How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic
dracontia14 Reviews | 14 Ratings, 0 Likes, 10 Favorites )
Sadly, the title is the best part of this story. Lavender Brown gets in a tight spot. Can she get out of it by making a deal with the devil? No? Okay, how about a deal with Filch? (I almost added 'angst' to the description on that account!) In the process, Argus Filch gets his magic and squicks the living snot out of you, the reader! Doesn't that sound fun?
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About dracontia
Author
dracontia
Member Since 2006 | 69 Stories | Favorited by 208 | 51 Reviews Written | 1,397 Review Responses
Mostly Harmless! Though I have to admit, I'm even stranger than I appear. ;-) There's a pile of unbeta'd stuff on my LJ (dracfic) if you're interested in Raw, Untamed, fanfic.
Believe it or not, "How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic" has been rec'ed by Know It Alls! It's true! They gave me this pretty lil' ribbon and everything! And in March 2007, they saw fit to likewise reccommend (as an antidote to angst) the story that started it all, 'Courtesy of Your Fairy God-Jarvey'--just in time for the first anniversary of that story's posting! *hugs Harm*
(I also have to admit that 'mostly harmless' may not be the most apt description of a member of the Mad Chatters...)
Reviews for How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic
Damn hilarious!
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
Thank you! 
It was fun to write, so long as I didn't _think_ too much about it! 
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
Thank you! It was fun to write, so long as I didn't _think_ too much about it!
You know, there are people out there getting their blood pressure up about genetic engineering. Now, what's a few toad genes in your potatoes,compared with the thought of the offspring that Filch and Doris could produce! :)
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
Oh, dear... toad genes in potatoes... Forris babies...
I think the end of the world is nigh, either way.
Gah! Although, it is the best explanation for Mrs. Norris I've ever seen.
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
LOL Infernal inspiration can be wonderful at times... Glad you got something out of it, though characterizing it as 'enjoyment' might be a little optimistic, given the subject matter. Thanks for the review!
This was hysterical. There's just something so delicious about Lavender, the fashion maven of Hogwarts, making over the only canon figure that really makes Snape (canon book Snape) seem dashingly handsome in comparison. And it's scary how much this sense this Hermione's rationale for wanting Ron is. And the Mrs. Norris angle was perfect.
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
Thank you for the kind words on what I still consider a very ugly little tale! I'm just glad you found the combination of the incorrigible accomplishing the impossible by the most implausible means imaginable, entertaining. :)Here's to interspecies romance! (Cat X Grapefruit) LOL~dracontia (actively promoting 'Irony as the Universal Language' day)
i was getting scared to read it for fear there would be filch sex. but the rating reassured me. thank you for leaving it out!
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
You're very much welcome! I would be scared to WRITE Filch sex, so you're safe with me in that regard. In fact, I think you're pretty brave for reading this at all--I've really got to stop responding to challenges unless I can come up with something better than this. Thanks for the review!
I really have to thank you for not writing more detailed information about Filch's date. I was rather sick at the mention of "Filch" and "virginity" in the same sentence. *shudders*
Good story, tho. ;)
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
If it makes you feel better, I squicked myself just writing as much (or as little) as I did! Talk about wanting to shoot the plot bunny... If Filch wants more detail, he'll have to find another writer to do his dirty work for him.Thanks for reviewing! (Oh, and I hear the next chapter of the Sex Ed story is almost through the queue...)
Ahhh - le pussibilities! ;))
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
LOL I prefer to think as little as puss-ible about them!
doris is... wow....bad mental picture of the old broad but at least filch had it!
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
Oh, yeah--Doris: bad mental picture. Doris + Filch = Worse mental picture! Thank goodness for 'fade to black!' 
I had the same reaction as Hermione when Lavender talked of the last plan. You have some mind, dracontia, and Merlin only knows what you'll come up with next.Hilarious and cute story - you even made me feel sorry for Lavender for a few minutes! :)
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
*Merlin speaking* "I have no clue what dracontia will come up with next."*Cassandra* "I know! I know! 'The Ring on Her Finger,' and, in no particular order, a Sex Ed story and Jarvey sequel!"*Merlin, shakes his head* "I can't believe it."(The weak Classical/Late Middle Ages humor interlude is now over. Thanks for your patience.)That's a new height (or maybe a new low) for me, if I can evoke any measure of sympathy for Lavender!
Here's to Challenges! And especially to SSL and dracontia! WOOT!
I'd call it - ehm, inventive. LOL! And funny!
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
Thank you! I was thinking it needed a genre called 'squick', but 'inventive' works nicely!
Too cute.
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
You're too kind!
That was brilliant. I loved your Lavender, liked your Hermione and Doris (that was nearly a stroke of genius), and Filch ... well, he had to be part of the story, hadn't he? 
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
Darn that pesky Filch! Were it not for him... well, I guess there wouldn't be a story. I'm trying to figure out if that's a good or bad thing! As for Doris... yes, 'stroke' may be the operative word there (feels woozy)Poor Lavender! All she wants is to make the world more beautiful, one face at a time. Thank goodness there are lovely folks like you who understand her. 
~snicker~ Poor sod. I'm imagining his expression when he finds out his Doris is actually his sweet.... Teehee
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
Imagine when he finds out Doris dated his dad! YIKES!
ha ha! that is realy good! perfect in fact...
Response from dracontia (Author of How Argus Filch Got Wild, Got Laid, and Got His Magic)
Thank you very much!
Mr. Filch is enjoying his moment of glory... :)