Bollocks
Chapter 16 of 31
quaffswinegaily"Charmaine, I need you."
ReviewedBollocks
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the wayward commas.
“Charmaine.”
She drifted towards consciousness, becoming aware of the crick in her neck where she had fallen asleep against the arm of the couch.
“Charmaine!”
“What?” She groaned sleepily, feeling the comfortable weight of Severus’s head on her chest and his arm curled across her stomach. She ran languid fingers through his fine hair, breathing in his unique masculine scent.
“I need you.”
A faint smile stirred her lips.
“Charmaine, please wake up. I need you.”
“Mmhmm,” she hummed to herself, stretching.
“Oh, for the love of Circe!” Lupin grumbled. “I’m back to normal. I need you to unlock the door. Please, let me out.”
Charmaine’s eyes shot open, and she struggled to sit up, disturbing Severus in her attempts. “Remus! I’m sorry; I must have fallen asleep.”
“It’s all right. Just unlock the cage, so I can get out.”
Straightening up, she pushed Severus off her chest and with a quick flick of her wand opened the cage door for Remus. She swung her legs off the couch and sat up, making space for Remus to sit beside her, at the same time elongating the seat a little bit to create more room. Lupin plonked himself next to her, swung his legs up over the arm of the sofa, and lay flat on his back resting his head on her lap, hands folded over his belly.
“Some night, eh?”
“Not one I plan to repeat,” admitted Snape. “Lupin, you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards.”
Severus pulled a couple of twigs out of Remus's hair. He yawned then laid his head groggily against the back of the seat.
“And whose fault is that, you dork?” replied Remus.
Snape smirked.
Stretching out her legs, Charmaine leaned back against the cushions. With one hand, she ran her fingers through Lupin’s tousled hair, working quiet incantations to spell away the last of the dirt and twigs before yawning widely herself and resting her hand on Lupin’s chest.
Remus looked up at Charmaine then tilted his head back to look at Severus. “Thank you. Both of you. You’re the best.” He snuggled down a bit more, covering Charmaine’s small hand with his own. “This is just the dog’s bollocks being here with you two.”
Severus snorted.
“No, seriously. I love you guys.” Remus closed his eyes in contentment.
Charmaine draped her other arm comfortably around Snape’s shoulders. Shutting her eyes, she drifted back into sleep. “I love you guys too.”
*
“Mademoiselle Bien-Aimée.”
Charmaine woke with a start. Trying to get up from the couch, she was hampered by the entangled, slumbering bodies of her two students.
“Professor Dumbledore!”
“It appears, Miss Bien-Aimée, we have a bit of a situation to deal with here.”
Charmaine shoved the torpid wizards aside and stood up, struggling to gather her wits.
“It’s not what you think—”
“Oh, but it is, Charmaine, my dear girl.” Dumbledore gave her a thin smile. “We have a serious problem. There are Death Eaters on the school grounds.”
“No!” Alarmed, she drew her wand, ready to fight. “Where?”
Dumbledore sighed, rolled his eyes and indicated behind her.
Confused, Charmaine looked around at the young men sitting on the settee. Severus hung his head sheepishly, hiding behind his hair while Remus grinned at her and wriggled his fingers in a cheery wave. She lowered her wand.
“Them?”
“Yes, Miss Bien-Aimée. Them.” The headmaster started to pace up and down the small room in front of Lupin’s cage. “They cannot be allowed back into the school. I have to protect the other students.”
“But—”
“But, nothing, Miss Bien-Aimée. They must leave.”
“But, you knew this was going to happen. I told you Severus would take the Dark Mark. You must have made some plans for him.”
“I have to do whatever is required for the greater good. There is the reputation of Hogwarts to uphold, and the safety of the other pupils to consider.”
“You can’t do this!” she shouted. “You can’t just throw them out. Our arrangements are not completed.”
“That, my dear girl, does not concern you. I believe your assignment was to get Snape and Lupin to work together.” He paused, looking at the two young men behind her. “It appears you have done a remarkable job. Congratulations.”
Severus leaped to his feet, grabbing Charmaine’s arm and turning her to face him. “Assignment?”
“Yes, Severus,” she replied, not quite meeting his eye. “It’s complicated—”
“Fuck you and your it’s complicated,” he roared.
Holding both her shoulders, he shook her hard before releasing her abruptly. She stumbled back, landing with a thump on the couch. In an instant, his wand was out, and he was looming over her. With his wand tip under her chin, he tilted her head back. “Look at me and tell me.”
Charmaine shut her eyes and tried to turn her head away.
He grasped her chin firmly. In a threatening whisper, he reiterated his request. “Tell me.” Snape pressed his wand harder against her skin. “Tell me all of it.”
Without opening her eyes, she started to speak. Her voice was tremulous to start, but gradually steadied. “My name is not Mademoiselle Bien-Aimée. It is... it isn’t important who I am. I was sent by... I was sent by someone who knows what will happen in the future. I never met the person who organised my mission. My assignment was to ensure you and Remus Lupin worked together and became, if not friends, at least tolerant of each other.”
Opening her eyes, she gave a wan smile. “At least that worked out right.”
Snape exhaled a short breath.
“The old handkerchief is my Portkey. I was advised whoever took it from me would return it when they needed me to leave.”
Involuntarily, Snape’s hand went to the pocket containing her hanky.
He sneered. “Charming! My beloved professor, who are you, and when were you going to enlighten us about your true identity? Was it to be before or after the wolfman and the clown declared their love for you?”
“Merde! Charming... beloved! Charmaine Bien-Aimée. That’s me. No. It’s not me. It can’t be me. Bollocks! This is all wrong,” murmured the witch, scrubbing a hand down her face. “It’s supposed to be Lily Evans.”
Snape frowned. “What are you talking about? What has Lily got to do with this?”
Standing up, Charmaine pushed Severus away from her. “You need to go... now. Take Lupin and leave before I mess things up any further.”
“No. You haven’t answered my questions yet. Who are you?”
Dumbledore stepped between them. “That is enough, Snape. It is time for you to leave.” Indicating for Remus to follow him, he led Severus to the door. “One of the professors has kindly offered the use of her Edinburgh flat for the pair of you. Professor McGonagall has organised a Portkey to take you both there. Let’s go.”
“Severus,” Charmaine called as he neared the doorway. “Please, give me my hanky back, so I can go back to where I belong.”
He clenched his fist tightly around the scrap of linen. “Never,” he murmured as he turned and walked away.
A/N: The dog’s bollocks = the best thing. What’s so great about the dog’s bollocks? Ask the dog.
The clown and the wolfman is a quick nod to the 80's Scottish film Restless Natives.
sunny33 deserves extra chocolate for the beta work.
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Latest 25 Reviews for A Man's Best Friend
353 Reviews | 7.7/10 Average
Damn so he came back cured of the love that he had,but stilled loved them as a friend.I am not sure I understand how he was cured from being dead...did he not really die cause of the Blaze? I loved the story,felt a little rushed at the end,but it was supposed to be a one shot right!! Great work thanks!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Thanks for taking the time to read to the finish and review. I wrote this story three years ago, so perhaps would take more time on the ending now. Maybe one day I'll revisit it.
I think they could have been a triad. Do you ever write those stories? You would write a great one I know!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
I haven't yet. Maybe one day.
i like the older Snape and I am sure Hermione does too!!Great story!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
He matures rather well.
If he had lived would Lupin have been thier third? I would like to think so...I LOVE this story!!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Perhaps... or maybe not...
i love the way you incorporate canon and fanon!!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Thank you very much. I appreciate your reviews.
poor Severus and poor(Hermione?)
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Indeed.
I never liked Lily, a real friend would have forgiven!! I hate the fact Severus never recoved from her loss and went to his death alone on a dirty floor...Thank goodness for fan fiction!!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Fan fiction just lets us explore other options.
i was not expecting the unicorn to hurt our Severus!! I think it is for the good in the long run!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Here's hoping...
Hermione?
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Really?
Response from deedeebug95 (Reviewer)
Hahaha!
oMG, this really could have happened this way!! Poor Severus this is breaking my heart
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
It's certainly a possibility.
like the start of this!! How dare they shave Severus' hair!!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
I know. Oily and lank though it may be at times, we do love his hair.
If the professor knew how the dance went, why would she not be prepared to be kissed by Severus? It seems odd that a professor would dance this dance with a student. Obviously she has some kind of magical sight that Severus can pick up on when he touches her. Legilimins? Could they have gotten away with a kiss on the cheek? She should chastise Snotter for trapping her and Severus and taunting him right in front of a teacher. I know I need to just buck and deal with the tragedy that is Silly Lily Evens the idiot girl who has no ability to judge character and Severus Snape. I still don't like it though. F the Gryffindors. I hates them all!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
I'm sure they woudn't have let them go with just a kiss on the cheek.
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
I'm sure they woudn't have let them go with just a kiss on the cheek.
Lily is such a little airheaded dolt! She has no common sense! She knows Severus better than that! She should know he wouldn't say such a thing! And that Snotter deserves to be killed by Voldemort. The world is better off without his kind of riff raff. I know that sounds stinky, but I'm a fat, greyheaded, crotchety and cantankerous old broad so I get to say things like that. "That little whiper snaper probably smokes dope like all them other little pimply faced reprobates! All those young people are are on dope, damn it!" That's the mood I'm in and it's late. So I'd better go to bed before I do or say anything else antisocial. If you knew the week I've been having you'd understand. Some little wanker stole my car and got it impounded for driving with no licence and for possession. He also just happens to be married to my idiot, enabling daughter who makes excuses for the little A-hole. I have no idea who raised these damn kids of mine! Just freeking kill me now before I ever have to live with with any of the ungrateful leeches. I'll have bed sores and a wet diaper all the time. I could totally kick that drunk, skinny little ass of his if I wanted to, you know... he's a little putz and I weigh more than he does. All I have to do is knock him down and sit on his face until he suffocates. He just better hope I don't cough, sneeze or laugh while I'm at it! Oops! it's too late. There I went and said something else antisocial. Somebody make me go to bed! I have to work tomorrow so I can buy diapers and wipes for my spawn's babies.If you have to have kids, for the love of god don't have girls! Drama Drama Drama! I'm just warning you now. Kids are over freeking rated. It's time for sleeping pills. I can't believe how late it is and I'm still up bitching... Now you know why I read Harry Potter fan fiction. In my head magic is fixing everything right now and Snape thinks I am the sexiest thing he's ever seen!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
I hope this manages to take you away from real life dramas, if only for a short time.
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
I hope this manages to take you away from real life dramas, if only for a short time.
What special gift does she have? Oooooo, I know! She must be a werewolf! No wait. She does't smell of dog. But maybe she just knows how to keep the smell away. Hmmmmm. Touching Snape's face would have been OK if he had been a 4th grader but, teenager? Does she uderstand teenage male hormone function? Or should I call it a disorder? Just kidding. When I was a girl I didn't know what not to do around boys. I don't think I got wise until my mid 30's. I'm thinking she must be at least that old, however or she wouldn't have been thinking the things she was thinking. Women at the bottom of the hill wouldn't notice such attributes. Interesting.
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Teenage male hormones... does anyone understand them?
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Teenage male hormones... does anyone understand them?
Hmmmm. She wants to let Severus know that Lupin is a Werewolf? I sincerely hope she isn't the one behind the prank that almost killed the young Severus. Why would Dumbledore want the two boys to work together? Training them for something? Are you saying that the speech on the first day of potions isn't Severus Snape's original work? I am very surprised he would use someone elses speech, but I guess if she turns out to be someone he truely admires I suppose he might use it to honor her. Maybe it caught his interest so well that it inspired him for life and he uses it hoping to inspire other young people the way he was. I guess we will find out. Black is such an arse! No wait, worse, he's a vulgar dick head. I take it we won't be super attached to Sirius Black in this story. That's fine with me. I read for the love of Severus Snape and the love of Snape/Granger romance.
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Hopefully all will become clearer as the story moves on.
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Hopefully all will become clearer as the story moves on.
Bummer! They shaved his beautiful long black hair. Hasn't the poor man suffered enough assault to his dignity? I wonder why they let him out of Azkaban for the funeral? Is it to humiliate him? Is he out of Azkaban but under house arrest with guards? It must be shocking to Hermione to see Snape sobbing. I guess you'll tell us how he survived the war. An ausicious beginning!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Thank you. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Thank you. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
This has got to be one of the most gorgeous convoluted twisty exciting mind bending epic stories I've ever read!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Thanks very much. I'm delighted you enjoyed this and appreciate you taking the time to leave a review.
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Thanks very much. I'm delighted you enjoyed this and appreciate you taking the time to leave a review.
I started reading this just before bed time, telling myself that I'd only read a chapter or two then off to bed... its now 5:30AM and I just finished! I just couldnt stop reading! I loved it. I really enjoyed every word! Great job and I look forward to reading more from you!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
I'm absolutely delighted. Thank you very much. Now, go and get some sleep!
What a fun roller coaster! Thanks for posting it where we can read it.
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
You're most welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for taking the time to stop and leave a review.
Charming story! I've definitely never read anything like it. I love the Portkey idea, and how the story flowed between the past and the present. Thanks.
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Thanks for reviewing. This was my first ever long fic. I hope you enjoyed it.
I'm not sure if I loved the story more or the A/N! Fabulous write;)
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Thanks very much. I really appreciate your review. A/N: must remember to give everyone squishy hugs for reviewing...
Thank you for a happy ending - Severus & Hermione wedded, and Remus brought back, as well as Remus finding another special person to love and share/continue a new life with! I can't believe you intended this first to be only a one shot - thank Merlin's Beard that you got carried away or we all would never have had this wonderful, creative adventure in our ff lives - big heartfelt thanks! Looking forward to more of your multi-chaptered works as well as all others!
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
It was a one shot, but the darned thing wouldn't lie down. Normally I struggle to string more than a couple of words together, so this was a bit of a one off. Thanks very much for your encouragement. Cheers, qwg
Ah-ah, Quaffie. I told you quite a few chapters back that you couldn't kill off Remus and you told me to get some new specs or something of that ilk because your prologue dictated that the lovely werewolf had shuffled off his mortal coil or pelt or whatever. Hmmmph. I'd like you to know lassie that I have 20-20 vision....and hindsight and can see through walls too. I enjoyed this ending but I secretly thought that Remus was going to end up with Harry. No??? Anyway thank you for a wonderful story. I have thoroughly enjoyed both Remus and Severus' and indeed our banter over the last few months and look forward to hearing from you again in the near future. Best wishes, Love Ali xxxxx.
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Fie on you, and your xray, 3D, perception... glasses... thingies. It was very tempting to set Remus up with Harry, or in a threesome, but Jo was looking a bit left out. And being a true Aussie sheila used to wrangling crocs and dingoes, I reckoned she'd be able to manage his scrawny, flea-bitten hide.And the bloomin' happy ending fairy took over...I'm away to sink into the slough of despond, or onto the couch, or anywhere out of this infernal summer heat. Thanks for all your edifying reviews.Cheers, qwg
So glad this was more than a one shot! I've loved every minute of it. I'm really loving this unicorn magic. You should explore it more in future stories. Beautifully written and one of my favorite fics.
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
I'm very glad you liked it. The story just kept expanding - in some part due to sunny33, who read the original, and never made a comment, but the look on her face just said 'crap ending, write some more' - so I did (but not exactly what she wanted).As for more unicorns - not sure if I trust the mutant horse much - we'll wait and see.Thanks for all your lovely reviews.Cheers, qwg
Yay for you! Your first long fic and it went out on top. This was an even better ending than expected. I have to have my happy ending, always, and I knew you would let Severus and Hermione end in that fashion, but I was so pleased to find that they were able to have their friend back, even if it was through a portrait. THEN, you went and did one better by bringing him back for real. I, for one, am pleased that this one-shot got carried away. Feel free to let that happen again ...
Response from quaffswinegaily (Author of A Man's Best Friend)
Darn! The happy ending fairy got a bit over exuberant, didn't she? I'll have to go and think up something evil she can't tamper with. I hope you enjoyed the read. Really, it shouldn't have worked - a story about a time travelling poisoner, a dead werewolf and a hard drinking wizard with memory defecit. What a load of tosh!Thanks for all your wonderful reviews, they are much appreciated.Cheers, qwg