Chapter 7

Chapter 7

By the time he left for St. Mungo's on Monday morning, Severus had been forced to acknowledge, if only to himself, that he had apparently been punishing Granger for the past three years for something she hadn't actually done. After watching both his own memory of the job interview and Lucius's borrowed memory of tea dozens of times, re-reading her letter of inquiry about the Arithmancy post, and finally pulling out his memories of some of her (less embarrassing) visits to him in hospital, he just couldn't sustain a belief that she could possibly be as subtle as he had been giving her credit (or blame) for.

No, as much as he was loath to admit, it appeared he had been so distracted by his own feelings of humiliation and embarrassment and (perhaps) paranoia that he had seen a plot where none existed. Her every expression was so open and hopeful as she spoke with him about starting afresh that even the most suspicious person on the planet (which he clearly was) had to admit it couldn't have been a sly blackmail attempt.

Furthermore, Lucius was right – she was terrible at dissembling. Certainly, the words in her letter could be construed as hinting at blackmail – and had they come from a fellow Slytherin, they almost certainly would have meant exactly that. But Severus had been too sick and too depressed and in too much pain to recall that Hermione Granger, Gryffindor extraordinaire, would never have been that subtle. And really, her ever-present (and, in his opinion, over-active) sense of fair play and integrity would never allow her to blackmail him over unintentional behaviour at a time when he was too weak to know what he was doing.

Of course, this didn't negate his embarrassment about everything she had seen and heard when she had visited him in hospital, but really, if she hadn't revealed any of that to anyone in the past eight years, he had to assume she was unlikely to do so now.

And then there was the question of her feelings toward him. Lucius had hinted that Hermione might actually have ... liked him – might even still. Once he removed the erstwhile blackmail from the equation, and looked at the way she had interacted with him over the years (particularly when he was in hospital and for the first few months she had been back at Hogwarts) – well, it boggled the mind, really, but it certainly looked as though she had liked him at least a little bit back then. However, he had since worn her down with years of verbal abuse, and now he didn't know what to think.

Fortunately, he could distract himself with his treatments for the next several days. Perhaps his mind would be clearer when he was no longer so ... frail, he thought, despising the word even as he recognised its appropriateness.

On the second day of his treatment, Lucius came to see him. They had completed the chelation therapy the evening before, so now it was a matter of thrice daily potions and a rotating series of Healers casting diagnostic and healing charms until they determined he was cured – or as cured as he was going to get. It was exhausting; Lucius took the brunt of his bad mood. "What do you want?"

"Is that any way to greet a friend come to see about your welfare?"

"Lucius, I am in no mood for your games. Why are you bothering me?"

Lucius sighed pitifully. "Here I am, worried about one of my oldest friends, and this is the thanks I get?" He shook his head. When Severus deepened his scowl, he said, "All right, fine, I'll get to the point. I think you should ask to see Hermione while you're in hospital."

"What? Why would I do that? This is the only respite I'm going to get from her company for the next three months at least – more if your stupid plan works."

Lucius frowned. "It's not a stupid plan, and may I remind you that it's all in your best interest? You should invite her to visit you because, combined with an apology for your past behaviour, it will go further than anything else I can think of to persuade her you're sincerely trying to make amends rather than attempting to manipulate her. It will contrast nicely with your demands for her to leave you be when last you were in hospital."

"You want me to apologise to her now? I was planning to wait a few weeks to accustom her to my more charming self. And how do you know I made her leave last time?"

"Educated guess. Well, that and, as you should recall after watching the memory a thousand times, she told me at tea the other day." He shook his head. "See? No subtlety. Anyway, of course you should apologise as soon as possible. Why wait? Even you must have admitted by now that you've been wrong about her intentions toward you; nothing is served by putting it off."

"I admit nothing."

"To me? No, of course not. I wouldn't expect you to. But I refuse to believe you're too stubborn to admit your mistakes to yourself. Now, do you want to rehearse what you'll say to her? I'd advise looking as weak and pitiful as possible. If she thinks the treatment is unpleasant, she'll be more sympathetic."

"It is unpleasant!" Severus didn't point out that he had no intention of ever looking weak or pitiful in front of Granger or anyone else. Not if he could possibly help it, anyway.

"All the better. I'm sure, with the Dark Lord gone so long, you're out of practice with intrigues like this. Far better that you're actually feeling awful than that you're pretending. Honesty is the best policy," he added virtuously.

"Go away, Lucius."

"Of course. You need your rest. I'll wait another day before mentioning to Hermione that you'd like to see her, shall I? You'll probably need that much time to get into the right mindset."

Two evenings later, Hermione paused to take a steadying breath outside the door to Severus's room at St. Mungo's. Much as she liked to tell herself she had stopped visiting him all those years ago for his sake, the truth was it had been as much for hers as well. Even knowing everything he had sacrificed to ensure their victory, it was hard to keep returning to see a man who seemed to take malicious glee in terrorising her. Eventually, she couldn't face one more comment like "Get out, you bushy-haired demon from hell!" or "If only they had let me die, I wouldn't be forced to listen to your inane prattle!" or "Give me my wand, dammit, so I can end my torment at last!" She had never been quite sure if he had dreamt of killing himself or her, but either way, it stung.

Now, she told herself Lucius wouldn't have set her up for more abuse. They weren't friends, exactly, but they weren't enemies either, and Lucius liked having a war heroine as an ally. He also liked having her affiliated with Hogwarts.

But one never knew what Lucius was really about. He and Professor Snape seemed to have a weird sort of friendship, where they competed and provoked and annoyed one another, but supported one another when it was really important. It was downright bizarre, she had thought on the rare occasions when she saw them together. Last time, it had been at a Hogwarts Fundraising Ball that Lucius had somehow forced his friend to attend soon after Hermione had returned to England. She had found herself watching them together on and off throughout the event, completely baffled by their behaviour. Professor Snape was prickly and provoking, but there seemed to be no heat behind it. At one point, when she had been standing at the bar behind them, she had heard him complain that Lucius could force him to attend but couldn't seriously expect him to waste time conversing with idiots. Lucius, in turn, told the professor (not for the first time, by the sound of it) that finding a willing woman and getting himself laid would certainly improve his outlook. Hermione, who had been standing at the bar behind them, had found herself flushing with embarrassment (and perhaps a tiny bit of interest) as she wondered what sort of woman he would want, and what sort of lover he would be. As she had sneaked away, not wanting them to know she had been listening, she had heard the headmaster comment a bit snidely, "It's never done anything for your disposition, Lucius. Now, you appear to have a hair out of place – you'd better fix it before your reputation is ruined permanently."

So it was possible Lucius was using her as some sort of pawn in his weird game with Professor Snape. But then again, given how strongly Snape seemed to dislike her, she suspected setting her up as a nasty surprise visitor for him while he was laid up in hospital might cross some sort of boundary, even for Lucius. Still, she found it hard to believe that a man who previously would have rather been dead or in Azkaban than suffer her company would suddenly be asking to see her. She braced herself for his hostility and knocked softly on the door.

"Enter."

"Headmaster?" she asked tentatively. Then, remembering she was leaving Hogwarts in three short months and she didn't have to stay if she didn't want to, she added more confidently, "Lucius said you asked to see me."

He looked up from the journal he was reading. "Yes, I did. Stop hovering in the doorway and come take a seat."

She forced down her anxiety and took the chair he indicated.

He watched her closely, and she felt her cheeks grow warm under his scrutiny. Finally, when she couldn't take another second of silence, she asked rather snappishly, "What? Do I have a spot or something? I know you're dying to insult me, so just go ahead and do it already."

He raised a brow. "You think I asked to see you in order to insult you?"

"Your day never seems complete until you've taken a shot or two at me. It's not as though you'd ever want to have a civil conversation with me."

"You accepted my invitation to visit, expecting that it would be unpleasant?"

"I'm here, aren't I? Now, would you like to insult me first, or would you like to skip straight to the part where you threaten to kill one of us if I don't leave immediately?"

He sighed. "Professor Granger – Hermione –" She started at his use of her given name for the first time ever. "I have no intention of insulting you or threatening anyone's life. In fact, I've had a lot of time to think in the past few days, and it occurred to me I've been extremely unfair to you since ... well, since I've known you, really, but especially since I hired you. I asked to see you because I want to apologise for my abominable past behaviour and ask if we can start afresh."

Although she was normally not a suspicious person, Hermione couldn't reconcile the man she knew with this one. "Are you really Severus Snape?" she blurted.

He frowned. "Who else would I be?"

"I don't know – there's always Polyjuice – but then, why would you be here for treatment if it wasn't you? So I suppose you must be ... well, you. Anyway, it's just a little hard for me to believe you actually mean it this time. We agreed to make a fresh start when you hired me, but your treatment of me got progressively worse until a week ago. And it wasn't good to start with."

He flushed. "It's different this time."

"How? Why should I think you won't do another about-face as soon as I agree not to hold the past against you?"

He looked away and seemed to consider her question before answering. "For one thing, I expect I won't be in as much physical discomfort as I've been in for the last eight years."

Momentarily diverted, she asked, "So the treatment seems to be helping, then?"

"Yes. In addition to thinking, I've been sleeping a lot the past few days, and my appetite is returning."

"I'm glad to hear that. But I'm not sure how that relates to our fresh start."

Looking impatient, he asked, "How is your mood when you don't feel well?"

"Not good," Hermione acknowledged. "But that doesn't explain why you singled me out to be your favourite scapegoat. Nor does it say you'll stop when you're feeling better."

He was silent again. After a bit, she decided to leave him to his thoughts. When she stood, he snapped, "Where are you going? We're in the middle of a conversation."

"Since you haven't said anything in ten minutes, I assumed we were finished."

"I was trying to decide what to say." He sounded defensive.

"Have you decided, then?"

"Not really, but I'd rather you didn't leave just yet. Why don't you read this while I work it out?" He handed her the journal he had been reading when she walked in.

"All right," she said doubtfully, and began to read as he turned to look out the window.

After only two paragraphs, she felt his eyes on her again. Exasperated, she looked up. "Would you please stop staring at me?"

He merely raised an eyebrow before turning to gaze out the window. Hermione didn't know what to make of that, so she went back to her reading.

Severus struggled not to stare at Hermione. For once, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but he didn't know how to reassure her of his sincerity (which he wasn't even entirely sure was real) without airing everything he wished had never happened.

While she continued to read, he stared out the window, thinking back to the last time he had been in hospital.

Eight years ago

At first, he hadn't been aware of anything. They had put him in a magically-induced coma using a medical version of a stasis charm to prevent him dying before they could stabilise him. He had been comatose, he later learned, for nearly two months. At some point during that time, he had become half-aware of a voice that sometimes read to him from various academic journals. It was a female voice, and his semi-conscious mind had concluded it must be Lily, conveniently forgetting Lily was dead and couldn't possibly be reading to him.

When they had finally lifted the coma, he was weak and feverish, apparently to the point of delirium. He thought Lily was visiting him – he was so sure it was her. Who else, after all, had ever cared enough for him to spend so much time at his sickbed, putting cool cloths on his brow and holding his hand to soothe him? Not even his mother had bothered with all that.

He talked to her, and she talked back. "Lily, do you forgive me at last? I never meant to hurt you – I was just so humiliated. You know I didn't mean it, right?"

"Shhh, of course I forgive you. Of course you didn't mean it. You're a good person, and you love me. You would never hurt me."

"That's right. I love you – I would never hurt you. I took care of your son for you. Have I made enough amends?"

"It's all right, Severus. You've done more than enough."

"Stay with me, Lily, please? Don't leave me."

"I'm here, Severus. Now sleep. You need rest to get well."

To please her, he slept.

When he woke, she was still there, reading another journal. He said, "Read to me, Lily. I love your voice." She smiled and began reading aloud, and he fell asleep again to the soothing sound of her voice.

The next time, it was dark; he could just make out her form curled in the chair beside him. He whispered, "Lily?"

She stirred and said, "Hmmm?"

"You're still dead, aren't you?" he asked mournfully.

"Yes, I am."

"How am I talking to you? Am I dead, too?"

"No, Severus, you aren't dead. It's not your time yet."

"It has to be. I can't be without you anymore. I have nothing else."

"You have a whole life ahead of you, Severus. You're free now. Voldemort is defeated. You've fulfilled your oath. You've done your duty. You can live for yourself now."

"I don't want to live for myself! I don't want to live at all! Nothing will ever be right for me – not after what I did to you."

"It was a mistake, Severus, an accident. You never meant to hurt me, and I don't blame you for any of it. You tried to protect me. You would have if you could. You protected Harry and his friends."

"But everyone hates me!"

"You need to stop blaming yourself. Let the past go. Do it for me – this one last thing."

"No! Don't leave me!" He was crying now, and he swiped angrily at the tears running down his face. "Let me come with you! Please!"

"No, Severus. You must live your life." Leaning forward, she reached out and gently wiped the tears from his face. He grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet and then down to the edge of the bed with surprising strength. Throwing his arms around her, he sobbed into her chest.

"I can't be here alone! I can't!" Her arms came around him, stroking his hair and his back gently as she murmured soothing noises into his hair.

Eventually, she whispered, "You can, Severus. You must. You won't be alone for long. Everyone will know you're a good person. Everyone will understand what you had to do. You'll make friends, maybe have a family someday. You'll make a wonderful life for yourself."

Suddenly suspicious – was that really how her voice sounded? Was that really how her hair felt? Had she always smelled like almonds? If she was a ghost, how could he hold her at all? – Severus narrowed his eyes, trying to see her in the darkness, groping for the clarity of mind that was rapidly returning. "If I'm alive and you're dead, how am I talking to you?"

"You needed me." She sounded nervous.

He pulled back, trying to see her face.

She turned away, as though to make sure he couldn't. "I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow." With her back to him, she gathered her things in the darkness, not even casting a simple Lumos before turning toward the door. At the last second, she twisted back and kissed the top of his head, then fled out into the corridor.

Severus stared after her in the darkness. Since when did ghosts open doors?