a rancid core, and I was gratified by at least that much.

I watched Narcissa curtsey, first to Abraxas and then to Lucius, a pretty little dip of her knees, just enough to rustle the dark green taffeta she wore, a curtsey that conveyed with what looked like practiced ease that this slip of a girl was only going through the niceties of polite society, and that she bowed to no man. Another sham, another layer of good manners slapped onto noble bloodlines, making some pitiful attempt to conceal the seething inbred megalomania.

Narcissa turned to her sister, cold blue eyes glittering contempt and superiority; she smiled at her, a twist of her discontented pout, and nodded in my direction, and Bellatrix turned too. I looked away, confused and somehow embittered that they witnessed me watching them, angry with myself that they would see that watching as admiration or envy, or anything other than the disgust it was. I didn't want to see any more anyway; Andromeda wasn't with them. Perhaps she had decided that this night was not to her taste. I should have checked more closely when Lucius said all the Blacks were coming, before accepting his grudging invitation; I should have known that Andromeda would not be party to this façade of a social gathering, this thinly disguised political rally.

'Snape,' the cultured voice said from behind me, interrupting my reverie.

I didn't really need to turn to know it was Sirius Black; there are certain voices one never forgets: James Potter, Sirius Black, the vile snuffling Pettigrew, my father, each one able to unleash such a surge of hate within me that I can almost taste it. And yet I found myself disappointed in Sirius Black, let down that he had succumbed to the Dark Lord's preaching in a way that Potter had not. As I turned I saw that for the mistake it was; Sirius Black was not there to bend his knee to any man either.

'What do you want, Black?' I asked.

He put his hand on my arm, and I was surprised that I didn't feel the revulsion I had felt at Lucius's touch a few minutes before; nevertheless, I pulled away. 'What do you want?' I repeated.

'I have a message for you,' Black replied, just as a hush dropped over the reception hall, and the tinkling false laughter and phony guffaws died to nothing but a few nervous coughs, and a sigh of reverence swept the hall like a mass genuflection. Only Black seemed as indifferent as I was to Tom Riddle's arrival, and I reluctantly admitted to myself that I admired at least that in him, if only for the fact that I didn't feel quite so alone.

'A message from whom?' I asked, hoping I hadn't dropped too much of the hostility from my voice, as the buzz of conversation picked up again, and Riddle was swept away by Abraxas.

'From Andromeda,' Sirius replied. 'Look, Snape, is there anywhere here we won't be overheard?'

'I doubt it,' I muttered. 'The walls, as they say, have ears; only, in this case, I suspect that is literally true. Just give me the message, Black.' I wanted to be alone so I could savour the swell of hope that had risen within me.

Black looked around again, and I took the time to take stock of him in a detached way, detached from the hate I had borne him for so long. He was a handsome man, even to my disinterested way of seeing things. He was dressed in a long ruby-coloured velvet smoking jacket with satin lapels, a white silk and lace ruffled shirt below it, and a red cravat tucked with artful carelessness into the open neck. He was a picture of sartorial decadence, and I wondered at his less formal attire when everyone else was in dinner dress. Even I had taken no small effort that evening, although my motives for such had been entirely selfish. I, too, sought to impress, but not Tom Riddle. Black had left his long brown wavy hair loose so that it hung over his shoulders, to appear even more casual, I supposed. I caught his clear greyish-blue eyes, and his strong classical features, with the small beard and moustache which did nothing to belie what I realised for the first time was true. The whispered rumours to which I had paid no attention were based on fact, the reason why this most eligible of wizarding bachelors, Lucius Malfoy aside, was never seen with a glittering woman on his arm. Sirius Black was homosexual. To the new order's way of thinking, that was an atrocity equal to Muggle blood, unless, of course, you happened to be Tom Riddle, or one of his favourites. We lived in dangerous times; no wonder Black had seen fit to hide the fact.

'You and Andromeda are friends, Snape, aren't you?' he said. 'I mean she looked after you when you first went to Hogwarts, kept you away from Lucius, didn't she?'

Yes, Andromeda had protected me. She had been in her fifth year when I got to Hogwarts, the year above Lucius, and she had watched out for me so well that I managed to get to my third year before Lucius and his cronies introduced me to the age old art of buggery. She had been the only Slytherin with whom I had identified, and I could never understand what had been in it for her, not until I had found out quite by accident that fifth-year girls who aspired to become head girl, had to demonstrate their worthiness by looking after those who were less than able to look after themselves. At first I'd felt oddly betrayed by her, as though her friendship had had a price tag, and yet she had continued it, long after it became apparent that she would no sooner be head girl that I would. I'd looked back then, wondering what I had been when I first arrived at Hogwarts: a substandard specimen, perhaps, or a frightened little mouse who bristled with hostility in some vain attempt at self-preservation.

Of course, I had been both of these things; I had arrived at Hogwarts with 'target' emblazoned on my forehead and 'martyr' stamped on my heart. No words of encouragement had been called to me as the Hogwarts Express rolled away from Kings Cross that first day, no mother waved the handkerchief which had wiped away her tears of proud joy, just the slammed front door of the house my parents had lived in in Spinner's End before they had shuffled off their miserable mortal coils and left it to me, quite probably out of spite, and my father's words, 'good riddance to bad rubbish; don't bother coming back for the holidays', echoing in my terrified wake.

I had taken the train from Newcastle to Kings Cross, and I suspect it was then that I had begun to realise just what it felt like to be an outcast, and though the admission is a tortuous one, I also know that, even that early, in some twisted way I encouraged it, welcomed it as though it were something of my own, something I had achieved on my own merits. I was different, different from the other people on that train, in fact on both trains, in their comfortable clothes with their well-fed faces and their silly smiles, and I resolved to stay that way.

I remember the first time I saw Hogwarts. I had never seen or imagined anything so beautiful as we crossed that vast dark lake: candlelight dancing in what seemed to be a million tiny windows; the ancient stone crenulated terraces, broken here and there by age and harsh weather; and the towering spires, jostling with one another as though they were each one trying to see which would be first to reach the starry night-time sky. I knew I would never see anything more breathtaking again in my life ... until I saw Andromeda Black.

Of course, I was only a child, barely eleven, and the youngest and smallest of my year, and to me, then as indeed now, Andromeda was a goddess in human form, an unearthly being who radiated love and peace and all the kindnesses I had never known. For three precious years she was there for me in a way that no other living soul had ever been, and then she had left, and then my life became a living nightmare, thanks in no small measure to the man who now stood beside me.

'Get on with it, Black,' I said, not at all sure where he was leading me.

'She's coming here tonight to see you. She told me to tell you that,' he said, raising a glass to his lips. 'Give her a fair hearing, Snape. That's all I'm asking.'

'Why should I do otherwise?' I replied. 'She is, as you say, my friend.'

Black turned to look around the hall again. The crowd was thinning slightly towards great gothic pile's banqueting room, to where the Malfoys would display their vulgar excesses, mistaking them as always for good taste.

'I'm only saying give her a chance, Severus,' he said. 'I know what you can be like ... dismissing people without giving them the chance to explain themselves, always assuming the insult, always expecting the worst of people.'

'Quite,' I replied, wanting to be rid of him, to take stock of what delicious hints he had dropped my way. 'In that way I find I am seldom disappointed.'

'Fuck you, Snape,' he said, reverting to his more accustomed address and way of speaking to me. 'You're one intractable bastard, and if it weren't for Andromeda I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. By the way, while we're talking about my cousins, I'd beware of being in a confined space with Bellatrix if I were you; she seems quite taken with you. It's not only Andromeda who has marriage on her mind.'

He was about to move off as my spirits soared yet again, only to be doused a moment later by my host.

'Well, well, Sirius,' Lucius said, after giving me little more than a cursory look, as though reminding himself who I was. 'I confess I am surprised that you are here. I hadn't wanted to say as much in front of the ladies.'

'Don't flatter yourself, Lucius,' Black returned coolly. 'Reggie and I have come to escort our cousins, not for the cabaret.' He nodded to the door behind which Abraxas and Riddle had disappeared.

'You would do well to watch that smart mouth of yours, Black,' Lucius replied. 'Who knows when it will get you into trouble?'

'Trouble?' Black snorted. 'I've been in trouble before. I'm quite good at it.'

Lucius drew me another brief glance and then looked back to Sirius. 'Just be careful, Black, or I may have to let certain people know certain things about you.' Lucius looked at me yet again, as though trying to work something out. 'By the way, Severus,' he said, 'Tom has asked that you join him alone for brandy after dinner.'

I could see that discomfited Lucius; I could also see why he kept drawing me what I now recognised as speculative looks, whilst hinting at Black's sexuality. One of few things Lucius excelled at was adding two and two and coming to anything but four. I sincerely hoped Tom Riddle hadn't drawn the same conclusion about my predilections as Lucius seemed to have, and wondered what else he wanted to see me for.

'Did you want something in particular, Lucius?' Black asked. 'Or have you come to show us that you have managed to pick up what you think might pass for social graces?'

I wondered why Black was being so openly hostile, what point there was to it. I knew Lucius to be ignorant and arrogant, but had to confess that they weren't Black's failings.

'Us?' Lucius repeated suggestively, raising his eyebrow in his insufferably snobbish way, and giving me what I can only assume he took for a knowing look. 'I hadn't realised. I'll just leave you two alone then, shall I? My, my, Bellatrix will be disappointed, if I'm reading things correctly.'

'You can't read at all, Lucius, if I recall,' I replied, quite anxious now to extricate myself from what had become a ridiculous conclusion on Lucius's part, and to distance myself from Black. 'If you two ... gentlemen, will excuse me,' I said, with as insulting a pause as I dared, 'I'd like to speak to Rosier.' I walked away, unsure if Evan Rosier had even been invited, just as the dinner gong was beaten by an over enthusiastic house-elf. Not that dinner or Rosier mattered, not that anything mattered ... Andromeda Black had arrived.

I didn't notice how Sirius managed to detach himself from Lucius; quite probably he just moved from his side and allowed Lucius to go about his favourite pastime, that of talking to himself, no one else really being of the predisposition to listen for long if any other option were available. As I was about to move forward, Andromeda was engulfed on all sides by Blacks. Narcissa and Bellatrix, both of whom kissed her cheek and moved away as quickly as they had joined her and, although I didn't really think about it then, it was as if they were trying to stay apart from her.

Bellatrix was often compared in looks to Andromeda, but apart from the raven black hair, I could never fathom out why. Narcissa and Bella didn't even appear to be the same species as their sister, their hard blue eyes really unworthy of being called the same colour as her iridescent blue, their pale skin a poor shade of her glowing porcelain. Regulus was next to leave her side, and it was only when Andromeda began to cross the hall that I realised three things: she wasn't alone, not that that concerned me, one such as she would not be expected to travel alone; Sirius was the only one of the Blacks who seemed easy in her company; and I was still rooted to the spot I had occupied since she had arrived.

And then they were crossing the space between us, and it was all I could do to contain myself, all I could do not to cross the space too and take her in my arms.

'Severus,' she said in that throaty breathless way she had of stopping my heart. She held each of my hands in each of hers and kissed me first on one cheek and then the other, as I tried not to drown in her scent, a scent like wild roses on a summer breeze after the rain has fallen.

Some part of me spared a tiny bit of attention for Sirius, who stood at her side with the man who had accompanied her, and I wondered at the concerned look that crossed his face, just for a second, and then we were five. Lucius had decided to gatecrash the proceedings.

'Andromeda,' Lucius said, and gave what seemed like a pause for a second, as he glanced to the man at Sirius's side, '... and ... well, well. Come now, the elves have the seating plan. Dinner is about to be served.'

'Only Lucius could deliver such a welcome,' Andromeda murmured as Lucius stalked off, presumably expecting us to be hurrying in his wake, and I wondered why she addressed Sirius and not me.

'You're sitting with us, Andromeda,' Sirius replied. 'I've already checked. Don't worry, I'll sit between you and Bella, and that'll save you stabbing her with your fork and getting your dress messed up.' He looked to me, and the frown crossed his face again. 'It seems Severus is higher up the pecking order than us Blacks,' he said. 'Tom Riddle's right hand, Severus. The only good thing about that is how put out Lucius will be.'

I wondered if Lucius had told him the seating arrangements, or if he had checked them out himself; either way, I hadn't known myself and wondered what it meant. 'I can live with that knowledge,' I said, turning to Andromeda. I just wanted to be alone with her now, but that wasn't going to happen; she had already begun to move off towards the banqueting hall.

'Severus,' she said, over a shoulder clad in hand-knotted Pixie lace. 'Can we speak after dinner? ... In private.'

'Of course,' I replied, not at all sure where I found my voice. 'We could leave here now if you like. I seem to have lost my appetite anyway.'

I should have noticed Sirius's frown again, and Andromeda's oddly quizzical look, but I didn't. Andromeda wanted to speak to me alone, and that was all that mattered to me, fool that I was.

*****