Five: In which Severus' Gran expresses an opinion
Chapter 5 of 11
richardgloucesterRon, Harry and Hermione discover the consequences of their inaction with regard to saving the life of one Chosen by the gods – or in this case, goddess. And it all becomes vastly more complicated when the school hires workmen to fix the battle damage at Hogwarts.
ReviewedFive: In which Severus' Gran expresses an opinion
Severus checked that his underpants were firmly in place once he'd changed into his tunic. The goddess's assurances about respecting his personal dignity were not, he knew from experience, to be relied upon. Guarding his shreds of dignity also meant that he spent a good few minutes neatly hanging up his suit, robes, and heavy outer garments. It made the nymphs pout that they were not permitted to serve his every need as their mistress had commanded, but Severus was adamant. His Gran had told him that a man was no man if he couldn't do for himself, and by now, everybody on the rocky promontory knew that old Mrs Snape's word was law.
And though Severus was in most ways very appreciative of the fact that he could go back to a sunny Greek isle and a pair of affectionate arms, a mouth made for kissing and a body made for ... It nevertheless discomfited him that his Gran, somewhere, was giving a sharp sniff over the fact that this no-good female was so eager to please him in every way that he was losing his independence. “Fat lap-dog” was the term she'd always used for men like that. Severus took to eyeing his belly uneasily and made certain he got a goodly amount of exercise.
“My love,” purred Aphrodite, rising sinuously from her couch. The swan she had been feeding waddled off to the pool and plopped inelegantly into the water. “Come and sit with me! I have had your favourite delicacies prepared, and you shall take them from my fingers and wine from my lips.”
Severus felt a perverse longing for soggy chips served in pages of The News of the World.
“I'm not hungry,” he said. “Doesn't it ever rain here?”
It was night, but a hot breeze was ruffling the draperies. He poured himself a glass of water and followed the swan. He sat on the edge of the pool, dangling his feet in the water and looking out over the shifting shimmer of moonlight on the black sea far below.
The goddess laughed. She signalled her attendants to bring a cushion and settled herself behind him so she could massage his shoulders.
“So disagreeable, Severus! Has that terrible girl been annoying you?” He shook his head, beginning in spite of himself to turn to jelly. “My husband, then?”
“Not at all. I get on rather well with him. Which is unexpected, considering the rather ... awkward ... situation my liaison with you creates.”
“That bothers you?” She was now massaging his scalp and frankly there was nothing on the face of the earth that was going to bother him right at that moment.
“Not if he's not bothered.”
“He's used to it.” Her tone was a little ruthless, but Severus decided that, giving the matter due consideration, he could think about that another time – when he was capable of thought. Aphrodite insisted that he wear the silly tunic largely on the grounds that it was an easy-access garment, and she was busy accessing. She stood and pulled Severus to his feet. Looking lustfully up into her blue eyes, Severus supposed he should be grateful she didn't just tuck him under her arm and carry him off, the way she had that Adonis chap. And look what a sticky end he'd made of things. No point resisting. None at all. Oh, he loved the way her flimsy dress just fell off when she wanted it to, catching just slightly on her nipples and slinking over her hips.
Later, he stared frowning up at the canopy of the bed. Aphrodite slept peacefully at his side, her curves taking on a silver sheen in the moonlight. In repose, her face took on a sweetness it rarely showed waking, when she was plotting, persuading, wheedling, weeping, sulking or smiling. It disturbed him that what she thought she wanted while she was awake made her less happy than she could be. But then, he reflected, wasn't that the case for everyone? So tough titty, and he'd enjoy it while the going was good. Being a goddess's plaything wasn't all bad.
“Lap-dog,” said his Gran.
He swung his legs out of the bed and sat up. He had work to think about. He hummed tunelessly as he padded down the narrow pathway to the place he was allowed to store his clothes. He sat on a rock facing the rising sun to pull on his wellies – it was snowing at Hogwarts – and found jolly words spilling from his lips in a Christmassy tumble: “These boots are made for walking, And that's just what they'll do. One of these days these boots are going to walk all over you, dum dum dum dum dum dum dum ...”
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Latest 25 Reviews for Whom the Gods Annoy
73 Reviews | 6.16/10 Average
" sitting in the sunshine with nothing but a chocolate egg for company" * sigh * sounds good to me.
Severus is mahing hay while the sun shines.
Oh dear, I never thought I would say this but poor Ron. 
Possibly a strange comment, but good call on Homer being color blind. There is speculation that some ancient cultures could not see blue or green. They had no word for it. Of course, there's always James Joyce: "the snot-green sea."
Sounds like Hermione had a happy Christmas after all.
It seems only fitting, that the Gods should drive the most perfect car ever built.
Only Severus would sit playing draughts with the Goddess of love, and worrying about his hemline.
I know she wants a project but one this big will be a challenge, even for a Goddess.
Have just read the story in one go. Really enjoyed Aphrodite's 'gifts', Hermione's new healthier attitude to life, and Severus' musical tastes. Gran is great; would like to see more of her! I really liked the style of the last chapter too.
Lovely
This was so much fun to read! All the immortal characters were so cleverly written. Sev's first chapter obsession with boobies had me in stitches. And I adored the predicaments that Ron and Harry suffered. Thank you for this A-plus, 5-stars, blue ribbon, 1st place story!
I forgot to add that I wish Gran had revealed herself.
This is perfect! Love this chapter - how inventive! Adored everything about it. Positively guffawed about Ron getting a job with Pixar. Love the bit about the nectar (extended life span, hm?) and also that last bit about the chain and the rose... Oh Dicky, this fic was perfect! So unusual and unique and just sheer fun. And a lot of food for thought about the relationship between thinking and doing...
This is so wonderful. And funny. And ABBA? ~cracks up~
There is nothing to say but LOL!
Your Severus is pitch-perfect. From that line about snapping back so hard he's surprised no one heard the twang to this: "Severus felt the uncomfortable twinge in his guts that meant he was about to start saving people again. It was a habit that was proving impossible to break, and usually gave him severe indigestion." -- perfection. Also, Severus would be the one man who finds something lacking in the Goddess of Love. ~snrt~ And the line about Pink Floyd -- more giggle-snorting. And holy God, Snape sings Bohemian Rhapsody in the shower? I am dying here, Dicky! How on earth did I not read this sooner? And the Circe comment? OMG. "Not the right thing to say." Almost died. (Can you tell I'm just commenting as I read?) Well, this is a bloody effing delightful fic, Dicky. I'm quite enjoying myself.
I'm in love already. Your Aphrodite is positively delightful. "Seen one calm day, seen them all." LOL. I am quite excited to see how Severus reacts to being taken under her wing...
I am still reeling at the originality of this idea. The thought of there existing bigger and better magicians than wizards is a compelling idea; that should bring them down a peg or two. Lets face it, even the ones who reject pure-blood ideology and fight against it are patronising towards Muggles at best. This is great! I'm really loving it.
ROFL! Oh! Of course he listens to 'The Wall' and 'Wish you were here' - Where else do you go to for angst? Oh of course, The Smiths: I can hear him in the shower singing at the top of his voice: "I am human and I need to be loved... just like everybody else does." So many LOL lines.
What a fantastically clever excuse to have a purple prose frenzy and get away with it. It's so well done, too. And this is a great premise for what promises to be a very funny take on SS/HG.
I'm just wondering who on earth the Goddess is going to pick for her project.
What a fantastic story. It was sweet, and smart, and oh so very funny, but in a subtle refreshing way. This was an unusual storyline and made for a very enjoyable read. I especially like the manner in which it wrapped up with the last chapter. Thanks for sharing such a fun story!
Thanks for a thoroughly enjoyable read. Your anglo-saxon turn of phrase often makes me chuckle, something I sometimes miss when reading american authors work. And your description of the scottish weather - spot on.
Bugger, just realised I forgot to stock up on marmite when I was over in the UK. Sigh!
John Smith, eh?
Gods are just boys deep down, as it seems. They love to play around with shiny tools. But they do prefer to make their hands dirty at the end of the day.
Cleverly written with much humor and lots of references, of which I probably didn't get all.
Chapter love!
Only Severus could be "not in the mood" when being pursued by the most beautiful female in creation.
There were just too many lines or quotes in this chapter which made me smile, to single one out, but I'll try nonetheless:
"Bazoombas."
Of course I have read this story when it was posted on the Exchange. Back then I was reading it in a frenzy - I just wanted to know what was going on. Much too quick to really appreciate your style ... altough I did learn a fair bit about mythology :-)
Good grief, you truly have a way with words. My words fail me in my attempt to praise you for that.
Just let me say one word: Brilliant.