Ablution
Chapter 8 of 9
michmakIf I were truly a good man, I would send you away for your own sake. The fact that I can’t seem to only proves that I am incapable of doing the right thing.
ReviewedChapter Eight: Ablution
-slight lemons ahead-
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He found he didn’t know what to say to her once they’d arrived back at his chambers. He knew he should say something but words – as they often had in the past – failed him. He noted the way her eyes traveled around his room, widening slightly when she saw the empty bottle of fire whiskey lying on the floor in front of the armchair he had slept in last night.
He adjusted the cuffs of his frock coat and kept a wary eye on her as she moved around the room, taking everything in as if she hadn’t been there for weeks instead of days.
“You’ve a new book, I see,” she said, indicating the tome he’d been trying to read the other night. “It looks interesting.”
“I’m sure it is,” he replied. “I haven’t really read all that much of it yet.”
She cocked an eyebrow at him and approached her desk, shaking her head at the scattered papers. “I really should straighten this up. I know how you hate clutter.”
He shrugged to indicate he heard her, but didn’t reply. A strained silence filled the room – at least, it was strained on his end. He didn’t think it bothered her at all and the thought made him uneasy. When had she become so comfortable with his silences? When had he become so uncomfortable with being silent in her presence? The things he wanted to say to her - the questions he wanted to ask - seemed lodged in his throat and she didn’t seem all that eager to talk.
He took a step closer to her, watching the way her slim hands settled her papers into a neat pile, her fingers sliding against the parchment, the feather quill rubbing between her fingers. He envied the way she touched them; longed to have her fingers trace the blade of his cheek and the bridge of his nose with just such a caress. He was watching her hands so intently he didn’t realize she was looking at him until she spoke his name.
“Severus.” Her eyes were glinting with the emotion she never tried hiding from him; awash in tears. He knew it was his fault and felt even worse than he normally did. He was making her cry.
“Hermione…I…” he paused and searched for the proper words, his hands clasping together. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, the other day. Don’t let me make you cry.”
She was in his arms before he could blink. “It’s not you making me cry,” she murmured against his chest. “Well, it is you – but not the way you think. I just…I don’t know what I need to do to show you how…you’re not the awful man you seem to think you are.”
“I am,” he replied. “I’ve seen and done too many horrible things to ever be anything other. Don’t whitewash me, Hermione. The reputation I have is well-earned. You sully yourself just by being in my presence. If I were truly a good man, I would send you away for your own sake. The fact that I can’t seem to only proves that I am incapable of doing the right thing. I am greedy. I don’t want to let you go.”
“Than I am greedy as well,” she responded, lifting her face to look at him. “I don’t want to let you go, either. I love you, Severus. I know you don’t believe it – I know you think you don’t merit love – but I can’t change my heart.”
His hands were in her hair now, fingers running through the curls and snagging in them every once in a while. Her hair was warm, like she was. He imagined wrapping them both around him like a cocoon and not emerging until he somehow became the type of man she deserved. “You cannot save me, Hermione. You cannot redeem me. It’s best you realize that now – I am who I am.”
“If you were anything other than what you are, I wouldn’t love you.” She was looking at him intently and her hand had come up to trace his face. He closed his eyes against the pleasure and tried not to let her words mean too much. “You’re a dichotomy and a mystery. You have the capacity within you to do great good and great evil; yet you have chosen the good – despite the cost to yourself. It would have been easier for you to stay a Death Eater; to have never become a spy for Dumbledore; yet you chose the harder path. If you were the evil man you think you are, we would all be dead. Don’t you understand that?”
Her words flowed over him like water as she pulled his face towards her and kissed him tenderly on the lips. He could taste the salt of her tears when he kissed her back. When she opened her mouth to his, he groaned against the heat of it and tried not to drown in her emotion. His heart was beating painfully against his chest as her words continued to wash through him, ferreting out all the hidden shadows of his soul and cleansing them.
Could it be enough for him that she believes he is worthy of her? He thinks, for the first time, that maybe it could.
-0-0-0-0-
She is a tangle of pale limbs and honeyed skin, whispering his name a million different ways as his fingers slide against her. Her hands grips his hair and hold him to her breast as he laves her nipples, moving from one to the other as they pebble under his ministrations. She moans when he dips into her belly button before he slides lower and feasts on the very essence of her. He wonders, in an abstract way, if he has become addicted to the feel and the taste of her, as his tongue whispers his longing for her with each stroke against her clit. He wishes he could tell her with words, but trusts she is intelligent enough to hear what he is saying without them.
He feels open and vulnerable when they are together like this, as if she could look into the heart he denies is there and see that it beats only because of her. She moans his name again and her hands, beating spasmodically against the sheets of his bed are suddenly gripping his shoulders and drawing him up her body.
Her thighs are hot against his sides as she flips him over, the muscles tense as she lowers herself down the length of him, her silken core creating a liquid friction that almost undoes him. His hips flex into her and she bends at the waist until her pert young breasts are rubbing against his chest. Her eyes are wide with need, her teeth sharp as she nips at the cord of muscle inside his neck.
“Severus,” she hisses again as their movements turn from measured and rhythmic to frantic and wild, “I love you. I love you. I love you…”
He is lost and found with her words, his world exploding around him, but he finds he doesn’t care. He’s found a new life with her. He thinks he’s going to keep it.
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What You Already Own – Amy Grant
I give you my heart, broken and bruised
But still beating and wanting to trust you
I know I'm unfaithful, I know I do wrong
Do you protect what you already own
I give you my body, naked and meek,
Burning with passion, human and weak,
I try to be faithful, and then I go wrong
Can you protect what you already own
Can you protect what you already own
I know I'm unfaithful, I know I do wrong
Do you protect what you already own.
I give you my life, precious and rare
Knowing wherever I've been you were there
Sometimes I'm faithful, sometimes I'm strong
Will you protect what you already own?
I will be faithful, help me be strong,
Cause you will protect what you already own
You still protect what you already own
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Latest 25 Reviews for Finding His Voice
59 Reviews | 6.36/10 Average
Lovely, sweet, redemptive story!
What happens when she has finished her apprenticeship? I notice you say "as she left our bathroom". Does that mean they got married or that she officially "moved in"? For an ending to be complete we need to know what happens when her two years is up. We know she won't leave him, but what happens when it's been two years and he finds out she is staying with him? Will she co-teach with him? Will she do private research at Hogwarts?
I guess he heard her when she told him it would have been easier to stay a death eater but he chose the harder path of being a spy and protecting them. I hope he heard why that makes him different. Maybe she needs to more frankly acknowledge the horrible things he has done. Maybe he needs some cathartic exercise. But perhaps she isn't the best one to hear the details of his sins. She may know them in a global way but she may not want to know the awful details. Maybe he should write them in a book then burn them in a ritualistic way with he and Hermione together. I think he needs to deal with the memories of what suffering and pain he caused to other human beings during raids that included rape and torture. It's as if he needs a confessor like a priest who can simply listen without condeming him.
About damned time! It's 3:23 am. I must make myself take a break and go to bed or I will hate myself later. Let's see, if I sleep until 10:30 I should be OK. One of the perks of being old and having grown kids is sleeping in. 
I know Hermione can take this. It's nothing new and it probably won't be the last time he lashes out in his unbelief that anyone could love him, let alone a beautiful and intellegent young witch like herself. She know this. She has yielded to him the power to hurt her feelings. Can he see that? There was a time when he counldn't hurt her feelings with his insults. But he assassinated her character this time. He implied she was slutty. Before, he had only denigrated her for being so good and sweet and smart and for wanting to help him. He had only implied she was naive, foolish, idealistic and annoying. I'm not sure what the best response should be for her to give him. Not, "how dare you?" I think letting him know how much he hurt her is probably the best thing to do. She won't pout or yell at him. Will he have the courage to tell her he is sorry if he sees her wilt with sadness before his eyes? Or, will he say it only proves he has been right all along and she has no business being with him. That she can handle, though, I think.
She's so brave! I'm so glad she is, for his sake. It was wonderful love making.
You did such a good job of making my heart ache for Severus. I'm so glad Hermione realized he was angry because he had missed her so much and set his mind at ease with that bold kiss. Now that was a brave and Griffindorish move if there ever was one. I'm sure a part of my mind would be thinking, "what if he really means this stuff and he really doesn't want me here and I'm just too stubborn to see it?" Bless his soul. Bless hers too.
FYI- I like your songs at the end of the chapters.
The Chimera egg charm was a nice touch! I suppose the question is, did Severus enjoy what he had to do as a Death Eater or did he do it under duress? The other Death Eaters wanted to do those things and enjoyed them. If Severus enjoyed being a Death Eater, he would still be doing awful things to people worse than having a generally bad attitude and being a very rude. Like Hermione said, "It's easier to reject someone before they can reject you." I used to work for a doctor like this. He was a total bastard, unless he was drunk. When he was drunk at office parties he was one of those, "I love you, Man!" people. But he knew he was a bastard to work for so he gave huge Christmas bonus' to all of us and made sure he hired really nice people to make up for the fact that he had an abrasive bedside manner. The fact of the matter was that there were many patients who loved him for his abrasive and sarcastic ways. One patient told me she figured anyone who was such an asshole would always tell them the truth. If they or their baby was going to die, he woud be honest with them and not beat around the bush. She had lost a baby within hours of the birth and he was the only person in the hospital who told her the truth, when she asked if her baby was going to die. Everyone else avoided her or beat around the bush. He took all the pregnant patients no one else would take. And once a year he closed his office, had all the staff come in and did yearly check ups on all of the women from an institution for retarded people at no cost. One patient lovingly gave him a card that read, "Jesus loves you. The rest of us think you're an ass hole."
Wow! I wish I could write poetry like that over Mac and Cheese or anywhere else. I am mightily impressed and enjoying this story very much.
Such an amazing tale, thank you!
Love the song. Poor Snape. He really is his own worst enemy. I love the way Hermione responds to Severus' silly behavior.
I loved your story very much. I loved your Severus and your confident Hermione who already knew he'd be hard to convince. JKR underestemated them both. Hermione could never be happy with Ronald Weasley and Severus Snape would never have been so careless and unprepared for his fate. If anyone is writing Severus and Hermione out of character she is.
i liked your poem very much!
That was quite a satifying little tirade. *nods in profound agreement* Must make a template of it for the next time I need one. 
Words also fail me. This was lovely. 
Great writing - I loved this story - way to piece him back together. It was well written and great character assessment - good work.
Well she is melting the ice king's heart and the passion scene was a good one. I love how she refirms that she loves him. It is almost like working with an abused person. Lots of affrimation- good work.
Well - I liked her tactic and the fact that she called him out for being a child. A woman would have to love you to suffer these things. He asked her for tea - well it is a start.
Poor girl - she is up against Severus own internal demons. What will she do -he is so forcefully trying to push her away and sometimes fighting a battle can be too much if you always start back at square one.
We she had her Severus - she has had to push past every wall and every defense. He know thinks that he can give her his body but not the heart- too bad but he already has.
Well how do you get through to a thick headed man - kiss him - what a chapter. I loved how you wrote her character and the internal conflict of Severus is spot on.
I love how you write her defusing the situation - it is a good thing and clearly is working miracles on Severus. I also love how she is slowly worming her way into his heart and even his dreams. Good job.
Way to go Hermione - I loved how your wrote her personality - tenacious and persistant but kind and fair. I loved how she stood up for Severus at the pub and then how he stood up for her. I think it melted a little ice surrounding his heart - good work.
How tragic - how he is treated. What a way to start his life if he had lived through the war. So messed up and isolated by circumstance - what a great character to start to work with.
AWH!this story is so beautiful!~