The absurdity of it

5. The Absurdity of It

Present day

"Sibyll was so very disappointed when she realized we were truly in love and happy together," Hermione mused a while later as the water lapped around their very relaxed bodies. "It almost seemed like overkill to loose the Ministry investigators on her."

"She deserved everything she got," Severus said firmly. "Just think of the mess she made of all your friends' lives with her false prophecies and faulty algorithm."

"True," Hermione conceded. "Fortunately, they're all sorted out, now, and everyone's with the right people."

"So it would seem," Severus said. He sighed. "I suppose we ought to get some sleep. Draco and Ginevra are certain to bring Serena home early."

"Do you think so?" Hermione asked. "I rather thought they wanted us to have some alone time."

"Yes, but she'll almost certainly have worn them out by breakfast. Especially with Scorpius around to join whatever mischief she cooks up."

"You're probably right," Hermione admitted. They exited the tub, drying each other and themselves, then headed for bed. "How tired are you?" Hermione asked, running her hand down his chest.

"Not that tired," Severus admitted, just before he claimed her lips with his.

Seven years ago

Severus was in the sitting room, sipping some tea and reading the Quibbler on the third anniversary of the enactment of the Marriage Law while he waited for Hermione to go to breakfast with him. Luna Lovegood had apparently decided it was time to take on the Ministry, because the headline screamed, "Nearly All Pre-Marriage Law Unions Ruled Valid," with a picture of Draco laughing with his wife. The article mentioned a few specific marriages, including his and Hermione's, as well as some of the longstanding matches that had come about long before the Marriage Law had even been contemplated, as evidence that people seemed perfectly capable of finding compatible matches on their own.

Another article proclaimed, "A Law Gone Horribly Wrong: Can a Good Algorithm Make So Many Mismatches?" There were pictures of a number of Weasleys, along with several other people who had fallen prey to the Law. Severus read both articles with some interest.

The gist of the first article, it seemed, was that, after the big fuss that had been raised about the pre-Marriage Law unions, the Ministry discovered that some ninety percent of those marriages were genuine, and nearly all of individuals involved were, by all accounts, very happy with their partners.

This would have been fine, really, except for the contrast with the Ministry-sanctioned matches, whose satisfaction rate was far lower. A follow-up study, financed by war hero Harry Potter, showed that almost none of the Ministry-sanctioned couples had even managed to last the first year under the same roof. In fact, most of the individuals involved were by now, only three years after the Marriage Law had passed, cohabiting with people other than their spouses. Some of them even had children with their current partners.

The article gave a number of examples: Ronald Weasley had twin girls with Lavender Brown, while Charlie Weasley had returned to Romania, where he and his girlfriend, a Durmstrang graduate, were raising their young son together. Meanwhile, Charlie's wife, Penelope, had reunited with her former boyfriend, her husband's brother Percy. Rosmerta had returned to the single life, although she was so frequently seen in the company of Pansy Parkinson that rumour had it they were an item. Pansy's husband, Harry Potter, was happily living in sin with his pregnant girlfriend, who also happened to publish the Quibbler, and their eighteen month old son. In an editorial, Luna eloquently suggested that the Ministry might want to consider checking its Arithmancy, as it was hard to believe a correct algorithm could get so many matches so far wrong. Neville Longbottom, though unable to cohabit with a woman other than his wife because of his position at Hogwarts, spent nearly every spare moment with the heavily pregnant Hannah Abbott, who had her own little cottage in Hogsmeade.

Just as Severus was thinking how fortunate he was to have escaped the 'assistance' of the Ministry in choosing his spouse, Hermione came into the room. Seeing the newspaper, she asked, "Any news worth knowing?" She poured herself some tea and waited for his response.

"Miss Lovegood has taken on the Marriage Law."

"Really?" Hermione sounded delighted. "It would be wonderful if they would repeal it. My friends would all be able to marry their children's other parents."

"I think the Ministry will find it impossible to ignore this report. She names names."

"Oh, that's terrific," Hermione said happily. "Are you ready to go to breakfast? I'm famished."

"Of course," Severus said, putting the paper aside.

Over the next several weeks, Severus and Hermione followed the unfolding story as avidly as the rest of Wizarding Britain did. Vector was hired as a Ministry consultant to review the algorithm, and mere weeks later, she announced that it was so flawed that she had serious questions as to whether any Arithmancy at all – even the most basic Arithmancy taught to third-year students at Hogwarts – had been involved in its creation. She said it was no wonder it didn't work – she couldn't make heads or tails of it.

The article then said Vector had sent the algorithm to a colleague at Beauxbaton, who had sent it back with a letter accusing Vector of wasting her time, as no government would possibly have adopted that mess to match pets with owners, let alone grooms with brides.

Upon reading this, Severus joked, "I bet it would make sense if they plugged me in with Sibyll."

Hermione laughed. "We should ask Septima to try it."

Severus rolled his eyes, but Hermione must have done so, because the very next day, the Quibbler headline asked "Did Purported Seer Invent Algorithm and Prophecy in Thwarted Attempt to Snare Obsession?"

Severus wasn't thrilled to see his own scowling face next to a photo of Sibyll, but he felt vindicated when the article concluded that Sibyll Trelawney appeared to have perpetrated a fraud on the Ministry and should be prosecuted.

Bowing to pressure several days later, the Ministry issued an arrest warrant for Sibyll Trelawney.

Present day

Morning came, and Severus woke, as he had nearly every morning for the past nine years, wrapped around his wife. Even when they argued and went to sleep on opposite sides of the bed, they somehow migrated toward each other in their sleep, and they woke up spooned or, like today, with her head on his chest or stomach and his arms holding her close.

He was just debating mentally whether they had time to have a little fun before the other light of his life returned home when Hermione stirred and stretched, then snuggled in closer. "Morning," she mumbled. Severus decided that Lucius wouldn't allow Serena to leave Malfoy Manor until she had had some breakfast. He stroked a hand down Hermione's back, making her shiver. He felt her smile as she asked, "I can only suppose last night didn't quite do it?"

He grinned into her hair. "I can never quite get enough of you, love."

She seemed pleased, if the kiss he received in response was any indication. He took that as permission to continue with his attentions, and soon he had her writhing and demanding that he move harder and faster before she finally came apart in his arms.

Soon enough, he was spent, too, and as he dozed, he recalled how his beautiful daughter had come into his life.

Three years, nine and a half months earlier

Six years into their marriage, Severus began to wonder if the seven year itch he had heard about was really a six year itch. Hermione had been quiet and withdrawn for the past month or so, and Severus was quietly panicking that perhaps she was finally coming to her senses and realizing she deserved someone younger, handsomer, and better than him.

He tried to think when it had all started. Their last anniversary, not quite three months ago, had been perfectly fine. Really, the entire five years since they had made their marriage real had been a dream, except for the last month. What could have gone wrong?

Finally, he came home early one evening to find Hermione crying in the sitting room. She quickly tried to wipe her eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing's wrong. Everything's fine," she said, just as she had been insisting for weeks. This time, though, he couldn't let it go. He was tired of waiting for her to tell him what was bothering her, and he couldn't take the stress of waiting for her to say she was leaving him.

"Whatever I did, please just tell me so I can apologize and we can get back to normal," he begged. She shook her head sadly, so he added, "Hermione, if you don't love me anymore, just say so. I can take it. What I can't handle is watching you drift further away every single day, and not being able to stop it happening."

She gasped, her eyes flying to his. "You think I don't love you?"

"What am I supposed to think?" he asked tiredly. "You avoid me as much as you possibly can, you ignore me when you can't avoid me, and when I ask you what's wrong, you tell me everything's fine. What am I supposed to think?" he asked again.

"Not that," she said emphatically. "Never think that. I love you more than anything – more than I ever have."

"Then please, talk to me," he said again. "Whatever it is, we can deal with it, we can fix it, if you just tell me what it is. Just talk to me," he begged.

"It's ... I don't know how to say it, Severus. We never discussed it, never talked about it – I have no idea how you're going to react, and I'm terrified that you're going to get angry and make me choose. And I can't – I can't choose."

"Hermione, you're not making sense, love. What haven't we talked about? And why would I make you choose unless ... is there someone else you love, too?" Icy fear encased his heart at the mere thought.

"Not like that, Severus," she assured him, her voice ringing with such sincerity that the ice melted away. "I could never love anyone else the way I love you. Gods, I hope you aren't too upset about this ..." her voice trailed off and she whispered, "I'm pregnant."

He couldn't possibly have heard her correctly. All this angst because she was pregnant? The absurdity of it hit him suddenly, followed closely by the strongest sense of relief he had ever felt. She still loved him! She wasn't leaving him! They were having a baby! He began to laugh.

He laughed harder at the shock on her face. "What?" she demanded crossly. "What's so funny?"

"All this angst because you're pregnant?" he gasped, sitting down on the sofa beside her and pulling her stiff body close. He kissed her cheek and spoke gently. "Hermione, sweetheart, I was an active participant in the activities that got you pregnant, and I'm not an idiot. I know those activities have been known to lead to pregnancy – even if we had carefully taken precautions every single time, which you must admit, we didn't. Why would I be upset about this?"

She was staring, slackjawed. Finally she said weakly, "You've never seemed to like children much."

"I'll like our children perfectly well," he said. "And if you were paying attention, you might have realized that I actually like Draco's son, and I don't even mind your other friends' children."

"Oh," Hermione said shakily. "I guess I assumed you were just being polite because you had to."

"Sweetheart, I love you, but your hormones have apparently addled your brain. There hasn't been any particular reason for me to pretend civility toward your friends or anyone else for almost three years – not since the Law was repealed and Trelawney sent to Azkaban."

"Well, you might have been being nice for my sake," she sniffed.

"I would do nearly anything for you, love, but in this case, it was unnecessary," he assured her. "Your friends aren't nearly as dunderheaded as they used to be, and I like their children well enough. It's amazing how much less annoying children are when I'm not trying to unobtrusively save them from themselves while placating a maniac bent on destroying them all the time."

She sniffed again and twisted to look him in the eye. "You swear you aren't upset about this?"

"I swear, Hermione, I'm thrilled about this." He kissed her. "Now, what say you wipe your eyes and put on a pretty dress and let me take you out to dinner?"

"Really?"

"Yes, really. We're having a baby – we need to celebrate."

She kissed him. "You're the best husband ever, Severus." She hurried into the bathroom to wash her face.

Severus stayed where he was, savoring the relief and pleasure in knowing that Hermione still loved him, and they were soon going to have a child of their own – he began imagining a little girl with bushy hair and black eyes.

He just hoped she got her mother's nose.