Chapter 6: Train of Thought

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author.

A huge hug of thanks goes out to VIVAvivacious for her help as my beta.

--

The ticking sound the clock over the mantelpiece made was almost deafening in the silence of the room.

Hermione had spent a lot of time in her room that day contemplating the chain of events over the past two weeks. Her mouth filled with bitter hatred the moment she turned her thoughts to the battle in the forest. She could still hear Greyback's voice in the back of her mind, his cruel voice, forcing her against her will to do one of the worst things she had ever done. She felt her stomach turn anew when she thought of the moment he had forced his twisted, foul lips against hers, choking her with his tongue as he ravished her mouth. She had been so scared he was going to force her to have sex with him while she had been under the Imperius.

She imagined being raped in that manner might have been better than what he had forced her to do.

After she had killed Ron under his influence, she had obviously fainted. On waking up in the infirmary, she had been so confused. When her memories had been returned to her, she had been devastated beyond all reason. She was still quite devastated. It had been the most difficult fortnight of her life. She had been forced to miss Ron's funeral, stuck in the hospital wing. Her remaining friends had all but abandoned her to her fate as a Wizarding world pariah.

She felt her eyes burn with unshed tears. The hurt she felt at Harry's betrayal... she shook her head, trying to shake those thoughts out. She couldn't blame him for not really wanting to have anything to do with her. The Weasleys were the only family he had, and with his ties to them through Ginny, he could hardly choose between them. She was just one person, after all.

She blinked rapidly, clearing the tears from her eyes.

Staring down at her hands, she contemplated her magic. It was different, just like everything already was. She could feel her magic so much more than she used to be able to. Where it had once been white and clean, it was now stained dark with grey and red. She never imagined she would have blood on her hands, even if Ron hadn't even had the chance to bleed. Her soul felt older, darker, and she was consumed by her grief.

She sighed heavily. She didn't know what to do. She hated being at Hogwarts, she despised not knowing what was going on in the magical world, and she was angered by the lack of trust those in the Order were displaying towards her. She felt hate bubble up within her when she thought of Mad-Eye Moody and his open hostility. She felt confusion over Dumbledore's lack of interest in her beyond her usefulness to the Order. Now that she was a liability, she was of little importance. She saw him at dinner in the Great Hall only. Even Professor McGonagall had been strangely distant.

The only people she really had were Luna, Madam Pomfrey, and Professor Snape. Luna had been to visit her whenever she was allowed time away from working for the Quibbler. It was the only paper that had not printed horrible stories about her in it, and for that she was grateful. It hurt to have so many against her when the circumstances had hardly been her fault. She hated the idea that she always seemed like she was feeling sorry for herself.

She glanced to the stack of newspapers and magazines sitting on the coffee table along with some textbooks and her research journal. Pariah... she had gone from being the brightest witch of her generation to being practically ostracised.

She stared at one of the books in front of her and noted the werewolf that stood out on the cover.

Greyback had not been one of the Death Eaters arrested after the battle in the forest. He was still at large, running around the countryside, killing and torturing Muggles and Muggleborns alike. She frowned. How had he managed to escape capture? He was hardly a man – more beast than anything, but he was ruthless and more powerful than he had ever been given credit for. She knew – she had been on the receiving end of his vicious spells on more than one occasion. Despite the beast that was constantly in him, he was not an idiot by any stretch of the imagination. After all, he had managed to turn her into what she was now.

She wondered where the man was. How easy would it be for her to find him?

Her thoughts on Greyback were distracted when a knock sounded at the portrait entrance. She stood and went over to answer it, wondering who it could be. It wasn't Snape, as ordinarily he would come and go as he pleased. Besides, he was in the middle of teaching a class. She opened the portrait outwards and found Luna standing in the hallway with a small smile curving her mouth. Hermione's eyes widened, and she soon found herself wrapped in the arms of her friend.

Hermione felt a few tears escape from beneath her eyelids.

'Hermione!' Luna exclaimed with a soft sob. 'Oh, it's so good to see you!'

She allowed the younger witch to continue holding onto her as they entered her rooms, and the two sat down on the lounge that sat opposite to the armchair Snape occupied during his visits. The two sat together in silence for a while, staring into the fire. Hermione reached over and grasped one of Luna's hands in her own tightly, surprising the other woman by the suddenness of her action.

'How have you been, Hermione?' Luna asked, looking up into the older woman's face, noting the dark circles beneath her eyes.

'I'm fine,' she answered with a small smile that didn't reach her eyes.

Luna shook her head sadly. Her blue eyes widened when she spotted a black wand sitting on the coffee table beside Hermione's books and papers. 'That's new,' she said, nodding her head in the direction of the wand.

Hermione looked over to where Luna had indicated and nodded. 'I had to get a new wand,' she explained. 'The old one wasn't responding to my magic. It's darker than it used to be – unicorn tail hair doesn't mix well with dark magic.'

The younger woman nodded. 'I understand,' Luna said softly. 'I've missed you terribly. It has been so busy trying to run the Quibbler these days without my dad to help me.'

'I'm sorry, Luna,' Hermione said, squeezing her hand gently. 'I feel really selfish dragging you away from your work like this. You didn't have to come all this way just to see me.'

Luna shook her head adamantly. 'I don't think you're being selfish at all,' she insisted. 'You must be so lonely here. I heard that Harry and the Weasleys haven't really been by to see you. I'm a little disappointed with him, if I'm honest.'

Hermione was touched by Luna's concern. If she was honest, she felt similarly. 'This entire situation is very difficult for everyone,' she replied calmly.

'Do you want to talk about everything that has happened? I am happy to listen.'

Hermione opened her mouth to say no, but she closed it again quickly. 'There is still so much I want to do,' she whispered. 'I wanted to help the Order defeat Voldemort, I wanted to finish my Apprenticeship and gain my Masters in Arithmancy. I was supposed to have a wonderful job, and Ron and I were supposed to get married and have a family together. He proposed to me once, you know? I told him if he could wait until after I had finished school and the war was over, I would think about saying yes.'

By this point, tears were beginning to leave wet tracks down her cheeks. Hermione looked at her friend and took a deep breath to calm herself. 'I knew Ron and I would never be truly compatible, even when I promised to give him a shot,' she admitted. 'But I would do that and more if I could take back what happened that day.'

Luna pulled Hermione into a tight hug, rubbing her back soothingly as she allowed her friend to cry the hot tears that she had be holding back for Merlin knew how long. After a few minutes, the crying stopped, and Hermione pulled back from Luna, looking sheepish and sniffling. She quickly Summoned a handkerchief from the other room and dabbed at her wet face before blowing her nose noisily. The pair chuckled at this together, and Hermione realised that having Luna there was the best thing that could have possibly happened.

Luna remained with her for the rest of the day until the sun began to set in the sky.

At dinner, Hermione was feeling decidedly less sad than usual and chatted to Madam Pomfrey about the hospital wing and how she had half a dozen students in there who were all sick with the Wizard's Flu. After offering her assistance during the day, Hermione quickly finished her meal and excused herself from the table. She didn't notice the pair of black eyes that were trained on her back as she exited the Great Hall through the staff door.

Once she was safely ensconced within her room, she Summoned all her research materials to her. Her mind was quickly formulating a plan of attack as she flipped through her notebook to the page where she had jotted down a few formulas for speeding up the development time for a dark potion – the potion Snape had been working on for five years that would rend the powers from Voldemort's body permanently.

She would help Snape complete the potion, for who was she to prevent the world she lived in from being rid of a madman? She would contribute to the war effort, but she would no longer be working for the Order of the Phoenix. She hadn't thought the day would come that she would outgrow the Order and feel the need to move on, but she had arrived at that day. If they would not support and accept her, then she would not work for them. Her anger at their betrayal had driven her away, and they would have nobody to blame but themselves.

'Miss Granger?' Snape's voice rang through the room as she heard him enter her chambers through the portrait.

She walked over to him with her notes and pushed the book into his hands, pointing at the formulas. 'This was the information I found on that day,' she murmured, staring at Snape's pale hands. 'I want to help you finish that potion.'

Snape nodded. 'I appreciate this,' he replied.

Hermione looked down at the ground. 'I can't work for the Order any more, Professor,' she said as calmly as she was able.

'I understand,' he said. 'The choice is yours to make. I envy you have this choice within your grasp.'

'You never had a choice,' she stated.

Snape shook his head. 'No.'

'I am sorry it is this way, but there are things I have to do now that I can't do while I am still part of the Order,' Hermione told him. 'I may need to ask for your help in return at some point; as for now, you are one of the very few people I think I can trust.'

Snape's eyes snapped up to look at her face, shock registering on his features. 'I will not betray that trust.'

Hermione nodded. 'I know you won't, so let's go to your lab and see what we can do about my calculations,' she said, her expression flat.

Snape looked at her oddly for a moment before turning around and leading the way out of her chambers and down the hall in the direction of his office. He took down the wards on the door and entered, walking straight to the door situated behind his desk. Taking down further wards, the second door opened to reveal his pristine lab. Hermione's eyes widened as she took it in. Unlike the Potions classroom, the lab benches were new and polished. All the cauldrons on the shelf set against the far wall were clean and the various other implements shiny. The row of sinks on the adjacent wall had granite tops, and she wondered how much it would have cost.

'Let's get to work, shall we?' Snape prompted from beside her.

Hermione nodded and went to the workbench.

--

A/N – I know it's only a glimpse of the darkness within, but there will be further development.