Chapter 7

AN: Many thanks to my super, wonderful betas, Clairvoyant and SoftObsidian. Also, many thanks to pythia_delphi for the awesome prompts.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I make no money here.

Severus looked down at Hermione sitting on her sofa as she stared at the vial he'd pulled out of the pocket in his cloak. He held it out to her, practically shoving it in front of her face. "Take this," he said gruffly.

"What is that? Get it out of my face," she said, trying to bat his hand away from her. "I want an answer to my question, Snape."

"This is a sobering potion. Before we have this discussion, I want to know that you are completely sober and coherent," he answered. He'd swallowed the contents of a similar vial himself seconds earlier. "Now take it."

"Oh, very well then. Give it here," she said, snatching the vial from his hand. Popping the cork and looking him directly in the eyes, she drank it all down in one gulp with a little shudder of distaste. "There. Are you satisfied?"

Severus studied her eyes for a moment; he saw that they looked clear, and he was convinced that she was sober now. "Quite," he replied curtly. "Now tell me what you meant when you said that you made decisions that day that changed your life. What day exactly are you talking about?"

"What!" she screeched in outrage, jumping to her feet in front of him. "How dare you! How can you pretend that you don't know what I'm referring to? It was the day when I came to St. Mungo's and found out that you'd regained consciousness after nearly ten months of worrying that it might never happen. Ten months of visiting you, of hoping and praying and pleading to Merlin, or the stars, or any bloody deity that would listen, to bring you back. And when it finally happened, when all my hopes and prayers were answered, that was the day you destroyed me."

She paced the whole time she was ranting at him, but now she stopped before him and poked him directly in the sternum for emphasis as she concluded, "That's what day, you bastard. How dare you ask me that, as if it simply slipped your mind."

Snape dropped onto the couch like a sack of lead. He propped his elbows on his knees and, reaching up, pinched the bridge of his nose. He squinted his eyes shut for a second before looking up at her grimly. "Sweet mother of God, Granger. Please... please tell me you have not lived the last decade of your life based on the delirious ramblings of a twisted fuck like me. I don't remember it! Shit, they tell me that I thought Minerva and Poppy were Voldemort and Bellatrix. I don't remember the first couple of weeks at all, or you being there, or anything I may have said to you. So, I have no idea who I thought you were."

"You thought I was a nobody, a filthy little slut," said Hermione sadly, her voice barely above a whisper as she repeated the hateful words. "That's what you called me. According to you, I was someone no self-respecting wizard could ever really want. Someone whom they might gladly use, as you assured me Harry and Ron certainly had. Someone to solve their problems, to do their research, to warm their bed. You said I was just a cunt to fuck; that's all a dirty Mudblood whore like me was good for. And I'm giving you the mild version."

"Dear Merlin, Granger, I have no idea why on earth I would say any of those things to you. Someone must have given me the Prophet before you came in that day. I most likely stumbled across one of Skeeter's asinine articles about you. But, Granger... Hermione, I swear to you, I was not in my right mind. I couldn't have been. I had some kind of reaction to the combination of potions they were giving me. It caused me to suffer from delusions and memory loss."

Hermione appeared defeated as she sank next to him on the sofa. "Delusions? Memory loss?" she asked dumbly.

"Gra... Hermione, none of those things were true. Why, by all that's holy, would you take anything I said to heart?" Severus asked. "I was nobody but your greasy git of a teacher. My opinion should not have mattered that much to you, certainly not enough to make rash decisions that would affect the rest of your life."

"Why... why? Because thanks to Rita Skeeter and her filthy innuendos, that is what the general public really thought of me. From the time I was barely sixteen years old, most of the wizarding world believed I was some kind of sleazy, manipulative slut willing to pursue any famous wizard I came near, from Viktor Krum to Harry Potter to Ron Weasley. According to all of her accounts, the only role I played at all in bringing down Voldemort was little more than a camp follower tagging along with Harry and Ron to warm their beds on the Horcrux hunt."

Looking up at him with pain-filled eyes, she continued, "But you knew me, Snape, you knew who I was. You knew me from the time I was an eleven-year-old girl desperately trying to fit into a world that didn't want me. I looked up to you, and I respected you. I trusted you when no one else did, and when everyone told me I shouldn't, I still did.

"And then afterward, when Harry revealed the truth about you, about your true role in the war... I had a foolish schoolgirl crush on you. You were a hero to me. I came and sat by your bedside nearly every evening for months. I talked to you, I read to you, and I cared for you. I made up stupid, silly little-girl happy endings for you. And even though I knew it was an impossibility, I still fancied you; I dreamed of a future with you. Call it what you will, a crush, hero worship, fantasy... whatever... to me it felt real. Logically, I knew it would never happen, but I hoped and I dreamed, and then when you finally came out of your coma, the very first thing you managed to do was crush me. Again. Just like you always did before, back at school. Every. Single. Time. Only this was a thousand times worse.

"So, I figured if even you, of all people, could believe all those filthy, ugly rumors, could believe the very worst of me... well, then what chance did I have to make anything of myself here. It's not that I care what people think; as you said, I knew the truth, but it just made living a normal life so bloody hard. That's why I left. I went to my supervisor at the Department of Mysteries the very next day and asked them to send me abroad with the International Dark Artifacts Division."

Hermione finished her story and stared at her hands in her lap, her fingers clasped so tightly together her knuckles were white. Severus sat next to her, dumbfounded, unsure what to do. Finally he reached over and gently untangled her hands and twined his fingers in hers, holding her right hand in his. "Hermione, I am sorry that those things I said hurt you so much..."

"Do you want to know something funny? Totally ironic?" she continued on, as if she hadn't even heard his words. "Back then, when Skeeter was smearing me across the headlines of the Daily Prophet, when you were calling me a worthless whore and a filthy little slut, I'd never even slept with anyone, not Harry, or Ron, or anyone else. I'd never been with any boy beyond a few innocent kisses." She paused to look down and seemed surprised to see his hand holding hers, and she pulled her hand out of his grip and back into her lap. Then she added, "I'm not that innocent, naive little girl anymore, and I'll never be her again."

"Hermione," said Severus softly. Severus tried to get her to look at him, but she wouldn't. So, he slid off the couch and knelt before her, crouching down to get at eye level with her. "Hermione..."

She continued on, as if she still hadn't heard him. "And now you tell me that all the decisions I stupidly made in haste were based on what? Not lies, exactly, but misinformation, based on something you don't even remember."

"Hermione, look at me," he said, tipping her head up so she had to look at him. "I'm truly sorry for all you went through because of those things I said. I swear if I'd been in my right mind, I never would have said anything of the like to you. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?" He stared at her, hoping against hope that she would.

She twisted away from his gaze and stared blankly across the room. After a minute, she sighed and said, "Well, I suppose it would be both foolish and unfair of me to hold it all against you now. By your own admission, you were delusional and have no memory of the act, so it was through no fault of your own, obviously. You wouldn't lie about it; I could check it out easily enough. All this time, I have blamed you for my decision to leave, but in reality, it was of my own accord. The choice was mine, although I must now admit, it was a rather impulsive and stupid one."

"Then you will forgive me for all those ugly things I said?" he asked, moving around so that she was forced to look at him again, though she clearly would have rather avoided him.

"I suppose it would be rather petty of me not to. So, yes... Yes, I... I forgive you," she said.

Severus stared at her, pleased to have her forgiveness, but puzzled by her demeanor. She seemed unnaturally calm, not in a peaceful way, but as if she had checked out and wasn't really there. Her forgiveness should be a good thing, and yet he felt empty rather than encouraged. "Hermione, perhaps this was the hand of fate. Ten years ago, you said you cared for me, 'fancied' me, but in all honesty, I probably would not have been amenable to any kind of relationship with you at that time. Now you have had a chance to grow up, to mature, to come into your own. You have returned here a strong, independent woman and at a time when I have finally come to understand what it is I truly want. Now we are both at a point in our lives where we can pursue a relationship."

Her head snapped up at his words, and she shook her head. "Oh, no, I'm sorry, but that can never happen."

"What do you mean?" Severus felt a dread spreading throughout him, a tightness in his chest. "Perhaps deep down you really cannot forgive me."

"Don't be ridiculous, of course I have. I said I did, and I meant it. But don't you see, that doesn't change the basic truth, does it? When I told you I was not that same girl from ten years ago, I meant it. I do understand now that you weren't responsible for the things you said to me that day, but they still did damage. I was hurt, devastated. When I left St. Mungo's that day, something inside of me was broken, and it still is. I don't think it can ever be fixed. I can never be that girl again.

"You see, after that day, I realized how foolish I'd been. To give someone that much power over you, to be able to hurt you that much...it's a very stupid thing to do. I swore that no one would ever have that kind of power over me again."

As Severus considered her words, the aching in his chest had grown until it threatened to consume him. "Are you saying in all the years you've been gone you have never had a relationship with anyone? You've lived all these years alone?"

"Not exactly. I had relationships. Although, I'd have to say they've been strictly short term, a period of weeks, a few months at the most. You see, I've come to realize no matter how much I might fantasize about it, there can never be any happily-ever-after for me. Because I just can't allow myself to give someone that much power...I can't trust anyone that much."

"Well, that's a rather sad, depressing way to live your life, don't you think, Hermione?" he asked bluntly.

She looked up at him with a sad, twisted little smile of acknowledgment. "Yes, I do, Severus, but it's all I know now. It's who I am."

After a moment, she reached out to run a finger lightly over the back of his hand. "I suppose it's possible that we could still have some fun, the two of us. I must say I found that kiss very nice, and I think we could enjoy ourselves quite nicely for a while," she said. "I have to admit, after all this time, I'm still attracted to you even after everything that happened."

For a brief moment, his heart leaped, and he considered saying yes. Given time, he was sure he could change her mind; he could make her love him. But then reality set in. He just couldn't face the idea of being with her, falling in love with her, all the while waiting...waiting for the day to come when she would reject him and send him on his way. He'd already spent a good portion of his life obsessing over a woman who didn't return his affection. He just couldn't do it all over again.

He shook his head and replied, "I'm afraid not, my dear. A few months ago, I probably would have jumped at the offer, but as of late, I have found myself wanting what I believed I could never have. I want what my friends have: a home, a wife, a child or two. I guess what I'm saying is I do want the proverbial happily-ever-after, and I thought that we might be able to find it together, the two of us. But if that's not possible, then I suppose I'll have to look elsewhere."

Hermione dropped her hand with a sigh. "It's all right, Severus, I understand."

"We'll still be seeing each other at work and through our mutual friends. But I won't be bothering you anymore. You have my word on that," he promised as he walked to the door. "Goodbye, Hermione."

~*~

As soon as he left, she felt drained. She'd held these feelings inside for years, the anger and hurt simmering all that time, and all the while, she'd told no one. She'd wanted to finally confront him, to make him understand how much he'd hurt her and ruined her life. When she'd come back home to England, she'd been furious that he'd seemed to be ignoring all the vicious things he'd said to her back then, but he hadn't been ignoring them at all: he simply didn't remember it. The scene that had shaped her decisions and changed the course of her life wasn't even a dim memory for him. It was like it had never happened. Except for her, it had.

His words of contrition echoed in her ears. A few weeks ago, she would have been quite pleased to hear them, but now she just felt empty. She'd had a chance to reclaim what she had so desired all those years ago...she could have had it handed to her on a silver platter...but instead, she'd kept her heart safe and let him walk away.

If her heart was safe, then why did it hurt so damn much, she wondered. She curled up in a fetal position on the couch and let the sobs overtake her. The last time she'd cried like that was ten years ago.

Hermione spent the weekend in a fog, alternating between crying on the couch and crying in the bed, with occasional bouts of cleaning and baking to try to take her mind off of everything. She hadn't cried in years, and now it felt like she would never stop.

She still wasn't up to her usual standards when she returned to work on Monday. She nearly got caught by a stray curse that a rookie would have recognized. Furious, Lucius stormed into her office and tore into her, ranting that she was going to get herself or someone else killed if she didn't get her head out of her arse. This resulted in Hermione bursting into tears again, leaving Lucius open mouthed and appalled.

"Stop that, stop it right now," he ordered. "You know how I hate dealing with weeping women. I've never seen you in such a state in all the years I've known you. I demand that you stop that caterwauling this instant."

"If you don't want to deal with it, then get the fuck out of my office!" she shouted at him.

"Very well then, I shall. You know where to find me when you come to your senses." He left in a huff.

Later that afternoon, she went to Lucius' office to apologize. While there, she handed him a parchment.

"What is this?" he asked, unrolling it even as he asked. Upon skimming the contents, he sat up straight in his chair and demanded, "What the hell is this, Hermione?"

"It's my resignation. I thought it only right to inform you before I send it to Kingsley. I'm thinking of returning to America. You were right this morning. It's bad enough that I could have been hurt, but I could have hurt or killed you or someone else, and that is totally unacceptable. I don't belong here," she said.

"Now that is ridiculous. I absolutely will not take this seriously," he said, tearing up the parchment and throwing it in the fireplace.

"That doesn't change anything. I have copies," Hermione responded dully.

Lucius came and crouched by her chair, tipping her face up with two fingertips beneath her chin. "Tell me what's wrong, sweetheart."

Looking into Lucius' silver-grey eyes, she realized that, in a world where she had learned to put her faith in no one, she trusted this man, her former enemy, with her life. With a little grimace, she said, "Better pull up a chair, my friend. It's a very long story, and your knees will get sore like that."

Taking her at her word, he pulled up his chair...only after he told his assistant to cancel his appointments and hold all calls and visitors...and then he warded the door. He sat before her, cradled her hand in his, and commanded, "Now, tell me everything."

And she did from beginning to end, from right after the war up to the past weekend. By the time she was done telling the tale, she was exhausted, both physically and mentally.

"Hermione, it seems to me that you are not happy with your decision about Severus; it's clear that you still have feelings for him."

"Whether I do or not, Lucius, is immaterial. I am unable to act on them because I can't change the way I am. I just can't bring myself to trust him or any man. I'm too scared. And if I can't do that, then any hope for a relationship is null," Hermione said sadly.

"Well, quitting your job and going back to the States is certainly not an answer either. You will not run away again; that is too much like what happened ten years ago and very unlike the bloody Gryffindor you are. Take some time off...Merlin knows the Ministry owes us both months of holiday pay. Take a few weeks or a month, more if necessary, and collect some of it. You deserve it. Figure out what it is you really want to do. But, Hermione, don't cut yourself off from your friends: myself, Cissy, even Draco. We all care what happens to you. The same is true of the Potters and Weasleys, I'm sure. You're not alone, you know."

Hermione threw her arms around Lucius and hugged him tight. "Thank you, Lucius. You are such a sweet man and a good friend."

"Dear Merlin, do not ever let that rumor get spread about. It would surely ruin my reputation as a dark, evil ex-Death Eater. I'd never get any respect around here again," he mumbled as he kissed the top of her head.

~*~

Hermione spent the first week just puttering around her cottage, catching up on a bit of research that she'd been putting off. She brewed a few household and personal potions, as she actually enjoyed the process and much preferred fresh brewed to store bought. She played with Jilly and took her for walks through the woods and along the river.

While Cissy's cure for the blues would have involved endless shopping, she knew that Hermione would be bored to tears, so instead, she took her to lunch or came to visit her at the cottage. Occasionally, Cissy joined her and Jilly on their walks, and it was during one of these excursions that they happened upon a monstrously big dog who seemed unusually happy to see Hermione. She was equally happy to see him, hugging him and talking to him, as if he could understand her. The strange thing was it almost seemed as if he did by the way he responded to her. Hermione explained that the huge, ugly dog belonged to Snape and had the ridiculous name of Tom Riddle the Second.

Cissy appeared shocked at first, and then she burst into giggles. "Only Severus would name his dog after the Dark Lord. It is just so typical of him," she declared as she bent to pet the creature. While Hermione fussed over Tee, Cissy straightened and looked around, and if she noticed the tall, dark figure standing in the shadows halfway up the hill, she didn't say anything to Hermione.

~*~

He had thought he would see her at work at the M.B.I. offices, but Lucius had informed him a bit curtly that Hermione was taking some personal time. He hadn't seen her in nearly three weeks, since that day at her cottage, aside from when he'd seen her from a distance walking her dog with Narcissa.

It was Andrew's christening, the day of his naming ceremony, when Severus and Hermione would assume their roles as his godparents. Observing her now from across the room, he could see that, at first glance, she looked lovely. But when he scrutinized her appearance more closely, he could see the glamour she wore to cover the dark circles beneath her eyes and assumed she was not sleeping well. And if he was not mistaken, she had lost a few pounds, so she probably wasn't eating well, either. He didn't know why these things bothered him...she had made her choice...and yet, they did.

She approached and greeted him politely, "Good afternoon, Severus. Are you ready to become Andrew's godfather?"

"It is an honor I am looking forward to," he said even while thinking his reply sounded stilted.

"So am I... to be his godmother, I mean," she replied while waving at someone across the room.

Following her gaze, he commented sarcastically, "I see you've brought your pet Quidditch coach." For some reason, he felt put out that she would bring the man to a family gathering.

"Actually, Ivan is here with Ginny today. She and Draco are on the outs this week," she explained. Then, turning back to Severus, she admitted, "Ivan and I were never really an item, you know. He was doing me a favor because I didn't want to come to the dinner party alone that night."

"But you said..."

"I know what I said. I didn't want to look... I don't know... like I couldn't even get someone to come with me that night while you showed up with the gorgeous Justine of the painfully kinky shoes..."

"Justine of the what?" he asked, staring at her.

"Oh, never mind about that. Just my imagination working over time. I just..." Suddenly, she stopped and clapped her hand over her mouth. "Oh, dear Merlin, you didn't bring her today, did you? I am so sorry. I really meant no offense. I shouldn't have said that. Please forgive my rudeness." Hermione's face flushed with embarrassment.

He chuckled. "Don't worry. I did not bring Justine today. She was someone I went out with for a while, but like your Quidditch coach, she was merely doing me a favor that night."

Hermione appeared relieved to hear it, and with a smile, she laid her hand on his arm and said, "Severus, I wonder if we might talk about..."

Before she could finish, a pretty auburn-haired witch sidled up very closely to Severus and interrupted, "I've got Rodney settled with some of the Potter and Weasley cousins. That should keep him busy and out of trouble until the naming ceremony starts... Oh, I'm so sorry; was I interrupting?"

Hermione pulled her hand off Severus' arm and took half a step back. "No, not at all."

"Hermione, may I introduce you to Imogene Cadwalader. Imogene, this is Hermione Granger." Severus said. "Imogene is a friend of Pansy's and works at St. Mungo's. She allowed me to escort her and her son, Rodney, here today."

Hermione smiled and said, "Of course, Mrs. Cadwalader, I remember you from when I volunteered with Pansy at St. Mungo's right after the war."

"Oh, please, Miss Granger, call me Imogene."

"Of course, Imogene, and you must call me Hermione." Seeing Pansy across the room, Hermione saw her escape. "Oh, I see Pansy giving me the sign it's almost time. I promised I'd help dress little Andrew for the ceremony. If you'll both excuse me, please."

~*~

Hermione told Pansy she'd meet her in the nursery as soon as she made a quick trip to the loo. Once behind closed doors, she covered her eyes with her hands and took three deep breaths before lowering her hands to stare at her reflection in the mirror. "Well, that was a damn close call, Granger. You almost made a complete fool of yourself," she said.

When she'd put her hand on his arm, she'd been on the verge of asking him to give her another chance. What an idiot she was! Thank the gods that Imogene had arrived when she had, or Hermione would have totally humiliated herself. It was crystal clear that he had wasted no time with his plan to find someone. She knew from Pansy that Imogene was a widow, and Severus had mentioned that he would like a child or two. Here was a ready-made family for him. "You should be glad for him. After everything he's gone through, he deserves some happiness in his life," she muttered to herself. But deep down, she wasn't happy for him at all, and that made her feel even worse. She was learning that she had the potential to be a real bitch sometimes.

The ceremony went off without a hitch. Andrew was a perfect little angel, not crying or fussing at all as Ron and Pansy held him and introduced him by his name to the crowd of friends and family gathered in a circle around them. They pledged their love and protection and promised to guide him and teach him and to learn from him, as well.

As she turned to Hermione and Severus, Pansy said the words to begin the ceremony. "You stand beside us for the love of this child. Will you tell the gods and all present who you are?"

To which they answered in unison, each announcing their own name, "We are Hermione Granger and Severus Snape, the chosen godparents of Andrew David Weasley."

Ron then asked, "Do you know what it is to be a child's godparents?"

They responded, Hermione speaking the first line, Severus the second, and then completing together, "It is to love, nurture, and show guidance. It is to help Andrew make choices 
should he need assistance. It is to be a second mother and father and to be there when called upon."

Taking the baby from Pansy, Hermione held him while Severus stood close, and he actually put one arm around her and the other under her arm so they were both supporting the baby together. Then they recited the words in unison, "May the gods keep this child pure and perfect and let anything that is negative stay far beyond his world. Andrew, our godson, may you always have good fortune, may you always have good health, may you always be joyful, and may you always have love in your heart." Hermione bent to kiss the babe's cheek, and Severus followed suit; then, they handed him back to his parents and stood by as they finished the ceremony.

Ron and Pansy carried Andrew around to each group of family or friends and allowed each of them to kiss the child in turn and offer their good wishes and blessings. They returned to stand by Hermione and Severus. Glasses were passed out among the crowd, wine for the adults and fruit juice for the children. Severus took the last two and handed one to Hermione: they raised them and asked the crowd to join them in the toast, "Welcome, Andrew David, to our family and to our hearts. Your parents love you, and we thank them for giving you the gift of life. We ask the gods to watch over you, Andrew David Weasley, and over your mother and father, and we wish your family love and light."

It was a lovely ceremony and a wonderful party. Hermione put on a happy face and pretended to be enjoying every minute of it, but in truth, she felt nothing but a growing sense of melancholy. She was relieved when the party started breaking up. By that time, she wanted nothing so much as to escape to her own little sanctuary. Saying her goodbyes, she Apparated away to Blossomwood.

TBC

AN: Some of the naming ceremony was based on info from this site: http://paganwiccan. about. com/od/paganbabies/ht/Baby_Naming. htm