Wounding

Hermione watched Severus as he ate his sandwich. She was leaning on her left hand, propped up by her elbow. She had been pleasantly surprised when she had found Severus sleeping next to her. She continued to be amazed by how comfortable she felt with him. However, that was the trouble. She couldn't rid herself of the nagging worry that it wasn't real ... it seemed calculated.

"Hermione?" his voice rumbled. "You're staring."

"Sorry," she whispered.

"Anything you wish to tell me?" he asked as he placed his sandwich down.

"I was just so surprised when I found you next to me. Comfortable, sweet... Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Haven't I been nice to you all along?"

"No," she replied as she began to pick up the dirty dishes off the table.

"First, you were scheming, then you were pleading, but now...now it's like you are trying to prove something to me. How do I know you are not a liar and just want to see how far you can get with me?"

Severus narrowed his eyes. "Is that what you truly believe?"

Hermione walked close to him, towering over him as she whispered, "I will never forget what you did to me."

Severus' face was frozen. He folded his hands in his lap and said, "I realize that, Hermione. I am not asking you to."

She watched his face, the pale skin, the sharp features, and lanky hair. "So what do you want from me?" she demanded. "What could you possibly think I could give you?"

He stood up so that he now towered over her. He gathered her in his arms, enveloping her. Her hands were pressed against his sweater, and he was so close she could smell his unique scent, sharp and clean. When she looked up at his face, his mouth pressed gently down on hers, and he kissed her softly and cautiously. His grip on her was strong, but his lips were tender and giving. He drew a ragged breath, and she could feel him inhaling the scent from her hair.

She wanted to speak, to say something, but she couldn't. She just looked at him, confused, and he lowered his mouth again onto hers, kissing her languidly with purpose. He slowly released her and said, "I love you, Hermione."

She nodded dumbly as she sat down, weak-kneed and confused. She shook her head with her brows furrowed and rose slowly. She forced herself to stand, her thoughts awhirl and her emotions conflicted, as she walked to her favorite chair. She tucked her feet under her and covered herself with the blanket. She was facing away from Severus, but she knew he was there, somewhere, behind her.

"What were you thinking when you raped me?" It was something she'd wanted the answer to for years, wondered about, and yet dreaded the answer. It pained her to say the words, but she needed to know.

She cringed when she heard the pained voice from across the room.

"Do you actually want to know this?" he snapped. "Will it give a shred of insight into who I am? Or are you wanting to slum around the mind of someone you used to know?"

He came to her side and looked down at her. She turned her head to him, staring at his buttons, unable to meet his eyes. "I can't share that with you. It will only make you want to know more about the morbidity of my mind. I can say that it destroyed me, and all my despicable, crazed dreams that I had are long dead...died that day, in fact. You have carried enough pain. Please, don't force me to burden you with this. It will not help you knowing, and I think this should be my load to bear. You told me I owed you. I do owe you so much...b-but this won't help..."

She turned her face sharply to his, surprised to see that his eyes were full of tears. "...You don't owe me anything," she interrupted, gripping the arms of the chair tightly, ready to spring, but remaining seated. "Would you please leave me? I-I can't do this right now."

"You don't have to do anything!" Severus hissed at her. "Do you think I secretly wanted it to be you?"

Hermione clenched her arms around her legs, holding them desperately to her chest. "No! I just want to find some connection. Could we have thought the same things? Did it even once cross your mind, even for a moment, that I was her?"

"Do you actually think we can change what occurred that night?" Severus ran his hands through his hair and paced back and forth. "Do you want to turn this into something romantic? Don't be pathetic! It was... it was...defilement."

Hermione stood to walk over and stand up to him. She raised her head and hissed, "Don't you ever call me pathetic. I know who you have been, and I know your deeds. But this Severus Snape is not one with which I am familiar."

He towered over her, sneering, "And you actually believe that you will discover all that you are looking for in those short minutes? Do you need for me to say that the act I committed revealed every horrific part of the wizard I once was? Truly, can knowing that be the key to making everything make sense?"

They stood in awkward silence until Severus' eyes glittered and he asked, "That one moment when I was close to you in a way you have never experienced before or since; you need it to mean something? Otherwise, everything would have been for nothing?"

A penetrating stare and a sly smile spread over his face. "Do you wish I had known it was you? Do you need to think that I knew... that I couldn't bring myself to finish because it was you? Do you want me to tell you that even as wretched a bastard as I was, that I couldn't finish because I thought it was you?"

Hermione backed away and her eyes refused to meet him. "I have to think about all of this, Severus. Everything has changed."

"Why?" he demanded.

"Fine!" she shouted. "Was I just one of many, Severus? How many women did you rape? Is that how you like it? I mean, just as long as she's not a virgin?"

She raised her arms in mock sacrifice. "Is this your game? You've broken me in, and you know there hasn't been anyone else. I've given birth to your child. So, are you my friend to gain my trust and tell me you love me, get me all relaxed and compliant so you can hurt me again? You see, I just can't figure you out, Snape. Is it the fact you got a baby out of your screaming virgin that turns on your possessive side? Or is it that because I am no longer a delicate flower, you can get me in your bed and finally get all the rutting you want out of me with no distractions or guilt because the first time, you didn't get a proper 'happing ending?'"

Severus stood pale as his eyes slowly began to deaden. Hermione knew she'd gone to far, and immediately regret and pain washed over her.

"You have cut me, Miss Granger," he intoned deeply. "Touché. I'm no violator of women. I've never raped anyone before or since. If your intention was to make me question the deepest parts of my sordid mind, bravo. You have made every gesture of kindness, each touch, each kiss... even the innocence of our sleep on your bed seem false and dirty. Perhaps that is all I shall ever be. You would not be the first woman to reject me outright in the face of the gift of my pride."

She felt a stab at his words, a dagger into her chest. How she regretted her words!

"Just so you realize," he continued as he packed his things and started to leave, "and don't feel misled, I shall answer your question. I conjured every erotic thought I held for the first witch I loved. I had hoped to marry her. Even after her death, I could not shake her memory. My heart was still wrapped in her cold, dead hands. I imagined her alive and wanting me, so I blocked you out...whoever you were. I really didn't care to know at the time. However, since I was not a man disposed towards violating women, even the thoughts of her, my first love, could not make me what I had never been, nor what I believed I could ever be. Perhaps I was mistaken, and the true man I am is a debaucher. I've never entertained the thought until now. However, don't worry, Hermione. Your virtue was never at risk."

Hermione watched him walk down the stairs and out the front door. She locked the door of the shop behind him and turned to go upstairs. Her eyes fell on the large picture of Diana, La Chasseresse. She covered her face as she cried.

***

A month had passed since Severus had last seen Hermione. He started to seek out his daughter and talk with her. She was a very curious child. She seemed to highly enjoy his attentions and chattered constantly about everything under the sun during their walks together. One day in late February, they went into the Forbidden Forest, but only the area he was allowed by the centaurs.

Alice pounced upon a fallen tree and carefully walked it with her arms outstretched, careful to keep her balance. Her winter coat hung on her thin frame like a bell, going back and forth, and she teetered then tottered her way across. Not that she was in any danger; Severus was always within a whisper's breath to catch her if she might fall. It never ceased to amaze him how accepting she was of his company. He thought there might have been all sorts of questions to sate her mind. However, she took it as great fun and acted in a manner oddly resembling her adopted mother.

She finished the length of the tree and jumped back down. "Mum and Dad told me that in just TWO years, I'm going to be a first-year! I can't wait until I get a wand. You know, I take my daddy's wand and do magic with it sometimes," she confided in him.

He listened as she nattered on about her little stories, and her crush on her Uncle Harry. He quirked an eyebrow.

"You think your Uncle Harry is handsome?" he asked.

She blushed, so much like her mother, and said, "He has such beautiful eyes, and he's nice to me, too. I figure he can do anything!"

"Hmm," he replied.

"I didn't realize girls of nine thought about love," he mused.

"Nine and a half!" she corrected him, then lowered her voice as she pleaded, "Please don't tell my Uncle Harry. I would die if I knew that he knew!"

"Your secret is safe with me," he promised, carefully hiding his revulsion at her pronouncement.

"Come down!" she commanded imperiously.

He lowered his hooded eyes, scrutinizing her with a scowl. "Have you forgotten your manners, young lady, or are you just normally this rude?" he asked dryly.

"Please?"

"That's better." He bent down so they could look eye-to-eye.

Alice took some of her long, curly hair and some of his and then put them together. "Our hair color is the same!" she squealed. "I think that must be special."

"Ah. I think I could agree with that statement," he declared.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed tightly. "You know," she said as she pulled back enough to look at him. "No one calls me young lady but you, sir."

"Really?" he asked as he looked into her dark, brown eyes. "Then I think that is special."

He watched in fascination as she fixed her eyes on a tree. She jumped away from Severus and hastily climbed to the ledge that suited her for sitting and allowed her legs to dangle from the bough. His mouth twitched almost into a smile as she looked down at him proudly. Oh, she was Hermione Granger's daughter all right! Not only did she firmly set her mind on a task with deliberation, the task itself was a feat. Then, when she knew she'd done it (and done very well) a smile of smug satisfaction was blatant on her face. Cheeky girl! She expects a 'well done' and a pat on the head!

Her voice rang out in the silvery air. "You can call me Lady Alice, and I can call you Lord Snape!" she declared. "I always wanted to be a princess...oh! You can call me Princess Alice and I can call you Prince Snape! You just must have a special name of your own!"

"Ah, but there is no nobility in our world!" he corrected her.

"Catch me!" she shouted as she jumped from the tree.

He caught her deftly and frowned. "You didn't say please," he reminded her. "If you want to be a lady, or a princess, you have to remember your manners."

"Yes, sir," she said as she hugged him. "We've had so much fun these weeks. Do you want to meet my dolls? My favorite doll is named Charlotte. I think you two should be introduced."

"Now that, my lady, is a brilliant idea. Introductions! Every young lady should practice her introductions. And who better to practice with than the most sour, old wizard in the world?"

She laughed as she threw her head back. "May I call you Prince Severus, please?"

"No," he said with a small smile.

"What should I call you? I don't like calling you sir and Professor all the time. If we're going to be friends, we have to have special names!"

Severus' heart was breaking. He wanted to tell her to call him 'Daddy,' not Longbottom!

"Fine, Princess Alice, but Prince Severus? That is much too familiar. You must never say it in front of others!" he warned her as he carried her back inside.

"Okay, Prince Severus," she whispered in his ear as Severus carried her to her room, awaiting his formal introduction to his daughter's favorite doll, Charlotte. Inside his chest, Severus was near to bursting with love for this little girl who had him wrapped around her finger. An introduction to a doll would have been laughable in the past, but he couldn't think of anything more important to do with his time or a grander acquaintance he'd be more pleased to meet. Actually, Severus Snape would rather be put out to think of anything more delightful than being the center of his little Alice's attention.

***

Oh, dear. This has gone wrong. At least Severus is determined to have his own relationship with Alice. Hermione is obviously still too wounded. Please review!