My Soul I Bare

I have thought endlessly to find a way to reach you, to make you understand. This is what I have to offer. The book lying on my desk is the journal I kept during my tenure as Headmaster. Inside you will find my thoughts, secrets and desires. There is no one in this world other than you that I would share this with. I ask that regardless of what you may decide at its conclusion to keep its contents private.

Yours,

*~*~

In all my time here at Hogwarts, through all the difficult tasks that were set ahead of me I always held onto some hope. I always felt this place was my home. Now as I sit here in the Headmaster's Office, my office, I am struck with how little comfort I feel here. A place that before brought refuge and kindness, without him I fear it is empty and filling with such darkness. I often times find myself fighting back the bile that arises so suddenly. The Carrows are amongst my staff now, and the others all hate me with every fiber of their being. If only they understood. I wish I could tell them how proud I am of their resilient defense of our students and school.

*~*~

They are on the run. I think of you endlessly now. The thoughts of you are the only thing that keeps me sane, keeps me treading along this narrowing path. For all these years I have loved you, grieved you, and watched over your son, though difficult the latter may have been. I have done them all for you. I am doing all I can to ensure he has the upper hand, that he is prepared for what lies ahead of him. Even at the expense of my own life.

*~*~

I've finally received word on them. Granger, the ever Know-It-All had been prepared. They are traveling together, and doing well. If it took me this long to track them, then Granger is doing something right. I have no doubt in my mind that girl will keep them safe and moving towards their goal. The tension around the castle is overwhelming at times. Longbottom has seemed to grow into himself. The young man that stands before me these days is a far cry from the absentminded first year. He has grown into a leader, gathering his Gryffindor cohorts against the Carrows. It's proving more difficult to guarantee his safety; already under my watch the children have been harmed. They are right to revile me.

*~*~

They are smarter than I gave them credit for. I decided to check on them myself and carefully cloaking myself I set about my task. They are camping, traveling through the forests and scarcely populated places. I could feel the wards set along their perimeter, set to conceal themselves from anyone harboring ill-intent towards them. From the scraps of information I am able to garner from Headmaster Black's portrait, they have been on the whole healthy aside from a few minor incidents, the most recent being the departure of the youngest red-headed menace. Thank Merlin, I can count on Granger. She is your son's best friend, and loyal to a fault. She is the most brilliant student I have ever taught, and in six years I have never once acknowledged that fact.

*~*~

I had a startling thought this evening during dinner. With the Carrows seated on either side of me, ranting on against Muggles and their foulness, I was suddenly struck with the most ludicrous thought ever. I had a sudden and almost inexplicable yearning to engage Minerva in conversation. All the times I had sat at this very table wishing to escape a chatty Minerva. Now I fought the urge to turn to her. If it stopped there, I may have been wholly unaffected, but as dinner wore on I realized it was not only Minerva whom I had begrudgingly admitted I missed, but also other members of The Order. People I never would have imagined wishing to see, Arthur and Molly rise to my mind and their unwavering generosity of spirit. It would be utterly vile to admit that even the werewolf crosses my mind; I've heard he has started a family. Something I know resolutely I will never have.

*~*~

I was called away for a meeting tonight. After the obligatory hem-kissing and meeting, I was forced to once again take my present. Narcissa has been gifted to me, openly and publicly declared to be my whore. Lucius shakes and trembles with barely restrained wrath while I make his wife moan and beg like a whore for the audience of Death Eaters. That alone provides it satisfactory. I pulled out of her as she was begging for me to fill her, instead choosing to release all over her. I returned her to Lucius still covered in my release. The sex while physically satisfying does little for my spirit. I've never once made love to a woman. Placing my mouth upon a woman has been one of the lines I have refused to cross, fearing that if I allowed a kiss of any kind an attachment may form. The last woman I kissed was you. The only woman I ever wanted to love, to release myself so deeply inside of you, only you. Perhaps that's why I have reserved those two acts as too intimate to share with anyone else.

*~*~

Things are progressing as they should, and soon I shall be leaving to bring something to your son--something to help him in his endeavor. I know the end is approaching, I can feel it in my bones. Our Lord grows more anxious by the day; his ranks are readying themselves for the battle that lies ahead. With any luck I will be with you soon, Lily love.

*~*~

The outing was a success. I bestowed upon your son a great weapon, and remained out of view. I used your doe, and just as I expected he followed without hesitation. He almost drowned attempting to retrieve the item, luckily enough his fool of a friend, Weasley, finally proved his worth. With two of the three in my sight and caught up in their reunion and work, I crept towards their campsite. My intent was only to establish that all three were in good health, if not slightly worse for wear. I found a small opening on one side of their tent, warded luckily enough against only those bearing ill intent. I peered inside seeking a glimpse of her, enough to know that all was well with the trio. What I found instead was a beautiful young woman, lying naked upon her bed. Her fingers worked feverishly upon her slickened flesh, rubbing and thrusting into herself – wild and utterly untamed. Her mouth was open in a silent scream muffled by the strong Silencing Charm set around her. Her face flushed with such passion, a look of utter rapture upon her face. I was ashamedly aroused, and rock hard before I could fully register what I was witnessing. In that moment she was no longer the swotty, Know-It-All, bookworm. She was a Goddess. I returned back to the school as ill-tempered as ever. I deducted the remaining house points from Gryffindor and threw myself into the coldest shower I could handle. When that failed, I instead focused upon you, your face and body. My elaborate fantasy unfolded before my mind's eye, and soon I was wrapped up in a vision of you flushed on top, riding my cock to oblivion. I stroked myself, all the while imagining I was burying myself inside of you. When my climax approached, it shook me to the core. At the moment of release, the woman in my fantasy was no longer you: it was her, and I was releasing myself into her so deeply I screamed. As soon as I finished I was disgusted with myself, with my lack of control and to my ever most shame – my attraction to a student.