Safe

As Severus sat with Hermione at her favorite bistro, he listened with rapt attention to her story about how she had achieved finding the elusive herb.

"I absolutely adored Kiev. Of course, my time there was limited since my purpose was to locate the herb; however, I met this wonderful older couple who lived in the countryside at their Dacha. It was just lovely, open-air and soft breezes came through this tiny house. They had their own garden with raspberries and blackberries. You could just walk along and pick them off the stems and pop them in your mouth. Babka, the grandmother, she was incredible. She didn't speak a lot of English, but her granddaughter did and helped translate. Babka told me the most incredible stories about Grindelwald's War. She had spent a year on the run because she was a Muggle-born. Her husband, we just called him Dedushka, was a pure-blood and refused to leave her. At one point, she was captured when her husband was away, trying to find food. She said they spent two years trying to find each other. She was such a strong woman. She told me she could see herself in my eyes. She said, 'There will come a time when the seed will sprout.' I was confused; I didn't know what she was trying to tell me. Her granddaughter said it was an Old Russian saying, 'Do not trouble yourself about future problems and difficulties, but wait till you have to deal with them.'

"She was a strong woman, who had gnarled hands and skin like leather. But her eyes were bright and focused. She told me I had to stop fearing so much, that my fear was potent...she could smell it...I wore it like a fragrance. They led me to the Ievshan-zillia. I spent two weeks there, just learning about the magical and non-magical plants, roots and herbs there. It was fascinating! Then in the evenings, I would sit in the candlelight and talk with Babka."

Severus remained quiet as she spoke. When she fell silent, he said, "She sounds as if she became an important person to you."

"Oh, yes," Hermione agreed. "She told me that she knew from my eyes that I survived something and that I never broke. She told me that so many lose heart and die inside long before their husks. She said that I had started well, but I had begun a detour that would hurt me if I did not allow myself to live."

Severus stared at his glass of beer. "I knew something important had happened to you while you were gone," he whispered. "You were happy and had a spark in your eyes that frankly, I hadn't seen there before."

He looked at Hermione. She was so relaxed and comfortable in this setting. Her face was clean and fresh with no make-up, and she wore casual clothes, but to him, she was just herself, and she was... perfect.

"Do you know this is the first time since I started the shop on the main boulevard that I haven't been dressed to the nines and looked just so?"

"And how does that make you feel?"

"It's not as scary as I once thought. I think I had forgotten who Hermione Granger was and instead focused on who 'The Huntress' could and should be."

She took a drink of her coke and continued, "Don't get me wrong! I love Philippe...he really rescued and saved me from myself. Now, there is nothing to run from! The worst thoughts I had were your finding me out and learning about Alice. But now, there are no more secrets, except what we'll have to tell her."

The corners of her smiling face fell, and sadness came over her. But then she shook her head and smiled again. "So, tell me all about the Symposium. Who hated me the most?"

Severus raised his glass and said, "I think that would have been Monsieur Roudett, from Beauxbatons Acadamie," he said with an evil smile before swallowing the last of his beer.

"Interesting," replied Hermione.

"Actually, all of the French in attendance were up in arms, except my own Potions master. He has a more open mind towards young people trying to succeed into their chosen field. However, the lack of an apprenticeship, no credentials in Potion making, coupled with the fact that you are now rivaling some of the oldest names in your business in Paris...it caused quite a stir."

"Did they ask you if you knew me?" she asked quietly.

"Oh, yes, of course. They knew you were English, so they figured you had been a student of mine. I told them I didn't know you...I was reluctant to get in the middle of their blustering and carrying on...and I was right to remain silent. They all had an opinion on everything from your age to your last name."

Hermione laughed. "You loved it, didn't you?" she asked.

"Oh, yes, I did!" he said with a smirk. "But then, not a second later, they were talking about your physical appearance with amazing clarity. You were the loveliest woman on the continent from how they described you. And I think, Hermione, if you had tried to beat them at their game by being anything other than totally feminine, they would have skewered you. I had a difficult time reconciling the young student of mine with the ravishing beauty described to me."

"Was I at least described correctly?" she asked wryly.

"Not even close," he replied.

Hermione looked crestfallen, and she lowered her eyes from him.

"You are more beautiful than I had imagined."

"Severus, you are going to turn my head with all these compliments!" she chastised him.

"Perhaps I should temper it with some of my more scathing remarks, laced with sarcasm and derision?" he asked.

"I suppose I am so used to just being 'Acceptable' in your eyes that I am finding it hard to believe this is truly you and not some Polyjuiced wizard," she confessed.

He laughed softly, and Hermione smiled. "I am glad you chose to be so patient with me," she said. "I appreciate it."

"Is it time for me to escort you home and say, "Good night?" His voice was low and husky.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm tired from all this emotional drama."

"Well, it was your first date since...?" he asked.

"Ever," she admitted.

"What?" he asked, not believing what he had heard.

Hermione made a slight shrug with her shoulders and said, "I have never been on a date in my life. Oh, I know, I went to the Yule Ball with Viktor Krum in my fourth year but I was just a girl, and we never left the school. I've never been 'taken out' by a man and officially dated. There was a man when I was studying in Australia and New Zealand. He was my teacher, mentor ... friend. Then came the day he wanted to become more, and I went spare," she admitted.

"What happened?"

"He couldn't believe that a woman would give away her child. He was the type of wizard who sees the world in black or white. There are some things you don't do...ever. That was one of those things."

"Bastard," he muttered.

"Umm," Hermione replied, keeping her face steady. "That's what he said about you."

Severus looked at Hermione and found he was without words. "I suppose we should leave now?"

They walked back to the shop, and Hermione shook his hand. "I had a good time. I think things went well for a first date."

"Would you care for another?" he asked.

"All right," she answered.

***

The fall passed into winter, and business was quite slow. January came, and Hermione couldn't believe how much time she had spent with Severus. He told her all of the little tricks and funny things Alice said and did. She wrote to Alice herself and asked for a picture. She was excited to receive a lovely picture of a lovely little Hermione, just with black curly hair, not at all bushy, and darker, brown eyes, yet just as large. The dimple was there as well, and Hermione looked at the picture for hours at a time, drinking in her face, remembering her birth and the day she let her go.

Hermione and Severus had grown closer over the next few months. Next thing she knew it was the anniversary of their daughter's conception, that three-day period which Hermione had always spent alone, or with Thérèse, crying and mourning the loss of her innocence. On Severus' birthday, Hermione decided to answer the questions he had waited for so long. Severus had asked her many times as they sat over a cup of tea about her pregnancy and Alice Hermione's birth. She had always said she wasn't ready. Now, Hermione realized she was.

Severus was bringing his own pallet, and Thérèse had been so happy that Hermione and Severus were going to spend the three days alone together that she kissed and hugged her as she squealed in delight. Hermione laughed at her assistant's exuberance.

"You know what this will mean, yes?" she asked her mistress.

Hermione was unsure. "I know that our relationship will change forever. We shall grow closer emotionally and hopefully, the trust that has started will strengthen..."

"Miss Granger," Thérèse said. "You could end up falling in love! He loves you...he tells you all the time, yes?"

"Well, yes..." Hermione answered thoughtfully.

"It could a romantic time for you both," she cooed.

"I will not have sex on the anniversary of my rape!" Hermione shrieked. "That's disgusting and filthy...I-I"

"Please," Thérèse scoffed. "To have romance doesn't mean making love. It could be two people in love holding hands and looking into the other's eyes, seeing what is there inside. It could be holding one another as you cry over your losses. Opening your heart finally to him and letting him inside there...not your body."

Hermione calmed down. "Yes, well... you will be all right?" she asked her.

"Yes, Madame. Louis and I will be making our own romance," she said with a wink.

Hermione turned and went upstairs. She was nervous, not in a way that made her feel threatened but a tension in her stomach that she had never felt before. Her heart was racing, her pulse was quickening, and she felt all warm and tingly inside. It was all because Severus was arriving soon.

***

Later that evening, Severus and Hermione sat in front of the fire, talking about nothing in particular, when he asked abruptly, "Will you tell me, Hermione? Will you tell me all that happened those days?"

Hermione took a deep breath and jumped a little when Severus tentatively brushed her fingers with his own. He snatched his hand away before she could explain. She liked the way his gentleness felt on her skin. She had only been caught off-guard. His scowl made it apparent that he was berating himself for touching her. She cleared her throat and said, "I fought so hard that day, and when I saw you, I wanted to run far away, but everyone was so happy to see me that I just let them care for me and hid away in Gryffindor Tower. I noticed many things; my body was changing, and I was getting sick. Luna was actually the one who pointed out that I was pregnant; she said she could feel it in my 'aura,' and there was something different about me."

She stopped and looked at Severus and asked, "Did you ever think something was strange about my appearance after classes started after the war?"

Severus cleared his throat as well. "I had noticed what every other male at Hogwarts thought: that you had made a final growth spurt into womanhood. I admit I found you quite lovely. However, I was your teacher and refused to entertain inappropriate thoughts," he replied uncomfortably. "Nonetheless, I did notice a change in temperament. You were sad, so sad, but I couldn't place my finger on it. There were no tears, no upsetting outbursts of emotions. It was as if you had resigned yourself to something. Your speech at the Leaving Ceremony had been odd, but then you were gone, and I just slowly let you slip away from my mind. I was too focused on finding the girl I had hurt."

***

They turned as if to meet the other face to face, and Severus ached to take both her hands into his own. "What did you think when you saw I was the wizard who... who was the one... forcing himself on you, the one who hurt you so horribly," he asked, staring at his hands as if afraid to make eye contact. He couldn't bear to look at her face.

"I was horrified and shocked. That is all I can remember," she whispered as she kept her head down. "The pain was too much for me to think of anything else."

Severus forced himself to lean closer to her. Although their bodies did not touch, he could feel her tension flowing from her in waves. He kissed the top of her head gently and said, "I am truly sorry for what I did to you."

She looked up at him, and she felt tears falling from her eyes. "It was hard being pregnant, knowing I had your baby inside of me. I knew it was a girl, and I stayed up in that attic, hiding, pretending that I didn't exist. It hurt," she whispered quietly. "I cried the whole time I was in labor. I never thought anything could hurt that much. I remember hearing her crying, but I wasn't given a chance to see her. She was taken away as I slept."

She felt so tired; she lay down on the floor and placed her head on Severus' leg. He stiffened, not knowing what to do. Finally, he decided to stroke her hair as she told him about the emptiness inside of her. "For years, I felt a hole that couldn't be filled. I was scared and ashamed of what I had done. Then the nightmares came. That was worse than giving birth."

"Nightmares?" Severus asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," she whispered. "I'm tired, I would like to sleep."

"Allow me," he offered as he lifted her up and laid her on her bed. He withdrew his arms from her as her arm glided up one of his.

"Will you hold me?" she pleaded weakly as she looked up to him. "Just for a while."

Without responding, Severus took off his shoes and got into bed. He spooned her against him and held her around her waist. He snapped his fingers, and a blanket covered the both of them. Soon, they were asleep.

***

Morning came, and Hermione felt more peaceful than she had in a long time. She felt a warm and strong body next to her and felt the hand that was resting against her stomach.

Severus.

She relaxed into his embrace and heard his murmur of satisfaction. They slept on until the sun shone in their face and forced them awake.

"I apologize, Hermione," he said slowly as he rose. "I didn't mean to take advantage. I fell asleep." Hermione analyzed his body language. There was confusion, shock, embarrassment, and guilt in each movement.

"It's all right, Severus," she whispered as she rose from the bed. "Actually... I haven't slept so well in ages."

***

Severus eyed Hermione as she rose from the bed. The shirt she had been wearing last night hadn't been so sheer in the firelight, but this morning, he could see the clear fullness of her bosom. He stayed in bed, waiting for his erection to go down. He continued to watch her, and he grew harder and harder. Finally, he excused himself to take a shower and took himself in hand.

"I'm so sorry, Hermione," he whispered to himself. He felt like an animal, wanking in her shower after all he had done to her. But he loved her! He wanted her. He wondered if they would make love during the next two days – if she'd allow him to touch her in any intimate manner, let alone what he really craved – to be inside her...

Again.

But that was the problem. The first time had been so horrible...it shouldn't even count...it was against everything he wanted to do! It was frustrating, but he knew that he had to show restraint – and it was killing him to do so.

It was his birthday, and Hermione cooked a wonderful breakfast for them. She served him up a plate and dashed into the bathroom to take her own shower. Severus groaned as he tucked into his eggs. He thought what she must look like under her clothes. She was older, far more curvaceous and soft. He wondered how he was going to survive the next two days without her noticing his desire for her?

***

Hermione was feeling desperate in a way she had never experienced. She felt cautiously between her legs and teased herself until she was gasping out an orgasm. She thought of Severus kissing her, kissing her breasts, and his mouth between her legs, licking her with long strokes and making her come with his tongue. She couldn't imagine wanting him inside her... but to kiss her and taste her would be wonderful. Afterwards, she washed and dressed. She felt light and free. It would be just her little secret; he never needed to know how much she was beginning to desire him.

***

Hermione entered the kitchen and hurried over to the sink to pour herself some of the coffee. When she turned to walk to the table to join him, she had a sly little smile as if she had a little secret, but Severus also saw the glow on her face and the lazy, sated look lingering in her eyes. He hid a smug smile from her as he drank his coffee, but he was positive she had thought of him, satisfying herself whilst fantasizing about them being together during her bath. That thought alone was a perfect birthday gift all in its own.

***

That evening, Hermione surprised him with a small cake for his birthday.

"Now don't get any ideas!" she teased him. "I bought this at the bakery. If I had made it, it would have been all lopsided."

"I don't mind lop-sided cake," he replied as he sneaked a look at her blushing face.

She pulled something out of her pocket. "I didn't know what to get you, so I got you a certificate to Flourish and Blotts. You can find a book you like, or special parchment and quills."

He watched her nervousness and was touched.

"Thank you, Hermione," he whispered as he reached for her hand and softly kissed her palm.

Hermione felt his desire radiate through her by the sheer contact of his lips on her soft skin. It was frightening, but it also was endearing, how caring and tender he treated her.

"You're welcome," she murmured as she withdrew her hand to begin cutting the cake.

Later, as they sat around the dirty plates, Hermione talked to him about the day she had spent alone in the dungeons of Avery Manor. She fiddled with her hair, her collar, and pulled at her fingers as she spoke.

"I was in a great deal of pain, and it was so cold and I was so hungry. I was scared about the brand on my back...I didn't have anything to treat it. I wanted badly to sit and wrap my arms around my legs, but I was so sore...down there...it hurt too much. I just cried a lot. I wanted Harry to find me. I was so scared I was going to die in that horrid place. No one was there, but I felt positive someone had been there once. I thought constantly about what you had done to me, and I couldn't believe you had ra...hurt me. I thought, 'Why didn't I tell him who I was? Why didn't I say anything to him?' over and over in my mind. I just lay on my side and tried to think of something else besides the pain. I was bleeding, and I thought perhaps I had been torn.

"When I came to Paris, I saw a Muggle doctor, and she told me that I had been torn in different places. She said some had healed properly, some had not. I had to have some of the flesh burned off so I could be stitched properly. So I figured that must have been from the rape. Severus, does this make you uncomfortable?" she asked quietly.

"Of course," he replied. "I don't know what to say...I wish it had never happened. I wish I hadn't been so angry...there are so many things I wish I could take back, but I can't."

Hermione reached across the table and touched his fingers with her own. "You know, Severus," she said, "I don't believe I would have ever thought of you being so open emotionally. I suppose being your student, I wouldn't have known that you could."

Severus smirked. "I am not an open person, Hermione. When I was a boy, I had a hard time putting my feelings into words. By the time I was able to verbalize my thoughts, all I cared about was expressing the angry ones. I kept my vulnerable feelings and thoughts locked away. I didn't want to be exposed and vulnerable ever again. The Dark Lord taught me that power and control was all that mattered; only weak people felt soft emotions, like love, for example, or compassion," he whispered. "However, there is a place inside me that remains gentle and loving. I want you to know this part of me."

His eyes searched out for hers, and she gave in. "I understand about all that. Philippe helped me to construct my own wall to keep people out. No one was ever allowed to come inside until now." She pulled her hand back. "I need to sleep," she said abruptly. "I know I must be a bore, but I sleep a great deal during these days. You can read or do whatever you wish. I just need to lie down."

Severus watched her as she crawled under the covers and fell asleep almost immediately. He drew up a chair next to her bedside so he could be by her side. He watched her as she dreamt. He saw tears streaming down her cheeks.

She cries in her sleep! he thought. He rubbed his forehead and started to think this might not have been such a good idea. He started to feel sleepy, and he stroked her hair as he closed his eyes.

Her eyes opened slowly. "Sleep with me," she murmured. "Lie with me."

Her voice was breathless, and it called to him. He rose from his seat and again fit his body next to her. He carefully placed an arm across her belly and inhaled the scent of her hair. She was so soft and yielding to his delicate touch. He felt himself growing hard against her, but he didn't care. He loved her, loved her so much that he would gladly be with her this way than nothing at all.

***

A/N: Thanks to all who have been reading and reviewing! For karelia, Maria, and Beth, love and chocolates for working so hard on each chapter!