The People Who Plot Together Stay Together

Disclaimer: JKR is the owner. I'm just playing with her characters.

Author's Notes: Lots of thanks to my lovely twin Lore for all her help and to Southern_Witch_69 for being my beta.

Chapter Four: The People Who Plot Together Stay Together.

Skeeter sucked on the tip of her famous quill and started the interview by saying, "Here we are with Mister Percival Ignatius Weasley, the Minister's right hand."

The quill dutifully wrote that down. In its opinion the wording was alright, and as long as it was to its liking, the quill refused to do much work. It was still annoyed that its best mate, its companion of so many years, dear old Rita, had put it in a dark and damp trunk for so long.

"Can I call you Percy? Lovely. You are the youngest wizard to have such high position at the Ministry. How would you say that has affected you?"

Percy provided a short and not too interesting answer about how he had known he was meant for this since he was at Hogwarts. The quill copied down what he said without too much flourish, but it took the licence to add some comments. The quill feared if it did too bad a job, Rita wouldn't forgive it. It didn't want to spend the next few years yet again in that awful trunk.

"How did your prominent career start?" 'Well,' thought Skeeter, 'you have to start the questions somewhere. Let's just hope Hermione exaggerated and he is, in fact, a bit more interesting than a flobberworm.'

Percy started a long-winded and very detailed story about his work, starting from the summer of 1994 with something boring about cauldrons, and then he carried on with all he had done since then.

'Boring, boring, and more boring. If he keeps this up, I'll be asleep before I get the interview finished,' thought Skeeter while trying to stifle a yawn at the nth time Percy mentioned the importance of the thickness of cauldron bottoms and how he had been the first one to notice; he considered it a fact that it was what helped him to get the position he had now.

The quill wasn't less bored than Rita, and since it considered all that rambling utterly irrelevant, it was writing snoring sounds on the parchment instead of what Percy was saying.

Rita decided that it was enough about this prat's boring chatter, so she interrupted him. "And how is it that such an intelligent and good looking gentleman as yourself is still single?" The quill perked up when it noticed the change in the subject.

"My work has been always my priority, and a man can't even consider the idea of marriage before he has made a name for himself and has enough money to sustain a family of his own." The pompous attitude was starting to show to the great relief of the journalist. "The fact that you're interviewing me shows that I'm succeeding at the first. I'm still working in achieving the second, but I think I'm doing my best in that way. I have now a very interesting and demanding job. It is true that it takes away most of my time, but I'm willing to do the sacrifices necessary to get me where I want."

Rita Skeeter wondered if that meant he wanted to become the next Minister of Magic and almost laughed at the poor sod. Just in case, she didn't look at what the quill was writing.

"Lovely. But surely your work isn't everything, dear. I'm sure if you find the right woman, you'll be very happy to settle down."

"Very possible, Madam. The right woman would have to understand the need for me to dedicate most of my time to my work, and I'm sure she'd be grateful for it and for her good luck."

"Haven't you found someone special?"

The quill wrote, "The young man's face turned even redder than usual, in what in any other person could be described as blushing, and cast his eyes down, and we wondered if he wasn't hiding something from us." But at a shake of Rita's head, it struck the last part and left only a comment about him blushing.

"No," said Percy, blushing. "I know several ladies that interest me, but when I get to know them better, they are just lacking. Well, except..." But Percy stopped mid-sentence, reconsidering his answer, and he added quickly, "I guess that I just haven't found the right one... yet."

"Really? Do tell, Mr. Weasley. Which young witches have caught your attention? Or perhaps there's a certain special lady."

Percy refused to answer, leaving Skeeter to wonder if she should add something about rumours of him fancying Hermione, but thought it would be better left unsaid. Maybe she could force him into saying something interesting himself.

The quill summed it up as, "Mr Weasley denied it. And even if he admits finding several witches attractive, he wonders if any of them would be up to his high standards."

"Percy, darling, here's your opportunity. Our young readers are waiting to see how your perfect woman is. And who knows, maybe the woman of your dreams is out there... " Skeeter hoped this was a step onto the right path. If the prat kept talking about Ministerial bureaucracy for too long, no one would read the article until its end, and she'll have to rely on creative writing.

"Well, I'm looking for a young and proper lady. One that was raised by a normal and traditional family."

"Could you explain a bit more, dear?" Skeeter was trying to smile and finding it very difficult. "When you say young, do you mean your own age?"

"Madam, any witch my age that is not already married must have some trouble finding a husband. If she's not married, one would wonder what's wrong with her or if she has her head set in the right place. Any proper witch should be married and with children of her own by the time she is my age."

"For what I know, Mr. Weasley, your sister is not married."

"I know. And I consider it a disgrace, even a scandal. But she still has the chance to have a normal life, and I'm working on convincing her of it. I hope she finally gets some good sense and decides to settle down and get a husband before it's too late." Percy sounded quite pleased with himself about it, as if he were the one solving Ginny's life and saving her from a terrible fate.

At Skeeter's prompting, he continued, "I have never understood this stupid idea of women working when they still have the chance of a normal life. I mean, what do they want to prove? What do they want to achieve? I know some of them didn't have any other chance, but really, my sister is not old enough to resign to be a spinster just yet. There's no need for her to work. Even if she can't find a husband, I could take care of her. I'm making enough money to do that."

"Don't you approve of women working?"

"I understand that some of them don't have families to take care of them and didn't have the luck of finding a man to get married. In that case, I can't fault them for doing so as they had no other choice and they need to survive somehow. And of course, they need to feel themselves useful, so working is a good therapy for them after failing in forming a family. Women are better at taking care of children, too. It's a natural thing, you know. So the women that didn't have children of their own usually seek to fulfil that need in them by becoming teachers or sometimes mediwitches. I just don't understand these witches that call themselves 'modern'. They are setting a terrible example, and if this pattern keeps on repeating itself, our society is doomed." Percy was carving his own tomb if Skeeter's look was any indication. Apparently the prat didn't realise he was talking to a working woman, one that chose to be single and to not have children. Rita was more likely to eat children than raise them. But she had to bite her tongue and continue with the interview.

"Tell me, Percy, what do you mean with the term 'modern witch', and why you think they are dooming our society?"

"Isn't it obvious? These women are a threat. They defy the traditions and customs that have kept the Wizarding society safe and united. Can you imagine what would happen if witches start refusing to form families? They deny their own nature when they refuse to play the mother and wife role that corresponds them. And some of them even live a life full of inappropriate excesses, drinking alcohol, partying until dawn without a man escorting them, having..." Percy stopped mid-sentence, his face getting even redder while he found the words to carry on. "Well, you know which other excesses women do, attempting to rebel against their purity and chastity. I tell you, no decent man will want a woman that has indulged in depraved activities. A decent woman, one to become a wife and mother, must be a pure being, humble, obedient, sensible... That's the woman I'm looking for."

"So, you're telling me you want a house witch, barefoot and pregnant, as they say..."

"Why would my wife be barefoot? I have enough money to buy her shoes, you know." The quill was amused; the wizard was so stuck up that he didn't have a sense of humour. This was going to be fun after all.

Skeeter looked at the parchment and was a bit surprised. 'The poor quill didn't have to change that much to make him sound like the idiot he is,' she thought while shaking her head. 'That's for the best anyway. Hermione wouldn't be happy otherwise.'

The quill added at the end, "Note to the journalist: Next time find someone more interesting. We haven't interviewed someone this boring since Harry Potter during the Triwizard Tournament."

Skeeter laughed at that. "I promise," she said while patting the quill and putting it and the parchment back in her purse.

After the interview was published, some strange things started to happen around Percy.

Important documents got lost when he needed them, but reappeared on his desk as soon as it was too late to do the job he was asked for. Memos didn't arrive or got sent to the wrong office, and the meeting requests about scheduled meetings always came a minute or two after said meeting was over. If he needed a file, it was never where it should be. If he asked for something, someone else asked first so he had to wait... Although his turn didn't seem to arrive, ever.

If Percy had been more paranoid, he would have thought there was a conspiracy against him... and he would have been right. Women were out to get him and make him pay. He just couldn't imagine that the sweet, fairer sex could do anything harmful to a prominent figure as he thought he was.

It wasn't the case of all women plotting together either. It was the simple fact that half the employees at the Ministry were women, and each one of them had felt Percy needed something nasty to happen to him because of what he'd said in the interview. Each one of them had devised something to go wrong for him without knowledge of the others doing the same. Each one had done her best to make Percy's life miserable.

And so he went, wondering if he had a case of Loser's Lurgy. In that case a visit to St. Mungo's was in order... Not that his visit to St. Mungo's cleared the matter. Percy couldn't understand why everyone else was attended first, even the ones arriving after him. And when he finally got to see a Healer, he was prodded at wand point, pricked with needles of all calibres, and stuffed with disgusting potions before declared "as healthy as you could be with that face" and shoved out.

It was Lucius' birthday. He had never been thrilled with the prospect of becoming older, and the only reason he still didn't hate his birthday was because there wasn't any chance he would be a grandfather. It was a blessing that his only son was gay. Draco may have the terrible taste of shagging Ron Weasley, but at least no one would be calling him Grandpa Lucy anytime soon... nor any time later either.

It was for this same reason that Draco and Ron were invited to the little gathering. Only the closest friends and them were invited. Draco was after all family. And Ron was... well, he was the "plus one" on Draco's invitation.

After dinner, they were all enjoying conversation, drinks and a bit of music.

Draco and Ron were quietly (as requested) sitting in a corner, watching with a bit of fascination the odd mixture of people in the room.

"Ugh! Doesn't the dirty old man have some dignity?" The disgust in Ron's voice was unmistakeable. "Ogling Hermione like that..."

"I haven't realised father was that obvious, but I was about to comment on that," said Draco with a nod.

"Your dad? I was talking about Snape." And with that, Ron pointed one finger in Severus' direction.

Draco slapped Ron's finger and glared. "Don't point. It's rude."

They stared some time, looking at both men's actions, until they couldn't take it anymore.

"Do you think Granger knows?"

"What?"

Draco sighed. Some days he didn't know what he saw in Ron... "I was asking you if you thought that Granger knows about those two drooling all over her. She doesn't seem to mind, but with women, you never know... They are so clueless."

Ron shrugged and walked away to chase the waiter with the drinks or the waiter with the food; both options were fine for him.

Draco stopped him. "Could you talk with her about it?"

"Why should I talk about Snape with Hermione?"

"Ron!" said Draco annoyed. "I don't care about him. It's about my father I was asking."

"It's your father. You go talk to her."

"Me? She's your ex-girlfriend. You go talk to her."

"Yeah, exactly. EX-girlfriend. With emphasis in the EX. She dumped me because she said I was an insensitive prat. What makes you think she'll talk to me about her love life?"

"Oh, perhaps because she'll be more willing to talk with me about it. Right."

"Couldn't we ask someone else to do it?" Ron whinged.

"You could ask Auntie Bella, if you want, but I'm not going to interrupt her while she's snogging that blond in the corner. Not unless it's a life or death situation. And even then, I think I'd choose death before bothering her. Anyway, I think she's too busy to notice it."

"..."

"Where is your famous Gryffindor courage?"

"Eh..."

Draco grabbed Ron by the hand and dragged him towards Hermione. "Well, we'll both talk to her then."

Hermione had been acting like the proper hostess and had talked a bit with each group of people. When she took a break to drink some punch, she was faced with her two you-can-call-them-friends-if-you-don't-want-to-try-to-figure-out-what-they-really-are.

With her best smile she asked, "Are you enjoying the party?" and then, addressing Draco, she added, "Lucius is very happy you were able to come."

Both men looked rather uncomfortable and were babbling. They were also fidgeting and nudging each other. Hermione had the impression they had the look of two small children caught by their mother doing something they shouldn't and were forced to confess.

Looking straight to Ron, but glancing at Draco to include him, Hermione asked, "What did you do now?"

Ron looked hurt. "Why do people always ask me that?"

Draco shook his head. Ron was definitely a lost case. Getting closer to Hermione, he said, "We were wondering about my father. Isn't he acting a bit odd? I mean, was he flirting with you, or was I hallucinating?"

"Yeah," added Ron, "and Snape too."

"Oh, that." Hermione giggled. "It's nothing. Severus and Lucius are always playing silly games. It gets annoying sometimes, but I never have the heart to tell them to stop. They aren't hurting anyone..."

"Are you sure they aren't serious? I may not know Severus that much to tell, but my father looks quite smitten with you."

At Hermione's disbelieving look, Draco insisted. "Trust me."

She looked dubious, but then Ron added, "That's the look of a man in love, Hermione."

It was ridiculous, impossible. They were just her comrades, her friends even. It couldn't be, right? She decided that a better look at the men in question was needed. If even Ron had that idea, maybe investigating wasn't amiss. Could it be possible that there was more to their actions than she'd thought? Could they really fancy her?

Her head started swirling, and she wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or the talk with Draco and Ron that had caused it. But sure enough, Severus was immediately at her side asking her if she was feeling alright. The confused look she gave him worried him, and a minute later, she was escorted to her office and seated on a comfortable armchair while Lucius and Severus fussed over her, asking her by turns if she was feeling alright and if she needed something.

"I'll be alright. Lucius, you should go and talk with the guests. No one will miss me, but it's your birthday party. They came to see you, so you shouldn't leave them alone."

Lucius left, looking hurt. Severus gave her a little smug smile.

"You should go, too, Severus. Someone has to stop Lucius from hexing the guests if they start asking how old he is again. And stuff Ron with food so he doesn't say anything idiotic. I'll be alright, really."

Severus nodded and left, sulking.

'It is true then', thought Hermione. She didn't know what to make of it. "WOW" was the most profound thought she had at the moment.

She watched them closely the next few days. And the result was clear. Both men were really interested in her.

Severus and Lucius fancied her? She still couldn't grasp the idea completely.

And then, she remembered why she had convinced herself so forcefully that they were just being playful. The knowledge came to her as if an Obliviate was lifted. She fancied both men. Both as in "she couldn't choose one over the other". And it was in the reasonable idea (or so she thought at the moment) that it was impossible for both of them to return her feelings, that she blocked any thought on the matter.

And now she was confronted by the truth. By Draco. And Ron.

There was the smallest matter of knowing if they would be willing to share, as she was unable to choose. Sod it. She wanted both and she refused to choose. They didn't seem hostile to each other, so maybe there was hope...

"It's obvious the woman isn't interested."

Lucius glared at Severus.

"Now, Lucius, don't look at me like that. She isn't interested in me either."

"Are you saying you're giving up all hope?"

"What else can we do? Grovelling will make her lose any respect she may have for us, and I refuse to give her a love potion. She'll skin me alive once the haze is gone if I do that."

The sound of someone clearing her throat shocked them out of their sulking.

Hermione was standing by the door. "Bella said you were here in need of some help. What's the problem you can't solve?"

Lucius was too depressed to even see the glint in Hermione's eyes. Severus only hoped she wasn't there to laugh at them.

Hermione was amused by Severus' glare that obviously meant "How much have you heard?" and only smiled at them.

"Don't tell me you have problems getting a woman. Can't you impress her with your money?" asked Hermione looking at Lucius. "Or your looks?"

"She's rich enough not to care about money," answered Lucius.

"And she's not shallow enough to want a pretty ornament," added Severus gesturing towards Lucius' general area.

Hermione, instead of giving advice to Lucius as they expected she would, turned to Severus, asking, "And you, isn't your lady moved by your tortured past and your Byronic character?"

The snort was the only answer from Severus.

"A fellow war survivor would say that we all have a tortured past..." said Lucius. "She'll tell him to snap out of it and do something productive."

Hermione shrugged. "Oh, well... in that case..."

She got closer to Lucius. "Maybe you could catch her distracted and simply kiss her. I have been told you are quite good."

She then leaned towards Severus. "And you could try seducing her with your voice. No woman can resist that sultry tone of yours."

With a smile, she walked to the door, and added, without looking at either of them, "Or you can use the Gryffindor approach and simply turn up in my bed one evening." And she quickly left before they could realise what she had just said.

They were left speechless.

After all, Hermione was interested; she'd just hidden it well. Maybe she wanted them to work harder to get her. Maybe they were more out of practice than they'd thought in this courting business. They should have considered the fact that they were trying to romance a Gryffindor. Maybe they had been too subtle?

As Severus was sure Lucius had done everything but posting an ad in the Hogsmeade Herald, he was convinced subtlety wasn't the problem.

Anyway, they had a bigger problem now. Who had she been talking to when she'd made the invitation to her bed?

Lucius thought it was him for sure. He was, after all, the best looking one, and if he was to be truthful, in a competition with Severus, it was obvious that he was the winner. Not that he would say that out loud.

On the other hand, Severus was almost sure she had been talking to him. But there was always the possibility that he might be wrong. And he didn't want to know what Hermione would do to him if he happened to get into her bed and she wasn't expecting him. The witch was powerful, no need to anger her. Research was needed.

And so it was that Severus and Lucius found each other in Hermione's room. Severus was searching in her desk for a diary, journal or anything where she could have written about this matter when Lucius entered.

Lucius was disconcerted. "What are you doing here?"

"What does it looks like?" was the annoyed answer from Severus.

"Trespassing," Lucius said, trying not to smirk.

Severus glared. "I was looking for something that would indicate who was she inviting here, though it looks like you have decided it was you."

Lucius sneered. "I did see her first," he pointed.

"I doubt it. I saw her the first time she put a foot in the Potions classroom, first year. And believe me, there was no way to ignore her in the classroom, not that I didn't try during six years. When did you find out she existed? During the Department of Mystery's disaster?"

Lucius was sulking. "No. It was before that, but I can't remember when... Lockhart was involved somehow, I think."

Severus shuddered at the memory of the wizard. "1992 or 1993, then. A year after myself." And at Lucius' inquiring look, he added, "I remember the date every Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher started working at Hogwarts since I applied for the job and the reason they stopped teaching, too."

Lucius only shook his head. "Anyway, I was the first to fall in love with her. I have priority."

Severus was still searching and trying not to laugh. "I can't dispute that, friend. I don't know when you realised that particular feeling, although I hope you won't claim it was love at first sight. Hermione might think it is a bit creepy otherwise."

Lucius was getting irritated. "Anyway, do you need any help?" And without waiting for an answer, he started shuffling around her drawers.

Severus, with some papers still in his hand, stopped searching and looked at Lucius. "Do you think she's stupid? If she has a diary hidden, it won't be there."

"Oh, because the smart choice would be leaving it on top of her desk," mocked Lucius.

With another glare, Severus went back to peruse the papers... and choked.

"Now what?"

"..." Severus couldn't quite explain, so he opened and closed his mouth several times.

"Could we finish this before Hermione finds us here?"

Severus was still unable to speak.

Lucius closed the drawer in exasperation and joined Severus, looking at the parchment he was holding. It was a drawing. At first sight, a very silly and badly made, moving picture.

The title was in Bella's handwriting: 'What Hermione wants for Christmas'.

The picture had a female stick figure sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of what looked like a Christmas tree. In between them, there was a gift box. The stick figure unwrapped the gift, and two male stick figures with very big bows on their heads jumped out of it, and they proceeded to sandwich the one female figure labelled 'Hermione' while she squeaked.

Both men were watching the picture in fascination. So much, that they never heard Hermione entering her room.

"What are you two doing here? Not that I didn't mention you dropping by... but what are you doing with that?" asked Hermione while trying to snatch the picture from Severus' hands. "And what the hell is Lucius doing with my silk knickers in his pocket?"

Both men were red faced, shuffling their feet and looking at the floor as if there weren't anything more fascinating in the world than a wooden floor.

Hermione was annoyed. "First, Lucius, I want those knickers back." She extended her hand, and he reluctantly complied while considering how good his chances were of stuffing another pair into his pocket again. None was his conclusion.

"If you are so much a fan of Bella's artistic pictures, you can ask her for one yourself. There's no need to steal mine," Hermione said, finally snatching the drawing from Severus' hands. "Besides, it's not as if she's that accurate either," she said while regarding the drawing in her hands. Both men felt their hopes flee when they thought she meant that wasn't really what Hermione wanted. "The bows would've been more appreciated in another part of their anatomy." The two stick figures were now groping the stick Hermione.

Severus and Lucius decided that the floor was no longer more interesting than the witch in front of them, no matter how annoyed she sounded.

She sighed and went to her drawers to put her knickers back in their place. When she turned around after closing the drawer, Severus knew it was now or never, and he glided behind her, pushing his body against hers and snaking his arms around her waist. He whispered in her ear, "My apologies for the intrusion, Hermione. Maybe there's a way to repay you for such an atrocious behaviour on our part..."

Hermione felt her breath catch in her throat when she felt his body against hers, and she closed her eyes when she heard his silken voice speaking in her ear, and when those lips caressed her neck slowly, she started moaning. Severus was enjoying very much having a handful of squirming Hermione in his arms, and he moved his hands from her waist to her breasts. Lucius, on the other hand, was sulking. He didn't like being left aside, and Severus didn't look like he was going to remember he was in the room any time soon. Lucius made up his mind, and he moved towards the couple standing there, and taking hold of Hermione's waist, he manoeuvred her to face him and lowered his head to kiss her.

Hermione thought breathing was overrated when Lucius started snogging her senseless. She could feel Severus' hands still caressing her breasts while he unbuttoned her blouse, his lips moving down her neck to the now exposed skin of her shoulders. On the other hand, Lucius was still kissing her while his hands gripped her arse to lift her and push her closer to his body. Overwhelmed with the high emotions these two men were making her feel, she decided that thinking was overrated as well, and she let herself enjoy everything without analysing it.

Some time later, she found herself naked on the bed, despite the fact that she wasn't sure where all her clothes had gone, and being the filling of a Slytherin sandwich. She was still trying to fathom how she'd got there, but she knew there was no other place she'd rather be.

Some hours later, an exhausted Lucius was asleep with his body pressed to her back, his hand wrapped around her waist.

Severus was still awake by her other side and feeling awkward, Hermione could tell.

When their gazes met, he saw her questioning look. "So, what's next, Hermione? Will you throw us out of your bed before morning?" He tried to sound detached, but his voice had a note of uncertainty. Severus was not sure if discussing the subject with Hermione was a good or a bad thing to do at that moment. He was still trying to find out what Hermione's intentions towards them were, and despite that it hadn't been that bad to be used for her pleasure, now that they'd fulfilled her fantasy, he didn't know if she'd want to go back to what they'd had before.

"Why would I do that?" asked Hermione with a smile. "If you are going to be this good every time, I may not let you out of bed until next month." She stretched, yawned, and added, "Now, be quiet." And with that, she snuggled up to him and got comfortable for sleep.

"Yes, Severus, do shut up. People are trying to sleep in here," mumbled Lucius tightening his grip around her waist.

Hermione was enjoying herself so much that she even forgot to check how the women's revenge on Percy the Prat was going.

By the time she did, she had to admit that the result was even better than what she had envisioned. She had wanted simply to make him miserable, but the outcome was certainly what he deserved.

After two months of excuses for his incompetence, the Minister had fired him. The Ministry may be slow, but it was clear even for them that something wrong was going on with Mr. Weasley, and they didn't want to get stuck paying for psychological treatment or whatever the guy obviously needed.

Finding a new job was more difficult than Percy had even thought possible. Women refused to speak to him if he approached them. Men didn't dare to enrage family members or friends, so they didn't dare to hire him. And if someone even thought of the possibility, then Tonks or Bella's minions were sent to make them reconsider. Not even his own brothers were willing to have him working in their shop.

Without a job, he soon had to move out of his ostentatious house.

He didn't have enough friends to start with, and after the infamous interview, he had none. And so it was that several months later, a very humbled Percy arrived to his sister's home begging to be let in. Ginny was enjoying it too much, and this time she was going to make Percy pay for everything he had done to her since she'd been born.