Clawing My Eyes Out
ladyofthemasque11 Reviews | 6.18/10 (11 Ratings, 0 Likes, 12 Favorites )
Please Read & Review. It'll make a nice eulogy for after I drop dead from the shock of writing and submitting this travesty of murdered prose...
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About ladyofthemasque
Author
ladyofthemasque
Member Since 2005 | 37 Stories | Favorited by 1,485 | 368 Reviews Written | 1,311 Review Responses
I have to apologize to everyone, period. Real life swallowed me whole, as I have been struggling to make a living writing original fiction over the last 8 years. It has not been easy, & has been complicated by health issues. I hope people can forgive my long silences. Trying to make enough money to live on from writing is a lot harder--waaaay harder--than it looks. (At least I didn't leave any posted fanfics unfinished.)
Anyhoo...
These stories are works of parody (& thus are allowable under US law), and are not written for profit. Just for fun. I'm not making any money off of any fanfics, nor will I ever. I'm just playing around in other writers' universes.
...I am, however, making something of a living off my own stories. (If anyone wants to play around in my universes, you may visit my website, www.jeanjohnson.net, and look up my policy on Fanfics & Fanarts. It's reasonable enough and fairly easy to follow, too...)
~Lotm
Reviews for Clawing My Eyes Out
Can't... breathe... too... much... nonsense! 
I have tears streaking my face. I was laughing so hard I had to use a handkerchief to not spit on the keyboard and screen. 
Response from ladyofthemasque (Author of Clawing My Eyes Out)
Your hygienic caution is no doubt appreciated by your local computer guru-techs...though I suppose they could've used the money, had you short-circuited anything via spittle...Lol, that one was a trip, wasn't it? I wanted to do the Ho!mione challenge in 100 words, but the requirement was a minimum 1,000, and it just seemed that the remaining 900+ had to go into the author's notes...so they did. Muahahahahah!*hugs*~Lotm
Response from ladyofthemasque (Author of Clawing My Eyes Out)
Your hygienic caution is no doubt appreciated by your local computer guru-techs...though I suppose they could've used the money, had you short-circuited anything via spittle...Lol, that one was a trip, wasn't it? I wanted to do the Ho!mione challenge in 100 words, but the requirement was a minimum 1,000, and it just seemed that the remaining 900+ had to go into the author's notes...so they did. Muahahahahah!*hugs*~Lotm
poor house elves, they never get any smutty fun!
Response from ladyofthemasque (Author of Clawing My Eyes Out)
I did write a house-elf smutty story. Ron/Winky. (And no, it's not what you think.) It's posted at RestrictedSection.org, "Bald is Beautiful Baby", and it was solely the result of a challenge-fic. Otherwise...*shuddersquick*
Don't say I didn't warn you...
Oh wow.
*can't think of anything to say in response to this*
That was really bad. But you know, I have actually read a lot of stories that start like that.
Good job!
Response from ladyofthemasque (Author of Clawing My Eyes Out)
I. Know. 
Hugs & thanks,~Lotm
Now, you know how much I love 100-word challenges. A 100-word parody of a challenge is a thousand times better. And if that doesn't pardon you from 1000-words, I don't know what does. *wink* (Though, if you let me borrow the cabin boy for a weekend, I will pardon anything. I need someone to ...um ...swab the decks. Yeah, that's it.
Response from ladyofthemasque (Author of Clawing My Eyes Out)
What happened to your own cabin boy, O Piratess of Prose?? ~Lotm (This is not the missing cabin boy you are looking for...move along...move along...)
Response from notsosaintly (Reviewer)
Weeeelllll... see, it's like this. The poor boy is all tuckered out. Lacks stamina he does. If you know an *ahem* enhancing spell ... mm, not that kind; he's fine there ... I'd be more than obliged. *wink*
I'm sorry to dissapoint, but I didn't have the urge to claw my eyes out. I liked your 100 word parody, but my favorite was the author's responses... *giggle*
Can't wait until the next plot-puppy bites you!
GG
That was cute. I actually liked the author answer section it was funny trying to imagine what they would have been replying to.
Response from ladyofthemasque (Author of Clawing My Eyes Out)
That's why I left 'em as mere responses, allowing the readers' imaginations to run wild with what they were responding to! Hugs, ~Lotm
This story is terrible! Not to meantion unrealistic.
I'M BLIND!!!! I'M BLIND!!!!That was horrible, and I should beat you for it.I fell out of my chair I was laughing so damn hard.And for anyone tweaking out over this review, Lotm is a friend and knows I'm kidding around.
Response from ladyofthemasque (Author of Clawing My Eyes Out)
Well, I'm sorry, but you cannot use my shovel for beating me, since I'm already beating myself with it! Go find your own!
...but you luuuurrrrrve me anyway, don't you?~Lotm
Response from Shanastay (Reviewer)
Of course I luv you. How could I not? *huggles*
ROFLMAO HELP I CAN'T BREATHE. Where the hell is my inhaler. BRB. Tamara
Response from ladyofthemasque (Author of Clawing My Eyes Out)
Breathing is best done on a continuous, steady cycle, neither too fast nor too slow, and with an adequate but not excessive supply of oxygen.That being said, I'm glad you enjoyed this one so, erm...much?~Lotm
Response from Arabella Bloodgood (Reviewer)
I went out and bought some velcro and now have my inhaler suck to my screen. lol. No joke. You guys keep me in stitches. Tamara
LOTM~ Good lord, girl, I am seriously laughing out loud. My kids are giving me looks wondering what has happened to mom, and my husband is heavily debating contacting Bellevue about that nice, eastern-facing padded room, complete with pretty white jacket with shiney buckles.Travesty of murdered prose... without proverbial functioning eyesight... virtually clawed my ocular receptors... I think I died laughing more from the intro stuff than the story, then nearly keeled over at the 100 word story. LOL.Extra points for using extraordinarily extraneous extravagant expressions.
Response from ladyofthemasque (Author of Clawing My Eyes Out)
Excellent!(I'd have responded earlier, but I've been held captive by an army of original plot-bunnies for many months, now...)What I really wanted to do with this challenge was write a 100 word drabble...but they had a 1000 word minimum. So the only thing I could do to pad the story's word-count without ruining the actually 100 word drable of 'story' was to lampoon the excessive posting-replies-to-comments-within-the-story-text thing which some authors do.~Lotm
Oh dear Lord! Rita Skeeter and Cornelius Fudge, HELLFIRE WOMAN! you just can't unread something like that.