Box o’Sausage, Oh My!
Chapter 2 of 2
TeaOliNeville tries to take a stand.
ReviewedThe Tube o’MushyPeas spurted. Blushing, Hannah dropped it in favour of the box of unidentifiable meat Gran proffered.
“It’s very nice, I’m sure,” she said, almost immediately putting it down again. “And all of your Sack o’Soup line sound lovely. Particularly the London Particular…”
Her smile was a bit strained, but lovely nonetheless, Neville thought.
Better than that prat deserves!
“… but I don’t know that my guests will want their sausages from a box,” Hannah was saying.
“Oh, but Hannah! You don’t mind me calling you ‘Hannah’, do you? A beautiful name for a beautiful woman. You do know it means ‘gift of God’s favour’?” oozed the slimy git. “Dear Hannah, just wait until you taste my sausage. You haven’t lived till you’ve had sausage in a box.”
Neville was on his feet, wand out, before Ollivander had finished speaking.
Nearly as quickly, Gran was also standing, her hand pushing his wand arm out of sight.
“Need the loo, do you?” she bellowed. Even if the Leaky had been full to bursting, no one would have had trouble hearing her. “Always leaving it to the last minute! Off you go, then. I’ve a mind to use the facilities, myself.”
Offering Hannah and Ollivander a smile that more closely resembled a grimace (and shooting Neville a dark look), she led the way to the ladies and gents.
~8~
He’d known it was coming, but for once, he was too angry to be frightened of a dressing down from his grandmother.
“I’ll have no more of these fits, boy! Do you hear me?” She glared down her long nose at him. “Do you like seeing your betrothed run off her feet all the time? Perhaps you do, but I won’t stand for her being too tired to give me great-grandchildren!”
It was usually useless trying to explain anything once she was in a mood. Neville tried anyway. “But, Gran…” he began. “You see, sausage… and ‘box’ means… Oh, bugger it all!”
Frustrated beyond words, he started to turn away, but Augusta Longbottom was having none of it. She reached out a claw-like hand and grasped his wrist.
“Goodness gracious, boy!” she growled. “Grow a pair. I know what a ‘box’ is – I have one, haven’t I?”
Neville turned a little green at that. Who wants to think of their gran having bits?
“Don’t see how you mean to wed and bed the girl if thinking of that twists your gizzards!” Gran shook her head in disappointment and disgust. “But that’s neither here nor there. Your fear of lady parts has nothing to do with pub food. And that lovely boy, Gala— That lovely Gourmand – his parents must have been so clever to name him that – wouldn’t dare stoop so low as to be that crass with a client. It’s bad for business!!”
But Neville had stopped listening. Galahad Octavius Ulysses Randolph Magnus Abram Nathaniel Damien Ollivander was leaning over the bar, his bristly cheek inches away from Hannah’s smooth one.
A/N: I hadn’t planned on writing Chapter Two myself, but then Sunny33 put naughty thoughts in my head.
Thanks to linlawless for the beta and the chapter title. Everyone/Anyone else – especially those of you SNDers who laughed at my plot bunny and helped me shape the original – have at it.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Ollivander's Os
15 Reviews | 5.87/10 Average
Gran might be a little naive as to Gourmand's intentions. At least it appears he s trying a little too hard to charm Hannah
Funny start. Can't wait to see what's next and love Gran getting into other people's business
Good for Neville for jumping in to defend his lady against the smarmy sausage wielder. Even if it did mean a lecture from his gran.
Yeah, I bet she would like to know about his box 'o sausages. ;) And hey, at least with his products, there is no doubt what you are getting.
*snip*Goodness gracious, boy!” she growled. “Grow a pair. I know what a ‘box’ is – I have one, haven’t I?”Neville turned a little green at that. Who wants to think of their gran having bits?“Don’t see how you mean to wed and bed the girl if thinking of that twists your gizzards!” Gran shook her head in disappointment and disgust. “But that’s neither here nor there. Your fear of lady parts has nothing to do with pub food. And that lovely boy, Gala— That lovely Gourmand – his parents must have been so clever to name him that – wouldn’t dare stoop so low as to be that crass with a client. It’s bad for business!!”*snip*Oh HO! That was clever, and funny! *grins* What a refreshing and original story!
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Thanks! That particular passage was really fun to write.
Response from Fishy (Reviewer)
You write Augusta in a really fun and crass sort of way - which kind of fleshes out my idea of how she and Minerva would get along, as well as get into tiffs - since they apparently went to school together. Anyhoo - was quite funny, your yarn - glad I stumbled upon it! 
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Thanks! That particular passage was really fun to write.
Response from Fishy (Reviewer)
You write Augusta in a really fun and crass sort of way - which kind of fleshes out my idea of how she and Minerva would get along, as well as get into tiffs - since they apparently went to school together. Anyhoo - was quite funny, your yarn - glad I stumbled upon it!
Eurgggh...Nevilles gran talking about her lady parts! will look forward to more episodes of sausages in boxes! lol
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Exactly! No man should have to endure that. I'd rather face Nagini and You-Know-Who all over again, to tell the absolute truth. But as to the sausages.... really? Surely you aren't taken in by every bloke with a pretty face and a a big hunk of meat?
Response from wiccakitty (Reviewer)
depends on what kind of sausages they are...chipolatas are a no no!
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Exactly! No man should have to endure that. I'd rather face Nagini and You-Know-Who all over again, to tell the absolute truth. But as to the sausages.... really? Surely you aren't taken in by every bloke with a pretty face and a a big hunk of meat?
Response from wiccakitty (Reviewer)
depends on what kind of sausages they are...chipolatas are a no no!
Oh, go on then, blame me. You started it! :PHey, Gourmie-babe! Is that sausage of yours the thick, spicy sort, or the skinny, lacklustre type? ;)
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Dearest Sunny, you need only sample my sausage and judge for yourself. Say the word, darling. I'm more than happy to share. 
Response from sunny33 (Reviewer)
What I'd like to know is what is is like sliced thinly, grilled, and served with tomato relish?
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
You are the evilest of women, Sunny. I like that. And perhaps the experience would be worth it, if you were the one wielding the... scalpel. Of course, I'll also expect that you'll provide an appropriate restorative potion...
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Dearest Sunny, you need only sample my sausage and judge for yourself. Say the word, darling. I'm more than happy to share.
Response from sunny33 (Reviewer)
What I'd like to know is what is is like sliced thinly, grilled, and served with tomato relish?
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
You are the evilest of women, Sunny. I like that. And perhaps the experience would be worth it, if you were the one wielding the... scalpel. Of course, I'll also expect that you'll provide an appropriate restorative potion...
No matter how many times I read this, I giggle as I imagine Neville's face turning green ... :D
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Yeah, well – well, you get a sudden vision of your gran's bits, and see if you still feel like a giggle! Of course I went green!
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Yeah, well – well, you get a sudden vision of your gran's bits, and see if you still feel like a giggle! Of course I went green!
ROFL! If that's our (normally) quiet and shy Neville's reaction to the "slimy git" in question, I can only imagine how the far more... volatile Weasley men might react to the young Mr. Ollivander's overtures. 
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
I imagine war, chopping the head of a magical mutant snake, and falling in love all might change man. Our Neville's stil shy and quiet (and a bit too much under Gran's thumb), but now he knows he's brave.... 
I'm not "under Gran's thumb"! Just because a bloke respects his elders, doesn'—
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
I imagine war, chopping the head of a magical mutant snake, and falling in love all might change man. Our Neville's stil shy and quiet (and a bit too much under Gran's thumb), but now he knows he's brave.... I'm not "under Gran's thumb"! Just because a bloke respects his elders, doesn'—
LOL! Perhaps "Gourmand" should hold a tasting event so potential customers can sample his wares?
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Darling, once you taste my... wares, I assure you, you'll never want for anything but... more of my wares.
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Darling, once you taste my... wares, I assure you, you'll never want for anything but... more of my wares.
Box o'Sausage? Doesn't bear thinking about! :D
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Oh, but Sunny. You don't mind me calling you "Sunny" do you? Sunny, dear, just wait until you taste my sausage. Darling, you haven't lived till you've had sausage in a box.
Response from sunny33 (Reviewer)
Can't hardly wait. : P
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
You only have to write it for me, darling.
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Tea says: I have to apologise, for Galahad. He's a bit hard for me to handle. Please, since this story is a round robin, I invite you to try to tame him after Chapter Two has been posted.
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Oh, but Sunny. You don't mind me calling you "Sunny" do you? Sunny, dear, just wait until you taste my sausage. Darling, you haven't lived till you've had sausage in a box.
Response from sunny33 (Reviewer)
Can't hardly wait. : P
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
You only have to write it for me, darling.
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Tea says: I have to apologise, for Galahad. He's a bit hard for me to handle. Please, since this story is a round robin, I invite you to try to tame him after Chapter Two has been posted.
Poor, jealous Neville! And I have the fit of the giggles over the name of young G.O.U.R.M.A.N.D. Ollivander as well as the Box o'Sausage! Good one, Tea! :D
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Shhh. Care now. Looks as though those two lads have been answering my rev—You are a lady with lovely feet, so I shall forgive you this time. But please remember that Galahad Octavius Ulysses Randolph Magnus Abram Nathaniel Damien is respected Ollivander name, and I am proud to be the sixth in my line to bea—Shut up, you prat. No one cares about your poncey names or where you put your disgusting sausages. And stay away from my—Oh dear. See what you stirred up, Lyn?
Response from lyn_f (Reviewer)
LOLOLOL! Now how many anti-clockwise turns will it take for more trouble to be stirred up? ;)
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Shhh. Care now. Looks as though those two lads have been answering my rev—You are a lady with lovely feet, so I shall forgive you this time. But please remember that Galahad Octavius Ulysses Randolph Magnus Abram Nathaniel Damien is respected Ollivander name, and I am proud to be the sixth in my line to bea—Shut up, you prat. No one cares about your poncey names or where you put your disgusting sausages. And stay away from my—Oh dear. See what you stirred up, Lyn?
Response from lyn_f (Reviewer)
LOLOLOL! Now how many anti-clockwise turns will it take for more trouble to be stirred up? ;)
Hehehe, poor Neville -- a wee bit jealous, are we? I love this premise ... :)
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Jealous, smealous! Can't you see what a prat that "Gourmand" is? Gran and Hannah might have been taken in, but I haven't.If only I still had my sword...
Response from TeaOli (Author of Ollivander's Os)
Jealous, smealous! Can't you see what a prat that "Gourmand" is? Gran and Hannah might have been taken in, but I haven't.If only I still had my sword...