Chapter 3

A/N: Sexual favors to everyone who reviewed/plans to review! Any song lyrics are not mine.

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Lucius threw back another three fingers of scotch, having abandoned Firewhisky after Severus had shown up in a foul mood and swept the bottle from the table. It still lay reorganized upon the rough planks of a floor that was rapidly soaking up the liquor. "Another meeting with the missus, Snape?"

The greasy git's only response was a growl and jerk of the head before he drank deeply from his glass of gin. The feeling of satisfaction that he had felt at not only besting Hermione at wordplay, but also sparking her desire for him had abated by the time he had Apparated to Hogsmeade, and he was left with nothing but the knowledge that he was too poor to be of any use to his son and too disillusioned to stay married to the woman he thought would remain with him through anything.

Severus and Hermione had married eleven years ago, right after the final battle, when nearly everyone in the Wizarding world was swept up in the glory of defeating Voldemort, and no one was giving a thought to the future. Hermione had managed to get a job with the Ministry, and Severus had found work brewing healing potions for a shop that had gone out of business when Toby was seven. Mrs. Snape had thrown her husband out the year before when it became clear that he had no intention of seeking another job.

"Hear me out, Snape," Lucius said eagerly, breaking into his cohort's mournful reverie. "All five of us owe money to someone. You more than anyone ought to be interested in this proposal. Think of it, you'd have all the money you need to keep seeing the boy."

"And for what?" Snape retorted bitterly. "He has no respect for me now; why would he have any if I were to strip down to a pair of colorful panties for a couple of Galleons?"

"Because you'd be fucking rich!" snapped Malfoy. "Think of the gold, man, the gold!"

Snape heaved a long-suffering sigh, but did indeed think of the gold. "Perhaps you're right, Malfoy. After all, there's not a job to be had this side of Ottery St. Catchpole, and the scrap marble trade is not at all sufficient. You'll have a job of it convincing the others, though."

With that, Remus, Alastor, and Hagrid appeared from beneath Moody's old Invisibility Cloak, and Moody said wryly, "Should have checked the area for possible spies, Snape. You never know who could be listening, eh?"

"I take it you've all agreed to this addlepated scheme of Malfoy's?" queried Snape drolly as he eyed the three men and their cheesy grins.

"Why the hell not?" said Remus. "We have very little dignity left to lose. Besides, if I were to do something exciting, Luna might consider moving back into my bedroom."

"I expect Dumbledore'd have summat ter say about that," Hagrid put in resolutely.

"You're right, Hagrid, we could all use the money." Alastor clapped the half-giant on the back. "So, Lucius, when should we start?"

"The sooner the better, I say." Lucius stood, tossing a handful of Knuts and Sickles onto the table. "We should get to practicing, and I have just the place to do it. Come on, then."

The other four men filed quietly from the pub and out into the cobblestone street that led straight toward...

"Hogwarts!" cried Remus in disbelief. "But what of the security guard? Didn't you have a run-in with him this past weekend?"

Snape snorted. "Only because Malfoy here was too busy with his Muggle music-box to notice a pile of stones. I'm certain Alastor will take pains to conceal us."

The five men stole across the open green, allowing Hagrid to hide himself beneath the cloak, and furtively slid into the entrance hall. Piles of rubble and cobwebs greeted them, and sleepy portraits gazed boredly at the intruders.

"Right," muttered Moody, magical eye whirling madly, ostensibly checking behind the walls, but more often than not landing on poor Remus.

"Enough already!" Lupin hissed as loudly as he ducked behind the now-visible Hagrid.

"Silence." Lucius glowered at the two men. "So, Severus, where should we go? Great Hall?"

"No, no, it's too heavily guarded," grumbled the ex-Potions master. "We'd do better to try the dungeons. My old classroom is amply large for this travesty of a dance class."

So, down the twisting stone passageways the motley band processed, deeper and deeper into the bowels of the castle until they reached the dusty old room where Snape had once held court. With a wave of each man's wand, the broken desks and chairs flew against the wall, clearing the middle of the room for the festivities.

"So... " ventured Lucius, eying the space with uncertainty, "I suppose we ought to begin. Go on, then."

Moody snorted. "You first, mate. This was your brilliant scheme."

Reluctantly, Malfoy drew the tiny pink iPod from the folds of his robes, placed it on the windowsill, pointed his wand at it, and said, "Amplius!." Immediately the snapping of the click wheel resounded through the dungeon as Malfoy agonized over a song for their first dance. At last, Lucius took the floor as the dulcet tones of Cole Porter began to fill the vast room. Sweeping an imaginary partner into his arms, the former aristocrat began to glide over the stone floor, giving his limbs an almost boneless quality.

The roars of laughter from his comrades interrupted his daydream, and Severus was the first to say, "Yes, we'll be rich as King Arthur if we do that in g-strings."

"I expect Dumbledore'd have summat ter say about that," said Hagrid nervously.

"Haven't you got something we could really move to?" complained Lupin. "If we're all going to throw away the remaining shreds of our dignity, we might as well have a decent dance while doing it."

Glowering, more with embarrassment than ire, Malfoy sighed and turned back to his trusty iPod and guiltily made a selection from his "Top 25 Most Played" list.

Dashing back to the center of the room, Lucius threw his arms into the air and thrust out his narrow hips.

I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing, you...

As the beat grew stronger, Malfoy's gyrations gathered steam, until the aristocrat's whole body was undulating wildly in time to the music.

I believe in miracles, since you came along, you sexy thing, you sexy thing, you...

His pale fingers grasped the lapels of his dusty black robe. Shoulders twisting, he began to peel back the folds of fabric, staring down his cohorts with a heavy-lidded, come-hither stare.

Where did you come from, baby? How did you know I needed you?

The rhythm had gotten the better of Hagrid, who was awkwardly nodding his head on the off-beats. Remus managed a few pelvic thrusts, which sent Moody's eye a-whirling, but Snape merely looked on in disgust. "Silencio!" He aimed his wand at the offending Muggle device.

Lucius toppled over in mid-booty-shake, landing on the cold stone floor in a blushing, bare-chested heap, and Lupin's hand froze in the attempt to rip off the duct tape holding his robes together.

"Ah, yes, I can just smell the Galleons," announced Snape sardonically. "That performance will be sure to draw witches from as far as Durmstrang."

Springing to his feet, Lucius made a quick scramble for his robe before he burst out: "It was our first bloody try! I rather think we're in with a chance. Come on; just get in the middle of the floor here. Line up... no, Hagrid in the middle there, Severus and me beside him, Lupin and Mad-Eye, on the outsides. Now, start again." He waved his wand at the iPod.

Now you're lyin' close to me, givin' it to me! It's sexstasy!

Hagrid stood still as a gargoyle with stage fright. Remus and Snape turned in opposite directions and ended in a tangled heap. Lucius and Alastor made the mistake of executing simultaneous pelvic thrusts, and Alastor toppled over at the vigor of Lucius' crotch connecting with his ass.

Snape's muffled voice came from the bottom of the pile at Hagrid's massive feet: "You know, Malfoy, this may not be the solution you're looking for."

"Perhaps so," Lucius finally conceded. "Those blokes in the Three Broomsticks made it seem so easy. I just figured if that lot could get that easy money, then why not us?"

"You know," Lupin began timidly, "the Runespoors are a professional exotic dancing group. They've a choreographer and everything. Those are bloody expensive, too. When Luna was dancing at the Horny Horklump down in Knockturn Alley, they had a bloke come in every week to teach them new dances. Routines, they called them."

"How much was this choreographer?" asked Moody apprehensively.

"I think she said about fifty Galleons a week," he answered dejectedly.

This was met with gasps of outrage and dismay from all the others, and Hagrid cried out, "I expect Dumbledore'd have summat ter say about that!"

"That's it!" cried Lucius triumphantly. "Dumbledore!"

"Have you gone completely round the bend, Malfoy?" complained Snape. "In case you haven't gotten the memo, I murdered him twelve years ago. Besides, dead or alive, I hardly think he's the type to know how to choreograph semi-nude dances."

Lupin scoffed. "As much as I hate to admit it, I think Lucius has a point. When Albus was alive, anytime anyone had a problem, the man always seemed to have the perfect solution and know the exact way to implement it. He succeeded in getting Severus and Hermione together on at least one thousand, seven hundred and ten occasions, his portrait told Harry exactly where all the missing Horcruxes were, not to mention giving everyone explicit instructions for the final battle. If anyone could solve all of our problems for us, it would have been Dumbledore."

"His portrait?" queried Snape with significance, for he was just as interested in getting gold as anyone, no matter how odious the task. "Do you know it still hangs in his office? We ought to steal up there and ask his advice on... "

Before he could finish, however, the cracking voice of Stan Shunpike filled the corridor, and his footsteps drew nearer to the old Potions classroom.

"Blast," growled Snape in irritation, "it's the bloody deus ex machina." He gestured to his comrades, and they followed him toward the former office of the Potions master and dashed behind him through the twisting passageways that led to the greenhouses and out of Hogwarts.