Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The next evening, Severus waited rather more anxiously than he cared to admit for Hermione to arrive. He was quite certain she would have been analysing everything he had told her, and even more certain she would have questions. He just hoped he could answer them to her satisfaction without having to say too much.

At last, she knocked and let herself into the room. He forced himself to smile slightly as he greeted her. It certainly wouldn't do to scare her with a full grin, even had he been so inclined, would it? Very politely, he said, "Hello, Hermione. Thank you for coming back."

"Hello, s – Severus. How are you feeling?"

He was amused at the way she stumbled over his name, but decided it wouldn't be smart to tease her about it. She'd probably take it the wrong way. "Much improved, all things considered."

Naturally, she had a question. "Have they said when you'll be released?"

"I'm told they expect the treatment will be complete the day after tomorrow."

"I imagine you'll be relieved to get back to Hogwarts."

Nodding, Severus said, "I admit, now my appetite has at last returned, I'm looking forward to the house-elves' cooking. Why is it the food at magical hospitals is no better than that at muggle ones?"

She smiled, though a bit uncomfortably. "The Department of Mysteries really ought to look into that question sometime."

An awkward silence followed. Eventually, Severus realised it would be up to him to break it. Considering she was here, he decided that a straightforward approach had worked well thus far. "I assume you have a thousand questions about our discussion last night."

She flushed and sounded defensive when she replied, "Not a thousand, no. A few, though."

"You may as well ask. I'll answer as truthfully as I can."

She studied him for a long moment. "Why now?"

"Now?"

"Why are you now suddenly interested in changing the dynamic of our relationship? If you can even call it a relationship, that is?"

Severus considered his words carefully. The truth was working well so far, so he decided to continue in that vein (though there was no need to be overly expansive, was there?). "Lucius persuaded me to reconsider whether my memory of your interview was accurate. I looked at it again in my Pensieve, mainly because I wanted to prove him wrong. However, when I did, I realised your body language was completely inconsistent with someone up to no good."

"How so?"

Severus fought back the sigh that wanted to escape at her question. He'd already given her one answer, but apparently that was not going to be enough. He reminded himself, however, that she'd been this way since he'd met her at age eleven; she was hardly going to change now. "You didn't look smug or even sure of yourself. You looked ... hopeful. Excited. Like someone seeking approval or validation rather than revenge." She looked away, seemingly embarrassed. "What?"

"Nothing."

"Come now, Hermione. We can't make a fresh start without being open with one another. Haven't I been forthright in acknowledging my misconceptions?"

She studied him again, so he kept his expression as open and neutral as he could manage. "Fine, but if you ever try to use this conversation against me, I will seek revenge, and I guarantee you won't like it." For a moment, watching her expression harden, he understood how she had mostly kept Potter and Weasley in check over the years. When he nodded acknowledgement, she continued, "I was thinking how pathetic it was that I was still looking for your approval – and so obvious about it – so many years after you made it clear I would never get it."

He digested that. "And now?"

She shrugged. "I like to think I've given up. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have resigned."

Not wanting to admit that the tables had turned, he asked, "What else do you want to know?"

He studied her as the silence dragged on. Clearly there was some kind of internal conflict taking place - a battle between her desire to be polite and her insatiable curiosity. Finally, albeit quietly, she asked, "Do you still hate me?"

He was about to say he had never hated her, but stopped himself. Denial would get him nowhere. He had hated her. Or at least, he had hated who he thought she was. Now, he didn't know what to think of her, so that's what he told her. "I don't know how to answer that."

"It's not a difficult question," she replied with a huff. "Either you do or you don't."

Severus sighed. "In some ways, I don't think it was ever you I hated. If the last few days have taught me anything, it's that I've never had any idea who you are. So, I don't know."

Once again, there was silence as he waited for her to absorb what he had divulged. He wondered, briefly, if she would continue this line of questioning or move on to the next topic. Finally, she asked, "What do you expect to come of this if I agree to a fresh start?"

"I expect ... to finally lay the past to rest. Perhaps to persuade you to stay at Hogwarts, or if not, to part on mutually acceptable terms." She seemed to expect more, so he shrugged and added, "Perhaps even to form a friendship of some sort."

She considered that. "What if I say no?"

Severus wanted to say she couldn't refuse, but he realised she needed to feel she had a choice. Otherwise, things would be no different than before in any way that would matter to her. She would still feel disrespected, abused, and trapped, and the very minute her contract expired, she would leave. "Then I suppose ... I'll respect your wishes as best I can and avoid you as much as possible until the end of term. And you'll still leave with a strong reference."

"What would be in it for you in that case?" she asked, obviously still suspicious of his motives.

She wasn't as malleable as he had thought, he realised – yet another way in which he had failed to see her clearly, he supposed. "Atonement, I think. Or perhaps just peace." Again, she seemed to be waiting for more, so he forced himself to add, "I've spent my entire life atoning for one mistake or another. I'm tired of always being one down on the karmic scale."

He watched her face. Her every thought was there on the surface – he wouldn't have needed Legilimency even if he had been inclined to use it. He could see her struggling with whether she could trust him, wondering whether this was just another form of torture, a way to draw her back in by requesting peace and another chance just when she had finally managed to detach.

She seemed to realise he was waiting for her to say something. She stood suddenly. "I can't – I have to go. I need to think about this. I'm too tired to figure this out right now. I have to go."

Severus forced himself not to argue. If he pushed, she would push back, and he would lose whatever ground he might have gained. So, he waited until she reached the door before saying quietly, "Good night, Hermione."

She didn't turn around, but he took it as a hopeful sign that she said, "Good night, Severus."

For the next two days, Hermione found she was unable to focus on much of anything other than her conversation with Severus. She considered returning to visit him on his last evening in hospital, but ultimately decided not to. After all, he hadn't said she should come back, and the memory of being thrown out of his room repeatedly was still fresh, even after all these years.

Furthermore, she still wasn't sure she believed his sudden epiphany had anything to do with karma or atonement or peace. Immediately after the war, and again immediately after she had taken up the Arithmancy post, she had given him the benefit of the doubt, had put the past behind her and hoped – even expected – he would do the same. And what had it got her? Kicked in the face repeatedly with every insult he could think of, and a clear message that she wasn't worthy of anything from him save contempt.

Plus, it was one thing to apologise prettily and behave civilly when one was far removed from the usual stressors of day-to-day life. It was another thing entirely to be cordial where you lived. Hermione decided she would wait and see how he behaved toward her when he was back at Hogwarts and faced with the petty demands and annoyances of students, faculty, board members and ministry officials.

So she went about her business and avoided mentioning anything about her visits with Severus to anyone at Hogwarts. On Saturday, she took advantage of her free day to visit Harry and Luna again.

When she arrived in time for lunch, she felt herself truly relax for the first time since her last visit here. They both greeted her warmly and soon the three were laughing and talking about everything from Luna's pregnancy to Harry's job. Hermione could only marvel at how happy her friends seemed. She wondered if she would ever be as happy.

Eventually, when Luna had gone to see about getting tea together, Harry asked, "Anything new on the job search?"

"No, not really."

Harry frowned. "That's odd. I thought they'd be fighting to get you as soon as the news got out. Want me to put in a good word anywhere?"

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Hermione replied with a laugh. "Actually, I haven't really done much to get the word out since last time we spoke. There have been ... developments ... at Hogwarts," she confessed, somewhat reluctantly. She couldn't lie to Harry, but she knew answering the questions that were sure to follow wouldn't be easy either. A lot of mistrust and dislike still lay between him and Professor Snape.

"What sort of developments? Don't tell me the git is finally leaving?"

"Now, Harry, he's not a git just because he doesn't like me."

"No, but he is a git for treating you so horribly."

"Well, that's the thing. He's suddenly ... not."

"Not what?"

"Treating me horribly."

Harry stared at her. "You're kidding."

"No, really. The day after I gave notice, he suddenly found his civility in his dealings with me."

"He's pleased you're leaving, then."

"He says not. He's been calling it my 'attempted' resignation, as though it's not final or something. He asked for my opinion about that treatment they've wanted him to get for years, and then he actually went and got it. He asked to see me when he was in hospital, and he apologised for his past behaviour and asked to make a fresh start."

"Are you sure we're talking about the same person, Hermione? Tall, pale, greasy hair, bad teeth, never has a word to say about anything unless it's unpleasant?"

"I wondered the same thing myself, but no, it's definitely him. I'm not stupid, you know," she added with an admonishing look.

"I know that, Hermione," Harry admitted, sounding suitably contrite, "but you have a blind spot where he's concerned – always have. How many times have you given him the benefit of the doubt, only to have him throw it back in your face the second your guard is down?"

"I know, Harry, but he explained why he's been doing that."

"You actually think there's an acceptable excuse for the way he's treated you?"

"Not an excuse, no. But there are reasons, and I can sort of see why he thought they were valid." Harry waited silently. "He thought I was blackmailing him when I applied for my job, okay?"

"What?"

"He thought –"

"I heard you the first time, Hermione. I just can't believe anyone who knew you would think such a thing."

"That's just it. He says he didn't know me, not really." Harry looked highly sceptical, so she continued in a rush, "He says he wasn't in his right mind, and he didn't trust anyone, and he forgot that I don't think like a Slytherin, but like a Gryffindor. And I made the same mistake with him."

"And he wants you to believe he's suddenly seen the light?" Harry's scepticism seemed to have grown, rather than decreased, with her explanation.

Hermione sighed. "That's where the whole thing breaks down for me. I don't really understand why now, after so much time, he's suddenly willing to consider I might not be the lying, cheating, blackmailing schemer he always thought I was. He said something about Lucius persuading him I wasn't blackmailing him, but ..."

"Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? You're leaving at the end of term, anyway."

"Right," Hermione agreed, but her voice sounded doubtful to her own ears.

Having received a dinner invitation from Lucius and Narcissa, Severus stopped at Malfoy Manor before returning to Hogwarts. For the first time in years, he was able to fully enjoy the delicacies they offered, from the appetisers (caviar and a lovely pâté) to the soup (an utterly divine seafood bisque) to the main course (Beef Wellington) to the pudding (the best dark chocolate mousse he had ever tasted).

He found that now he could actually enjoy the meal, the small talk was far less tedious than he had always found it in the past. It was actually rather amusing to watch Lucius wind Narcissa up as he generally delighted in doing, and he didn't even mind (much) when Lucius then distracted her from her annoyance by getting her started on the topic of Severus's love life – or lack thereof.

Thus, he wasn't even annoyed when, over after-dinner drinks in the parlour, Narcissa asked, "Who do we know that might be suitable for Severus?"

"I appreciate the thought, Narcissa, but I am perfectly content alone."

"Nonsense. Now that you're healthy, there's nothing to prevent you finding someone and settling down. You need someone to look after you."

Unbidden, the thought of Hermione's efforts to care for him when he thought she was Lily flashed through his mind. He frowned. "I'm quite capable of looking after myself."

"But why should you have to?" Lucius tossed his two Knuts in. "I'm sure we can find you someone appropriate if we put our minds to it."

"Ah, but we aren't putting our minds to it. If you recall, I already have my hands full – at your insistence, I might add – with other things."

"Pffft," Lucius said inelegantly. "You could charm her with one eye closed and you know it. Although perhaps you ought to consider dating her – it would certainly raise your profile."

"Dating who?" Narcissa asked eagerly. "Who are you trying to charm, Severus? And why is this the first I'm hearing of it?"

"Now you've done it, Lucius. Do you see the gleam in her eye?" he asked before taking a sip of his drink.

"Well, I still maintain you have a crush on her," Lucius insisted. He added for Narcissa's benefit, "Severus is trying to persuade Hermione Granger to rescind the resignation she tendered last week."

"Oh." Narcissa looked disappointed.

"As Lucius knows very well, I do not have a crush on Hermione Granger – I can barely tolerate the woman. I'm not dating her, nor am I looking to date any woman. Lucius insists it's in Hogwarts's best interest to keep her there, so I'm trying to mend fences with her, as she's made very clear I'm the primary reason she wants to leave."

Narcissa looked thoughtful. "You're protesting very strongly for someone who has no interest beyond what's best for Hogwarts."

"Oh, no," Severus groaned. "Not you, too, Narcissa. Don't tell me you've become her fan as well?"

"Well, I can't say she's my favourite person, and she really ought to make more of an effort with that hair, but she's acceptable enough for a Muggleborn. At least she's clever. You have to admit, Severus, you'd be bored within an hour with someone who wasn't intelligent."

There was no winning once Narcissa was fully in matchmaking mode, Severus knew, so he decided a strategic retreat was his best option. As soon as he could manage it, he took his leave and headed home to Hogwarts.