Anyone But You

Snape stood for a moment, staring at the door. Out of habit, his wand was within reach. Pointing it at the door, he muttered, “Alohomora!” The doorknob clicked, and Snape smirked. See? That wasn’t too hard to get out of. He turned the handle, and tried to yank the door open. It would not budge.

“Unlockable Charm,” Hermione said suddenly from the other side of the room. “It will keep whoever is in, in; and whoever is out, out.”

“I know what an Unlockable Charm is, Miss Granger,” Snape snapped irritably. “We’ll have to get those meddling witches to open up the door immediately.”

“They won’t,” Hermione commented. “YLC policy. Couples,” she blushed, saying that word, “are to meet for a minimum of one hour. They won’t open the door for another–” Hermione glanced down at her antique wristwatch, “another fifty-seven minutes.”

Snape scowled, stalking over to the loveseat and plunking himself down just as Hermione was seating herself. Both squirmed uncomfortably as their arms touched. Hermione self-consciously drew her arms across her chest, suddenly realizing just how low cut her dress was. A very, very pregnant pause filled the air.

All of a sudden the door swung open, and in entered a jolly, rotund man follow by a harried young clerk. Hermione and Snape both jumped up, ready to make a break for the door when the younger man slammed it shut. A crestfallen look appeared on both of their faces.

“Hermione Granger and Severus Snape?” The older man asked, smiling heartily. The pair nodded. “Good! I am Justice Armando Higgins” He said, clasping his hands. Retrieving a handkerchief from his pocket, he blew noisily into it then wiped a tear from his eye. “Forgive me, but these are always so beautiful that I can’t help cry just a bit!”

He’s crazy, Hermione and Snape both decided, instinctively shrinking together as the man approached them. Justice Higgins, rather than looking offended, beamed.

“I do enjoy seeing all you little lovebirds!” At the world lovebirds, Hermione got a very strange look on her face while Snape looked as if he had been stunned. Both simultaneously stepped away from the other.

“Now, I believe I am here to perform a marriage ceremony. So, let us continue.” Hermione gaped, and Snape attempted a snide dismissal, but he was cut off by Higgins. The Justice had a record of the fastest marriage ceremonies in the company, and he wasn’t about to let some bloke get cold feet and ruin it form him. “Hermione Granger, do you take Severus Snape as your lawfully wedded husband?” he intoned, the solemn words belied by his jovial grin.

“I most certainly do n–” Hermione declared hotly, but was cut off by Higgins, who smiled broadly. Hermione gasped, realizing what she had just said.

“And you,” Higgins said, turning to Snape. “Please repeat after me. I, Severus Snape, do hereby take Hermione Granger as my lawfully wedded wife.”

Snape shot a disdainful look at Hermione. “What is this nonsense? ‘I, Severus Snape, do hereby take Hermione Granger as my lawfully wedded wife?'” he sneered. “You are aware that does not constitute a proper, legal and binding wedding vow. Which hardly matters as we aren’t here to be married anyway.” Higgins did not seem to hear the tail end of Snape’s comment.

The clerk, who had thus far been silent, finally spoke up. “A-a-actually, Mr. Snape sir, it is legal.” He held up a certificate, where the names Hermione Granger and Severus Snape had magically appeared. Hermione gulped. “A-a-according to the Articles of Wizardy, Section 265, Article 14C, line 12: Verbal consent of matrimony, in the presence of two sound minded witnesses, is hereby considered legally binding,” the clerk recited.

“You see?” Justice Higgins said, beaming as he enveloped the unwilling newlyweds in a bear hug. “Congratulations!” The clerk snapped a picture of the stunned couple. Justice Higgins turned and promptly marched out the door, the clerk in tow. In and out in under five minutes. The door was finally left open (though it was a bit too late now), swinging slowly in the two men’s wake.

Hermione blinked, turning to look at Snape. “They– they were serious, weren’t they?” She asked, looking desperate. Snape nodded grimly. “We can get a divorce, right?” She continued, her voice rising, almost in panic.

Snape shook his head, heaving a resigned sigh. “Wizarding marriages are for life,” he said, blanching at the strangled look of horror that crossed Hermione’s face. “No divorces, no annulments.”

Hermione paled, hurrying out of the room. “Ginny!” She cried, looking distressed. The pureblood woman sprung up out of a lounge chair, sensing that there was trouble. “Wizarding marriages,” Hermione said slowly, “are they,” she gulped, “forever?”

Ginny nodded, not fully grasping the situation. That is, until she saw a rather shell-shocked Snape come walking dazed out of the room Hermione had just exited. Her eyes widened as she finally cottoned on.

“You two–you guys didn’t get married, did you?” She squeaked, looking horrified at the thought. Hermione nodded glumly. Snape rolled his eyes; Hermione’s and now Ginny’s expressions were quite a blow to his esteem. Hermione had just married him, but by the expression on her face one would have thought she had just received a death sentence.

“Ah, here is the happy couple!” Justice Higgins announced, looking up from the conversation he had been having with the plump, dimpled YLC witch. He winked at the witch, and she smiled in return.

“You two don’t look too pleased,” the witch noted, a teasing tone in her voice. Snape looked like he wanted to strangle the woman. He’d come here to meet his compatible match, not to marry Hermione Granger! The young clerk coughed into his hands, looking pointedly at Higgins and the couple.

“It’s because the groom hasn’t kissed the bride!” Higgins declared broadly, catching a look from his clerk. “I completely forget. Ah, well. Here it goes: You may now kiss your bride.” He beamed.

Neither Snape nor Hermione moved. Higgins grabbed a hold of his wand and waved it in a large arc. Both Snape and Hermione felt a gentle push behind them, propelling them towards one another. The more they tried to resist it, the stronger it became until there were forced together in one long, awkward kiss. After a minute had passed Higgins seemed to feel that the kiss was sufficient. He waved his wand and the charm abated, allowing Hermione and Snape to break free from their clumsy kiss. Both looked faintly disturbed, and Hermione was blushing furiously.

Snape and Hermione exchanged one single, desperate look. This was going to be a long...life.

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Author’s Note: Well, now that they’re married maybe they’ll get around to having an actual romance! (Finally!)