V - Hermione Takes Charge

AN: Thanks again to melusin, best beta and Brit-picker ever!

Disclaimer: I get no denarii for this. Just the satisfaction of reading your reviews.

Severus woke up some time before sunrise the next morning. His head and his back hurt. The culprit for the headache was lying innocently on the floor of the mausoleum, a green glass bottle with a tan label. The culprit for the backache was lying innocently on the pallet next to him, her hair a tangle, snoring gently, cheek firmly pressed into the puddle of drool on the only pillow.

It was a little stuffy in the tomb, and Severus donned his trousers and ventured outside. In the predawn gloom, he noticed that his business associates had been and come and gone. Stretching out his back, he walked over to the freshest of the graves to inspect their work.

Hermione woke some time before dawn to an impressive volley of profanity coming from out of doors. Hurriedly throwing on a robe, she scrambled off of the pallet, wincing slightly at the soreness of her muscles, and rushed out of the mausoleum. There she found Snape, pacing in front of a newly installed gravesite. This one, unlike Ron's, had a slightly transparent coffin so that mourners and passersby alike could see the silhouette of the recently departed. Eventually, Hermione knew, the coffin would be lowered into the ground, and nature would take its course. But for at least the next three weeks, the stasis charms would hold.

Snape was exercising the outer limits of his vocabulary with a skill that made Hermione blench. When he finally paused for breath, she asked, "Mr . . . Severus, what on earth is wrong?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong?"

"Yes, it's a reasonable question. Why are you so upset?

"Nothing! Nothing's wrong at all except those shit for brains dunderheads have taken the wrong fucking body!" Severus resumed his pacing, tearing at his hair.

"Wrong body?"

"Is there an echo out here? Yes, wrong body!"

"Why would anybody take a body?"

"Because, you stupid woman, cadavers are very useful in certain obscure potions and practices."

"Dark magic?"

"Not all the time," Severus replied testily. "Our world isn't always in touch with the times, as no doubt you know, having spent the last three days in a bloody tomb! Certain legitimate businessmen discreetly supply certain research institutions with subjects that those institutions wouldn't necessarily have access to."

"Grave robbing?"

"Are you incapable of comprehending English? It's not grave robbing per se. It's more exhumation for scientific purposes."

"How do you fit into this?"

"Not telling."

"They pay you, don't they? Oh, gods! They pay you to turn a blind eye. And then they go and unearth fresh corpses! Oh, I think I'm going to be sick." Hermione sagged against the statue of Ron.

"Me, too. They're only supposed to take the cadavers that nobody can see and then put everything back where they found it."

"Except the body."

"Obviously, except the body. Only this time, they robbed the wrong grave." Severus sank to the ground next to Hermione and put his head in his hands. "I'm sunk. When my boss finds out about this, I'll be sacked," he groaned.

"For letting the grave-robbers in?"

"No," Severus snorted, "for allowing them to exhume the wrong grave. I only get a small percentage of the money here. My boss gets more than I do."

Hermione shuddered. "This is just too macabre. Wait a minute. Is that why you didn't object to me... Oh, gods! You wanted to distract me from... Severus Snape, you low down son of a misbegotten troll!" Turning to her erstwhile lover, she began to pummel him. "How could I have fallen for such utter shit! You bastard! You conniving git! And I thought you were interested in me!"

"Hermione, stop! Ouch! Hermione, leave off! I am interested in you, you stupid woman! Ever since you left Hogwarts, and Tosser was assigned to my case, I've been interested in you! I've watched you these last few days, pretending to grieve, completely taken in by it, thinking you actually missed the red-headed whatsit, and finally, you admit to me that there's a chance for us. And then you showed me in no uncertain terms last night! Twice! I am interested! I want you; I respect you; heaven help me, I actually like you! That troll never should have put his filthy hands on you!"

Thankfully, the pummeling stopped. "Really?" asked Hermione.

Severus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Really."

"Wow."

"Wow?"

"Is there an echo out here? Yes, wow, Severus. Nobody's ever said that to me before. It means a lot."

"Well, I'm glad you think so. Now if we've finished with the pleasantries, why don't you get dressed? I should, too. The sun will be up soon, and you've got visitors to receive, and I've got bags to pack and a letter of resignation to write."

"Severus, wait. What happens then?"

"When?"

"After you resign."

"I'll probably be put back in prison. Was Tosser specific about the conditions of my probation?"

"Not really, why?"

"One of the conditions is that I hold down a job. I've been grave-digging for the last ten years now. If I get sacked or resign without the authorization of my probation officer (or his successor), it's back to jail."

"Severus, that's awful."

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

"Don't be snide. Wait! I've got an idea! We've a little more time before you have to open the gates, right?"

"Yes."

"But the sun's up, now."

"Mostly."

"So you can use magic."

"Hermione, where are you going... ? Oh, brilliant girl! My brilliant Hermione!"

"You're cute when you're poetic." Hermione giggled as they hurried back into the mausoleum. "Help me move this. Alhomora!" With a groan, the lid of Ron's coffin opened.

"Hermione, why is he purple?"

"You don't want to know. Here, help me shift him. That's it. Now, where's that empty grave?"

**

The family of Norton McAfee was surprised that their beloved father and grandfather had grown taller in the few days that he had been interred, but the helpful gardener pointed out to them that with these new cheap, semi-translucent coffins, one never knew what kind of image one would get. It didn't matter to them, really; as long as granddad was happy, they were happy as well.