Conversation Can be Dangerous

Conversation Can Be Dangerous

Severus carried a tray with tea and toast into the bedroom and set it on the nightstand. He kissed Zelda until she opened her eyes, and he pulled her forward, propped a pillow behind her, and handed her a mug of hot tea. Her cats bounded onto the bed, and he pushed them firmly aside before cautiously climbing into bed next to her, stuffing a piece of buttered toast into his mouth and reaching for his mug.

"From being a man who wanted to die of shame at being naked yesterday, you seem to have gone native today," Zelda observed, her blue eyes sparkling as she sipped her tea.

"I was unable to carry the tray, open the door and hold that stupid blanket around me. Besides, I believe you know what I look like better than I do," he said ironically and gulped down some tea, continuing accusingly, "Did you know that there is no food in the kitchen?"

She burst out laughing. "In one day you've gone from virtual corpse to a man of action, Severus. And since I didn't plan to be here for a while, I am aware that there's no food."

"Were you planning to starve your cats?" he asked curiously.

"A friend was taking care of them, but I left a note on the door yesterday, saying I was home but that I had 'a guest.' Of course she'll think I'm, er... oh, curse it. She'll be right, won't she?" And she blushed, bringing a pleased smirk to his face that made her blush more deeply.

Severus, reassured that no one would walk in on them, said, "Zelda," and paused uncertainly. What if she only wanted him to go? He inhaled deeply and said, "I want to spend today with you, Zelda. Somehow, I have to figure out how to go back. I do not know what will happen... Actually I have some idea, but I want one day with you so I can remember what it is like to be here with you." His face grew expressionless, but he didn't look away as he waited for her response.

"Severus, please stay as long as you like. But may I negotiate for two days, rather than one? No one will find you here, and I want to see you heal a bit longer. Whatever you decide, I'll help you if I can," said Zelda, smiling gently. "And do you know, Severus, I think you're amazing. Thank you for the tea, by the way."

He shook his head at that and placed her empty mug beside his on the tray. Zelda kissed him gently, and said, "I'm afraid the answer won't be easy, but will you tell me who you are, Severus? How did you get here? If you can tell me, that is. If you can't, that's okay, too. I've wondered if you're a spy or something."

He was startled at her words but looked into her eyes and said, "My name is Severus Snape, Zelda. I am a teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and I am indeed a spy, Zelda. In fact, I am such an excellent spy that I nearly died yesterday."

He told her. He tried to be impersonal, but at times he wept. The Dark Lord, Hogwarts, the Marauders, his wretched career as a Death Eater and his escape, being welcomed by Dumbledore to return to Hogwarts, teaching Potions, the Dark Lord's return and his return as a spy, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Draco Malfoy's plot, Sectumsempra, the Unbreakable Vow and finally his promise to Dumbledore, and his horrible act in atop the Astronomy Tower. It tumbled out of him, terribly painful in the telling. Finally, he told her how Bellatrix had found him when he was past endurance, tortured him and left him where she found him.

He finished his tale and reached for his tea. Then he buried his face in her breasts, his head throbbing, and wondered if she could bear his presence, knowing what he was. Her fingers smoothed his disheveled black hair, and she was silent for a long time.

"Poor Severus," she said sadly, with complete acceptance in her voice. "It's been horrible for you, and it will be horrible again, won't it? I'm sorry."

She kissed him, paused as if deep in thought, and said, "I do have another question, as if the last one wasn't shattering enough."

Something odd in her voice made him look cautiously at her. "Yes?"

Zelda said carefully, "You believe you're ugly, don't you?"

"I am not the only one," he snarled, shocked and deeply hurt that she would point out the obvious, and furiously self-conscious about caring whether she, or anyone else, thought him ugly.

She was laughing, and said, "Relax. I was afraid of this. You must own a mirror, so I hoped you knew, but it seems you don't. For your information, you're hot, Severus. Without doubt you're amazingly sexy, and if no one bothered to mention it to you before, well... now you know.

He gaped at her, speechless.

"Possibly, you like to pretend you're hideous," she continued briskly. "It's a marvelous way to keep people away, but you can't deceive me. You see, I've given it considerable thought in the past twenty-four hours and explored the subject in depth."

He flushed deeply with embarrassment as he considered her outrageous statement. He, Severus Snape, sexy? He covered his face with his hands and laughed helplessly, unable to look at her, but finally he had to glance between his fingers at her. He had to admit, she knew how to distract him from grim reality. He laughed some more, while she watched him with a quizzical expression on her face, and he hugged her close, enchanted by her absurdity.

"I love you, Zelda," he said impulsively. She froze in his arms, and he felt her shrink in fear, then struggle to pull free. When he considered his unprecedented words, he was shocked to know that he meant them, and he was astounded that loving could be so easy.

"Zelda... Zelda," he groaned, holding her tighter until she ceased to struggle. There were tears on her cheeks; he kissed them away and said, "If I can love you, and I am able to say it, please, believe it is true."

He pondered the situation, unable to understand how she could be afraid of this, if he wasn't, and he asked her hesitantly, "Can it be that you love me, Zelda?"

She answered, as if it were a perfectly normal thing, "Sev, obviously I love you. How could I not love you?"

"Well, that is a bloody stupid question," he snapped nastily at her. Every girl and every woman he had encountered at school and afterward could have told her, he thought. "You could join the multitude, darling."

Of course, he thought, none of the multitude was mad enough to tell him he was sexy. In fact, he suddenly realized, none of that old rubbish mattered right now. "What could you possibly love about me, woman?" Severus asked, his voice vibrating with emotion.

Her fear seemed to lessen as she gathered her thoughts and said meditatively, "Well, this is only my take on you after twenty-four hours, Sev, but smart is damned sexy, you know, at least to me. You're honest, brilliant, and although you work hard to hide it, I believe I detect a loving and generous heart."

He was stunned, and he realized that she was just warming up.

"Let me see, I'm guessing you're also high-handed, arrogant, bad-tempered, stubborn, cranky, abrasive, emotionally damaged, witty, brave, and I suspect that your gift for sarcasm surpasses my own, and that possibility delights me. You make a wicked fine cuppa tea. And while hypersensitivity is essential for a spy, it can make other relationships difficult, so you're probably a complete pain in the ass." He thought she had finished, when she added mischievously, "Did I mention sexy?"

Severus was speechless, seeing truth in her glowing eyes. He realized that he trusted this woman he had known for one day, with her piercing honesty and devastating kindness, almost as much as he'd trusted Dumbledore. Furthermore, he thought, Dumbledore would wholeheartedly have approved of Zelda and applauded this outrageous situation. "How can you doubt that I love you, Zelda?" he asked hoarsely, watching her intently.

She sat up and pulled away from him, her blue eyes wide. "That's a different question. I don't doubt you," said Zelda wildly. "I doubt me! I was married for thirteen years, and many of those years were utterly miserable, and it was largely my fault. I was scared to leave, and it was a horrible mistake, anyway, because I never loved him like I love you after one day. Severus, I know myself. I'm mad and selfish and bad-tempered, and the only good time in my life has been when I was alone. If you really knew me, you'd realize how impossible I am."

"Whose self image is distorted now?" he asked coldly, irritated by her sudden and unrelenting idiocy. "As something of a specialist in self-pity, I think you should get over it. Whining does not become you, my girl."

"How old are you, Severus?" she asked furiously.

"Ah, good. So you can be a fool, can't you? I am thirty-seven," he said smoothly. "And a half, if that makes you feel any better. And I am fully aware that you are older than I, and I hope you are not idiot enough to think that it concerns me."

"I'm forty-two, Severus," she snarled at him, "and it concerns me. If you weren't such a mess, you'd realize that you can find a beautiful woman who's perfect for you and not settle for a haggard old crone like me."

"I am, as you say, a mess," he hissed dangerously, "and if you were not such a little idiot, you would realize that you are bloody perfect for me, Zelda!"

He reached out to grab her shoulders and shake her until she came to her senses, but in his mind he saw his father shaking his sobbing mother, whilst his terrified child self cried helplessly, and he stopped, horrified. His hands clenched in his lap, and his face grew expressionless and cold.

Silence grew between them, each sat huddled in cold isolation. Severus waited hopefully for her to relent but realized that she could not help him this time; she was haunted by sadness and fears she had not overcome, as was he. He had no practice at extricating himself from his own anger, but he relaxed his hands and looked tentatively at her. "I am sorry," he said, "Zelda, come here.

She shook her head, and said, "I can't, Severus."

"Two days, my sweet girl, are all we have," he said, grimly. "It is not possible to sort out the accumulated baggage of decades in that time, and there are other things I prefer to do while I am here with you."

"You're right..." sighed Zelda wearily. "Which means that I'm wrong, and I loathe being wrong, although I'm familiar with the condition," she said as she moved closer to him. Nose to nose she asked, "What just happened here?"

"After your outrageous display of insecurity, I nearly became my father when I lost my temper. I was so angry at what you said about yourself, I wanted to shake you." His expression became haunted. "The way I saw him shake my mother when I was a child." Severus continued defiantly, "I am not my father."

"Why do you imagine that you are?" She responded curiously. If I'm not my mother, then you don't have to be your father."

"I look exactly like him, my mother said. I wonder she could bear to look at me after the way he treated her." Severus snarled in self-loathing. "He was a Muggle, cold, angry, the meanest man I ever knew, and when I found myself thinking of hurting you..."

"A Muggle? You mean like me?" She asked. "Ah... I detect more baggage. Shall we open it and rummage around?"

"He was nothing like you, Zelda," he said firmly, "and I meant what I said about the baggage. But if that monster is in me, and if I could hurt you... I cannot bear it."

"If you don't want to lose your temper with me, you'd better run fast and far because I'm the most provoking woman on the planet." She smiled faintly, and he was relieved to see that her eyes were bright again as she puzzled their way out of this dilemma. "But... upon reflection, I don't think you need to worry about hurting me."

"Why not?"

"Because you didn't do it, did you? Instead you stopped yourself immediately. It didn't take you any time at all, and you chose not to become your father. It's all about the choices we make in our lives, isn't it? I think you didn't expect to have to make that choice, at that moment, and it took you by surprise."

Stunned, he told her, "Dumbledore said it is our choices that show what we truly are. He said it when I left the Death Eaters and offered to help him fight against the Dark Lord."

"That was an excellent choice on your part," said Zelda seriously.

"Thank you. Among my disastrous mistakes, I have made a few good choices," he responded gravely. "I made another excellent one, just this morning. Two in fact," he said. "I choose to love you, Zelda, although I have no experience at loving and almost no time to learn. Also, since you erroneously believe I am too stupid or inexperienced to know my own mind, I choose to disregard your belief because I think you will come to see things my way."

"High-handed and arrogant, Severus." Her eyes met his, and she laughed at his complacent expression, delighted at the clever way he had diffused the tension between them. The dangerous subjects seemed to have retreated for the present.

"Conversation can be very dangerous, can't it?" he said, and amazed himself by confidently caressing her until she smiled devilishly and began to kiss him in places he had never imagined anyone would kiss him. It all ended precisely as he had hoped, with the two of them closer in body and soul than he ever imagined he could be with a woman and completely at peace for a time.