Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Several weeks had gone by, and Hermione found herself once again in Severus' Potions lab. She couldn't remember the last time he'd said more than five words to her. She had resigned herself to working silently while there.

That's why she looked up in shock when Severus approached her.

"Tell me more about my other self," he demanded.

"What... what do you want to know?"

"Why do you think I was so different?"

Hermione looked away. "I'm not quite sure. You both had similar experiences from the war, I think." She looked back to him. "Maybe you should tell me of your experiences."

Severus scowled.

"Come now. How am I supposed to know what's different if you don't tell me?"

"Fine." He glared at her again.

"Severus," Hermione asked tentatively. "Why are you bringing this up right now?"

"Let's just say I'm curious, all right?" he snapped.

Hermione frowned deeply at him. "Fine. You joined Voldemort as a Death Eater at a young age. Dumbledore recruited you to be a spy. You told me that you had been close to joining on your own, but someone had convinced you not to do so. You found it ironic that Dumbledore asked you to spy after that."

"Wait a minute." Severus looked up at her curiously. "I didn't join the Death Eaters on my own, then turn against them right before Lily's death?"

She shook her head, eyeing Severus the whole while. "You were a spy from the start."

"Is Lily dead in your universe?"

Hermione nodded her head. "She was killed by Voldemort."

"How can that be, I was the one who heard the prophecy about Potter."

Hermione's eyebrow rose. "Lucius Malfoy heard it in my timeline. I don't even think you had a part to play in that. My gosh, Severus, you heard the prophecy? You must have felt horrible to have been the one who alerted Voldemort about your friend."

Severus grumbled and stalked away. Hermione gazed after him, puzzled by his odd behavior. Following him, she laid her hand on his arm.

"Severus?"

He shook her off.

"Do you think that was the difference?" she asked quietly.

His head was bowed and he said nothing.

"Severus, Lucius didn't know who was meant in the prophecy. Did you?"

He shook his head.

"Then you can't blame yourself."

She balked at the silence from him. Reaching out, she tried to turn him. He wouldn't move. She placed her hand on his back instead.

"He was a psychopath, Severus. There was nothing you could have done. It's not your fault."

Severus pulled away and stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

---

Severus stalked down the hallway. He'd been foolish to ask the chit about his other self. He had been curious since she'd arrived... so curious that he'd been losing sleep, wondering if his life could have possibly been like the other Severus'. He couldn't imagine what the difference could have been. Now he knew.

No love for Lily, no heard prophecy, and no stigma of having been a Death Eater. It was very different to be a spy from day one. No wonder the man was so nice. Perfect, if what Granger had said was true.

Someone had convinced his other self not to become a Death Eater. Well, where had that someone been in his youth?

He stormed to his room and slammed the door behind him too. He didn't notice that the door bounced open again with the force he'd put into slamming it.

What would it have been like to not carry the guilt of killing Lily around with me all those years? I would be Mr. Perfect too!

He stalked over to his desk and looked down at the picture that was placed on it. The photo he'd taken from Grimmauld place looked back at him. Lily spotted him and waved before turning her gaze back to her missing son, who had been torn away and left on the floor to rot as far as Severus cared.

He picked up the picture and stroked Lily's hair. She smiled at him again. He shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I never meant to hurt you." The tears he could never control when thinking of her began to fall. He closed his eyes and turned his head away from the photograph.

"I wish I had been smarter, and stronger, and better. Why couldn't I have been like him?"

"Because you had your own path to walk," a voice said from behind him.

He wheeled around to find Granger standing close to him.

"How did you..."

She motioned toward the door. "You left the door open. I knocked, but you didn't hear me."

"Did it occur to you that I might have been ignoring you?"

She reached up and wiped a tear from his eye. "No, it didn't."

Severus flinched away from her. Who did she think she was, trying to comfort him?

"Leave me, I wish to be alone."

"You always wish to be alone, Severus. It's time you weren't... alone."

"I am not your soft-hearted Severus. I do not need you or anyone else to be my friend!"

Hermione seemed as if she were about to say something, but then she closed her mouth. "All right. I want you to know, though, that I am your friend, whether you want me to be or not. I will always be here if you want to talk more about this."

His eyes met hers. He expected to see guile in them. Expected her words to just be platitudes and her heart to not be in the things she'd just said. However, when he looked into her eyes, he saw sincerity. He marveled at it.

"Why do you care?" he asked quietly. "I have been nothing but rude to you ever since you got here?"

Hermione huffed. "I'm glad you noticed," she chastised. Softening, she continued. "Severus, you were my friend in another universe. A dear friend. I've cherished my friendship with you in that world. I know you're not that Severus, but I miss my friend." Tears were forming unbidden in her eyes. "I would have done anything for that Severus Snape. Anything. I'm not saying that we can have that strong of a relationship. I'm sure you wouldn't want that. But I would like to call you my friend and be treated like a friend as well. This whole transition has been difficult for me. I've missed being able to confide in you."

Severus stared at her incredulously. "I am no confidant, Hermione," he said distastefully.

She nodded and looked down. "I know. I know you're not him. I know that. Couldn't we just start over and maybe be civil to one another? Couldn't you respect me for my abilities instead of berating me at every turn?" A stray tear fell down her cheek. "Couldn't you just try?"

Severus sighed. He stared into Hermione's eyes again and saw her hurt. He'd been horrid to her. He needed to change that behavior.

"I will try... Hermione."

She nodded slowly. He wondered if she believed him at all. Before he could say another word, she'd turned and was heading for the door. "I'll leave you alone. Remember, I am your friend and am willing to listen to you whenever you need it."

He stared after her as she left the room. Who was this woman? He was nasty to her, and she just came back for more. And she insisted on being his friend. Why? Her explanations seemed credible enough, but why him? Had she really been that close to his counterpart? Did she really want to be that close to him? Had her trip between realities left her senseless?

Glancing back at the portrait of Lily, he remembered Hermione's words. They were words he'd told himself over and over again. The Dark Lord had been a psychopath. It hadn't been his fault. But he'd never truly believed them. He hadn't believed them when they came from Dumbledore either.

There was just something about Dumbledore that had set Severus on edge. He always felt he was only a concern to Albus because he was so valuable. He never knew if what Albus said was because he was using him, or because he truly cared. His assertions that he was not responsible for Lily's death had gone unrecognized. He just couldn't trust Dumbledore's words. Besides, he knew that no matter what Albus said, he was guilty.

But hearing those words from Hermione had been different. Why? His heart constricted at the thought of her. His attraction to her had not relented in the few weeks she'd been here. He'd been hoping that because she wasn't the Hermione he'd known, it would be easy to cast her out of his mind, but it hadn't. Part of the reason he'd had no sleep was because he was constantly thinking of her and her relationship with his other self. It was odd to be jealous of a man who didn't exist in this reality, but the truth was... he was incredibly jealous. He wished he could have such a relationship with Hermione.

Maybe he could. She wanted something with him. He doubted it went anywhere past friendship; she had Perry after all. But maybe if he could calm his temper down, he could have some sort of friendship. He hadn't been close to a woman since his friendship with Lily had broken apart. He'd carefully guarded his heart and kept only the most cordial of friendships with the women he knew. Maybe it was time to start anew and give a friendship with Hermione Granger a try.

---

Well, he didn't hex me into oblivion; I suppose that's a good thing.

Hermione walked down the hallway, deep in thought. She couldn't believe that she'd opened up to Severus as much as she had. He had been so right... he was no confidant. But she'd been struggling and frustrated for so long, it had all just spilled out.

Maybe something good can come of this. He did say he would try. I truly hope he does. It would be nice to have a little bit of my Severus back.

Merlin, Hermione, just stop it! She frowned at her thinking. He's never going to be that Severus Snape. Get over it! Tears formed in her eyes. I need to mourn my loss and move on. He will never be the kindly sort. I need to learn to take him as he is or forget about him completely.

She continued down the hall, wiping the wetness from her eyes. She needed something to pull her from this miserable funk she was in. A visit to Jacob was definitely in order.

---

Not much later, Hermione and Jacob were in the Room of Requirement's version of Honeydukes. Hermione nibbled on a sugar quill, and Jacob was eating a chocolate frog. They were chatting together amicably, and Hermione's mood had lifted considerably.

"So, what was bothering you before?" Jacob asked.

Hermione shook her head. "Nothing, really," she said evasively. "I was just missing things from my old timeline."

Jacob looked at her seriously. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Hermione shook her head. "No. I just came to the realization that there's no going back, and I have to accept things as they are. I think I've been trying to make them the way I remember them." She shrugged. "That's obviously not going to happen."

Jacob put his arm around her. "Isn't there anything in this timeline that is better?"

She turned her head to look at him. His face looked somber. She could tell he was thinking about their relationship.

"Jacob, you are a bright light in this new world of mine. This thing between us is definitely unexpected and much better than my life before." She studied his grin and felt the tension about them ease up.

"I have to admit that Ron is much more pleasant in this world also. It's a relief not to have to worry if he'll be a prat when I see him."

"Speaking of Ron, Harry and he are planning on stopping by again tomorrow."

"Has anything new happened?" Hermione asked with concern.

"I'm not sure. I'm sure you saw in the paper that several Muggle-borns were discovered and executed."

Hermione frowned and nodded. "Jacob, this is just so horrible! Malfoy needs to be stopped soon."

"That's what we're working on, Hermione. This party might be just what we need to take Malfoy into custody and overthrow the Ministry."

Hermione shook her head. "It's very risky. Hopefully it will all work."

"Well, maybe that potion you're working on will help us to know what to do and what not to do."

Hermione frowned as she thought of her vision. Shaking her head, she looked over to Jacob. "I'm hoping it will. We need every advantage we can get."

Hermione giggled as she noted some chocolate smeared at the corner of Jacob's mouth. She leaned into him and licked and kissed the chocolate from his mouth. He turned his head slightly and captured her lips in his. Hermione let him caress her lips with his. When they pulled away, she smiled at him, but her thoughts were troubled.

Why is it every time he kisses me, I picture Severus instead of him?

She leaned back into him and tried again. This time the thoughts of Severus were even stronger. The funny thing too, she could tell this image wasn't of her Severus. It was the one who was right now probably in his dungeon, brewing. A shiver went through her as Jacob's lips kissed her, but Severus Snape stood in front of her in her mind's eye.

This really isn't good... Not good at all.

---

Hermione lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Her thoughts were a muddled jumble and she couldn't get her mind off Severus.

Why can't I forget about him? He's horrid to me. And Jacob is wonderful. I should be doing cartwheels that someone like him is interested in me. I enjoy his company, I really do. It's only when he kisses me... What's wrong with me? A handsome man is interested in me, and all I can think about is that snark-master who hides away in the dungeons all day. I must truly be daft.

She shook her head and rolled over onto her side. Fluffing up her pillow, she dropped her head onto it.

Get some rest, girl. You can't let this keep you up all night.

Her potion-induced vision came back to her. She closed her eyes and sighed. If this kept up the way it was going, it was no wonder she would break up with Jacob in a few weeks.

I've never been one to string someone along, continuing in a relationship only because there was nothing better that came around. Maybe I shouldn't have started anything with Jacob right now. I knew...

Her eyes suddenly filled with tears. She wiped them away.

What's wrong with me? I'm a mess! I need to stop falling apart whenever I think of my lost Severus.

I knew I still had feelings for him. Did I jump into this relationship with Jacob too quickly? I thought I didn't string men along.

Her hands came up and wound themselves in her hair. She tugged softly and groaned in exasperation.

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. Either these stupid visions of Severus go away, or I'm going to need to really sit down and evaluate my relationship with Jacob.

---

Hermione scribbled some notes on her parchment, and then wandered over to her cauldron. Not only had Severus eased up in the last few weeks and allowed her to brew things that were more along the lines of her abilities, but he'd let her use his lab for her vision potion also. He'd sneered at her and mumbled something about the potion being a bunch of nonsense, but had grudgingly nodded his head when she'd asked if she could use his lab once a week for research on it.

Usually, Severus would leave her to herself, but on this night, he brewed silently in the corner. Hermione poured some of her potion into a flask and looked it over.

"Maybe more armadillo bile?" she mumbled to herself.

"Pardon?" Severus asked from the corner.

She looked over at him, a bit startled. She'd actually forgotten he was there; she'd been so absorbed in her work.

"Oh, I was just talking to myself about this potion."

Severus placed his stirrer next to his cauldron and wandered over to her.

"You do realize that talking to oneself is a sign of a deranged mind?" he quipped with a smirk.

She gave him a sideways glance. "Then you must be batty as a loon. I hear you yammering over in your corner at least once every Wednesday night."

Although Severus frowned, she could tell he wasn't angry. He actually looked slightly amused.

Score one for the witch, she thought.

"What exactly are you trying to accomplish?" Severus asked.

"I'm trying to concentrate the effects of this potion so it can be more specific."

"Why do you need to do that?"

"We're trying to use this to better our chances with Malfoy. If we can direct the visions this potion produces for a specific timeframe and be centered on Malfoy, we might be able to figure out how to bring his regime down."

Severus nodded. "What were you mumbling about, then?"

"I was wondering if more armadillo bile would bring about the desired effect."

Severus shook his head and shifted his body a bit closer to the flask she was holding.

"I don't think that would do the trick. The armadillo might make the vision clearer, but I don't think it would make you able to direct the vision where you wanted it."

Hermione frowned. "I thought as much." She turned the flask in her hand. "What about powdered dragon horn?"

"Possibly... However, I think that would just extend the length of the vision."

She grunted in exasperation. "Severus, I've been working on this for weeks now. I can't come up with anything that will help to concentrate the potions visions."

Severus tapped his finger to his chin. "Have you tried runespoor eggs?"

She nodded. That was the first thing I tried. It actually did nothing but deepen the color."

"I would think it would give you the ability to think about a specific time period."

She shook her head. "It didn't change anything."

"What about ginger, or scarab beetles?" Severus asked as he looked at her.

"The ginger gave me a clearer vision, so I've kept it in the brew. However, I still couldn't direct the vision. As for the scarab beetles, well, they caused the potion to explode."

Severus gave a startled look. "I didn't see any evidence of an explosion. Were you hurt?"

"I burned my hand, but Poppy fixed it up right away." She smiled at him. "I can clean up after myself, Severus. I didn't want you to come to a lab that was a mess."

Severus harrumphed. He stared at the red liquid for a while, obviously deep in thought. Suddenly he snapped his fingers.

"Ah... Jobberknoll feathers! With their memory and truth qualities, they just might be what you're looking for."

Hermione's eyes widened. "Of course! Oh, Severus, I think that just might work!" Her arms wrapped around him subconsciously and before she'd even realized it, she was hugging him. She felt him stiffen, so she began to pull away. She felt his arms go around her and pull her back. She marveled at the simple action.

When they awkwardly separated, Severus looked to the floor.

Is he blushing?

"I hope it works. We can use an advantage," he said uncomfortably.

She nodded and looked away, avoiding his gaze, which had returned to her face.

He cleared his throat. "Do you need help preparing the feathers?"

She smiled and looked up at him shyly. "Yes, that would be nice... if you have the time."

"I do," he said as he glanced over at his cauldron. "That needs to sit overnight."

They made their way to Severus' storage closet. Hermione spied the feathers first, up on a high shelf. She pulled the ladder over and climbed up, gathering the jar and slowly descending. She felt Severus' hand on her back as she descended the last few rungs. She turned to him when she'd reached the floor and gave him a curious look.

"The bottom rung sometimes gets tricky and disappears," he explained.

She furrowed her brow. "Hmmm, I've never noticed."

"The ladder must like you, then. It's constantly disappearing on me."

Hermione chuckled. "I doubt it's anything personal, Severus," she told him.

He glared at the ladder. "Perhaps," he murmured.

She laughed out loud.

"Do not laugh at me, woman," he said as he glared at her.

"Sorry!" she cried before turning and moving back into the lab. She reached the table and pulled a few feathers from the jar. Severus came up and did the same. They worked silently, removing the feathers from the quill carefully, trying to keep each small, wispy feather intact.

Soon they were ready to be added to the potion. Hermione gathered them up and dropped them into the cauldron. Severus began to stir them in.

"Ten times clockwise," Hermione advised.

He nodded, concentrating on what he was doing. When he was done, he looked up to her.

"Perhaps we should both try it?"

"I thought you considered this to be a bunch of bunk!" Hermione retorted.

He smirked. "Maybe I just want to prove you wrong."

She shook her head. "You're exasperating, you know that?"

"I believe I do," Severus countered.

She regarded him thoughtfully. "It would be a good test, though. Do you really want to experiment with it?"

He nodded.

"All right. What will you be thinking of?"

"What about something during the dinner hour tomorrow?"

"That would work."

---

She handed him a vial. He took it.

It would be foolish of you to concentrate on her. She'll need to know eventually. Maybe Trelawney... no, she never comes to dinner. Minerva? Yes, that should do.

He brought the vial to his mouth and gazed at Hermione as he tipped his head back to drink it. Immediately thoughts of his hand on her back rushed into his brain. Despite his thinking of Minerva, his vision had nothing to do with the older witch.

Hermione sat at the table between Perry and him. She was chatting with Perry, who was gesticulating wildly. No matter how hard Severus tried, he couldn't hear what was being said. Then, her hushed tones became clear.

"If that's how you feel, then fine!"

She threw her napkin on her plate, rose, and stalked out of the Hall.

Severus returned to the present and gave her a curious look.

"What did you see?"

"For the sake of the experiment, I will tell you later," he told her.

She looked at him skeptically. "All right," she said slowly. "I suppose I should do mine now."

~~~~~~~

Downing the potion, she just concentrated on the dinner hour and eating. She was surprised, then, to find herself hurrying down the hallway in her vision.

"Hermione, wait!" Jacob called from behind her.

She stopped and stood ramrod still until Jacob caught up to her. He gently turned her around.

"I was out of line, I'm sorry," he said.

Hermione's stance softened somewhat.

"You realize that he used to be my best friend. If you're going to pull this jealousy act, I really think we should reevaluate our relationship."

"Hermione, no. I just... You sometimes seem distant with me. I don't know if it's because you're thinking about your other life, but it worries me."

Hermione looked down. "I'm sorry, Jacob. Sometimes I do get caught up in the past. That doesn't mean I don't value my time with you."

Jacob's face brightened considerably. "You do?"

She nodded and smiled. "I do."

He pulled her to him and kissed her.

The shock of Severus Snape's face in her mind sent her real-self hurtling back to the present. She grimaced.

"That good, huh?" Severus asked.

She shook her head to clear it and gazed up at the man she had been fantasizing about. Damn, he's handsome when he looks at me like that!

"For the sake of experiment..." She winked at him coyly. "I will tell you later."

---

Severus watched her smile at him, wheel around, and leave his laboratory. He had become incredibly self aware when she'd winked at him. His every nerve seemed to be alert and tingling. What had she done to him? Surely, just that smile could not elicit such an involuntary response from him.

He frowned. He was in big trouble if just that look had sent him into such a state. He was in big trouble anyway. In his vision, he'd felt pleased that Perry and she had fought. As if it made any difference. She was happy as a clam with Perry. One little tiff would not a breakup make. Even if she did break up with the pill, what of it? The woman would not even consider him as a possible suitor.

He gazed at his hands, pockmarked with burns from brewing. Meandering to the mirror, he looked at himself. Drab, dark hair hung limply around his face. His nose protruded from said face awkwardly. Definitely not a candidate for the cover of Witches Weekly, that was for sure.

No, she would not be interested in him. He was no prize. He was also ancient in comparison to her. Oh, then there was the reality that was his now non-existent counterpart. He could never hope to compete with Mr. Perfect.

"Just give up now. You've lost before the contest has even begun," he said to his reflection.

The reflection scowled back, as if in total agreement with his judgment. He sighed and turned his back on the harsh visage in the mirror.