IV - Hermione's Evening

AN: More thanks than I can calculate to melusin for beta, brit-pick, and general awesome-ness!

And a disclaimer: these characters are not mine. I get no denarii for playing with them.

Several hours later, the candles in the mausoleum had burned down, and Hermione and Severus were pleasantly drunk.

"So, it's not so bad, really," a mellow Severus was observing. "People leave me alone; I can work on some brewing in the off-hours and no bloody snakes."

"Move to Ireland."

"Tosser wouldn't let me."

"Oh. Sorry about that."

"Not your fault." Severus waved his hand magnanimously. "You had nothing to do with it, I'm sure."

"No, Tosser wouldn't let me. I got stuck with the part-time office job and the kids."

"Sorry about that."

"Not your fault. Besides, I got the better end of the deal with the kids. Rose and Hugo both saw Ron for what he was very early. I probably helped them, but if you'd known Ron, and I mean really known him, it wasn't difficult. Rose and Hugo are smart kids. I know they miss their father sometimes, but Uncle Harry and Auntie Ginny do a good job. I made sure they never lied to them, at any rate. Ron was always lying to us. Did I tell you about the prostitutes?"

"Yes."

"After I found out, I stayed as far away from him as I could. Molly, Harry, and Ginny took longer to come to the party on that, but the penny dropped eventually when he showed up drunk to a Christmas Lunch. I mean, you're supposed to get drunk at lunch, not before! Is there any more in that bottle?"

"Here."

"Ta very much."

"So what happened?"

"What happened to who?"

"Whom. What happened when Tosser showed up at Christmas Lunch drunk?"

"Well, it wasn't that he was drunk, really. It was the three-knut-for-an-hour hooker that he brought with him as his true love. The kids were there, too. I mean, it's nobody's fault, really; it's just that Ron fell in love. He did that a lot: at least three times a week. "Fortunately, he was faithful. You know, Severus, he was more faithful than I was. Did you know, I did the maths one day?"

"Why am I not surprised?"

"I did. Stop laughing at me!"

"Do you see me smiling, Hermione?"

"I can hear you thinking."

"No, you can't."

"Whatever. Do you want to hear the rest of the story?"

"Pardon me. Pray continue, Mrs. Weasley."

"Prat. Anyway, I did the maths once, and I found out that Ron wasn't actually a tosser. He was faithful to forty-seven different women! Believe me, he was getting his fancy tickled quite frequently. That's quite a feat, you know. I was only faithful to him. Anyway, we had to keep it quiet, and even Ron realized that after a while."

"Still, that's quite an achievement. Keeping him and forty-seven women pure as the driven snow."

"Yellow snow."

"Indeed. I'm curious; how did you manage that?"

Hermione twinkled at him drunkenly. "Magic."

Severus snorted. Hermione shifted so she was leaning against him more comfortably.

"Tell me, Severus," she asked. "Why do you have a rake? I mean, Ron didn't take your wand, did he?"

"A rake? Oh, that's part of my probation. I can only use magic during daylight hours. They have a tracker on me similar to the one they have on underage wizards and witches. I can brew and cast spells and do all that sort of thing between sunup and sundown, but after dark, I'm essentially a Squib. It's fairly quiet around here, as you can imagine, so I don't really need my magic. Doesn't mean I don't miss it, however. But I have to admit, and I wouldn't do this unless I was drunk. Which, it seems, I am: doing menial labor in the evening is a good way for me to relax. There are other reasons... Hermione, what are you doing?"

"Testing for your improper use of magic. Your voice is definitely casting a spell."

"Feels more like you're tickling the back of my neck."

"Is that a problem?"

"No, it was more of a scientific enquiry."

"Mmmm, it's a nice neck, too." Hermione's hand smoothed his hair away as she knelt behind him, pressing her lips to the exposed skin.

"Mrs. Weasley, you are drunk."

"Why, yes, Mr. Snape, I believe I am." Her lips moved to tickle his ear. "Now, let me tell you about my lascivious schoolgirl fantasies I used to entertain about you whilst Ron was out entertaining his forty-seven loves."

"Me? Really?"

"Really. Now, the first one begins with the two of us in the mausoleum of my late, unlamented husband..." Hermione pulled herself around so she was sitting in Severus' lap and pressed her lips to his. When he didn't resist or reciprocate, Hermione drew back.

"Problem?" asked Severus.

"No. I just, well, I was expecting you to react."

"Ah, I see. Will this do?"

"Very much so, Severus."

"How about this?"

Hermione giggled. "Even better. Ooh, Professor, I've been a very naughty girl..."

"Leave off! I like my women a little riper. A little more like you." Severus tightened his hold on the witch.

"Like me? Really?"

"Exactly like you. Now, did you want to talk or be ravished?"