2: Anger and Frustration

2: Anger and Frustration

"What the bloody hell do I have to do to convince you?" Harry wondered out loud for the umpteenth time, angry and frustrated after Ginny had again refused his latest attempt to mollify her.

"How about Obliviating me? That way I won't remember how you betrayed me," Ginny shot back.

"Betrayed you? I never did...I never fell in love with anyone else. It was just one of those things that happens under the stress of war. My feelings for you never changed, not one iota."

"Harry, how would you have felt if our situations had been reversed and I'd gone off to war, left you behind, slept with several blokes 'under the stress of war,' then expected you to understand and accept that they never touched my love for you, as you seem to expect me to do for you now? What if I told you I had been 'unable to help myself,' was so 'lonely and needy, no matter how much I loved you'? Could you accept those so-called explanations that you hand me? I somehow doubt it...you'd feel hurt, angry, betrayed ... just as I do now. Could you really be as forgiving and understanding as you expect me to be for you by taking you back, forgetting all you've done to me, letting you into my bed as if nothing ever happened, like you never cheated on me?"

He seemed too stunned at her outburst to speak, so that pretty much told her what she wanted to know.

"So war is a time to check your values at the door, toss them out the window when they cramp your style and are inconvenient ... but when the war is over, you think you can simply go back and pick them up again. And I still can't help thinking that you and the others all looked for the least excuse to cheat...and the 'stress of war' is as good a one as any. You basically wanted an excuse to have your cake and eat it, too. I can remember when you could scarcely speak to a girl, much less sleep around. What's more, after all I could have done during the war, even hypothetically, could you believe me when I said I loved you or feel comfortable giving yourself to me, knowing I'd been with other blokes, as you expect me to give myself to you, or believe that you love me after all you've done?

"Secondly, who were you to tell me that you wouldn't let me stay and fight? You're not my keeper, Harry...for that matter, you need a keeper yourself! You made it sound like you, Ron and 'Mione were the only ones with the right to risk your lives. And for your information, I don't need my brothers' permission any more than I need yours or even my folks'. I'm seventeen now, remember. And you have no right whatsoever to dictate my life when you can't even handle your own! Even as hot-blooded as redheads generally are, I managed to control myself, even under stress...which is more than I can say for you and certain others I could name! And don't give me that superior attitude about not doing it since November despite plenty of offers. Big deal! If you were truly sincere, you'd have found the strength to say no right from the start!"

Harry was now every bit as hurt and angry as Ginny. "Well, bully for you! You're so perfect, why don't you just get measured for a bloody halo?"

"I never said I was perfect, just that I have a modicum of self-control ... and if you ever expect me to take you back, you've got to convince me that you have it, too. Unfortunately I have a long memory, and it'll take longer than overnight for you to do so, if you ever can. I go crazy with longing for you for months on end, turning down offers right and left ... but you go your merry way, shagging virtually every witch you run across with little...if any...thought of how it might affect me should I find out, then have the audacity to expect me to forgive you!"

"Well, excuse me for being human!" Harry snapped.

"I'm human too, Mister...but I managed!" Ginny threw back. "I wanted us to be each other's first, but that obviously didn't matter one bloody bit to you. Not to any of you! How would you feel if the one you loved most shattered your most cherished dream with no more thought than stepping on a bug? And if you could cheat on me under the 'stress of war,' how do I know you won't do it under other forms of stress?"

"Gin, please listen to me. I can't take back what I did, but I love you. I always have and always will, whether you believe me or not. However many knew my body, only one has ever possessed my heart...and that's you." Harry gave her his most sincerely penitent, apologetic look, but since he had done this many times before, Ginny reacted as she had those other times.

"You should have thought of that before you let your hormones run away with you. And I first realised something was wrong when you said 'your first time' to me. Didn't you ever consider that you were giving away something that rightfully belonged to me? I waited for you. Why couldn't you have waited for me?" Her large brown eyes were full of pain and question, which hit Harry right where he lived--as well it should!

"For what it's worth, Gin, I'm truly sorry. The last thing I ever meant to do was hurt you in any way." This time Harry put his whole heart into his declaration, hoping and praying that Ginny could sense his sincerity. If she didn't believe him now, she never would.

"I also can't help wondering if you would do the same if you needed it outside of war. Would 'Mione keep you company in bed if I couldn't, such as if I were in the hospital having your baby? Especially if Ron happened to be away? You know, the 'friends with benefits' thing?"

Again, Harry was unable to answer, although something told him that it would likely happen. The problem was, Ginny guessed it and responded accordingly. "I guess that answers my question. It's too bad that you couldn't have thought to ask yourself how you would feel if you had to do the same thing you expected another person to do, especially if it was something either of you might consider objectionable or emotionally painful. And don't tell me it was 'inevitable' or that 'everybody' does it, because 'everybody' does not. I'm living proof of that!

"I also find it very hard to believe the other blokes the other women ended up with just blithely accepted the cheating as you expect me to. And it's most interesting that there 'wasn't a lot of privacy or secrets,' to quote you. What did you do, all stay together in a small settlement like at the Quidditch World Cup or something? For all I know, you even had group sex, orgies or watched others go at it ... maybe you even watched Ron and 'Mione going at it, or went at it with both of them! It frankly makes me wonder just when you had time to fight the war!"

Harry flushed, and not only from embarrassment. "It wasn't like that. Whatever else I am, I'm not that kinky!"

"But you obviously had thoughts along those lines, I feel sure of it, even if you didn't actually do it with them. For all I know, maybe you did it with Luna, Hannah, and Lavender all at once, if not with one of them and Morag! And how could 'Mione possibly think it acceptable to shag you when she knew we were engaged? You also better not tell me that our commitment mattered to you. It couldn't have, or else you'd never have done what you did. If it had meant anything at all to you, you'd have found the strength to say no. And despite your claims, you obviously didn't consider shagging during a war cheating. But I assure you, it is, no matter how you try to justify it!

"And it's almost too bad that we were engaged. It wouldn't have been so bad if you shagged while you were single and hadn't made any commitment to me. That's one thing...but for someone who's made a commitment to another, shouldn't they want to honour that commitment instead of sleeping around and trying to justify it by claiming it was done 'under the stress of war'? I guess what I'm trying to say is that it would be a lot easier to forgive you if we hadn't been engaged."

"Just the same, I would think you'd want me to be at least somewhat experienced," Harry remarked, wishing almost as he said it that he hadn't ... if only to avoid the look he got back in return.

"I do...but what I'd planned on was our getting experienced together. I guess that was too much to expect under the circumstances, though." Her tearful eyes continued to show pain and this time, reproach.

The next voice surprised her, if only momentarily. "Blame the situation, then, not Harry. He was a victim of circumstances. We all were," Hermione insisted as she joined the conversation.

"So was I, but I managed," Ginny snapped. "But would Harry truly be able to excuse me as he expects me to excuse him? And when are you two finally going to take responsibility for your actions instead of blaming them on everything but yourselves?

"How quickly you forget how you reacted when you saw Ron snogging Lavender, 'Mione. And Harry so conveniently forgets how jealous he was of me being with anyone else, how he wanted to either hex them or beat them to a pulp, yet I'm supposed to just automatically take him back, no questions asked, blithely accepting his peccadilloes and his claims that they never touched his so-called love for me, that he simply needed 'closeness' and 'release.' And I still find it hard to believe that the other blokes have the same attitude as you say Charlie does, that they didn't want to hex Harry into next year for deflowering their girls before they could. Most blokes prefer to do that themselves, as far as I know. And why should I honour our so-called 'agreement' when he didn't see fit to honour the far more important one we made together?"

This parting shot effectively rendered the other two speechless, which prompted Ginny to turn around and leave them standing there, able only to watch her walk away, unable to stop her or refute anything she said.