Chapter 6
Parody: The Amazing Potions Assistant
Chapter 6 of 6
Southern_Witch_69Disclaimer: I'm using some of JKR's characters for a bit of silly fun. No money is being made, damn it!
Thanks to my mate, ladyinthecloak, for reading this and not hexing me.
Severus was taking a shower, letting the water roll over him, as he was thinking about the day's events. They had won. Today would be known throughout the world as another Harry Potter day for wizards. Voldemort had burst through the gates with all of his followers. Hogwarts, though, was flanked on all sides, facing him defiantly.
Draco had led a group. That made Severus proud. He had always hoped the boy would prove to be better than his father. Luna had a group. Neville, of all people, had commanded a group as well. Little Susan Bones had a group, too. They were no longer seventh years to him. They were adults, willing to give their lives for the fight, just to ensure that Harry had a chance to be the one to fulfill the prophecy.
Hagrid had his half-brother giant there, who was more than willing to take out Death Eaters. Aurors, Ministry workers, parents, and staff stood behind Harry firmly. He was in charge. Dumbledore had completely passed over the reigns to this boy. And the boy had accepted it willingly, though not arrogantly. He did what needed to be done. Hermione, Ron, Dumbledore, McGonagall, and himself flanked Harry in a tight group, which made its way to Voldemort.
The battle began, but it didn't last long. Everyone from Hogwarts charged forward and began the fight. Harry had taken his potion the moment Voldemort came through. Severus smirked remembering Voldemort's arrogant, old snakey face. He thought Potter to be a child. He was not prepared. The group around Harry deflected stray hexes and made sure Harry would remain safe to face down Voldemort. Voldemort called for his Death Eaters to stop. Harry did the same for our side. Severus would never forget what happened.
"Little Harry Potter thinks he is ready to face me again, does he?" Harry had just smirked at him. Voldemort had then announced that he and Harry would duel against each other for the world to see. Hermione'd lunged forward and splashed an elixir mixture in his face. Out of reflex, he'd tried to Stun her, but Harry had simply said, "Protego!" That had protected her. It was the first time that Snape had ever seen Voldemort afraid of someone other than Dumbledore.
"You didn't use your wand!" Voldemort pointed out, frightened and surprised.
"That's right," Harry said in an eerie tone. "Didn't figure our wands would work well in a duel, so I learned to use magic without it."
Voldemort had been openly horrified, but he'd pointed his wand to Harry anyway. Then it began. Harry toyed with him for a few moments, thwarting everything that Voldemort had thrown his way. Fawkes appeared with Godric Gryffindor's sword, and Harry took it.
"You're the heir of Gryffindor!" Voldemort had screamed suddenly. "I should have known!" Then he'd yelled for his Death Eaters to fight, to kill Harry. A fight then broke out around them. Dumbledore and McGonagall had chanted something, and a protective covering flowed around Harry and Voldemort. No stray hexes could have got inside. Even if Harry had lost, Voldemort would not have got out of that circle unless Dumbledore had let him out.
Severus had been shocked to find out that Harry was the heir of Gryffindor. Dumbledore had never told him. He'd watched as Harry and Voldemort battled. Harry had remained strong while Voldemort had become weak. Harry had ended it when he plunged the Sword of Gryffindor into Voldemort. Then, something strange had happened: Voldemort fell, a light flew out of his body and hit Harry, making him fall, too.
Once everyone had seen that their hero had fallen after he'd killed Voldemort, the fighting stopped. Those Death Eaters who were left, which were not many, had quickly surrendered. Their master had been defeated. Severus had seen Hermione and Ron pitifully beating on the protective wall where Harry lay, trying to get to their mate, wailing in sorrow. Even Draco had run over to try to help to get to Harry.
Dumbledore and McGonagall had released the walls, each chanting while Hermione and Ron held Harry's lifeless body. A silvery shadow appeared. There'd been no color... except it had sparkling green eyes tinged with ruby red coloring. It'd loomed over Hermione and Ron. Severus had had to restrain himself from removing Hermione from its path. Lupin had run to Dumbledore and had given him a vial. Dumbledore had opened it while McGonagall and he still remained chanting, and he'd then taken a dab of Voldemort's blood and some of his own. He'd added them to the vial, shook it, and put it in Harry's body's mouth. An injured Flitwick had limped up and joined in the chanting. The silvery shadow slowly melded into Harry's body. Moments later, Harry had opened his eyes and grinned. His scar was still there, he was unscathed, and he appeared the same as before. Except for his eyes. Harry's eyes were still those of Lily's, but the centers had a red circle in them. Everyone went wild! Cheering to Potter the hero. The Boy Who Lived... Again.
Later, Dumbledore had explained that since they were tied by fate, one could not live while the other survived, so they had feared Harry would fall as well when Voldemort did. They'd learned and prepared their own chant to call a soul back to his body. The only problem was that remnants of Voldemort now lived in Harry. No one would ever be able to do anything to Harryever. If he wanted to rule the world, he could. He would be invincible. He had died at full height of his elixir, and when he'd come back, it had stayed strong within him. He could master non-wand magic. According to Dumbledore, the world need never fear that any part of Voldemort could take over Harry. Harry had too much love and good emotions, and that would keep Voldemort in misery for eternity. He would never resurface again.
Severus turned off his shower and got out. He was exhausted. Clad in only a towel, he walked out of his bathroom to find Hermione sitting on his bed. "I though I changed my password, yet here I have an intruder!" he said in a joking voice. "Why aren't you out celebrating?"
"I'm tired, and I wanted to come to see you," she said, smiling shyly. "And I like your new password. Hermione seems perfect."
"Indeed. I, too, am exhausted. I had just enough time to shower before I came to seek my bed," he said. Why was she looking guilty?
"Can I stay here?"
He blinked. "In my chambers?"
"Yes." She boldly stood up and walked to him. "I know you are tired. I am not asking for anything except to be near you. Would you give me that?"
"You can stay, but I must warn you: I sleep with nothing on." He smirked when she gasped. Then he opened his mouth in shock.
She unzipped her robes to reveal that she was completely naked. "Most nights I do as well."
He felt his body immediately react. He wanted her. Wanted to be in her. "It appears that I am not as tired as I previously thought."
She giggled. "I love you."
He smiled. "I love you as well."
She stepped forward and placed herself against him. "Kiss me." It was a command. He complied. She slid her hands down his chest, and he groaned. She pulled at this towel and let it drop to the floor. Though she did not look down, she said, "I am ready for bed."
Severus crushed her to him. Her warm body was plastered to his. She belonged to him. She was his. "You won't try to keep me weak and begging after you by putting potion in my face, the way you did Voldemort today, will you?" he joked.
"He deserved to have that weakening stuff thrown in his face," she said softly. "You deserve to choose on your own how you will react to me."
"Everyone knows that you are my... girlfriend now," he said, testing the word, checking her reaction. "I think I will no longer have many choices. Such as, many angry parents and Ministry officials alike will force me to resign or marry you," he said softly, kissing her cheek.
"Well, don't resign. Marry me."
"Do you love me that much?" he asked incredulously.
"Yes. I want you always. Forever."
He sighed. What had he done to be given such a chance at redemption? "I will do anything you want, Hermione. Anything."
"Make love to me, Severus. It's what I want," she said.
Oh, he could and would easily comply to this request. He lifted her up effortlessly in his arms and placed her gently on the bed. "As you wish, my love."
And so, they began to do some touching and kissing and holding and feeling on each other. This made them so hot and horny! Every time he inspected her quim, perineum, and clitoris with his expert long-fingered digits, she moaned and groaned. To her shock, he even drew rings around her anus. He was excited to notice that she was totally soaked with womanly juices. Hell, even some of it was going down her legs. Perhaps he might lap that up later. But first, he had a cherry to pop.
Snape's hard love-rod slid into her snatch deftly, firmly. She cried out, so he stilled until she moved against him to signal that she was ready to be ravished some more. He plunged and she writhed. Together they found rhythm that no one else could dare copy. Within a minute, both were panting and reaching the big O together.
It was beautiful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Epilogue Time!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hermione sniffled as Severus and she waved to their children as the last of their brood boarded the Hogwarts Express.
"There, there, wife," he said soothingly. "It's not like we won't see them at school, what with us being the headmaster and deputy headmistress now."
"It's... not... that."
"Yes, all of our little birdies have flown from the nest. We shall find ways to fill our time. I can think of plenty of pleasurable ways."
Their oldest set of twins would soon be leaving Hogwarts, and their youngest set of twins had only just started. Sevvie Junior and little Hermietta were halfway through. However, she had some news that would stun her husband.
"Severus... I'm pregnant yet again!!!"
"Eh??!!?" He gawped at her. "Impossible. I brewed the contraceptive potion for you myself."
"I've realized something," she said. "You've been adding the wrong ingredient. It's why I have so many eggs that get fertilized when you and I have sex. It's a fertility potion, not a contraceptive!"
Both Snapes Disapparated away with incredulous expressions. But at least they lived happily ever after.
FINIS... for real
AN: Hahaha... I just had to do this epilogue. It was unplanned. And I had to add in the funky sex scene, of which I've read too many similar. ~shakes head~ Also, did you notice the nightmare way he retold what happened during the final battle? How many hads do you think I used? LOL Well, you won't catch me counting them.
Thanks so much for reading this! Bwahahaha... Perhaps I should post my Time-Turner parody next!
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Latest 25 Reviews for Parody: The Amazing Potions Assistant
151 Reviews | 6.67/10 Average
Very high cheese factor, but for some reason I liked it anyway. What, no marriage law or pregnant teenage 'Minie? Such a rip off. Lol.
Ha ha ha!! The funky sex scene was the best part! I'm not big on SS/HG either, but this was awesome/hilarious and that's the best ship in my opinion. Har har har.
Response from Southern_Witch_69 (Author of Parody: The Amazing Potions Assistant)
Teehee! Glad you liked it!
LOL! That was a great bit of fun!The love scene? Well...It was beautiful.*giggles*
Response from Southern_Witch_69 (Author of Parody: The Amazing Potions Assistant)
hehe! Thanks
Response from Southern_Witch_69 (Author of Parody: The Amazing Potions Assistant)
hehe! Thanks
This parody was excellent! I don't know how many of these 'potion assistant' stories I've read that were meant to be serious but ended up being written so poorly that I was embarassed for the author. The fact that you wrote this story tongue-in-cheek made it postively delightful. I would highly advise aspiring fan-fic authors to use your Parody as a comical and instructional example of what not to write.
Yep, use a retro on the final battle, so we're not getting emotional here! A.D: and M.M. conjuring a new concept out of the blue fits always in! Your love-scene deserves ... err will re-writing even do? or re-doing? Lemme think, they have 2x twins plus 2 poor sods in between, and now another is coming --> they have done 'it' 4 more times after this. Maybe they do better now?Your epilogue was an excellently obsolete finish for your wonderfully chiché story. Do I see a parody on a well-known non-fan-fiction?Now, I'll check for the parody on a time-turner, please do not disappoint me!
Response from Southern_Witch_69 (Author of Parody: The Amazing Potions Assistant)
LOL Glad to have amused you. Teehee. I didn't post the Time-Turner one yet, but I did work on it and it's about ready to post. I might do that tomorrow. I've just been busy lately. Whoot! :)
Response from Southern_Witch_69 (Author of Parody: The Amazing Potions Assistant)
LOL Glad to have amused you. Teehee. I didn't post the Time-Turner one yet, but I did work on it and it's about ready to post. I might do that tomorrow. I've just been busy lately. Whoot! :)
hillarious!Besides the wonderfully nondescript ingredients (this and that) I loved the nondescript sway of his actions and opinion as in this passage: “Are you ready?” he asked, nodding at the elixir. “Yes, let’s do this.” “Hermione, I don’t like the idea of you taking something like this. Let me take it.” “No, please, let me contribute something more here.” Her eyes were pleading with him. He didn’t say anything. He simply poured a small amount of it in a glass, The pleading eyes are just where they belong, too! Oh, please, please, Severus, risk my life, just the once!! I'm rather sure that he focused on her eyelashes here.Contrasting that, Sev's dicussion with HP is perfectly straight-forward and emotion-free. Yep, it is what those two are! Eeeh, but... but you got your ideas from stories in this archive ... maybe I should re-check my own story? No time, need to read on!
OMG. Hairy Pooter. The BEST line in the whole fic. Hehee.
cute. corny, but cute.
OMG - you might have missed one or two cliches, but I'd be hard pressed to think of which ones. That was a total HOOT! Cheers!
Invincible!Harry, sex scene written in a thirteen-years-old style and fertility potion :D Brilliant end to a brilliant story!It made my exam-cramming much more interesting :-)Thank you!E.
Love it! bad sex AND bad children's names. Personally, (and seriously) If Hermione and Severus ever did marry, and produce young, I could see all the kids with names from Shakespeare........ But not Harry/Henry for any of them!
Commanding Officer Harry is so funny! Fiesty boyfriend, and, oh, yes, Draco's been spying for me. This story is so full of cliches. Thanks for posting it.
I just love how they are discussing potions, but instead of talking about herbs and other things that could be used as Potions ingredients, they say, 'the first one' or 'add that.' As if the author intended to look up some cool plants to use their names, and never got back to it!
Response from Southern_Witch_69 (Author of Parody: The Amazing Potions Assistant)
Bwahahah! You are the first one to notice that. Thank you so much! ~smiles~
You know I really enjoyed most of this story. I loved the scenes with Serverus and Hermione, when she is helping his when he's sick. theres a lot of feeling there and sexxxual tension. really well done. I th9ought about the last of it all night and day and would like to just say that I wish you would rewrite the love scene at the nd before the epilouge. Put some of that tenderness and feeling in that scene. It just seemed so quickly glossed over and with (sorry) really crude sexual references. You can say the same thing with more gentler words ad images and make it sooo good. I really did enjoy this story.
Response from Southern_Witch_69 (Author of Parody: The Amazing Potions Assistant)
This is purposely done to be horrible, as per my notes at the beginning. It's a parody where I poke fun at bad things I've seen in too many stories, hence the cheesy sex scene and ridiculous epilogue and everything else. I was wondering why someone would give 3 and a half stars for something purposely done, but you thought this was a real attempt at writing, huh?LOLWell, at least you enjoyed some of it, but no, this wasn't meant as a serious story.
I've just tried to read a very poorly written story before starting yours. It didn't help that there was no SS. Anyway, you could double the exclamation points and yours would still seem like high art. You make even cliches entertaining.
ROFL! LMAO!
Please post a Time-Turner parody! In that last chapter, you reached new heights of bad, but I can't get the dumb grin off of my face. Sooo funny!
XD Oh dear god. The epilogue was the icing on the cake. Especially the final battle and Harry's eyes. ::sneeerks:: Thanks for giving us all something to laugh at! I certainly needed it to get through my 12 page research paper.
"His totally evil Dark Mark" LOL! I read a few lines aloud to my Hubby, and he said it sounded like Scooby Doo.
WTF!!!?!!! Nice love scene. XD It's all sweetness and lovey doveys until you get down to some "feeling on each other"! LOL Thanks for the story. I *had* a great time reading it!
"She wanted to give something back to the community. How decent." Holy crap! That earned a right out loud "Ha!" from me. This is really brilliant, subtle humor. "Hermione, you are something else." What!? LOL OOC indeed. I love it. I failed to review the last chapter, so caught up in reading ahead was I, but I wanted to mention that I loved the "She will bear you two Slytherins" bit and his double take! I'm off to read some more...
Hairy Pooter? Mental Joy? damn. Nice jammies...nice coincidence! Hubba hubba. XD
Good God, woman! This is the funniest, cutest, loveliest thing I've read that made me laugh and cry at the same time (although the crying may have been my daughter standing on my toes!). Brilliant job, keep 'em rolling!
*lol* This was good.You may have put me off sex for a while with that scene (I'm not sure if I'm talking about the sex or the fertility potion one, though :P )
Great work!