Hands-on Sex Ed?

"But 'Mioneeeee."

"No."

"Pleeeease."

"Stop that."

"Oh, come on, 'Mione, you know you want to. For old times sake?"

"Keep your hands off, Ron."

"You know what I need, and what harm would it do?"

"What about Draco, Ron?"

"Draco doesn't care. It's his fault I'm in this state, as well. In class, he had his tongue in my ear, and he put my hand on his..."

"Stop right there, Ronald Bilius Weasley. I really don't need to hear the details."

Professor Snape, who was standing on the other side of the half open door didn't need to, either.

He had been heading to the Charms classroom to pick up the notes Flitwick had written up for him to include in the first Sex Education class. The diminutive Charms teacher had neglected to bring them down to the staff room after his last class of the week, and as Snape had to pick up the 'educational materials' that had been sent to Madam Pomfrey's office by St Mungo's anyway, he'd offered to pick them up himself. Which is how he came to be outside the door in time to hear most of the disconcerting conversation between Filius's classroom assistant, Hermione Granger, and one Ron Weasley.

Now Snape was in a quandary. Previously, such a conversation would fall into one of two categories. If they were students, he would fly in there, deduct points and/or issue detentions, and do his best to traumatise the miscreants so they wouldn't even think about the subject again until they left Hogwarts for good. If it had been staff, he would probably withdraw discreetly (after collecting any useful information that might persuade said staff members to cover a Hogsmeade trip or something equally tiresome for him). However, Miss Granger was almost staff, working with both the Charms and Transfiguration teachers as a classroom assistant for her CATS accreditation. Weasley was taking his NEWTs, but as a member of the Upper House was no longer subject to either point deduction or detentions.

While Snape pondered what to do, the conversation continued.

"Look, Hermione. All I have to do is this..." *ziiip* "...and slip my hand in..."

"I'm warning you, don't do that, Ron."

"Come on, Hermione, loosen up a little bit."

"Ron, I'm not going to warn you again..."

"Just close your eyes, 'Mione, and I'll slip my fingers in..." *Snap!* "Aaaeeeeiii!"

Snape had been about to leave the increasingly troubling scene when he heard the sharp report and Weasley's scream. He rushed into the room, intrigued to find out exactly what was going on. The picture before him was not what he expected. Weasley was trying to shake what looked remarkably like a Muggle mousetrap off his hand, while Hermione stood watching his antics, her arms folded firmly across her chest.

"Are you all right, Miss Granger? I heard a commotion as I arrived to pick up some notes." Snape smoothly covered his sudden appearance. Miss Granger's glare never left Weasley.

"Everything is fine, sir. Ron here was just trying to pick up some notes too. Unfortunately, he didn't realise that I was trying out one of the newest Weasley Wizard Wheezes products. Here, let me show you."

Ron had stopped flailing his arm and was attempting to lever back the spring. Hermione grabbed his hand, whispered a word and the trap dropped free. He yelped and stuck his fingers in his mouth while Hermione brought the device over to Snape, seemingly oblivious to her friend's pain. "See here? It's being marketed as a way of keeping dieter's fingers out of biscuit barrels or bags of sweets, but it works well in book bags too. Ron fell foul of it when he tried to borrow my Transfiguration class notes. He forgot that the only ones I'd have would be the Teacher's Notes, and not something I would be able to share with him or anyone else." Hermione hissed the last of this in Ron's direction, and he sidled out of the room, muttering something about getting some ice and borrowing Megan's notes.

Hermione turned to Snape. "You said something about notes, sir?"

"Yes, the first of the much-whispered-about Sex Education classes will be beginning on Monday, and I'm collecting together all the last minute details to review over the weekend. Will you be attending, Miss Granger?" As the words left his mouth, he could have bitten his tongue. It was surprising how much he let his guard down around this young woman. Although they didn't see much of each other except in public places, he had formed a connection of sorts with her over the month since term began.

Hermione seemed amused. "Why, do you think I'd benefit from the classes, Professor?" she asked mock innocently. Snape refused to rise to the bait, busying himself at the Charms teacher's crowded desk instead of replying. Finding the notes weighted down under an inkwell, he turned to leave, but at the door he paused. After a moments contemplation, he spoke.

"About Sex Education, Miss Granger. I think you may find several of the practical, hands-on aspects of the lessons more rewarding and stimulating than reading about it books." Hermione's eyes grew large and her mouth formed a surprised 'O'. Snape suddenly realised the accidental suggestiveness of his remark and chose to leave quickly. As he pulled the door fully open, he was confronted by Ginny Weasley, who was clutching a book to her chest and looking up at him with an expression very similar to Miss Granger's, except with a hint of dismay added. Before he could do anymore damage to his own reputation, he simply sneered at the girl and swept off down the corridor.

Being Saturday morning, the Upper House common room was relatively quiet. Hermione sat on one of the big comfy sofas with her legs tucked under her as she read a book. Suddenly, someone leapt over the back to land with an 'oof' in the space on one side of her. Blaise stretched out his legs, crossed at the ankles, and put his hands behind his head as he leaned back. "Morning, Hermione. Good book?"

Hermione sighed and pulled the ribbon from her hair to mark her page before she put the book to one side. "Actually, not really. It's one of those formulaic raunchy romances. Parvati lent it to me, suggesting it might stop me moaning about the lack of romance in my life." Hermione felt the cushions on the other side of her dip, and looked over to see that Draco had taken the remaining seat on the sofa, while Ron sat in the armchair to one side. "Oh, so you two have decided to emerge into the light of day, have you? Why don't you share why you slept in, so those of us without a love life can live vicariously?"

Draco leant back into the chair mirroring Blaise and grinned at Hermione with a wink. Ron's face went as red as his hair. "It's nothing like that! We were studying." Ron blustered as Blaise and Hermione shared a knowing look. "It's true! Megan lent me her Transfiguration notes, and seeing as I can't write too well at the moment," Ron waved his bandaged fingers at her accusingly, "and as Draco needs them too, we were working together."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Don't blame me for your fingers, Ron. I warned you not to fiddle with my stuff. You're lucky to get away with just those bruises. If Professor Snape hadn't come in just then..."

"Ooh, Hermione. Are you telling all about Professor Snape, then?" Ginny threw herself into the armchair opposite her brother. Harry perched himself on the wide arm and put his arm across the back behind her. As many of the Upper House shared classes with the seventh years for most subjects, it wasn't unusual to find seventh year 'study partners' popping into the common room. Headmistress McGonagall had made it quite clear that this was fine, so long as 'the proprieties were observed'. Ginny spent whatever free time she could manage 'studying' with Harry, but today she obviously just wanted to chat with her friends. She continued. "I mean, clandestine meetings in empty classrooms to talk about hands-on sex lessons..." She let her words drift off meaningfully.

Surrounded by her so-called friends, who were all making suggestive 'ooohs' or melodramatic gasps, Hermione was about to protest that it was a mistake, he hadn't meant it to sound that way. However, before she could open her mouth, a small voice in the back of her mind spoke. 'Didn't he? Severus is usually so precise in his language. He is only ambiguous if he wants to misdirect you.' The pause was long enough to register with her audience.

"No, Hermione, say it isn't so. Is that why you were so upset with me yesterday afternoon? I was in the way of some kind of-of... tryst?" Ron had gone pale at the idea. The others sniggered at his outburst, and Hermione surged to her feet.

"I refuse to be drawn into this silly speculation. Of course there's nothing going on between Professor Snape and me. The very idea! And as for us 'trysting', I had no idea he was coming to the classroom, and I wouldn't have even been there when he did if you hadn't delayed me, Ron. Now, as if having a non-existent love life wasn't bad enough, listening to you lot inventing one for me is too much, so if you will excuse me..." Hermione flounced off.

"Whoa, we seem to have hit a raw nerve there," Draco said as Hermione disappeared up the stairs to her room.

Blaise looked thoughtfully at the point where Hermione had disappeared from view. "The lady doth protest too much, methinks," he quoted. Harry snorted and Ginny laughed outright.

"I can't see her throwing herself at Snape just because she's frustrated. I mean, he's more than twice her age, and that's just for starters," Ginny said.

Harry looked thoughtful. "I dunno. Hermione has never been one to be swayed by what's 'popular'." He was interrupted briefly by a *coughLockhartcough* before he continued. "I mean, she did all that research and nagged me about my attitude towards Snape – and towards Slytherins in general – so that when the time came I was able to overcome my anger and distrust and...well, you know the rest. But she didn't leave it there. She made me come to terms with things. She's only like that with things that get her blood up. I'd thought it was just about helping me win and survive, but now I'm wondering if there's more to it." Harry laughed. "Not that I'm saying there is anything in the suggestion, either."

Ron stood and moved to the seat Hermione had vacated, next to his boyfriend. Some others drifted over in their direction and filled up nearby chairs. "Nah," he said with a shake of his head, "if that's all there is, I can't see our 'Mione falling for the git."

Blaise shifted in his seat. "Actually, there might be more. I didn't think much of it before, but I saw them together on the first night back. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but they were very close, and he held her hand for a while." Blaise started to relate what he'd seen to his attentive audience.

On Monday, Snape threw himself into his seat in the staff room and nodded to Hooch who had made the sign for lifting a glass. After choking down a mouthful from the tumbler she handed him, he considered that she wasn't called Hooch for nothing. She went back to sit with Sprout and Pomfrey at the table in the middle of the room. They watched him expectantly as he finished his glass.

"So, how did it go, then?" Pomona asked finally.

Snape leant forward and dragged a hand down his face. "That bad, eh?" Hooch said with a snort.

He finally looked up at the three witches. "No, actually it went quite well. All I had to do was call them to order, and give them a quick overview of the topics I would be covering and which topics would be covered in more detail in some of their other classes. Then I handed out several of the leaflets supplied by the Ministry and St Mungo's and told them to read them for the remainder of the lesson – in silence. I handed out the course material as they were leaving and told them to read chapters one and two before the next lesson." The witches broke into a smattering of playful applause, and Snape made an exaggerated bow to them. "Anyway, that was the sixth years. I have the fourth then fifth years for an hour each after lunch, then the combined seventh and Upper class. I'll be glad when it's all over."

The witches murmured sympathetically. The Muggle Studies teacher, Ellactix, moved over to join them. Soon the staff room was full of chatting teachers taking a short respite from their pupils before going down for lunch. Snape looked up to see Hermione enter. Although Minerva had allowed that those placed as classroom assistants for their CATS should be afforded most of the privileges granted to the other assistants, Miss Granger rarely spent time in the staff room. She held a sheaf of parchment and was obviously looking for someone. He felt vaguely disappointed when her eyes caught his but passed on. She moved forward and handed the parchments to the Transfiguration professor with a few words.

Her errand complete, Hermione looked back towards Snape. She gave him a smile and made a small gesture of greeting with her hand, but before he could nod in return, a young man tapped her on the arm to catch her attention. A few moments later he'd linked his arm through hers, and the two moved off, presumably to the Great Hall for lunch. A few of the older witches nudged each other as the couple left. All grist for the rumour mill, Snape thought with a sigh.

Hermione allowed herself to be led from the staff room and down to the Great Hall. Aloysius Alworthy was one of those pleasant nonentities she knew in passing, and she was surprised when he had sought her out to discuss what she thought about the CATS. He proved to be an equally pleasant companion at the table, and she found herself agreeing to continue the discussion that evening over coffee in the common room. She reflected that the evening of playing victim to the beauty charms the Patil twins had cajoled her into trying may have been worth it after all. Not that she felt she could have anything of a romantic nature with Aloysius, but he was the first male to show any interest in her since her return to the castle. 'Unless you count Severus,' the increasingly annoying little voice chipped in.

The afternoon slipped by quickly. As Hermione cleared up after the departing third years, Prof. Flitwick came up, nodding with approval. "A nice action you have there, m'dear – a lovely smooth 'swish' with just a hint of 'flick'. Well, that's it for me for the day, so I won't be needing you back until tomorrow after lunch." Hermione gave him a broad smile and moved to collect her things from behind his desk. "It's the seventh years and Upper Sex Ed class about to start. Are you going to attend, Miss Granger? I have to admit, I wish they'd had something like it in my day."

Hermione thought for a moment. She hadn't been planning to, but maybe she should see what it entailed. This first lesson was with Professor Snape, who would be giving an overview of the planned lessons. It was being held in the Defence classroom, two floors down. She checked her timepiece, pinned to her chest like a medal. If she hurried, she could just make it. "I think I will. Thank you, Professor." Hermione said as she swept from the room.

Having walked down one floor, Hermione had to wait until the next staircase swung into place. As she set foot on the first step a rich voice called out to her, "Good afternoon, Miss Granger. Are you heading to my class?" Snape had just been exiting his office on the second floor when he had spotted her on the stair, and on impulse he had hailed her. Hermione nodded. "Then let me accompany you – you can't be late if you arrive with the teacher now, can you?"

As Hermione entered the DADA classroom with Snape, she turned and muttered a few words of thanks before finding herself a seat. In that brief moment they both were distracted, a number of significant looks passed around the room.

Snape walked up to the front of the class and turned in his trademark billow of black. "I will have no foolish giggling in this class, and no nudges and winks when you think I'm not looking. This is a subject that will be taken seriously. Do I make myself clear?" He glared around the class as they all nodded at him. "Good. Quills and parchment out. The main topics we shall be covering this term are on the board, and you will take notes as I detail them." Snape waited a few seconds until the rustle of parchment died down. "Now, I shall begin."

As the end of the lesson drew near, Snape rose from his chair behind the desk to draw everyone's attention to him. As they all looked up from the pamphlets in front of them, he spoke. "It is time to pack up for the day. Put your things away, and come to the front in an orderly fashion to collect your new course work books. You're next lesson with me is Wednesday morning, so see to it that you have read the first two chapters of each by then. You are dismissed."

Snape leant his hip against the desk and watched as the class queued to pick up their books from the piles on the front of his desk. He frowned as Weasley and Malfoy stood in line. He'd spotted Draco as he furtively groped the male Weasley during the lesson. He would have to think of a suitable way to punish them for that transgression, preferably by the next lesson. In the meanwhile, he would let them think they had got away with it

Hermione was the last to collect hers. "Thank you, sir. You were right. I think that I will find several of the topics in this course most interesting. I will see you on Wednesday, if not before."

Snape nodded with a smile. "My pleasure, Miss Granger."

AN My thanks to my beta, Tempest of Dreams, for all her work and suggestions, as well as giving me the nudge to try and get this done by the deadline when I'd given up on it. Love to Brian for child wrangling, amongst many things.