Axis One

Disclaimer: I own carrots. That's all.

Axis One

Unspeakable Severus Snape was not a happy man. He was never a happy man at the best of times, and Thursday was certainly not the best of anything. Slamming through the door of his immediate superior’s office, he dumped a bag of exquisite pastries and a cappuccino on the desk.

“Here. Bribes. Don’t make me do it,” he snarled.

“Won’t work, Snape. We need your expertise. You’re the only Potions master in this department.”

“But… Weasley? Why? Do you hate me that much?” Snape resorted to whining. It was not pretty.

“Don’t try that with me. I have two teenagers. I’ve been immune to whining for years.”

“But—”

“No buts. Ronald Weasley is the Auror assigned to the case. Get over it.”

“I don’t need a fucking bodyguard.” Sulking was worth a try.

“Oh, pull in your bottom lip. You’re the brains of the operation, Ron is the brawn. You’ll complement each other nicely.”

“Granger… Hermione… Please!”

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, he’s not that bad. I’m married to him; I should know.” Hermione rolled her eyes at her former professor. Who would have thought he could be so pathetic when he didn’t get his own way?

“I never did understand why you married that idiot. With brains and looks like yours, you could have had any wizard. Even me.” Flattery, perhaps?

“Insulting my husband is hardly the way to get on my good side, Snape. And the compliments are a little late. Perhaps you should have thought of that twenty years ago? Maybe I would have considered you. I always wondered what you’d be like in bed.” She smirked at his gaping mouth.

“You did?”

“All the seventh-year girls did. It was the way you glided around the classroom, sneering at us all. We noticed you had a decent body under those robes. Especially when you wore those tight-fitting Quidditch referee’s uniforms that confirmed the old adage about nose size. You were the subject of many a schoolgirl fantasy. Pity you had such a stick up your arse – you could have been shagged many times over if you’d been a little more approachable.”

“Now she tells me. Thanks, Granger. You don’t want to…?”

“No. Go away. You and Ron are a team, like it or not. He’s not that happy either, I might add. The Australians are desperate. If we can’t help them trace the source of the Daucus carota erotica patches appearing beside billabongs all over the outback, they’ll be facing a financial crisis of unprecedented proportions. Their Unbarbecueables have no Potions expertise, and they are reluctant to involve civilians.”

“I’m not surprised, with a name like that. Whatever were they thinking? Unbarbecueables indeed!”

“Apparently, it originates from the days when the Department was first established. They didn’t want to use the same name we do, and as they wore flameproof robes, their Minister of Magic decided on that name. Incidentally, he’s also the same Minister who later approved the use of magic to enhance the Sexyland products sold to the Australian Muggles. That franchise is the major source of income for wizarding Australia.” She grinned. “Maybe they’ll give you some free samples if you solve the case. Make your lonely nights more interesting.”

“Very funny, Granger. Maybe your husband will come home with something more satisfying for you for a change?”

“Oh, I’m more than satisfied. As you said yourself, I didn’t marry him for his brains.” Hermione winked and smirked again. “Now, go! The Portkey leaves in ten minutes. I expect results from you two. Don’t let me down!”

Snape sighed. “Yes, boss. Do you want me to strip naked and dance a jig on the desk as well?” Why did he ever take on the job as Unspeakable when he left Hogwarts three years earlier before checking who else worked there? Discovering Hermione bloody Granger-Weasley was to be his senior had not been an auspicious moment.

“As entertaining as that might be, I think we’ll schedule that for another time. Perhaps one night when Ron is working late... although he did suggest we try a threesome some time.”

Hermione’s wicked smile did not register with the astounded wizard before her. Teasing Snape was one of the best perks of the job. She reached for her quill and stack of reports and started working.

Unspeakable Severus Snape gathered his discombobulated thoughts and retreated out of the office as fast as his dragonhide-clad feet could carry him. The witch was impossible. If she only knew how far his fantasies had taken him lately, she’d be a little more circumspect with her taunts.

***

“So, Snape. What do we do now?” Ronald Weasley appeared quite happy to allow the brains of the partnership to make any decisions. “I can’t see any strange plants here, only those carrot patches under the tree.”

Snape shook his head. The redhead definitely did not improve on closer acquaintance. “Weasley, Daucus carota erotica IS a carrot. Did you learn nothing in Herbology? Now, stop trampling the evidence and look for any clues.”

“Hey, look at that. It looks like a huge—” Ron’s exclamation as he waved around the carrot he had pulled from the ground was cut off by his partner’s Silencio.

“Yes, Weasley, that is why they are named Daucus carota EROTICA. The shape of the root is somewhat… interesting. And I see by your gaping mouth you have discovered they spontaneously vibrate. That is why the Muggles must never discover them. If they can grow their own, why would they need the products from Sexyland?” He flicked his wand and allowed Ron to speak before he burst a blood vessel.

“That’s fucking amazing! I’m taking a couple of these home to ‘Mione. She’s always wanting to try something new.”

“So I believe,” replied Snape with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, she didn’t mention the threesome thing, did she? I knew I should have kept my mouth shut. I meant we should find another witch to have some fun with, but she took my suggestion all out of context,” Ron complained, still fondling the carrot.

“And what makes you think she would want another woman in your bed?”

“Well…”

“You didn’t think. Why am I not surprised? I suggest if you want to try to expand your sexual repertoire, you look for another wizard. I’m sure a witch like Hermione is more than enough for two men.”

“Are you offering, Snape? She told me she used to drool over you at school.” Ron waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “I’m sure we could come to some… accommodation.”

“She told you? Has the woman no shame?”

“We share everything, Severus. Did she tell you some of the seventh-year boys used to fancy you as well?”

Snape swallowed hard. The conversation was rapidly moving into areas he would rather not explore… or at least admit to. Just because he had that thing with Lucius at school… and Regulus… and…, it didn’t mean he was that way inclined now. Although, now he took a closer look, Ronald Weasley had a certain allure. Red hair had always been his favourite, after all, and the boy’s was silky and thick, just begging for his fingers to run through. Twenty years as an Auror had developed muscles in all the right places, and his lopsided grin was enticing despite the streak of mud on his cheek. As long as he kept his mouth shut. Snape’s mind wandered as he imagined various techniques to achieve that end.

“Snape. Snape!”

“What?”

“You were staring. Not that I minded, but we have a job to do.” Ron bent over to begin examining the carrot patch more closely, well aware of how perfectly his jeans displayed his taut and toned assets. A soft groan from behind proved his suspicion. Severus Snape was up for it. The redhead had long since recognised Snape’s fixation on his witch. Planting those patches of special vegetables had been a stroke of brilliance.

Everyone always forgot Ronald Weasley was a master strategist.

***

A/N: Written for and betaed by the lovely sempra, who wanted Severus, Ron, carrots, and billabongs. Don’t ask me why.