Chapter Four: Learning For The First Time Again
Chapter 4 of 7
TeddyRadiatorYou might have a fear of falling, but that doesn't mean you won't fall anyway.
ReviewedChapter 4 Learning For The First Time Again
For Sempraseverus
Antilitigation Charm: Nothing you recognize belongs to me. All characters are property of JK Rowling and not me. If they did belong to me, Severus Snape would be alive and well and snarking his way through Hogwarts even as we speak.
Tenderness and time. Those were the things Lily told me I would need in order to recover. As always, my old friend was correct. Time, I had in abundance. Gradually, and at first reluctantly, I'll admit, I allowed tenderness to creep into my marrow. I'd like to say I had some say in the matter.
Hermione did it, the cheeky little wotsit. One smile at a time. One gentle touch at a time. One hair washing at a time. Merlin, that girl loved to get her hands on that lank mess on my head. I let her. She made me.
And then came the tentative caresses while helping me gain my unsteady footing. Then the hugs, then the bigger hugs. The little things, like the day I struggled to stand and reached for her, rumbling, "Come here, woman."
Hermione gasped, then hugged me so tightly, I thought my stitches would pop. Her eyes were shining. "You called me a woman! Say it again," she said ecstatically, wiping tears of joy from her eyes.
I smirked. "No."
Silly little girl. Woman. I refused her whim, of course. I called her 'woman' at every opportunity after that.
And there were the full on, no-holds-barred embraces. The huge, chest-squeezing hugs that took my breath away and gave me leave to complain that she could give Nagini constriction lessons. She'd ambush me from behind, sneaking up and wrapping me in a bear hug so tight I felt almost obligated to complain. Almost.
I hid my satisfaction and told her I didn't mind her advances per se, only that I felt other patients might feel... left out. Not that I would have tolerated her hugging anyone else, mind. I told myself those hugs were part of my magical physio. I was good at telling myself those kinds of things.
After all, how was I supposed to tell her that her tight, tight hugs were part of the magic that held me together now? What good is being a Compleat Master Spy if you can't keep secrets even from yourself?
And then there was the first kiss. I'm a private man, or at least I was, so I won't give out the sordid details. Suffice to say, I initiated it, as the man should. That she tried to crawl all over me during and after might tell you something of my kissing prowess. That afterward I allowed her to reciprocate, until I was so dizzy and overwrought Poppy made me take a Calming Draught, might tell you something of Hermione's kissing prowess.
-o0o-
You see, rather perversely, after Lily spurned me, I became a bit of a shagging demon. Smarting from her rejection, I turned to the Dark Revels to give me scope, and I explored all the aspects of sex available to me. I enjoyed them, but even as I took my pleasure, I knew I was experiencing a pale imitation of what I could have had with Lily. Of all people, I knew the difference between sex and love.
When Lily was killed, my physical urges temporarily died with her, and guilt and remorse drove my sex drive far underground. To the Death Eaters, I became the Dark Aesthete, the Celibate. Dumbledore's Eunuch, I believe, was Bellatrix Lestrange's favourite nickname for me.
My reputation kept me from the worst of what I saw happening around me. Now, the Revels stirred nothing more in me than self-loathing and disgust. I didn't have sex because sex was the closest thing I could equate to love, and I had killed my love. My traumatized libido stayed dormant for so long that self-denial became a way of life.
I shall not bruise your tender sensibilities with the details of our first night together as lovers. I will only say that we were quietly reading together in my chambers. Hermione looked as tender and soft as a kitten, sitting in my large chair, her socked feet tucked underneath her. I confess I was completely absorbed in my Potions journal.
I would tell you that even if I wasn't. It was only when I heard a small sound that I looked up and found her standing in front of me, her small hand reaching for mine. She looked delicate but I knew her strength. She smelled like rain and fresh herbs, and I just knew the taste of her would be equally delicious. It was suddenly the thing I wanted most in the world.
Wordlessly I rose and we walked hand in hand to my bed. My heart was pounding as she undressed for me, and I watched her as a starving man watches his first real meal. It was only after she stood before me, naked and self-conscious of her too-thin body, her many scars, that I gained enough sense to spell my clothes away, to show that I, too, had scars.
For a few moments we explored each other. Not sexually, really. Just two people learning each other, taking inventory, seeing who and what we really were. She touched my Dark Mark tenderly, and for the first time in my life, I understood the difference between pity and comfort. She stroked my skin as if it were some kind of sacrament. I had never been touched this way by anyone. I thought I was the one with the experience. I was not prepared for a sensuality of touch that nearly carved me up with tenderness.
She told me I was beautiful. I was tempted to believe her. I told her she was beautiful, and I meant it. I was lost to this meddlesome, wonderful little witch, and I had to admit it. Any lingering doubts of betraying Lily flew out of my life with the last vestiges of my self-control.
This sweet, lovely, intelligent, bushy-haired Gryffindor had the temerity to fall in love with me. And prove it. Time and time again. In the space of a few months, my feelings came back to life. Desire, hope, pleasure. All the things I associated with Lily were now associated with Hermione, and what's more, I knew in my heart Lily would be happy for me. She knew, after all, what was waiting for me if only I'd allow it to happen.
My silence and self-denial seemed as obsolete and redundant as the Dark Lord now. There was no reason to hold back, except for the silly stubborn pride I'd worn for so long it might as well have been a Muffliato charm. Hermione canceled that, and I found I didn't really miss it. At least, not with her.
When our exploring hands no longer seemed adequate, our mouths took over. And when those grew impatient, in a giddy moment I swooped her up in my arms, knowing my back would bitch about it later, and laid her on my bed. Holding out her arms to me, Hermione favoured me with the most wicked little grin I'd ever received, and I heard a noise issue from my throat that sounded like a cross between a command and an entreaty.
Finally, at last, in her arms I found my voice again. My growls, my purrs, my crooning, my pleas, my demands, my murmurs, were all for Hermione, and I felt my soul sing. Who knew Severus Snape would enjoy talking dirty during sex? And that Hermione Granger would egg him on? Certainly not Severus Snape himself.
I wanted to make this first time with Hermione so good, she'd want to repeat it with me. A lot. It was only after my first thrust that I realized this was her first time, full stop. At that first delicious plunge she made a startled sound of pleasure and pain that was so exquisite, I had to close my eyes and concentrate very hard on listing the twelve uses of dragon's blood. It was awhile before I could continue.
Well, it had been a very, very long time for me, and I was so unnerved by the twin sensations of shock and unspeakable pleasure it was nearly over before it had begun.
I remember our eyes locked as we moved together, finding our rhythm as it found us, and the noises she made gave me the feeling of being the most talented lover on earth. She issued a silent invitation, and I couldn't resist looking into her mind.
It was a strange sensation, looking up at myself through her eyes, but I can tell you I've never looked more handsome. Or happier. Or more loved. Or more humbled by the sight of this willing, loving, glorious creature stirring beneath me, loving me. Loving me.
I was trembling, ready to burst with happiness. I could feel our magic swirl around us as we roared to our mutual completion. Soul to soul, body to body, I was loved. Severus Snape, Greasy Git and ex-Death Eater, was loved and felt like the first man on earth to experience it.
When our passion reached its astonishing peak and left us both gasping and mewling with the power of it, Hermione smiled up at me, her face alight with a glow I'd given her. Gravity caused tears to roll into her hair and I tenderly wiped them away. She had not cried at the loss of her maidenhead. I had cried at the rediscovery of my ability to love.
I might have let it go to my head a little. I might have said, "I love you, Hermione Granger," that night. I might have said it over and over until it was a new spell only I had the ability to cast. I grabbed a quill and wrote it on her flesh as she squealed from ticklishness. I wrote it on my chalkboard in the Potions classroom. I may have flung open a window and shouted it out into the freezing night. Alright, I was a little heady from the sex. It had been a very, very, very long time. I laughed a lot. I was in love.
I now knew I was where Lily said I should be. I no longer felt like a traitor to her memory. I only felt gratitude that she'd sent me back to this warm, fierce, protective, loving little lioness, and I was damned if I'd allow anything to cause Hermione to think otherwise. My Hermione, who thought I hung the moon.
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To see the beautiful art that inspired this fic, please go to: http://my.deviantart.com/messages/#/d32srwz.
This is drawn by the great Sempraseverus. If you are not acquainted with her work, please go and check it out. Her SS/HG artwork are things of beauty, as is her soul.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Spellbreaker
82 Reviews | 7.63/10 Average
He did get his wish, he just didn't recognize it at first. How wonderful! My favorite thing about this chapter were Severus' thoughts and feelings toward his children. I've even had some of them myself. This was a very satisfying happy ending.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so much - I am thrilled you enjoyed it.
I loved the three men bonding over Hermione. I'm pleased that they could all respect each other's feelings for her. And yay, a baby! I have a soft spot for him as a father.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you! <3
Fortunately for you, I can move right on to the next chapter. I didn't want to have to hurt you, lol. I'd never really thought about him not being up to his usual dueling standards after recovery and his comfortable life. Very realistic.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Whew! I have always thought of him as a wicked dualist - I suppose given his background it was get good quick or suffer - but yes, being comfortable can be dangerous.
This Severus is from your early work, and his character isn't quite as fine tuned as what he is today. That is not a negative comment, just that I'm noticing how you've grown as an author. That said, your early work is light years ahead of the average author. And, regardless, there is that core thing that I can't really put into words, something about your writing style and ability to emotionally affect your readers, that has been present from day one. I took such joy in his discovery that he has the ability to love. I wanted to open my window and shout it too. He is certainly fortunate that Hermione has a tendency toward forgiveness.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so very much. I will treasure these words forever. I can't tell you how gratifying your comment is and how much it means to me.
I love how he doesn't even notice as she sneaks her way back into his life. I'd say they made progress by leaps and bounds here. Makes me think something will go wrong soon.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
LOL It wouldn't be real life if it didn't! LOL
Wow, he's angry. And, he is horrid to her, which is understandable to a point, but it makes it that much worse that she doesn't scream at him, or call him out on his over-the-top assessment of her. That she is calm, and apologetic, and mature about it makes his outburst seem so much worse. I hope each can see the others point of view, even if they don't agree.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so much - you always give such thoughtful wonderful comments! <3
Oh, the despair rolling off that man in waves is overwhelming. Especially after such joy at having his prayers answered of spending all of eternity with his love. But, I can't be too troubled about it. I have a feeling there is someone waiting to love him eventually;). BTW, was this written for an exchange or fest of some sort? I kind of feel like I've read it, but I didn't review here which is unlike me. No matter. If it's been more than a year since I read something, I will have forgotten how it turns out!
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you! Actually, this was the first fanfic I ever wrote for SSHG, waaaaaay back in 2010, I think. It's collecting Social Security by now, but it's really nice to have some comments on it. <3
Absolutely gorgeous! Loved it!
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so much! I'm thrilled you enjoyed my first fanfic.
This story wrenched my heart in all the right places (which is totally a good thing).
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so much, sweetie, for such kind words for my first fanfic. I'm sorry it took so longer to answer - I just realised that a lot of my TPP review notifications were going into spam - I had no idea they were here.
Yes, yes. I went back and read this chapter again.
Severus is so fortunate to be loved by such a strong and giving woman and such a powerful witch. Imagine if Lavender Brown had been the person who loved him and had tried to save him. Well, poor Lavender would have probably not been able to pull it off, at any rate.
If Severus hadn't been able to have seen Hermione's soul as a result of her returning his, he would probably have never believed or understood how much he is loved. How very fortunate he is that she hasn't given up on him and that she figured out how to give him his soul back. I suppose having some of his soul in her would make it fairly impossible for her to give up on him completely, no matter that he is a right bastard.
It's also fortunate that Poppy knows him so well and knows how much he suffered as he spent years sacrificing his life for others. Though those good deeds were only known to a few they sowed the seeds of his redemption by earning him the loyalty of someone like Poppy Pomfrey. Though Poppy didn't leave him to his own devices like the other healers, as an old friend, she must have been mighty tempted to slap him silly for his own good. We all can't help but love him, can we. 
JKR really missed the mark when she killed him off for good. Silly girl! Lucky for us it gave wonderful authors like yourself fodder for happier endings and the need to make it right. How empty life was before fan fiction for the lonely and home bound. Thank you.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you for such a powerful message. When I started this story, I honestly didn't think I had any fanfiction story to tell - I had read so many good (and not so good) stories by then, I honestly didn't think I had anything more to add to them. It was only Sempra's challenge to write something based on her art that enabled me to re-discover my Muse, Dahlra, who gave me this story in a matter of days. I wrote it over the course of three days, then sent it to her. She liked it, and suggested I post it. It was a story about redemption and finding love and the joining of the soul, but it was actually the story of me finding this spiritual Muse who had been with me and accepting him.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you for such a powerful message. When I started this story, I honestly didn't think I had any fanfiction story to tell - I had read so many good (and not so good) stories by then, I honestly didn't think I had anything more to add to them. It was only Sempra's challenge to write something based on her art that enabled me to re-discover my Muse, Dahlra, who gave me this story in a matter of days. I wrote it over the course of three days, then sent it to her. She liked it, and suggested I post it. It was a story about redemption and finding love and the joining of the soul, but it was actually the story of me finding this spiritual Muse who had been with me and accepting him.
After I went to look at the wonders that are the galleries of Sepraseverus, I came back and read the chapter again. It is truly worth savoring more than once. 
I appreciate and admire Hermione's offering of trust by inviting Severus back into her mind after the first time when he viciously tore it to pieces.
I suppose that Severus' proclamations of love goes some way to mending the verbal rending of Hermione's character when he first found out what she had done. I'm sure that Hermione is quite satisfied in the outcome, but I will personally feel more respect for the Severus in this story after he humbly begs her to forgive him for saying all of the mean and hateful things he said to her, the names he called her and the way he cruelly assassinated her character. I expect she will say it is unnecessary, but for the sake of his own self respect and as becoming a "proper man" in the Old Fashioned English sense of the word, I think it is something that will eventually need to be done. I'm thinking in the sense of the H. Rider Haggard "Allen Quatermaine" archetype. I know Severus Snape is not suppose to be an Allen Quatermain or gentlemanly. His snarky dark side is part of what we find so very sexy about the man. It's just that the style of your writing in this story reminded me of the first person style of writing Haggard uses in his stories.
It's safe to say I'll probably read the chapter at least once more. It is quite eloquent and joyful.
I have a question. Since Hermione performed the soul capturing spell on Severus, doesn't that mean they are already essentially mated for life? Would this simply be the consummation portion of the spell? Does this make them magically married?
Well done!!!!
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so much for your lovely comments. When I set out to write this story, I had no idea what it would be about. I just sat down and started typing. This was the first time I realised I was being 'Muse-driven' as I like to call it, and I was literally letting my Muse tell me what to type. It was a lot like taking dictation. I really appreciate your observations, and looking back, I would have done things differently, but being my first fanfic, I was just too busy trying to get up the nerve to hit the 'add story' button!I will let you read on further before I make any comments on the soul spell, but thank you so much for taking the time to write this lovely review. I love the Allen Quartermaine comment - thank you so much!
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so much for your lovely comments. When I set out to write this story, I had no idea what it would be about. I just sat down and started typing. This was the first time I realised I was being 'Muse-driven' as I like to call it, and I was literally letting my Muse tell me what to type. It was a lot like taking dictation. I really appreciate your observations, and looking back, I would have done things differently, but being my first fanfic, I was just too busy trying to get up the nerve to hit the 'add story' button!I will let you read on further before I make any comments on the soul spell, but thank you so much for taking the time to write this lovely review. I love the Allen Quartermaine comment - thank you so much!
She's a good woman! She's a better woman than I am. I would be glad for him that he was pardoned, glad he got his medal, glad people appreciate his sacrifice and that he is free to start over, but I don't know if I would be able to overcome his insults. Even if I didn't hold it against him it would still sting very intensely in my person.
I suppose I'm too much like him. I'd be swimming in self pity even if my common sense was telling me that I shouldn't have expected anything else from such a man as he. Will he ever apologize? I know she doesn't care if he does, but if he has any self respect he better beg her to forgive him for all the very mean names he called her. He needs to say out loud that he is ashamed of himself for it and that she never deserved it. She might already be able to know his feelings or maybe she doesn't, but he needs to be a man and make it right if he ever wants to make a better life than he had the first time around. She never did anything to make his life the hell it was nor to cause him to be the bitter man he ended up being. I don't expect him to say he loves her, since he may not realize it yet and it may feel too soon. I just expect him to be humble and admit he recognizes that what he did was horrid and cannot to be glossed over just because he hated his crappy life and himself. 
Is Hermione's magical self and her magical strength restored now that she got some rest? I am really enjoying this story and am very into it. 
You are really a great story teller!
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
I agree I made him a little heavy-handed in this story - it was my first fanfic, and I was still finding my feet as far as how I truly saw him as a character. I have mellowed him out a bit since then, and taken my lead from the great Sempraseverus. Thank you so much for your lovely comments!
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
I agree I made him a little heavy-handed in this story - it was my first fanfic, and I was still finding my feet as far as how I truly saw him as a character. I have mellowed him out a bit since then, and taken my lead from the great Sempraseverus. Thank you so much for your lovely comments!
You've done a wonderful job at conveying the feelings of both Severus and Hermione. It brought me to tears. I hope that SOB starts to regret his selfish meanness. Hermione must be utterly broken hearted and feel completely betrayed. She probably wishes she were dead. Since he has to be here anyway, I hope Mr. Snape grows some remorse before it's over. It just made me think of the "I'm an Asshole" song.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
He was a bit of one, wasn't he? My later Severuses are a little more down to earth and pragmatic. I was a little overbearing with his this first time around. I straightened him out by As Morning Falls, though! ;)
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
He was a bit of one, wasn't he? My later Severuses are a little more down to earth and pragmatic. I was a little overbearing with his this first time around. I straightened him out by As Morning Falls, though! ;)
Poor Sev! I really hate it when I wish I was dead but I'm not! I truly sympathize with Severus Snape! And what a terrible blow to be dead, think he is getting to be with Lily then finding out he isn't ever going to be with her on top of going back to hell on earth. I'm hoping you are going to take care of his problems, give him someone much smarter and better than Lily Potter and make his life more worth living. I'm ready for a few miracles, Teddy Angel. 
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you! I think something can be arranged ;)
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you! I think something can be arranged ;)
Please tell me you have other stories. I've read all you have here at TPP, but I want more. I love your writing style. I love the way you portray Snape and Hermione. This story in particular is wonderful. Just please tell me there's more somewhere!
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so very much! I have the bulk of my fics archived at Ashwinder, but I also plan to move them here in the next few weeks. I'm so glad you enjoy my work! Also, I do a lot of writing at Live Journal, where there is a huge thriving SSHG community, full of work you won't see in any archive. I'd love for you to join us there as well!
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so very much! I have the bulk of my fics archived at Ashwinder, but I also plan to move them here in the next few weeks. I'm so glad you enjoy my work! Also, I do a lot of writing at Live Journal, where there is a huge thriving SSHG community, full of work you won't see in any archive. I'd love for you to join us there as well!
What a beautiful story! Congratulations for an incredible job, It was a pleasure to read such a well writen fic! I hope you keep writing new ones =] Kisses
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
I am so very sorry to be so late in responding to this lovely comment. I somehow told TPP not to notify me of any reviews, and it's only been lately that I've becoming more active here again and saw this. Please forgive me for my tardiness, and thank you for such a lovely encouraging review.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
I am so very sorry to be so late in responding to this lovely comment. I somehow told TPP not to notify me of any reviews, and it's only been lately that I've becoming more active here again and saw this. Please forgive me for my tardiness, and thank you for such a lovely encouraging review.
A very lovely fic. Thanks for sharing!
I love this story every time I read it. I love Severus being in love with his son and his son being in love with him. I love how you entitled chapter 2 -- it always makes me laugh. I love Severus' internal dialogue; it is sooo Snapey.Thanks so much for writing it and sharing it. You have made my day many times.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
And you have just returned the favour! You have sooooo made my day with this lovely review. Thank you so much. Your kind words mean more than I can ever say.
Wow. For a first story, this is amazing. You told it straight, and to the point. Nothing unnecessary was in there - you did it all at a very fast pace, but in that fast pace was a balance of a wonderful plot with your fantastic writing, and your humour. This last chapter was so heartfelt, I found myself smiling the whole way through it. I love his descriptions of how he feels about his children - as well as his wife. I wonder if you have children, because I don't, not even close, but I'm sure that's what it would feel like to be proud of them. Your writing is so utterly believable, and that is what I love about it.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so much for your encouragement and your lovely feedback. Nothing is so rewarding than knowing someone has enjoyed what you have written. Actually, I don't have children, but my husband does, and I know how proud he is of them, and how I've come to understand that. We actually did a podfic of this story, with him reading (he has a lovely speaking voice - very British), and this was used for a friend who loves fanfic but can no longer read due to a brain tumour, so it means a lot to me to know this story, which was written with so much nervousness and hope, still has appeal. Thank you again for your kind words. Teddy Radiator
Response from magicalpresence (Reviewer)
That's wonderful - I'm actually British! That's such a lovely thing to do for somebody. I love how fanfic brings people together :)The fact that you don't have children just makes your ability to write even better. You really are one of my favourites :) (I realise that I've most likely stalked your stories recently - I'm not strange, really, I just have fallen in love with the way you write, and so have been reading absolutely everything you've done!)
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so much - I love streaders (stalker readers!) Seriously, I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know. I love to write. I write original erotic fiction as well, and I love to write and read fanfiction, so when someone enjoys my writing - I'm just over the moon. I always tell folks who take the time to write a review that I am grateful for any feedback, and your lovely encouragement is music to my ears (and don't worry, I stalk several other authors myself, so we are probably sneaking around the same houses, so to speak!)
Response from magicalpresence (Reviewer)
Hahaha streaders! Brilliant. Well, I shall carry on reviewing as I go through your wonderful stories - it is nice to have somebody to speak back to.
Oh that's so fantastic! I was beginning to think this wouldn't end well, YAY for Severus!
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so much!
Oh, Bad Severus!! Poor Hermione, he really went for her!!
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
LOL, yes, he was having a very bad day!! :)
It was a wonderful story. Thank you for writing such an absolutely amazing one. I look forward to the next story.
What a beautiful story.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you so much - I'm really glad you enjoyed it.
What a wonderful first fanfic. You've given it a fine blend of angst and humour, with heaps of love. And all in the first person narrative - which can be very tricky . Well done.
Response from TeddyRadiator (Author of Spellbreaker)
Thank you. The Muse was whispering in my ear the entire time (he does that because he knows I can't resist his sexy accent!) I'm really glad you enjoyed it. I have a new on the queue, so I hope you'll enjoy this one as well.