Bitterness

Disclaimer: All characters are for J.K.R. of course. Plot thought of by Betz. The other stuff belongs to me!

As always, a big thanks to the brilliant Charmed Nay for being my beta!

A/N: I feel as though I must warn you. I started out with this wicked plan of Hermione's, and it was going just fine. Then, I ended up doing something different with it as a dang plot bunny harassed me! So, just a bit of Angst here.

Hermione hadn't slept at all. The longer she had lain there thinking, the angrier she had become. That bastard had the nerve to hold her tightly all through the night, and he'd slept so soundly, as if nothing was wrong. As if he hadn't tried to seduce her in the form of a gigolo! How often had he chuckled to himself about the trick he was playing on her? He had known the entire time that she wanted him!

All of the fucking guilt that she'd felt for caring for Libertine and for giving him a hand job was uncalled for. For days, she had privately felt disappointed in herself for giving a sexual favor to a man other than Severus. She'd felt like a harlot! It wasn't another man. It was her lover the entire time. She could have sworn that he'd really fallen for her. He had only started paying attention to her and trying to talk to her when she'd made arrangements to see Libertine. If he figured he couldn't have her as the gigolo, he would use the things he learned about her to woo her as himself then. That had to be it. She seethed in remembrance of the little joke he'd made while down in Cardiff about practicing with him for another man. She smirked to herself. You don't even know the half of it, Severus. I'll see that you feel like an arse for doing this to me.

"Good morning," his silky voice said, penetrating her thoughts. "Feeling better?"

"No," she said crisply. "I think I need to be off to see Poppy for a vial of something to help. Then, I want to go to my chambers for a while to rest. I didn't sleep well last night."

"I should have made you take that potion. I have some here," he said, moving to get up. She placed a hand on his chest.

"That's not necessary. This is a woman thing, and I need a potion made specifically for that. Poppy has some." She moved away from him, summoning her things to her. "I'll talk to you later, Severus." She had changed her clothes earlier, and to be honest, she should have left. But, she wanted him to feel that something wasn't right. If she had just left with no explanation or even a note, he would have sought her out. This way he would know she wasn't happy, and he would leave her in peace. Hopefully.

"What's making you angry, Hermione?" he asked, beginning to worry that he'd done something wrong.

"I'm just not feeling well," she said. She turned back to him before she left. "You know, Severus, you might want to be careful what you leave hanging around."

"Meaning?" he asked, becoming annoyed.

"I found a letter. I wasn't prying, mind. I was sitting by the grate. You had apparently tried to throw it into the fire. I checked to be sure that it was rubbish before throwing it in. Do you know what it was?" she asked acridly. He remained silent. He hoped she would not say that it was one of his gigolo letters. It would not do for her to find out about that, not now. "No idea then, eh?" She frowned for a moment. "It was from a woman named Lonnie."

"What did it say?" he asked, rising to approach her.

"Not much. Just that she was married and disappointed that you were calling things off. I hope that this was before you started to see me, Severus," she said, hoping to make him feel guilty.

"I never touched her after you and I decided to make a go of things," he said honestly, feeling panic rising. Her eyes looked cold even though her voice was calm. "When you said that you were interested, I owled her to break things off."

"It's just very discouraging to know that you were really involved with someone, and I interrupted something that you'd started. She left her husband! Maybe she left him because of you! I feel as if I've stolen someone's lover," she said, pouting slightly. He moved to hold her, but she put up her hand to stop him. "I just need a bit of time. I already feel bad, and this just adds to it. Bye." She quickly stalked off, leaving him alone and upset.

The moment she was in her chambers, she sat down at her desk to write out an owl.

My Libertine,

Hermione

There. That ought to blow the bastard's mind. "He'll probably be licking his lips knowing that he gets to see me again and play more tricks with my mind," she said aloud while sealing the parchment. She quickly went to the Owlery to have the owl send it to him. She sneered, remembering that night she'd owled him. What a fool she had been! She honestly believed that the owl had made a mistake with the Sev name. It had delivered its message to the correct person after all. Angrily, she went to her chambers to await her reply. She had an instinct that he'd be writing back very soon.

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Severus was gobsmacked. Innocent, loving Hermione wanted to turn to another man. She wanted Libertine. She didn't feel well enough to stay and visit with him, but she felt well enough to traipse off with another man! "Fucking Libertine," he roared, kicking a nearby chair over. He threw her parchment into his fire, but immediately, he regretted it. He summoned it out, but it was too late. He nearly burnt his hands in the process. Growling, he reached down to flip his table over. Severus grabbed two jars and flung them across the room. They shattered on contact with his wall.

The irony of this was that she was planning to betray him with...him. He thought about what her note said again. She was miffed that he'd not made advances on her since they'd been back. Well, it wasn't as if he didn't want to. She hadn't seemed to be in the mood, and he didn't want to push her. "Fuck," he said, pounding his hand down on the shelf next to him. The vibrations made another jar tip off and fall to its doom onto the floor.

If Severus would happen to see Lonnie, he might strangle her for the trouble that she'd ended up causing him. He supposed he should be thankful that Hermione didn't realize that he was Libertine. If she knew that, there was no telling whom she might turn to. How could she think that he would seek anyone else after he'd been with her? The only reason he became a bloody gigolo in the first place was to find someone like her. He'd only slept with four women during his stint as a gigolo. He wasn't doing it for the sex. He was doing it because he'd believed that he couldn't have her. If he hadn't desired her in the first place, there never would have been a Lonnie, but how could he explain this truthfully without telling her he was Libertine?

He'd thought about telling her the truth briefly earlier, before the owl came, but if she were that upset by a letter, how would she feel if she knew everything? He just prayed that she would never make the connection. He tidied up the mess his jealous rage had caused before sitting to reply to her letter.

Severus felt as if he had no choice but to meet her. If he didn't, she might feel abandoned, and try to seek out help from another. He couldn't bear to think of her with someone else. He would kill any wizard that touched her. He was glad that he had blocked all owls from women to Libertine, save owls from Hermione.

Hermione,

Sev Libertine

It sounded fair enough. He quickly made his way out of the castle and to Hogsmeade to use one of the owls there. He looked around for Hermione on his way out and back in, but she was not about. She was likely to still be up in her room resting...or awaiting a reply.

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Hermione smiled ruefully. Could these words be true? Did he really leave Lonnie alone because he wanted to be with only Hermione? He honestly did leave his clients alone. Luna had confirmed that early on, as her cousin was his client. Hermione wondered if Luna's cousin would be Lonnie. No, that name didn't sound like the name she remembered. Libertine had said that he'd found someone.

Severus probably did love her. Now it made more sense for Libertine to feel something for her after only two visits. That had nagged at her since he'd told her. It just seemed too quick. How long had Severus wanted her? Why was he a gigolo in the first place? How many tricks did he turn whilst in the trade?

Shaking her confused thoughts away, Hermione had plans to make, lingerie to choose from, and a bath to take. She would seduce Libertine, and then she would force him to reveal himself. He shouldn't have lied to her. He shouldn't have accepted her as a client in the first place. That was dirty...wrong. He deserved a little punishment. Nodding at her decision, she stalked off to have her bath.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HG ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hello, Hermione," he said, pleased that she had not dressed provocatively for another man. Maybe that was a good sign. Maybe she only wanted to talk. He could give her advice and point her back in his direction.

"Libertine," she said, looking as if she might cry. She ran forward and threw her arms around the surprised gigolo. She buried her head in his chest. "I don't know what to do."

He pulled back to look at her. "What is so wrong in your life that you would need to see me again, Hermione? It can't just be because of some letter a witch wrote to your lover. Tell me."

"I am unsure about everything." She smiled softly. "I have also not been able to get you out of my mind. I found myself on the most romantic weekend I could have only dreamt of, but at times, I would think of you."

"At what times?" he asked, flashing eyes visible beneath his mask.

She could hear the anger in his voice. Feels good to be lied to, doesn't it? "Well, for example, after my lover fell asleep one night, I wondered what you were doing and if you would find the happiness that I had thought I found."

"But, you did find it," he said, his voice softened.

"No, I don't think so. I read that whore's note! She...what if she takes him away from me? How do I honestly know that he isn't still seeing her? I specifically asked him a few questions, and he was very evasive," she said, playing her role perfectly.

"He's not. He never loved her," he said, willing her to believe him. "He loves only you."

"Oh," she sobbed, "how would you know? He can be very deceptive when he wants." She swiped at her eyes. "I need something else tonight." Did he mean what he said? She prayed that he did. There was only one way to find out for sure. If he would just come clean with her right then, she wouldn't be as upset. She was still being deceived. Part of her had hoped that she would Apparate in to see Severus waiting for her. Livid and jealous and showing he cared! But, there sat his Libertine persona. She'd get to the bottom of it, once and for all.

Severus took a step back. "What do you need?" Please don't let her try to make love to me. Hermione began unbuttoning her robes while Severus sat down on the settee. She was going to betray him. He would never be able to trust her. Never. She was worried about trust? Ha! "If you try to seduce me, Hermione, I am afraid that I shall have to turn you down. Remember last time? You felt badly after because I was not the one you cared for."

"Yes, I did, but that was also when I was still a bit innocent in the ways of the world. I've learned a lot from my lover. You know," she said with a smile, "he even asked me if I was practicing on him for another lover. Odd, isn't it?"

"Were you?" he asked, his voice accusing.

"No. I do care for him, and this may sound selfish, but I want to know how it feels to have another lover. He's had one. Had many for all I know. Why can't I?" she asked saucily, continuing to undo her buttons.

Severus could have shaken some sense into her, but he kept his hands to himself. How dare she act like such a pillock? Didn't she realize how idiotic she sounded? It was time for Libertine to talk some sense into her...before things would be irreparable between them. "Hermione, you aren't thinking clearly. Why would you do this? You are smarter than this. You need to speak to him. I will not have you in my bed this night...or any night. I told you I would come here to," Shit! He swallowed hard as she pulled off her robes. "...talk. Only to talk. No sex, Hermione."

"I don't need sex. Didn't you say what we did last time wasn't really sex? You also promised me the first night that you could bring me to an orgasm without penetration. Were those not your words, Sev?" she asked brazenly. "I want to know how it feels to have an orgasm with someone else. I suppose we don't have to do anything further, since you are bent on denying me."

"Hermione...no," he pleaded, absently licking his lips as one of her hands reached up to trace the line of her cleavage.

"Please, I need this. I have to know how it feels," she said softly. She raised her chin defiantly, "If not you, then I will go to someone else, but I want it to be you. You are the only one that I feel something for besides my lover."

He bowed his head in defeat and sighed. Severus didn't want her to go to anyone else. With his shoulders slumped, he walked forward, took her hand, and led her to the bed. "Lay down," he said unemotionally.

"That's it?"

"Hermione, please," he said quietly. "This is hard for me."

"Why? You are a man. Isn't this what all men want? Willing women? Lots of them?"

"Some men, maybe," he said.

"What about you?"

"I've had many women, Hermione, but there is only one that I can say that I want," he said, reaching out to untie the silky maroon ties holding her knickers together. He noticed that she stiffened. "Speak now if this isn't what you want."

"How many women?" she demanded.

"As a gigolo?"

"Yes."

"Four." He shook his head. "Five, if I count you."

"Haven't you been a gigolo for long?"

"A few months," he replied, pulling down the front of her knickers, revealing her sex. He smiled faintly. He'd come to know her body so well. He knew exactly what it took to make her writhe, moan, and scream out in pleasure. He pondered briefly at making her experience an awful one. Should he? He brought his sad eyes to meet hers. There seemed to be some regret in her eyes. "Please tell me to stop, Hermione." He didn't want her to go through with this. He knew in his mind that she wasn't really cheating on him, since he was the man she had chosen, but in her mind it was cheating. Single-minded and planned cheating. She seemed to be out for some vengeance. He didn't deserve this because of some old letter that should have been incinerated the night he'd read it.

"He hasn't touched me since we've been home," she said, untying the top satin ties. "Maybe he tired of me already."

"Maybe he was waiting for you to make the first move. Maybe he was respecting that you didn't feel well and that you were tired," he retorted irritably. "Maybe you aren't thinking things through by running off to be with another man. Where does he think that you are now?"

"He thinks I am sick and in my room. He tried to see me earlier, but I sent him away," she said softly. "Please don't try to make me feel guilty. If you don't want me either, just say it. I'll leave." She tried to act hurt, and she hoped that he would think she was serious. She knew damn well that Severus wanted her. This was just a little game to play with his mind. She should feel really proud of herself because she seemed to be affecting him more than she could have imagined. The only bad thing was that, she'd assumed he would pounce on her as soon as she came in. She had to coax him to even touch her, and he looked so disappointed in her. His eyes were haunting. She closed her eyes, not wanting to see his pain. She only wanted to remember hers.

"Did you tell him that you hired me to teach you how to please him?" he asked suddenly, tracing her thigh with a lone finger.

Her eyes snapped open. "What?"

"You heard me. Were you forthcoming about us?"

"I didn't think it would be a good idea to mention I had paid a man to teach me about sex, no. What is your point?" she asked uneasily.

"My point is, Hermione, that you and he are guilty of the same thing. You have me that you are trying to keep secret, and he had this woman that he was trying to keep secret." His finger moved up to play idly in her trimmed thatch of pubic hair. "Why didn't you tell him?"

"I thought maybe he would think that I was...a slut. I thought he wouldn't want me," she admitted.

"Maybe he didn't tell you his secret because he thought that you would be disappointed as well," he murmured. "Tell me, Hermione. Do you want me to do this?"

He could tell by the darkening of her eyes that his finger's caresses had been turning her on. Her body seemed to be arching upward slightly. "I...do," she said meekly. "And, I don't. I'm confused again."

"Decide, love," he said. She whimpered. He had sounded so much like himself just then. Her body answered for her as it arched into his finger. Hermione closed her eyes. Oddly enough, she didn't want to see this odd Severus stroking her. It felt like cheating. Good Lord, if he loves me, he must truly be devastated. No wonder he looks and sounds so upset. He thinks that I think I am cheating on him.

Hermione was confused. She had wanted to hurt him. She had wanted him to believe that she was ridiculously fickle, had not faith in him, and that she cared about Libertine. Now that she had achieved that...well, it didn't feel so great. "Take your mask off," she said, eyes still closed.

"No," he said softly, dipping his finger into her a little roughly before bringing it out to circle around her waiting nub. He was glad that her eyes were closed, or she might see the sheen of tears welling in his eyes. She didn't love him, as he'd believed. He would never forgive her for this. He couldn't believe that she would do this to him. Severus knew deep down that he would never deserve her. It's why he became Libertine in the first place.

Her hand moved over his to still his movements. His eyes met hers, each pair holding questions. "Severus, take off your mask."

He pulled his hand away from hers and stepped back. "Wh-why did you call me his given name? Don't you usually call me Sev?" His heart was pounding. She couldn't have guessed. She couldn't know. He'd been very careful.

She bit her lip. "I'm calling you Severus because I know who you truly are. I figured it out last night, and..." Were those tears in his eyes? Was his lip trembling slightly? Bloody mask! She couldn't be sure. "I'm sorry. I was angry."

"Is that why you treated me that way? Hermione...this is unforgivable," he said backing away. He took off his mask, fixed his eyes and hair. There was no use. She knew what he'd done. He was ashamed of himself, but he was also hurt that she would go through such lengths to punish him.

Suddenly his nearly naked witch sprang up angrily. "Unforgivable? This? If I didn't love you, I would allow you to continue believing that I was here to betray you!" she yelled hotly. Then, in a soft voice said, "You betrayed me first, Severus."

"I have not been with Lonnie," he bellowed. "When you told me that you wanted me, I wrote to her and ended things. I wrote to my other, and only, client and ended things as well. FOR YOU!" He smirked. "That's right. I only continued seeing two of the four."

"That's not what I mean. I meant the deception. You accepted me as a client, knowing that you would likely end up seducing me. I should have meant more to you than some piece of arse," she yelled.

He stalked forward and grabbed her arms to shake her. "I became a gigolo because of you, you idiot! Why do you think I've only bedded four women? I had many offers! I turned anyone down that didn't resemble you. Why did I turn down Lovegood? Why did I describe you in hopes that she would tell you about me? Because I have wanted you for a long time, Hermione. I just never thought I could have you. This was just the best way to find someone like you."

"But, Lonnie was married!"

"So, what? If I would have gotten on well with her, then I would have asked her to leave her unhappy marriage!" He was still yelling. Hermione wondered if any others could hear their argument. She hadn't seen him this angry for a long time. "After I got to know her, which we had only a handful of visits, I knew it would merely be sexual between us. A mutual agreement. I never promised her anything. I never promised anyone anything except you," he spat angrily. He released her arms and began stalking to the door.

"Severus, wait!" she yelled, running after him. "Don't leave."

"Don't leave?" he asked in an incredulous whisper.

"No, please...just...stay with me. I do need you. We can find a way to-"

"ENOUGH!" He picked her up over his shoulder and stalked over to the bed, plopping her down. Without looking at her, he unfastened his trousers, and he lowered them only slightly. He kneed her legs apart. In one solid stroke, he entered her, making her cry out. She wasn't as wet as he'd thought, but he knew this wouldn't hurt her. He could already feel her moistening in welcome. It felt odd to have so many layers of clothing on while making love...no, fucking her. He brought his mouth down to nip at her breasts as he pounded into her over and over.

"Oh, don't stop...don't stop...don't stop," she chorused. Her legs had wrapped around him tightly, and her fingers were desperately seeking his bare flesh through the sleeves of his robes. "Oh, my God! SEVERUS!" He knew that she was lost. He could feel her convulsing around him, and he decided there was no need to prolong this rutting any longer than need be.

He came in jerky spurts and finally slowed his harsh strokes. She smiled softly when he looked at her. His hardened heart nearly melted. He bent down to give her a long, soft, lingering kiss. "I loved you," he whispered. CRACK!

Hermione blinked. He was gone. "No," she screamed. "Come back." What had she done? Tears welled up and spilled down her face. He fucked her and left her. Now she truly knew how it felt to be a whore. His whore. Why hadn't she just talked to him? In her haste to tie her nightie back up and find her robes, she knocked the lamp off the nightstand. It shattered. Just as her heart was shattering. Just as his must have shattered. She tried to pick the pieces up, but she only cut her fingers. Had she cut him too deeply? Unfortunately, she believed she had. "Severus, no," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry." She had to calm herself for a moment, so as to not splinch herself when she Disapparated.

She Apparated just outside the main gate of Hogwarts, and she ran all the way to the castle, down the corridors, and into the dungeons. Peeves had tried to harass her on the way, but she paid him no attention. Hermione ran through his classroom and found his door. She began beating on Severus' office door. "Severus, please let me in." She knocked, kicked, and banged on the door for a couple of minutes before sliding down to cry in a tortured heap. "I love you," she whispered repeatedly.

She heard footsteps and saw a black boot in front of her. She looked up through teary eyes hopefully and began to cry harder. It was only Harry...and Ron. They were looking at her with horror on their faces. "Mione?"

She shook her head. "Go ahead," she said. "It's my fault."

"She's bleeding," Ron yelled. "Bloody hell, Mione, what's happened?"

"Where is Snape?" Harry asked.

"I'm...tr-trying...to fi-find him now," she sobbed. "I ne-need to se-ee him."

Harry picked her up and cradled her almost like a baby. "Let's bring her down to your hut, Ron. See if we can't calm her down to see what's happened."

"Right, come on," Ron said.

"Severus isn't here," she wailed. "I need to find him. I need him."

~~~~~~~~~~~ SS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ HG ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Severus sat in the dark room of his family home after having summoned a bottle of Firewhisky to him. He needed to get her out of his head. Once and for all. There could be no going back. All of those things that she'd admitted to him. The way she truly thought about him. Oh, she had chosen the perfect way to punish him for his deed. How the fuck did she figure it out? One simple letter couldn't have told her anything.

He'd hoped for her, he'd been able to love her, and he'd experienced how it felt to lose her. He missed her already. Things could never change for them. She would never understand why he did what he did, and she would never understand how much he really loved her. So be it. He was Severus Sydney Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! He would not grovel to anyone. He would just get back to the way things were before he'd dared to allow himself to dream of a life with her. It wouldn't be hard for him. Not at all.

A/N: Ducks down and runs to avoid the howlers!! Hahahaha! See what I meant by my note at the top? I don't know what happened. It just turned sad. Sigh. Never fear! I shall fix it up.

I have a great idea for some help with patching the pair up. hehe...