Remembrances

Even from deep down in the bowels of the castle, she could hear the rain lashing violently at the ancient walls and feel the stone shake with the rumble of thunder. She was overwhelmingly glad to be safe from the raging weather, and even more so to finally be warm and dry.

She was also afraid. Fear tore at her heart – fear of the emotions brought forth by the events of the evening; fear of the reason she was still down in the dungeons; and most of all... fear of him.

More accurately, she feared the way he made her feel – the way he made her chest constrict and her pulse race. She feared knowing that she would most likely do anything he asked of her – anything at all, her feminist principles be damned – as her rational mind fought to give sway to her irrational body.

How could one man hold such sway over her emotions? Over her life?

Her brown eyes danced with the reflection of the flames in the hearth, flames which were slowly burning the oak logs therein down to mere embers, as the thoughts danced through her head. From her perch in one of the overstuffed armchairs in front of the dwindling fire, she watched Severus from the corner of her eye. The low flames were reflected in his ebony hair and black eyes, giving his normally sallow face a soft, warm glow. His left arm was draped over the back of the sofa in which he sat, his fingers rubbing small unconscious circles in the cream colored fabric. His other hand was under his chin, his index finger rubbing pensively at his lips as it kept time with the fingers of the other hand.

He was dressed in a pair of black nightclothes (they had been a gift from her, coincidentally), and his long legs were stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankles. She could see the sparse sprinkling of dark hair across the tops of his feet where they peeked from under the black silk.

Hermione smiled to herself – there was something inherently intimate about his bare feet, even more so than the bare skin that showed beneath the matching nightshirt that he had not taken the time to button. She felt her cheeks flush as her eyes followed the soft line of dark hair running from his chest down over the lightly defined muscles of his abdomen. It disappeared beneath the waistband of his pants, which she noticed were sitting rather low on his hips.

Quickly, but not so fast as to draw notice, she turned her face away, eyes closing, lips parting as her breath came slightly faster.

Don't do this to yourself! her inner voice cried. You've been down this road... it only leads to heartbreak and pain!

If Severus had noticed her watching him or seen her flushed reaction, he said nothing. She assumed he was now too lost in his own thoughts to pay her much attention.

The moments following their mutual shower had been slightly awkward. Neither had cared that the other was totally without clothes as they had stood under the hot spray, letting months of pent up emotions swirl away with the water and the mud. As the painful memories had softened a little around the edges, and when there had been no more tears to cry, they had simply stood together, embracing each other in mutual understanding and comfort.

Several long minutes passed as they stood there, her face pressed to his chest, his to the top of her head, their arms wrapped tightly around each other, before either decided to move. She felt his lips kiss the top of her head, while at the same time his hands started making slow, soft lines up and down her back. The sensation was soothing and familiar, and she kept her eyes shut as she relaxed into his touch.

An involuntary gasp escaped her when his hot breath hit her ear a few moments later. Her flesh tingled and her knees went weak with desire as he ran his nose slowly over her outer ear, her earlobe, and then down the line of her neck. It took all her willpower – which was running on empty – to place her hands on his chest and gently push him away. He offered no resistance, but his hands moved from her back and slid down over the wet skin of her waist to grip her gently about the hips. Brown eyes snapped to meet black as his fingers gripped her flesh in a silent request.

Although his eyes were bloodshot from all the tears, they still burned with a heated intensity that she had not seen in a long time but could never forget. Fingertips tightened their grip and pulled her gently back towards him. Inside her mind, her inner voice screamed at her for what she was letting happen, for the way she moved forward without resistance, letting him press their bodies close.

Blood pounded through her body as her heart raced, chased on by the waves of raw need that flowed from his body to hers. When her skin finally came into contact with the physical evidence of that need, all the breath left her lungs in a single involuntary rush. Her eyes pressed shut as her desire warred with her conscience, each in a race to overtake the other.

While her palms pressed firmly against the warm, wet skin of his chest – in an unconscious gesture that tried in vain to keep her body separated from his – her eyes reopened, and she watched as he seemed to move in slow motion, his lips once again brushing the sensitive skin at the base of her neck.

Fire and lightning had coursed through her entire body, sizzling and crackling over her skin before pooling in low, forgotten places. Without conscious thought, her hands crept to the nape of his neck, twining in his wet hair and pulling his lips firmly against her. Her response to his touch only served to add fuel to an already out of control fire.

Severus lifted his lips from Hermione's neck and crushed them to her mouth, kissing her as if he were dying, and she was his one and only hope of survival. Reciprocating his attentions, Hermione urged him to part his lips, and when he did her tongue immediately twined with his.

With a feral growl, he grabbed her roughly around the waist and lifted her, pushing her up against the back wall of the shower, where her legs wrapped around his waist instinctively. Instantly, she was lost in the feel of his hands grasping desperately at her backside and the intensity of his mouth against hers.

She felt him pressing against her, hot and wet, straining, begging, pleading for entrance.

God... yes! her body screamed, offering no protest as she tightened her grip on him and arched her pelvis into his. He groaned into her mouth and tightened his grip on her buttocks as he tilted his pelvis down and back, preparing for the final thrust. Frantically, the rational part of her mind clawed its way past the irrational part, screaming at her, trying desperately to get her to see reason: Not like this not like this not like...!!

"Stop..." she breathed, pulling her lips away from his as she finally found her voice. He stopped, but she could literally feel just how close they had come to crossing a line that she was not sure should be crossed... yet.

His eyes were questioning as they searched hers. One of her hands made its way to his face, pushing the dark, wet hair from his eyes, caressing his cheek. "Please, Severus," she said, "not like this." Her head fell back against the shower wall with a wet 'thup.' "Not like this..."

With a resigned sigh, he let her feet gently touch the floor before he turned his gaze downwards, ashamed. "I..." he began softly. Words seemed to fail him, and after a moment he gave a remorseful sigh. "Forgive me." He backed away then, turning from her and lifting one arm to brace himself against the shower wall. His forehead pressed heavily against the tattoo on his forearm while the water continued to beat down on his neck and shoulders.

"Severus," Hermione crooned, placing a hand in the middle of his back, "please don't be sorry. I... you have no idea..."

Her forehead replaced her hand upon his back as her arms encircled his waist gently. She could feel the muscles in his stomach tighten and relax as he fought to catch his breath. After a few tense moments, she finally spoke again. "I want this... I want... I want you-"

He had snorted at that.

"It's the truth. Look into my mind if you don't believe me," she confessed softly. "But as much as I may desire this, I refuse – refuse – to let you take me to your bed... only to be cast aside when you sober up."

"Hermione... I would never..."

She cut him off. "You have, Severus... and while I hope that somewhere deep down you still care for me... I know that if this happens – here, now, like this – that at the first light of dawn, I will no longer be welcome."

His only response was a lowering of his head. Her lips tightened as she sighed and backed away.

Her fingers reached out and caressed the line of his spine, desperately wanting him to feel her sincerity. "I want this. I want us... so badly, Severus – so badly that I cannot sleep at night for thoughts of you... of what we could have had... could still have. But I must know that you feel the same way – that your feelings are genuine and not the result of too much drink."

With those final words, she left him alone with his thoughts, her mind spinning frantically with the thought of what had almost happened, and the confession she had made.

So now, here they were, she in the chair, he on the sofa, the tea service on the table between them long empty. How she ached to join him on that sofa, to wrap her arms around him, to cover his face in kisses and beg him to come back to her. It was a selfish thought, she knew, but one that she felt no shame in thinking. Their current situation had not been her decision, after all...

******Flashback******

******End Flashback******

~TBC

A/N: Well, I hope that clears up a bit of their past. I'm going to try and get everything straightened out and cleared up within the next few chapters. My brain is hurting trying to figure out the timeline for all of this.

The present-day part of this chapter takes place in October of 2001, about ten months after the flashback, which is set in January of 2001. I hope I'm not confusing anyone too much!

Please let me know what you think! If you have taken the time to read, please leave me a review, no matter how small! It helps to keep me inspired and to make the story and my writing better! Thank you so much if you've read my little tale! I am eternally grateful!