XIII: Sharing Memories

Chapter XIII: Sharing Memories

Severus put every conceivable protective spell around his old study. Nobody, living inhabitant of the castle, ghost or portrait, was going to disturb him and Morgaine that evening. There was too much to be said to be interrupted.

When he turned to face Morgaine, she was tending to her left hand. Severus frowned. He had not noticed that she had injured herself, but now he saw that the cuts were bleeding rather heavily. Had she cut herself on the pieces of glass that had been lying on the floor in the Shrieking Shack? Did it even matter?

'Let me,' Severus murmured and placed a ghostly hand over the cuts. 'Vulnera sanantur. Vulnera sanantur.'

The wounds started closing immediately, and Morgaine tilted her head to look at Severus. 'Did you just carry your wand for show?' she wondered.

Severus smirked. He had indeed been able to do wandless magic when he had still been alive. The more he had turned towards the Light, the easier it had become. And over the last couple of months, he had discovered that he could cast most spells as a ghost as well.

'You were a powerful wizard, Severus Snape,' Morgaine stated. 'You still are.'

'And you are a powerful witch.'

The cuts on her hand weren't much more than fine white lines now, and Severus abandoned his task to look into Morgaine's eyes.

'Did our daughter inherit our talents?' he asked. A direct approach seemed sensible, although risky. But the cat was out of the bag anyway, and secrecy seemed like a waste of time. Asking right out might just be the best alternative.

Morgaine seemed uncomfortable for a second but steadied herself quickly. 'Demeter is talented,' she started. 'She is studious and eager to try new things. Whatever task she is set, she will work hard and not give up before she succeeds. She is very ambitious.'

'With other words, stubborn,' Severus concluded. 'That must be a family trait,' he added dryly and smirked.

Morgaine gave a short laugh, and to Severus' joy, the smile lingered on her lips.

'Will you tell me about her?' he asked. 'Will you tell me about our child?'

Morgaine's eyes locked onto his, and Severus could feel that she was afraid.

'Please,' he added. If he had been able to, he would have taken her hand. But now he had to be content with brushing her fingers ever so slightly with his. 'Please,' he repeated. 'Let me see her.'

~ ~ ~

Morgaine's hands were shaking slightly as she, one by one, extracted her memories of Demeter and bottled them, ready to pour them into the Pensieve that one of the house-elves had brought down to the dungeons from the headmistress' office. This was it then. Severus was about to meet his daughter.

While Morgaine herself felt nervous, Severus seemed calm and composed. But she could see the little crease on his ghostly brow. And she had known him long enough to know that something was bothering him. Of course there was. He must have so many questions. Hopefully she would be able to give him answers.

'Where would you like to start?' she asked, realising at once that it was a dumb question! Did it even matter where they started? Severus would want to see everything, of course. And she wanted to show him everything. She was finally ready.

Severus seemed to be thinking the same. 'It is you who chose the memories, Morgaine,' he said. 'It is you who will have to decide what I am allowed to see. However, I would recommend that we start at the beginning.'

~ ~ ~

'What are you doing here, child?' Margaret sounded genuinely surprised.

Severus looked around and found himself in the small kitchen in Margaret's cottage in Iceland. Not much had changed since he had visited with Dumbledore that glorious summer when he had lost his heart.

He turned around and saw Morgaine take off her heavy winter coat and place it over the back of one of the kitchen chairs. 'I told Karkaroff you lay dying,' she explained. 'He had to let me come and visit.'

Margaret smiled and looked down her body. 'Dying? I must say I imagined that process to be slightly more straining. I must say I feel quite alive.' Then her smile died away. 'What are you doing here, Morgaine?' she repeated.

Morgaine turned towards the small window from which she could overlook the snow covered hills of Iceland. The calendar on the wall showed that it was the first week of March.

'I had to come home,' Morgaine said, wrapping her arms around herself as if to shield herself from the cold. She looked miserable.

Margret stepped behind her granddaughter and placed a tender hand on her shoulder. 'What's wrong, poppet?'

'I think I'm with child.'

The sound of Morgaine's voice made Severus shiver. She sounded as if she were carrying the pain of the world on her shoulders.

Margret took hold of Morgaine's arm and turned her around. 'You think you are with child?' she asked.

Morgaine closed her eyes for a moment and her shoulders slumped. 'It doesn't make sense. I shouldn't be. It was the wrong time of the month.'

'What do you mean?' Margaret seemed calm, but Severus detected a slight tremble in her voice.

'It must have been New Year's eve,' Morgaine started. 'It was the only time I ... But it can't be. The moon was full ...'

Morgaine's voice was shaking, and Margaret nodded knowingly. Severus, however, had no idea what Morgaine was talking about.

'The bleeding had just stopped that day, as it always does,' Morgaine continued. 'I should not have conceived that night. I cannot have conceived naturally that night. Malfoy must have slipped me a potion.'

Malfoy? The name alone made Severus flinch.

Margaret, too, paled. 'Child, you didn't ...'

'Of course I did not!' Morgaine sounded appalled. 'Oh, Granny, I played with fire that night. I finally wanted to know everything about my parents, and I hoped Malfoy would tell me everything I wanted to know if he thought that I ...'

'If he thought you would follow him willingly to his bed chamber,' Margaret filled in.

Morgaine nodded. Suddenly, she seemed ashamed. 'Oh, Granny, he was charming. And he almost succeeded.'

The tears started running down Morgaine's face, and Margaret wrapped her arms around her granddaughter. 'We should have warned you, child,' she whispered. 'We should have warned you.'

~ ~ ~

'Should have warned you about what?' Severus ghostly eyes were glittering as he surfaced from the Pensieve, and his anger was tangible.

'Malfoy had been interested in the duLac bloodline for quite some time,' Morgaine started to explain. 'Ever since my mother ...'

'Don't tell me Lucius Malfoy is your father!' Severus interrupted. The thought was more than disgusting.

'No!' Morgaine shook her head vehemently. 'No, he is not. I checked that a long time ago. He and Narcissa ... they were on their honeymoon when I was conceived.' She paused and bit her lip. 'Do you remember Malfoy congratulating you on – what were his words – bedding me?'

Severus sneered. Of course he remembered. He also remembered Malfoy telling him that he would gladly take Morgaine to his bed himself.

'It is all about blood, Severus,' Morgaine went on. 'Lucius Malfoy wanted a duLac baby. Dumbledore said that it had most probably been Malfoy's idea to keep my mother as a prisoner until she bore a child that could be brought up by Death Eaters. Just imagine, a duLac and a direct descendant of Albus Dumbledore ...'

'Dumbledore knew?' Severus hissed. Why was he not surprised?

Morgaine sensed Severus' rage, but she once more shook her head. Her parentage was not something she wanted to discuss. Not now anyway. Instead, she uncorked a second memory.

~ ~ ~

Once more, Severus found himself in Margaret's kitchen. Morgaine was now kneeling at her grandmother's feet with her head resting against the older woman's knees. She had stopped crying, but the tears on her cheek had not yet dried.

'What are you going to do?' Margaret asked.

Morgaine drew a deep breath. 'The most sensible thing to do would be to get rid of the child. I cannot be pregnant at Durmstrang. Karkaroff will tell Malfoy. And Malfoy will ...'

Severus felt a shudder go through his ghostly body. What if Malfoy had succeeded in his evil plan? What if he had managed to take Morgaine to his bed that night and sire a child? Surely, he would have taken care of them both and worshipped Morgaine for giving him the child he had planned to father for so many years. But whatever would have happened to Morgaine and the baby the day the Dark Lord returned? The idea was too horrid to think about properly.

'Have you been thinking this through, Morgaine?' Margaret asked. 'Are you sure you do not want this child?'

'This is not a matter of what I want.' In a blink of an eye, every trace of emotion disappeared from Morgaine's face. 'I cannot have this child. I mustn't.'

~ ~ ~

Severus blinked and looked at Morgaine with big eyes. He had not been prepared for her telling him that she had ever considered aborting their child.

'I had prepared everything,' Morgaine explained quietly. 'My grandmother helped me to collect the right herbs and brew the potion. She cried the whole time.'

'What stopped you?' Severus asked, his voice shaky. He was in shock.

'How could I kill something as innocent as an unborn child, Severus? We had created life. You and I, we had created something pure and innocent. How could I destroy something that precious?'

Severus nodded. 'How did you hide your pregnancy from Karkaroff?' he enquired. Suddenly, he was interested in the practical details. Was it because he was unable to cope with the emotions that were welling up inside him?

'A potion against morning sickness and a simple concealment charm was all it took in the beginning,' Morgaine explained. 'But towards the end of term, it wasn't enough anymore. I was weak and felt ill. I feared for my own health as much as for the child's, but I couldn't see the nurse at Durmstrang, as she would certainly have informed Karkaroff. So I turned to the only person I trusted and whom I knew had the power to take me away from Durmstrang.'

'Dumbledore,' Severus concluded.

Morgaine nodded. 'He came to see me right away. But Karkaroff insisted I stay until the end of term. So I had no other choice than keep on fighting until the summer. Then I returned to Iceland.'

~ ~ ~

'Albus, you must do something! Morgaine mustn't return to Durmstrang in September. It's too dangerous. For both her and the baby.'

'And what do you suggest I do, Margaret?' Dumbledore replied calmly. 'Karkaroff has the Ministry on his side. And what is even worse, he has Lucius Malfoy on his side.'

'She must not return!' Margaret repeated, drawing herself up to her full height before Dumbledore as if to shield Morgaine with her body.

Severus flinched as he caught sight of Morgaine, who was sitting on a wooden chair by the window with her head resting against the window frame. She was so pale that her skin seemed almost transparent, and judging from the dark circles under her eyes, she had not had a good night's sleep for weeks. Her shaking hands were resting on her rounded belly.

'I ask you again, Margaret,' Dumbledore repeated. 'What do you suggest I do?'

'Hide her.' Margaret's voice sounded determined. She would not take no for an answer. 'Hide her and the child like we hid Jeanne.'

Dumbledore frowned. 'You know what that means, Margaret. That spell demands that no one knows about Morgaine's whereabouts. And no one must know about the child either. Not even Severus.'

If possible, Morgaine grew even paler. But she didn't say a word. Margaret, on the other hand, was beside herself with rage.

'Do you have any idea what you are asking here, Albus?'

Dumbledore stepped around Margaret and looked down at Morgaine. 'Severus mustn't know, Morgaine,' he repeated. 'He has another child to protect.'

Morgaine didn't react, and Severus wondered if she had even heard Dumbledore's words. She seemed strangely detached, almost apathetic.

Margaret grabbed Dumbledore by his arm. 'What do you mean, Severus has another child to protect? This is his child. This is where his responsibilities lie and nowhere else.'

'Severus had promised to protect Harry Potter long before he ever set eyes on Morgaine. I need him to protect the boy.'

How could Dumbledore be so callous, Severus wondered. This was his own great-granddaughter he was talking about, his own kin.

'Severus is very well capable of taking care of two children at once,' Margaret pointed out, and Severus couldn't help but smile. He had only met Margaret for a couple of days, and still she held such a high opinion of him.

'It is too dangerous!' Dumbledore thundered, and Margaret flinched. Obviously, she had never heard Dumbledore raise his voice before.

'I need Severus to protect Harry Potter,' the old wizard repeated. 'I cannot take the risk of him being distracted by his own child.'

'Distracted?' Margaret shook her head in disbelief. 'This is his child!'

'Tell me, Margaret, what will happen when the dark forces who are trying to kill Harry Potter learn that Harry's protector has a child, that there is someone in Severus Snape's life whom he cares for?'

'They will use that knowledge against him.'

Morgaine's voice wasn't more than a whisper, but still it made both Margaret and Dumbledore turn towards her. She was standing now, supporting herself against the wall with her hand.

'Severus knowing would endanger both him and the child. I cannot put either of them at risk.' Morgaine let go off the wall and straightened. 'If keeping them both safe means not telling Severus about his child, then so be it.'

Severus felt his heart warm at Morgaine's words, and although he was perfectly aware that he was merely a ghost inside a memory and unable to keep her from falling, he rushed forwards as she collapsed, ready to catch her in his arms.

~ ~ ~

'What happened?' Severus asked as he came up from the Pensieve. He was as concerned as if the Morgaine who was sitting in the armchair in front of him were the one he had just seen collapse.

'I was exhausted, both physically and mentally,' Morgaine explained. 'I spent the last trimester in bed, too weak to get up myself and too weak to fight Dumbledore.'

Severus felt his bile rise. Once more, he wondered how Dumbledore could have done this to his own flesh and blood. How could he have used Morgaine like this?

'I'm afraid I cannot show you any memories of Demeter being born or her first weeks,' Morgaine went on. 'I ... I wasn't feeling too well. And I don't remember much myself.'

'Was it a rough delivery?' Severus asked, completely at a loss about what else he could ask.

Morgaine shook her head. 'From what I've been told, everything went quite smoothly until ... until I was supposed to hold Demeter for the first time.'

She broke off and started gnawing at her lip and twisting her hands in her lap. Severus also noticed that her breathing was quickening. He drifted towards her and came to hover right in front of her so he could look in her eyes.

'What happened?'

'I don't know. It seems silly now, but I couldn't hold her. I couldn't love her. One moment I thought she was evil incarnate, and the next moment I was convinced that I myself was evil and that I would contaminate her. I know it doesn't make any sense.'

Severus frowned. It did indeed not make any sense at all. But then again, what made sense about the whole situation?

'And what happened then?' He felt stupid to be repeating his questions, but he wanted to know. He needed to know.

'I was considered a danger to Demeter, and she was taken away from me. Sometimes I cried and demanded to see my child, but as soon as she was brought to me, I did not want to be close to her. For a time I feared that I was losing my mind. So did the people around me.'

'How did you solve it?'

'I didn't,' Morgaine replied. 'Remus did.'

~ ~ ~

It took Severus a couple of moments to recognise the room to which the next memory had brought him. It was Morgaine's old room in Iceland. He had slept there the summer he had visited her with Dumbledore. He had rarely slept as peacefully as he had in this room.

Morgaine, however, looked anything but peaceful. She was still terribly pale, and there was a haunted look in her eyes. Not even the serene view from her window seemed to have any calming effect on her. From the amount of snow that was covering the hills, Severus judged that it was December.

When there was a knock on the door, Morgaine tensed up like a trapped animal, and as the door opened, she seemed ready to cast a Killing Curse on anyone who dared enter the room.

There was a flutter of brown, shabby robes, and Morgaine was pulled into an embrace which she didn't fight. On the contrary. She clung to the man who had entered the room as if she were afraid he would disappear into thin air.

'It's alright, kitten. I'm here now. I'll take care of you.'

For the first time ever, Severus was overjoyed to hear Remus Lupin's voice. With every word that came from his lips, Morgaine seemed to relax, and Severus couldn't help but feel immensely grateful.

After some moments, Morgaine started to cry, and Lupin cradled her in his arms, rocking her like a baby and whispering words of comfort. But he seemed to be failing. It seemed as if Morgaine was unable to stop crying.

'I am so glad you came, Remus. This is the first time Morgaine is crying since she came here last summer.'

Severus caught sight of Margaret, who was standing in the open door. In her arms, she was holding the baby.

Lupin wrapped his arms tighter around Morgaine and whispered something into her ear which Severus could not hear. But he saw her nod, and Lupin gestured Margaret to enter the room and sit down on Morgaine's bed.

It took several minutes for Morgaine to stop crying, but when she finally did stop, Lupin tried to make her let go of him by carefully pushing her away from him.

'Let go, kitten,' he whispered softly.

The tears had brought some colour to Morgaine's face, and despite her red-rimmed eyes, she looked somehow calmer than she had prior to Lupin's arrival. But she still held onto Lupin's hand with an iron grip.

'Is that my baby?' she asked, cautiously peering around Lupin.

Lupin nodded. 'You have a beautiful daughter, Morgaine,' he said. 'Would you like to see her?'

Morgaine stiffened, but Lupin was already standing and pulling her up by her hands. As she trembled, he carefully laid his arm around her shoulders. 'There is nothing to be afraid of,' he said. 'I am right by your side.'

Morgaine took one tiny step after the other, seemingly ready to break into a run in the opposite direction at any moment. But Lupin held her close to his chest and directed her firmly towards her child. As they stood about half a meter from the bed, Margaret shifted and revealed the sleeping baby.

Severus heard Morgaine's sharp intake of breath and turned to look at her. Her eyes were once more glittering, but not with tears. And he could have sworn that there was a hint of a smile.

Curiously, Morgaine eyed the baby that was lying in her grandmother's arms. It seemed almost as if she saw her daughter for the first time.

'She looks like Severus,' she whispered and extended a shaky hand to brush the baby's cheek. That was when Demeter opened her eyes.

As if burnt, Morgaine withdrew her hand and threw herself against Lupin's chest. But the baby did not cry, and Lupin tightened his grip around Morgaine's shoulders and turned her around so she could once more look at her daughter.

'Demeter does indeed look like her father,' he whispered, and placed a tender kiss on Morgaine's temple. 'But look: she has your beautiful eyes.'

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