Living Wide

Chapter 10: Living Wide

The rest of the afternoon crawled liked molasses.

I managed to work myself into a fine state of anxiety, and Molly finally threw me out of the kitchen and told me to go after the children and get them to wash up.

I was watching the Weasleys' odd clock when the hand with Arthur's name on it swung into place at 'Home', and almost simultaneously I heard male voices. It had not occurred to me that Remus would come home with Arthur, but suddenly, there he was. My palms were damp and my heart was racing as I saw him for the first time since the night at Grimmauld Place. There was a sudden aching chasm in my stomach which had nothing to do with hunger, and I had a ridiculous urge to disregard common manners and throw myself at him. Molly was bustling around, welcoming Remus to the Burrow, and it took a moment before he noticed me. Then his eyes caught mine and held them.

My feet propelled me towards him of their own accord.

"Hi," I managed, unable to stop what felt like the world's dumbest grin from spreading over my face.

"Hello," he offered, almost shyly. "How are you, Kailin?"

"Fine," I told him, sincerely meaning it in every sense of the word.

Remus leaned forward and pecked me awkwardly on the cheek. "I'm glad. Arthur told me you'd been sick--"

He broke off when I gently redirected his head straight towards me and kissed him on the lips. When the kiss ended, the look of hope that was blossoming in his eyes made my heart ache. I knew then that he'd expected me to end our relationship.

"Dinner's ready!" Molly announced, putting an abrupt finish to our tender moment. "Everyone to the table!"

Remus' expression of resignation mirrored my own, and I suspected that this would be the world's longest meal.

The Weasley offspring, along with Harry Potter and Hermione Granger, were piling into the room now, and Remus turned his attention to greeting them. I helped Molly get the rest of supper on the table, and in short order we were all seated and ready to eat. The conversation dwelled initially on whatever had gone on at the Ministry that day, then changed to Ron and Harry's dissection of the latest broom models coming out soon. Finally, there was enough of a lull for Molly to speak up.

"Remus," she said brightly, "Kailin made the most extraordinary discovery today. Kailin, do show him that book. "

I retrieved the Hogwarts yearbook from the living room and brought it back to the table. I'd placed a bookmark at the correct page, so I flipped it open at once and passed it across to him.

"That's my grandmother," I said. "Marvy. The one I told you about."

Startled, Remus looked from the photograph to me. "Your grandmother went to Hogwarts?"

"Yes, believe it or not." I told him about my long-distance conversation with Grandpa Billy, saving the emotional aspects until we had a chance to talk privately.

"Kailin, this is wonderful!" Arthur seemed more enthused than anyone else at the table. "Your grandmother was a witch! What a delightful discovery! McClain, was it? I'll have to do some detective work and see if there are any others in the family on this end. You went to see them, you said?"

"Yes. Right after I arrived in Britain. They were a bit stand-offish, though," I said, frowning at the memory. "It's only one of Marva's cousins that's left, Arthur, along with her children and grandchildren. I don't know that you'll find any more wizards about."

"Perhaps not from later years," he said, waving his fork, "but possibly earlier on. They were stand-offish, you say? If they knew your grandmother--Marva, is it?--was a witch, perhaps they were afraid that you'd be asking questions about that. Many Muggles try to hide the fact, you know." His expression said that he couldn't possibly believe anyone would be disgraced to find a witch or wizard in the family, but then, Muggles were a rather odd bunch, don't you know.

The yearbook, meanwhile, had been whisked away by Ron and Harry, who were snickering at the hairstyles and fashions of the early 1940's. Ginny and Hermione were clamoring to see it as well. Finally, Molly snatched it away and returned it to the living room bookshelf.

"Would you lot please finish your dinners? You can look at it later, for heaven's sake. And how would you like someone to laugh at your Hogwarts pictures in fifty years?"

Dinner proceeded, with a decidedly more festive air at the table now. As soon as everyone began to push back from the table, Molly insisted that Remus and I get some fresh air while everyone else handled the clean-up chores. There were general moans and groans from most quarters, but Remus wasted no time. He grabbed my hand and we headed outside. Once the door closed on the bedlam of the Weasley household, we headed away from the house, hand in hand.

"I missed you," he told me.

"I missed you, too," I murmured, squeezing his fingers for emphasis. "Have you been all right?"

"Me? I've been fine."

Something in the tone of his voice didn't sound quite convincing, and I thought back to some of the conversations I'd had with Molly about the difficulties in Remus' life. "I'm glad I came here this week," I told him. "It's been good, seeing a wizarding household and finding out more about the wizarding world. And it's given me plenty of time to think."

The sudden silence that descended was thick with uncertainty. "Does this mean that you've reached a decision?" Remus asked hesitantly.

I smiled. "I have. I love you and I'm not leaving you."

Remus stopped in his tracks and searched my face as if wanting to confirm that he had heard correctly. "You're saying that you're...I mean..."

"I'm saying that I have no problem with who or what you are," I finished for him.

He inhaled then, almost as if he'd had to remind himself to breathe. "I thought perhaps that Arthur invited me here so you could tell me that you'd decided that we couldn't go on."

"Tell me," I said, the corners of my mouth twitching, "do you always assume the worst?"

"To be honest, it's worked fairly well for me over the years," Remus said, sounding a bit bewildered.

I took both his hands in mine and looked directly into his eyes. "Then you're going to be disappointed this time, R.J. Having you unavailable for one or two days a month is a small price to pay for the pleasure of your company the rest of the time."

He said nothing, and I went on.

"When I talked with Grandpa Billy today, something he said finally convinced me. He said that he'd asked Marvy once if she missed the wizarding world, and she told him that she'd found something better. I think that what happened to her happened to me, too. I've found something better, and that's you, Remus."

He looked like he wanted to believe me more than anything in the world. "You're sure?" he asked unsteadily.

"More than sure."

"I mean, you didn't say that it doesn't matter, and that's absolutely the worst thing you could ever say."

"It does matter, but not as much as you matter to me," I assured him. "There was something else I remembered today, something Marvy told me once. That I shouldn't worry about living long, but about living wide. In other words, not to shy away from different experiences or be content with the ordinary," I said, smiling. "And you're definitely not ordinary."

Abruptly, Remus' face fell. "Kailin, before you go any further, you need to know that I can't go back to America with you."

I was completely lost. "What?"

"I can't go back to America with you. I have to stay here. I can't leave the Order, not with everything that's going on."

"I didn't expect you to go back to America with me," I said blankly. "I intend to remain in Britain. As soon as I get back to London, I'll find out what's required to get my nursing credentials, and then I'll get a work permit and a job. And a more permanent address. I think my flat's booked as soon as my six months are up in September."

"Oh!" Remus stared at me. "You're certain?"

"Absolutely, positively certain."

"If you ever change your mind, I would understand--"

"I know you would. Just don't wait for it. I'm yours for as long as you want me."

"Forever," he blurted, and I could hear the relief in his voice. "And I'm yours for as long as you want me."

"Forever," I echoed, laughing now.

Remus looked flustered, as though he didn't know whether to jump up and down or hug me. "I want to marry you, Kailin. I've known it for weeks. But I want you to take plenty of time to think about it. I don't want you to rush into a decision."

I put my hands on my hips in mock indignation. "You are the most cautious, frustrating--"

"I need to be. You understand why." The leery expression on his face spoke volumes.

"I want to marry you, Remus,' I assured him earnestly. "If it'll make you feel better to wait a year and propose again on bended knee, you can do that, but I'd rather just say 'yes' now and end the suspense."

"But--"

"And if you ask me one more time if I'm sure I'm going to take Molly's frying pan and beat you over the head with it!"

Remus laughed and enfolded me into his arms. "There's just one thing..."

My head snapped back and I searched his face anxiously. "What do you mean, there's 'just one thing'? You told me that there wouldn't be any more surprises."

Startled, Remus stared at me blankly for a moment before his smile returned. "There are no more surprises, dearest. I promise. I meant only that... well... I want you to go through a full moon with me before you decide for sure."

"With you?" I asked carefully. Surely he didn't mean that he wanted me to watch him transform...

"In your flat. Or at Grimmauld Place. I only have the one room, so staying there's not an option. Wherever you say, just so you're in the same building and can understand what it means to share a living space with me when the full moon comes around."

I nodded.

It was the final step needed to seal the agreement. We held each other tightly and for now, his concerns, our differences, even the looming threat of Voldemort faded completely away.

The light was fading rapidly when we finally made it back to the Burrow. The house was silent, but voices from the garden told me where everyone had gone.

Molly, who was sitting outside with Arthur and Hermione, glanced up as Remus and I appeared in the doorway. "Everything all right? You two were gone for quite a long time."

"More than all right," I said, a happy smile spreading over my face.

Remus beamed. "You three should be the first to know: we're unofficially officially engaged to be married--providing Kailin lives through being in the same flat with me come the next full moon."

Hermione squealed with delight, and Arthur, who had been reading the Evening Prophet by the light of his wand, leapt to his feet.

"How simply grand!" he cried, wringing first Remus' hand, then mine. "Congratulations, the both of you! We needed a good reason to celebrate!"

"I'm so happy for you two," Molly added, dabbing at her eyes as she climbed out of her chair to hug us.

"Where's everybody else?" Remus asked, peering around into the dusky twilight.

"Off flying. It's dark enough that they can risk it over towards the orchard." Molly started toward the kitchen. "It'll be pitch black out here soon, though, and I have a bit of leftover fruit crumble. We can have a bit of a party as soon as everyone comes back in."

Remus glanced at the gathering darkness and then at me. "Have any of them taken you up on a broom this week?"

"No," I said. No one had volunteered, and I'd been reluctant to ask. It seemed the sort of activity where I'd have to hang on tight to anything I could grab, and I was reluctant to put a teenager in that sort of compromising position.

"Spare broom, Arthur?"

"Shed," Arthur replied at once.

"Come on, Kailin." Remus took me by the hand and led me across the darkening yard toward a weathered wooden shed. He poked around in it by the light of his own wand while I waited, shivering with anticipation. After a few moments, he found a broom he considered airworthy enough and straddled it. "Hop on," he said.

"Front or back?"

"Back. Hold on tight around my waist."

I did as instructed, and suddenly the wind was rushing through my hair and the ground was dropping away, and I was soaring through the sky with the man I loved. I gasped and clutched Remus even tighter.

I'd been worried that broom handle would be uncomfortable to sit on, but just the opposite was true. It felt like there was no broom at all, that Remus was soaring through the air on his own with me clinging to him. It was, quite frankly, terrifying. I like to have a reassuringly solid fuselage around me when I'm airborne, and there was nothing reassuring about this. I looked down once, saw the ground speeding by, and immediately regretted it. It brought to mind the emergency helicopter landing of two years ago and why I'd chosen to give up that line of work. As soon as we landed, I swore to myself, I'd join Hermione, Molly and Arthur and sit out the remainder of the evening there.

"Hey, look at Kailin!"

"Great flying, Professor!"

It was a couple of the Weasley kids cheering us on as we swooped into their territory, but I wasn't about to reply. By that time, I had my face pressed into Remus' shoulder blades. We took a few sharp turns, and I moaned aloud.

"How are you doing, Kailin?" Remus called over his shoulder.

"Fine," I mumbled weakly.

He must have detected the note of desperation in my voice, because we landed soon after. I suppose the landing was smooth enough; having never landed on a broom before, I had nothing with which to compare it. All I knew was that solid ground had never felt so good. Remus stood up at once, still straddling the broom. I tried to stand, but my legs quivered. When I let go of him, I overbalanced and sat backwards on the ground with a little squeal. Immediately, he hoisted me to my feet.

"Are you all right?"

"I think," I said shakily, "that there's a very good reason I'm a Muggle."

"So this was your first and last broom ride, I take it?"

"You take it correctly. I'll stick to airplanes from now on."

Remus laughed and hugged me to him. Suddenly, the whole thing seemed hilariously funny. I joined in his laughter, and when the laughter subsided, we were looking at each other with broad smiles on our faces and an almost painful longing in our eyes. "How long do you plan to remain here at the Burrow?" he asked.

"Molly said to stay as long as I needed to, but I really think I'm ready to go home."

"How did you get here? Train?"

"Yes."

"I doubt there's another train tonight," Remus said, glancing at the sky the same way I'd look at my watch.

"Even if there was, I'd still have to get a cab from the village into Feniton. Heaven knows how long that would take."

"How was your first broom ride, Kailin?" Arthur asked eagerly as soon as we'd returned to the house.

"Nerve-wracking," I said fervently, and Hermione Granger laughed aloud.

"Now you see why it's not my favorite activity," she told me.

I told Molly that I would be leaving in the morning, and she nodded agreement.

"Of course. Now wasn't it better spending a few days here than being shut up in the city?"

I laughed. "The perfect cure. I heartily recommend it."

* * *

As we'd arranged, Remus met me at noon the next day at London Waterloo Station. His face lit up when he spotted me, and it gave me enormous pleasure to bring joy to him merely by being present.

"Rather like déjà vu, isn't it?" he commented as I walked up. "Isn't this when your knapsack

starts spilling things and I stop to help you pick them up?"

"Wrong station," I quipped. "The only thing you need to pick up is me."

"Gladly. May I carry your completely intact knapsack for you, miss?"

"Absolutely." I swung the bag off my shoulder and we kissed briefly.

"What's in the other bag?" Remus asked, eyeing the bulging tote bag I held in my left hand.

"Molly packed up a bit of food for me in case I starved between Devon and London. And when I told her that we were going to meet for lunch and discuss the future, she felt compelled to cater it."

Remus chuckled. "I should have known. Molly's a dear, isn't she?"

"She certainly is," I said, smiling fondly at the memory of Molly Weasley bustling around her kitchen that morning, still excited over my engagement. "I think she probably packed enough to feed an army, though. I doubt I'll have to shop or cook for a week."

We found a taxi outside the train station and headed for my flat. The previous evening, Remus and I had decided that as soon as I returned to London, we would sit down and begin making plans for the future. The two of us had already given careful consideration to the commitment we were making, and I wanted to extend that to the details of our life together. I was no starry-eyed nineteen year old, worried more about what wedding dress I should buy than the practical aspects of marriage.

The flat, when we arrived, was warm and stuffy and littered with abandoned tissues.

"Oops," I said guiltily. "I forgot. I didn't pick up before I left. I was in rather a hurry. Here, if you'll open the windows and get things aired out, I'll start decontaminating the place."

"Not to worry." Remus whipped out his wand, muttered something Latin-sounding, and the Kleenexes vanished into thin air.

My eyes widened. "Can I assign you the cleaning chores from now on?"

"Absolutely. I live to serve."

Ten minutes later, there was a pleasant breeze blowing through the flat as Remus and I sat around the dining table, hunched over a legal pad and nibbling on Molly's Welsh rarebit.

The first issue, that of me getting a work permit and a job, was not something that particularly worried me. Nursing shortages were a worldwide phenomenon, and it was more than likely that British authorities were eager to assimilate well-credentialed foreign nurses into their ranks. I recalled ads from my travel nursing days, offering good salaries and other enticements to anyone willing to work outside the States. I had even, I told Remus, glanced at the London job openings on several occasions during the past few months, mostly because I was curious to see what British nurses with my education and experience were earning. I should be able to support the two of us with little effort, I told him, and watched carefully to gauge his reaction.

Remus nodded, eyeing the Welsh rarebit with far more scrutiny than it deserved. "I wish it didn't have to be that way. I'd much rather be the one to support you," he said, not meeting my eyes.

"I know," I said gently. "And someday, if conditions in your world change, that may happen. Meanwhile, I'm happy to work, I don't mind working, and I don't know what I'd do if I was idle, to be honest. There's more work in a relationship than what you do to earn a salary. I wasn't kidding about the cleaning chores."

He grinned at me, and we moved on to other issues. By the time lunch was over, we'd decided to keep what remained of my bequest from Marvy in the bank, earning interest, waiting to be used as a down payment on a house. Meanwhile, we would start searching for a permanent flat to lease. Where we lived hinged largely on where I managed to find work, Remus told me. He could live anywhere, since it was simple enough to Apparate or take the Floo wherever he needed to go. As long as he could meet up with the Order at their meetings, all would be well.

Out of curiosity, I asked him what he would do if the discrimination which dogged him was gone. I was sure that Remus had long ago banned 'what-ifs' from his life as depressing and unproductive, but I was curious to hear his answer.

"Teach again," he said immediately, and I was astonished to see the mask of resignation, the look of Sorry-For-Wanting-Something-That's-Impossible, drop so abruptly over his features. "Or write. I think I would like to write."

"Write? Really? What would you write?" I asked, intrigued.

"I'd possibly do something along the order of editing textbooks, I suppose."

"What about fiction? Don't witches and wizards read stories?"

Remus smirked. "Our reading material is rather insular, I'm afraid. To be honest, I prefer Muggle fiction."

I burst out laughing. "Then write Muggle fiction, why don't you?"

He joined in the laughter, already shaking his head. "I don't know. It's not quite me, I'm afraid."

"Hmm." I rested my chin in my hands, staring at him. "What about non-fiction? I'm not talking about textbooks. Why don't you write about the war?"

"Write about the war?" Remus seemed as startled as if I'd asked him to waltz down the street in a tutu.

"Why not? Don't people want to know about it?"

"To be honest, they'd much rather forget it exists. Denial was the official line up until the beginning of the summer. There is no denying it, now that people are dying."

I shrugged. "There you go then. You're in the Order of the Phoenix, you taught Harry Potter, and you were best friends with his dad and godfather, not to mention Peter Pettigrew. You're in the ideal position to write about it."

Remus wore a bemused smile on his face. "Why not just paint a large target on my head, Kailin? One that says 'Death Eaters Aim Here'?"

"Oh," I said, sheepishly. "A retrospective then. You could start working on it now and have it virtually done by the time the war ends."

"Perhaps." Remus still looked unconvinced, but I had a feeling that I'd planted a seed, one that might in time bear fruit.

Other issues rose and fell. Household chores would be Remus' responsibility, although we'd both take turns with cooking and do our own laundry. Children? Two, when the war was over and life was safe once more. As for the wedding itself, we decided not to set a date until I had more information about when I would be gainfully employed. That left just one more thing.

"We talked about being together during the full moon," I said, feeling suddenly awkward. "Would you like to move in with me?" I asked.

Remus studied me, and I wondered if he was weighing this as carefully as the decision to marry.

"For the time being," he agreed cautiously. "I don't want to give up my just room yet, for I'll have to go back on the waiting list if it doesn't work out for us for some reason."

I nodded. "I understand."

That afternoon, Remus collected some of his things from his furnished room. I went along, curious to see what the Ministry of Magic deemed acceptable welfare housing. It was a sad experience: not because Remus was unhappy to leave the Ministry-funded rooms, but because of the people who had to remain behind. The occupants of the welfare hotel stared at us hungrily, just as orphans would regard the one who was adopted.

There were all sorts who lived there, I discovered: other werewolves like Remus, wizards and witches addicted to their Firewhiskey, those more than a bit out of touch with reality. My heart broke when I saw the tiny room where Remus lived and the communal bath he'd had to share – not so much because he'd lived in such conditions, but because he was so perfectly willing to go back to it if I was unable to cope with what he was.

The rest of the day was spent making room for Remus' belongings, precious few though they were. We talked at length about what sort of flat we should look for, how we should furnish it, our likes, our dislikes, our idiosyncrasies. The evening was lighthearted and pleasant, and I decided that it was largely because tonight, for the first time, the specter of the werewolf wasn't hanging poised to destroy our relationship.

We were both nervous when bedtime came. And yet, when we lay curled together in the bed and the gentle summer breeze played over us, I knew that we were exactly where we were supposed to be.