Step Four. Love Him in Every Single Way

Step Four. Love Him in Every Single Way

Disclaimer: All characters and concepts of Harry Potter's universe belong to J.K. Rowling; I just borrowed them for a little while.

This chapter was slightly inspired by three songs I love: "Salvation" by Roxette, "She's Like the Wind" from Dirty Dancing's soundtrack, and "I Don't Know How to Love Him" from Andrew Lloyd Weber's Jesus Christ Superstar. Anything you recognise from those songs, or looks familiar, belongs to the authors.

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"Severus, stop it. I know exactly how to stir the brew and when to add the ingredient. This potion is my creation, remember?"

"I am perfectly aware of it, Hermione, but your creation is an extremely dangerous potion; if something is done incorrectly, the result will be disastrous."

"I'm not Neville. I think I can do this potion without invoking a catastrophe." She turned to add the last ingredient, three drops of unicorn's blood. Suddenly, the potion started bubbling violently and seemed ready to explode. Severus pulled her away from the cauldron and turned to protect her with his own body immediately, fearing an explosion, but it never came. The potion stopped bubbling, and it took on a pearlescent colour with a light shade of blue.

Both turned back to look into the cauldron. "Severus, look! It has the expected colour and consistency. We did it."

"No, you did it. This is your creation, your achievement. I'm proud of you."

She turned to face him; his compliment was so spontaneous and different from all he had ever given her. It was a rare treat for him to offer something like that, and when she looked into his eyes, she saw a spark that made her shiver. She loved his eyes; completely black, they reflected her image perfectly. They reflected her sparkling eyes as she looked at him with a feeling that she experienced only with him.

They looked at each other intently, not daring to look away. He reached out with his hand to brush away a lock of hair on her face, caressing her cheek gently in the process. Hermione closed her eyes, and he leaned down, lightly touching her lips with his. It was only a light touch, and he realized that he was tentatively tracing her lips with tenderness he had never used in his life. Nor had he experienced such softness. Her lips were soft and sweet, exactly the way he had imagined in countless nights of dreaming. Severus got lost in the moment. This simply felt right to him, and he blissfully avoided any logical thought, choosing to just focus on the woman he was kissing. When Hermione parted her lips slightly and started teasing his mouth open with her tongue, it was as if he suddenly realised who they were and what they were doing. He stepped back, retreating from her, afraid of the emotions he was feeling.

"Don't," Hermione said, stepping forward in an attempt to kiss him again. He placed his hands on her upper arms to stop her.

"Hermione, stop. We cannot do this. I apologise for taking advantage of the moment and doing something so inappropriate. This will never happen again."

"Why? It seems to be that we both wanted that kiss, so I fail to see the inappropriateness of it. Besides," she said, lowering her voice in an attempt to be seductive, "I have never enjoyed a kiss like that before."

His eyes widened at her admission, but he rapidly hid behind his cold façade. "It is inappropriate in many ways. Let's start by pointing out that you are my apprentice, and you owe me respect by being in that position. Secondly, you are my former student, and we cannot cross that line no matter what. Besides, I am almost twenty years older than you. And finally, we do not share a relationship that merits this kind of behaviour."

That remark hurt her deeply. It reminded her that they were nothing more than master and apprentice despite the fact that they had came closer to each other. And they were nothing more because he wouldn't let her close to him, always withdrawing when she tried to take a step forward. After the night she had told him that those dinners they'd been having were dates, he had avoided going out with her for three weeks until she confronted him about it. He'd reluctantly agreed to start their weekly dinners again, unwilling to show her how much he cared about their meaning.

"I see." She turned away to check her potion. It was indeed perfect, but all the excitement about it had faded away after what he'd told her. She proceeded to bottle the pearlescent liquid while avoiding his gaze.

He knew he'd been harsh, but he couldn't help it. He just had to back away when he felt that his emotions were taking control of him. "Hermione, you have to understand that..."

"I understand perfectly. You have been very clear about it. If you don't mind, I'll leave now that the potion is finished. I'm exhausted, and I want to rest." Without waiting for his answer, she turned to leave the dungeons before her emotions ran too high. She was feeling frustrated and angry. He always retreated when she tried to get closer to him, both physically and emotionally. She couldn't comprehend why she always tried again and again despite his attitude. The only thing she'd hoped was that, at the end of the way, she would find something special, something precious, and something she had been looking for all the while.

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Later that day, Severus was thinking about what had happened with Hermione. She was definitely angry with him after he turned her away again, but there was nothing he could do about it. He was aware of the fact that he had feelings for her, although he could not put a name on them, being that they were completely foreign. All he knew was that his feelings were intense. He knew that he enjoyed her company and wanted to be with her every free moment. He felt an overwhelming need to protect her from anything that could harm her and wanted to keep sadness away from her. In his opinion, she was the most beautiful witch alive, and he would give her the world if she asked for it with that beautiful smile. Above all that, he wanted so badly to see her happy. Were all these emotions love? He was uncertain, as he'd never felt the same feelings for anyone else. He had never been shown how to love someone else; he had no idea what it was like to feel such unconditional and overwhelming emotion. What did it matter anyway? Certainly, it was impossible to have anything develop with her.

I am just a fool to believe I have anything she needs. She is simply out of my reach. Who am I trying to fool anyway? She will never look at me in that way. That kiss was nothing; she was feeling elated because of her success with the potion, and she just went with the moment. Besides, she likely just misses having contact with someone else. Her relationship with Krum had been a long one, and she'd ended it several months ago. That had to be it. She just misses the feeling and took advantage of my weakness.

He was taken out of his reverie when he heard a knock at his door. He knew perfectly well who was on the other side. "Come in, Albus."

The older wizard entered into his chambers and joined him in the spare chair front of the fire. "How did you know it was me?"

"Come on, Albus! Who else could be here seeking my agreeable company?" he asked, the last words dripping with sarcasm.

"I don't know. Your apprentice perhaps?"

Severus snorted. "Certainly not."

"Why not? It seems to me that you are getting along fine. You are even calling yourselves by your first names, and I saw you smiling at her the other day."

"That means nothing. Besides, at some point, we were meant to call each other by our first names. We will be colleagues soon, and it would be odd to keep on calling her Miss Granger."

"Are you certain? One would think that you like her more than you dare admit. Maybe you have developed stronger feelings for each other."

"Stop right now. You don't know what you are talking about. You can't come here and start presuming to know better than others about their own feelings, especially about mine. She's just a girl that would have nothing to do with me, and she certainly hasn't developed stronger feelings for me."

"And you think that you know better than her?"

"Please, Albus, don't try to see what's not there. She always hated me when she was my student. I accept that we have achieved a better understanding of each other now that she is my apprentice, but it does not mean anything else. Have you looked at me? I am too old for her, and I am far from being an attractive man. She deserves better than me. Besides, only a small part of myself seems to have the ability to feel. I refuse to open that to her and risk losing it. Rejection would destroy it."

"So it is true; you have feelings for her."

"Enough. I will not have this conversation with you or anyone else. If I have feelings for her, it is a matter that only concerns me, and rest assured that fact will never be known by anyone else."

"Don't you think she deserves to know how you feel? Maybe you would be surprised."

"She will never know. I will not let that happen. Now, if you would kindly leave, I have things to do."

Albus rose from his seat, looking at the younger wizard sadly. "Very well, Severus. I will leave you so you can resume your activities, but think about what we were discussing. Do not lose a chance to be happy by being so selfish and believing you know her feelings better than her or better than love."

"Good night, Albus."

"Good night, Severus."

Severus didn't move his gaze from the fire. He would not let the rambling of the old man affect him. Hermione would never know about his feelings, and it would save him from having to bear her rejection.

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Ginny and Hermione hugged when they met outside of the Leaky Cauldron. They had arranged to meet there to talk about Ginny's upcoming wedding with Harry. The couple were planning to get married in October, and the red-haired witch was talking excitedly about the how the preparations were going. Hermione smiled at her, eyes tinged with sadness. When Ginny noticed her friend's melancholy mood, she regarded her thoughtfully, wondering if the cause of her state was what she thought.

"What's wrong, Hermione? You smile and nod to me, but your mind is miles away from here. You look sad. It's about Snape, right? Tell me what's going on."

Hermione sighed heavily, trying to find the words to explain what she felt. She didn't intend for Ginny to notice her sadness and spoil their conversation with remarks about her feelings. Of course, her friend knew about her feelings, as they had discussed them before. At the beginning, the idea had disturbed Ginny, as she didn't want to think about her former professor with her friend in that way, but she understood how Hermione felt.

"I can't do this anymore, Ginny. He keeps on moving one step back every time I take one forward. I have tried to show him how I feel, how much I want to be with him, but he remains unchanged. He has placed a line between us that I can't cross."

"Remember what I told you when you confessed your feelings for him?" Hermione nodded, and Ginny continued, saying, "I told you that I have never seen you like that before, not even in all the time you'd spent with Viktor. You have found what you were looking for, your true love. You can't just give up so easily."

"I'm not giving up. I wish it were that simple. This is not like a difficult task that I can take apart and put back together until I find the correct answer. I love him so much that my heart is breaking slowly because of his indifference. I can't keep on doing this to myself. I can't just stay there and watch how the love I have craved for so long slowly dies or starts to turn bitter. In the beginning, I thought that it was just that he didn't know how to love someone back, but now, I don't know. What if it is that he can't love ME back? I couldn't bear that. It makes my urge to fight for him waver. Can you understand that?"

Ginny sighed. Certainly it was hard to understand, and it didn't make sense at all until she thought on it rationally. But she knew Hermione. Her friend never ran away from a difficult situation or dropped a task just because it seemed to be impossible. No, stubborn as she was, she would rack her brain looking for an answer or a positive outcome until she found something. This time seemed different. Hermione seemed defeated. It was a matter of the heart, and stubbornness would only make it worse. Ginny could see that and see how trying to force her affections on him would only break Hermione's heart, as he would likely push her even further away.

"I see your point, Hermione. What will you do about it? You have to stay at Hogwarts to take the Potions post, and you'll have to face him everyday."

"I won't stay. I just can't stay if I mean nothing to him."

"I wish I had something to tell you that could make you feel better or to help you somehow, but it seems that you are definite about this matter. I won't press you about it. Just think about it again so you can be absolutely sure about your decision."

"I know. It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, but I think it's for the best. I don't know how I'll do this and get away without my heart being broken."

"You'll be fine, and I think that you're right. You can't keep on doing this to yourself."

"Thanks, Ginny. You're the only one that knows about this, and your support means a lot to me."

"Anytime, Hermione."

They hugged again, and Hermione couldn't stop a tear from spilling down her cheek, knowing that her decision was the appropriate one, though not an easy one.

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After a couple of hours of hard work, they finally finished revising all the required documents that certified her as a qualified Potions mistress. It was officially over. Her apprenticeship was finally reaching its end.

"Well, Hermione, we only have to owl this to the Ministry so they can register you in their records."

"That's great." She was feeling terribly uncomfortable, knowing that it was the time to tell him about her decision. She had been avoiding that moment for the few days since she'd had a conversation with the Headmaster, and he'd reluctantly agreed. Where's your acclaimed Gryffindor courage? You have to do this. You know that no one else will tell him, and you promised to do it yourself.

"Severus, I'm leaving tomorrow morning."

He turned to watch her intently, trying to find a second meaning in her words. What is she playing at? "I beg your pardon?"

She sighed heavily in an attempt to steady her heartbeat and muster the courage she had been looking for the whole afternoon. "The apprenticeship is over, and I have no reason to stay at Hogwarts."

"Do not be silly. You have to stay. The purpose of this apprenticeship was for you to take my place teaching Potions. You cannot just walk away."

"I'm sorry, but I really have to go."

"Typical! Once again I am witnessing the so-called Gryffindor courage. You have not even started with your teaching duties, and you are already running away from them."

"How dare you talk to me like that? You don't even know my reasons for leaving."

"Your reasons? What reasons could you possibly have to run away?" He was starting to get a little desperate; she seemed to be serious about that leaving nonsense.

"I can't stay here. Don't you see it? Are you so blind that you can't see why?" Hermione's voice was strong and determined; only someone who knew her well enough would have heard the hint of sadness threatening to seep in. She couldn't stay if he couldn't love her back. It would be torture.

She'd thought that there was something there; she had hoped for it desperately. But he was always on guard around her, never letting her truly know him as a lover should. She'd started falling in love with him a few months after breaking up with Viktor, and when he'd kissed her, she'd fully realised her feelings. After that, she believed that he could come to love her despite the fact that he'd continued to withdraw from her. She believed that he would eventually let her in and that they would discover that he too shared that feeling she craved. However, people rarely changed, and her desires were nothing but dreams.

"What are you talking about, Hermione? What am I supposed to see?" He was starting to feel uneasy. If he was right, he knew exactly what she was talking about, and he had to admit that it scared him.

Her eyes widened at his questions. He even had the nerve to ask it, the bastard. She had been pretty obvious about her feelings for him, trying to get closer to him, trying to treat him tenderly. Gods, she had even flirted with him a few times. Severus was an intelligent man; he should have noticed, and if he was asking her these questions, it was clear that he was feigning ignorance in an attempt to not hurt her feelings.

"It really doesn't matter at all. I have spoken with the Headmaster to let him know my thoughts about this, and he understands my reasons. He is considering hiring a foreign Potions master, so you don't have to worry about the Defence post. You'll get it anyway."

Severus was speechless. She had even spoken with Dumbledore before telling him about her decision to make sure that nothing could stop her from leaving Hogwarts, from leaving him. He would certainly hex the bloody man for accepting her plan.

He was sitting there, looking at her with his cold gaze and not saying a word. In her mind, that could only mean that it was over, that he had nothing to say or didn't object. Hermione took advantage of his silence to say her farewell. "I can never thank you enough for the opportunity you gave me and for everything you have taught me during all these years. I would have loved to teach here, but I just can't stay, not like this." She walked to the door before addressing him again, not daring to face him, knowing that if she looked into his eyes all her resolve would waver. "I still have packing to do, so I'm leaving now. I'm not sure if I'll see you tomorrow. That's why I wanted to say goodbye right now. Take care of yourself, Severus."

She had wanted to say more, wanted to tell him that she loved him like she had never loved anyone before, but her tears were threatening to spill. She didn't want to break down in front of him. When she reached the door, knowing that it was over, something happened. She barely heard it, but it wasn't her imagination. There was a barely audible whisper from the man she loved.

"Hermione, please, don't leave me. Stay."

Hermione turned to face him, no longer battling with the tears in her eyes and letting them run down her cheeks freely. She struggled to find her voice and asked him, hoarse with emotion, "Why?"

He didn't answer her. What could he tell her? That he loved her? He didn't even know if he did. He grimly watched her while trying to find the right words.

"Severus, give me a reason to stay."

Silence. He remained there paralysed, not knowing what to do. He wasn't prepared for this, never having to confess his feelings before.

"Damn it! Talk to me. Open yourself to me."

"I cannot. I don't know how to do it, how to cope with it." He rose from his chair behind the desk and walked around to stand in front of her, his emotions threatening to unleash. "Do you know how much it scares me to be unable to recognise myself? To know that my fate lies in your hands and that I am at your mercy? Do you know how overwhelming it is?" He turned to walk away from her, realising that he had lost all control and said too much.

She looked at him incredulously. She never expected that reaction from him, and it was too much. He might feel the same for her, and he was fighting it because he couldn't bear her rejection. She had to do something, and the best course of action was to be completely honest.

"I know how you feel." He turned to face her in disbelief. "I know it because I feel the same for you. It's supposed to be that way, overwhelming." She walked to him hesitantly. "Severus, you'll never know love unless you surrender to it."

"I cannot open myself to something I do not know."

"Just tell me; tell me how you feel."

He turned away from her again, trying to hide. She came to stand beside him and placed her hand carefully on his arm. He reluctantly turned to face her and barely suppressed a gasp. She looked so vulnerable and so open that he could see her feelings plainly on her face. Their eyes locked; her brown ones bright with emotion and unshed tears, his black eyes dark and full of passion. When she whispered with a choked voice, "Severus, please," that was his undoing. He embraced her, knowing it was right and that there was nowhere else he wanted to be or anyone else he wanted to be with.

"I cannot do that. I cannot open for you and let you see who I am. You will loathe me, loathe the man I was and the terrible things I have done in my past. I was one of the Dark Lord's favourites. He asked me to do so many things, and I had to do them to avoid raising suspicions. You deserve better than me." He stepped back and eyed her. In that instant, he felt something snap. Why deny what he felt? He held her close again, talking softly into her hair, "I know you should have someone better, but selfish as I am right now, I do not care. I want you. Every time I look into your eyes, the horrors of my past diminish. If I'd allow it, you could bring out the best in me even though no one, including myself, believes there is still something good left."

"I could never loathe you. I'm not fool. I know what you have done in your past, but I can't put all the blame on you. You did what you had to do." She pulled herself from his embrace to look directly into his eyes and placed a finger on his lips to prevent him from answering. "Don't try to push me away, not again." With that, she removed her finger and raised her head, brushing his lips with hers in a tender kiss. She pulled back only to look into his eyes again, trying to convey how she felt. "I love you, Severus, the good and the bad."

It was enough for him; the last little thread of control he held broke instantly. He knew she was honest, and he decided to not allow the worry of his dark past to force him to push her away. He tightened his embrace and pulled her closer before starting to kiss her deeply, desperately. Something was set free inside him, and he gave himself willingly to his emotions and his desires. He wanted her more than anything he'd ever wanted in his life. His hands started moving; one moved through her brown hair while the other moved along her side and through her robes until it rested on her waist. Her hands were also exploring his body, one tracing the contours of his face while the other slid over his chest.

She pulled back again and looked at him, breathless from their passionate kiss. Without thinking, just feeling, she said, "I want you. I need you."

Without waiting for further invitation, he lifted her into his arms and kissed her again while carrying her to his chambers. He entered and deposited her on the edge of his bed and sat beside her. Before resuming their kissing, he confessed to her, "I have wanted this, dreamed about this for so long."

"I have wanted this also. You can't imagine how much." And with that admission, she pulled him down with her as they kissed, lying against the mattress of his bed. A part of her wanted this more than anything, but another part wondered if it was too soon. After all, she had just admitted her feelings aloud for the first time, and he had kind of admitted the same, though he hadn't repeated the words. In the end, the only thing that mattered was that this felt right to her, that she belonged to him, and that there was no better place for her than his arms.

He gently caressed her body, knowing what he wanted, knowing that this was no illusion and that she was there with him. What amazed him most was the woman in his arms. She was actually giving herself willingly to him after confessing that she loved him. He slowly started undoing the clasps of her robes, exposing her shirt beneath. He moved his hands to slowly caress her breasts through the fabric while she fumbled with his countless buttons.

She broke the kiss to whisper in a husky and slightly annoyed voice, "Honestly, am I a witch or what?" With that stated, she grabbed her wand from the robes beneath her, and with a whispered spell, his robe disappeared revealing a white linen shirt. He couldn't help but to laugh at her remark, finding it amusing the way she'd admonished herself. "Much better," she mumbled, smiling at him briefly before resuming her kissing and attacking the buttons of his shirt.

They worked with the buttons of their respective clothing until both shirts were completely open. Deftly, he unfastened her bra, caressing her breasts again, and this time it was skin against skin. They didn't break their kiss until it was necessary for them to breathe. He looked into her eyes, pinning her with the intensity of his gaze, and caressed her face while moving a strand of hair from her face. "Are you sure about this, Hermione? If we continue, I will not let you go away from me...ever."

"And people say I talk too much." She laughed at his startled expression and answered his question. "Yes, Severus, I'm sure about this. I have never been surer about anything in my life. And know this: I'm not planning to go anywhere or letting you go by any means."

It was all he needed to know before he started kissing her again, this time more urgently and nearly ripping her skirt in an attempt to get it off. She helped him by unzipping her skirt and raising her hips, letting him it slip down to where he pulled it from her legs and tossed it to the floor. She did a better job opening his trousers, and with a little help from him, they were quickly wearing only their lower underwear. He spread her legs slightly while settling between her thighs and kissed his way down from her mouth to her neck and to her breasts. He continued kissing, laving, and sucking her nipples while she buried her hands in his hair and arched her body to rub it against his. His hands moved down, tracing the soft skin of her abdomen, the contour of her belly button, and her knickers. She was so beautiful and so perfect, and it wasn't only because of her body, it was that courage and intelligence she possessed that made her completely delectable. She had an air of confidence that made her completely irresistible to him.

If Hermione thought she had felt strong and overwhelming emotions before, nothing could be compared to what she felt in his arms with his body pressed against hers. She wanted to give him everything: her body, her mind, and her feelings. Even after that, it would not be enough. His tongue kissing her breasts, his fingers teasing her entrance...it was too much for her. She pulled him up for a kiss just after he removed her knickers. Between kisses and with a breathy voice, she told him what she wanted. "I need you now."

Severus thought there was nothing more enticing than her voice full of passion, her eyes dark with desire, and her love reflecting in her expression. "You are so beautiful." He moved to comply with her desires and removed his boxers before positioning himself to enter her. Her legs wrapped around his waist, and when he was fully sheathed inside her, they looked at each other for a long moment. In silent agreement, they began moving rhythmically in a perfect synchrony that made it seem as though they had done it forever and that they were meant for each other. They caressed each other, not daring to break their gaze, his hand squeezing her breasts, teasing her nipples as he thrust into her. He started slowly while their bodies moulded together, but with every passing moment, he quickened his pace, deepening his penetration, wanting to fill her and make her feel complete.

She clung to his back, tracing its muscles while she moved her hips upward to meet his thrusts. When the emotions and the sensations he elicited from her were too much, she laid her head against his pillow, moaning incoherently, feeling her building orgasm. He moved down to kiss her neck, her shoulder, and her collarbone while feeling the same tension building in his own body. When her body started convulsing and tightening with pleasure, she came and called his name. He kissed her lips, still pounding into her, knowing that he would follow her soon. After some frantic strokes, he also came, collapsing over her, holding her tightly, and never wanting to let her go.

Their lovemaking was so intense that sleep rapidly claimed both. He watched her through tired eyes, taking in her beautiful sleeping face, the peaceful rise and fall of her chest while breathing, and realised in that instant that he finally knew what love was.

Lorraine's Notes: It could seem that Hermione was giving up or that it was a trick to force him into taking the next step. She's not that cunning, and I don't consider her as someone who would give ultimatums. But I also don't see her as a passive woman who is willing to wait unconditionally for what she wants. She was fighting for him and trying, but after seeing no response, she just decided to stop hurting herself.

I really wanted to hex Snape until he got some good sense and realised what he was doing. He was so bloody stubborn and gave me a hard time, but at the end he did the right thing.

I want to thank Southern Witch, who did a great job beta reading this chapter.

Southern's Notes: It's about time he gets his head out of his arse, eh? Hehe.