Knowi Tall Writes a Porno

Crookshanks Crackerjack Tibbles Granger enjoyed the best bits of being both a pampered pet and a phenomenal familiar. Although his witch was fully capable of attending to his (almost) every need – and if (by some miracle) the patently preposterous plan succeeded, the one need Hermione couldn’t meet would inevitably be met – she’d been absolutely pants at running her own life the last few years.

He spent much of rest of Tuesday deep in thought. This was no great chore, really. Contemplating the great mysteries of his world – and how to get round them – was how he usually passed the time. Of course, caterwauling after the neighbourhood she-cats had been right out since the day he’d first met Knowi. But Hermione’s home was unfortunately vermin-free, and there was only so much napping and bathing a tom could do before he got bored with himself.

However, if he knew his Knowi (and he did, of course), he could rest assured she was similarly occupied. And her thoughts were probably telling her that it took a molly to do a male’s job. Worse, he mused, she likely wasn’t wrong.

What rubbish!

If he was going to convince her writing “real people fiction” about their humans was a bad idea, he knew he’d need to have an alternative to offer. Knowi could be almost doggish in her determination to manage the lives of everyone else.

No wonder he named her after Hermione!

~*.*~

Two days later Knowi Tall followed Severus Snape around his rooms at the Ministry, doing her level best to look miserable.

In a not quite dodgy, but definitely not smart, neighbourhood, Crookshanks was doing much the same.

~*.*~

“If you’re awaiting a gold-embossed invitation, you’ll be waiting forever.” It was barely possible to read his expression in the green flames, but Hermione suspected she saw a glint of amusement in his eyes. “Accept that I’m right, and do as I say!”

She frowned. “I don’t know, Severus…”

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, Granger, just bring him along!” Snape snapped. “Your beast is obviously malingering, just as Miss Tall is doing. And neither of us is likely to get any relief until we at least pretend to accommodate them.”

“Well, if you’re sure…”

Ignoring her blatant plea for reassurance, Snape pulled his head from the flames, ending the Floo call.

~*.*~

Crooks’s ears turned towards the back of his head and his tail twitched in irritation as his gaze raced across the screen. There was no way he could allow Hermione to see such stellar lines as

His lips crashed onto hers, and when she gasped in surprise, his tongue began a dance that would eventually lead to a throbbing member and to salty-sweet juices dripping from a hot, moist place.

Knowi sat next to him on her wizard’s twisty chair, hope and happiness clearly visible on her furry face.

Crooks read on. He suspected that by the end of the story, both Hermione and Snape would need a discreet doctor or Healer to treat them quickly and efficiently.

Again and again, Severus plunged his turgid, weeping—

Crooks leant forward, hoping he’d misread the passage.

—into Hermione’s slick, warm depths. She cried out again, and he bit harder into her swan-like neck.

Her wails were like a banshee’s; his guttural grunts sounded like those of a Mountain Troll on the hunt for wizard flesh. Her cries rose to a shrieking crescendo, igniting the fires of his passion as he thrust in and out like a butter churn’s staff.

He hadn’t. Bugger me, he thought.

Fearing the worst, Crooks sped towards the horrific end.

At last, he released her neck – covering the bite marks with sweet, sensual kisses – and withdrew completely. Hermione screamed as the spines on his still pulsating penis scraped against her vaginal walls, flooding her with satisfaction and preparing her body for ovulation.

“Well?” If it were possible she seemed even more eager for his opinion. Crooks tried not to meet Knowi’s eyes.

She won’t like to hear it, but.. . Sekhmet’s spear, kitten! You do not want Hermione reading this muck.

“Knowi, love, humans don’t have—”

“Oh, I know! But it’s fanfic, so I felt free hand-waving his deficiencies.” The hopeful expression had been replaced by one screaming of smug delight.

Knowing he was fighting a losing battle, Crooks hissed at his little molly cat.

Of course, that caught the humans’ attention.

Bugger me with a dog’s bone!

“Crookshanks!” Hermione admonished, snatching him from his perch on the wizard’s spinny chair. She spun halfway round and pressed her nose as close to his. “Why are you hissing at poor Knowi?”

If he’d been a man, Crooks would have sighed. As he was more Kneazle than even his witch realised, he didn’t bother. Stretching his front paws to reach her shoulders, he tried to engage the entirety of Hermione’s focus.

Unfortunately, a slow-blink followed by a deep, meaningful stare couldn’t trump the blasted wizard barking out a laugh as he read over Knowi’s bushy brown head.

“Mercy!” Snape choked out, making no attempt to hide his laughter. Crooks had never before heard the man sound so genuinely amused.

Too bad Hermione won’t find it funny.

“What?” asked the witch in question, and she sidled over to the thinking-machine, clutching Crooks to her chest.

Ubesti, save us all. Crookshanks squirmed around in his witch’s arms till he had a decent view of the proceedings.

Snape gestured towards the thinking-machine’s screen. Hermione peered at the screen, her nose screwed up till it looked nearly as flat on her face as Crooks’s own.

“I don’t understand,” she murmured.

Snape leant over Knowi to fiddle with the in-aptly named mouse connected to the thinking-machine.

Too late, Crooks realised what he was about and leapt from Hermione’s arms.

But she was already reading the words Snape had translated with a click.