Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven:

I'm not J.K. Rowling.

Many, many thanks to Dark Beta and notsosaintly!

The author wishes to apologize for the complete lack of A. A. Milne quotes (or any decent substitutes) in this chapter. Nothing fit – nothing. I'm disillusioned. Life has ceased to be worth... oh, forget this nonsense. On with the chapter!

SUMMARY: An old-fashioned word for "pages" is "leaves." Harry's talents are beginning to blossom, and he's ready to strike at the root of evil. So, plant yourself in a chair, and listen. Pomona's reading.

Scene: The next day. The kids are in the corridor near the entrance to the Hufflepuff common room. While the others wait the required ten paces back, Pomona and Xiomara come up to a suit of armor on a short dais set against the wall.

Pomona: Badger, badger, badger.

(The visor opens and a deep hollow voice booms out from the suit.)

Armor: MUSHROOM! ^*1

(A panel of the wall – with the dais and armor attached to it – slides aside to reveal the entrance to the Hufflepuff common room. The other kids come forward.)

Xiomara: Thanks. Now, please stay open long enough for our friends to come in.

(Robert, Filius and Minerva enter. As Alastor starts to follow, the armor suddenly bellows...)

Armor: A SNAKE! A SNAKE! AAAHHHHH!

Pomona: Oh, calm down. He's with us.

Xiomara: Honestly, we went through this last time!

(They head into the Hufflepuff common room and sit down.)

Minerva: Well, what first? Potions, Transfiguration, or Defense?

Pomona: What about "The Near Future of the Wizarding World"?

Filius: There's no such... oh, I see. Who's got it? I know I don't.

Alastor: (As if exposing suspicious behavior) I saw Robbie give it to Mona, yesterday.

Xiomara: Not touching that... not touching that!

Robert: Oooh! Nothing gets past you, Al!

(Pomona pulls the book out of her bag and opens it.)

Pomona: Chapter Eleven: Quidditch

As they entered November, the weather turned very cold. The mountains around the school became icy gray and the lake like chilled steel.

Filius: In appearance, or texture?

Minerva: If it's frozen, both.

Every morning the ground was covered in frost. Hagrid could be seen from the upstairs windows defrosting broomsticks on the Quidditch field, bundled up in a long moleskin overcoat, rabbit fur gloves, and enormous beaverskin boots.

Xiomara: They would have to have been "dam" big beavers!

(Moment of silence)

Filius: (Carefully) Was that a pun, Xia?

Xiomara: I'll leave it to you to decide.

Pomona: Come to think of it, you'd need a pretty big mole, too.

Filius: Or lots of them.

Robert: Well, one of my cousins on the McPhee side has a pretty big one.

Minerva: Er, different kind of mole, I think, Robbie.

The Quidditch season had begun. On Saturday, Harry would be playing in his first match after weeks of training: Gryffindor versus Slytherin. If Gryffindor won, they would move up into second place in the House championship.

Alastor: By cheating!

Minerva: (Gives him a Look.)

Hardly anyone had seen Harry play because Wood had decided that, as their secret weapon, Harry should be kept, well, secret.

Xiomara: Interesting concept.

But the news that he was playing Seeker had leaked out somehow,

Alastor: I wouldn't let those twins in on anything I wanted to keep under wraps!

Pomona: Oh, I don't know. They say, "Three can keep a secret, if two are red."

Alastor: That's "dead", Mona.

Pomona: Oh. Right.

and Harry didn't know which was worse – people telling him he'd be brilliant or people telling him they'd be running around underneath him holding a mattress.

Xiomara: I'd go for the mattress, myself.

Robert: We know.

Xiomara: No, I meant... ah, very good. I'll get you for that.

Filius: May I watch?

It was really lucky that Harry now had Hermione as a friend. He didn't know how he'd have gotten through all his homework without her, what with all the last-minute Quidditch practice Wood was making them do. She had also lent him Quidditch through the Ages, which turned out to be a very interesting read.

Pomona: Well, if you like Quidditch, I suppose.

Xiomara: (Sincerely shocked) Mona!

Pomona: Gotcha!

Harry learned that there were seven hundred ways of committing a Quidditch foul

Robert/Minerva: DUCK!

and that all of them had happened during a World Cup match in 1473; that Seekers were usually the smallest and fastest players,

Xiomara: Not much bigger than the Snitch. Cuts down on air resistance.

Pomona: Flit, have you ever thought of playing Seeker?

Filius: No, thanks! Any time I get near a Quidditch pitch, someone tries to use me as a Quaffle!

and that most serious Quidditch accidents seemed to happen to them; that although people rarely died playing Quidditch, referees had been known to vanish and turn up months later in the Sahara Desert.

Minerva: The referee at last Saturday's game needed to dry out.

Robert: But not quite so literally, Minna.

Hermione had become a bit more relaxed about breaking rules since Harry and Ron had saved her from the mountain troll, and she was much nicer for it.

Robert: Reminds me of someone we know.

Alastor: Breaking rules leading to social acceptance... is this a lesson we really want to teach?

The day before Harry's first Quidditch match the three of them were out in the freezing courtyard during break, and she had conjured them up a bright blue fire that could be carried around in a jam jar.

Filius: I hope that jar is heat-proof!

They were standing with their backs to it, getting warm,

Xiomara: ... when suddenly, they all three realized their robes were on fire.

when Snape crossed the yard.

Xiomara: So they set him on fire, too!

Harry noticed at once that Snape was limping.

Pomona: And suspected, at once, that his Potions master had been moonlighting as a dance hall host!

Others: "Huh?" "A what?" (etc.)

Pomona: Must be a Muggle thing.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione moved closer together to block the fire from view; they were sure it wouldn't be allowed.

Unfortunately, something about their guilty faces caught Snape's eye.

Alastor: They'd have done better to just stay still. And there's a trick to sort of – thinking yourself inconspicuous, but it's probably beyond a first year.

Minerva: Have you met some of the first years this year?!

He limped over. He hadn't seen the fire, but he seemed to be looking for a reason to tell them off anyway.

Xiomara: Why am I not surprised?

"What's that you've got there, Potter?"

Minerva: And did you bring enough for everyone?

It was Quidditch Through the Ages. Harry showed him.

"Library books are not to be taken outside the school,"

Minerva: What??

said Snape. "Give it to me. Five points from Gryffindor."

Minerva: That's never been a rule. What is he on about?

"He's just made that rule up," Harry muttered angrily as Snape limped away. "Wonder what's wrong with his leg?"

Xiomara: Obviously, he hurt himself pulling that rule out of his...

(Pomona puts her hand over Xiomara's mouth.)

Pomona: Ouch! (Shakes her hand. Xiomara grins, toothily.)

"Dunno, but I hope it's really hurting him," said Ron bitterly.

Xiomara: What I said.

The Gryffindor common room was very noisy that evening. Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat together next to a window.

Alastor: Always have an eye on the exit.

Minerva: Do you know how far above the ground that window is?

Robert: And first years haven't learned self-levitation, yet!

Hermione was checking Harry and Ron's Charms homework for them. She would never let them copy ("How will you learn?"), but by asking her to read it through, they got the right answers anyway.

Minerva: That's only useful if she makes sure they understand why it's the right answer.

Harry felt restless.

Minerva: As he realizes that he's not learning material that he'll need later on.

Robert: Somehow, I doubt it.

He wanted Quidditch Through the Ages back, to take his mind off his nerves about tomorrow. Why should he be afraid of Snape?

Alastor: He's a full-grown wizard, he hates you unreasonably, and he's probably in with this Moldy-fellow.

Pomona: Not to mention that grades on a curve?

Robert: But Harry defeated Moldy-Wart! A mere minion should hold no terrors for him.

Minerva: And he's a Gryffindor!

Pomona: Oh, well, in that case...

Getting up, he told Ron and Hermione he was going to ask Snape if he could have it.

Alastor: Oh, he'll let you have it, all right!

"Better you than me," they said together, but Harry had an idea that Snape wouldn't refuse if there were other teachers listening.

Alastor: A budding political strategist!

He made his way down to the staffroom and knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again. Nothing.

Perhaps Snape had left the book in there? It was worth a try.

Alastor: Thief!

Robert: Hey, it's Harry's book. He's just stealing it back.

Filius: Actually, it belongs to the library.

Minerva: Books belong to the world!

He pushed the door ajar and peered inside – and a horrible scene met his eyes.

Snape and Filch were inside, alone.

Xiomara: Um...

Snape was holding his robes above his knees.

Xiomara: WHOO!

One of his legs was bloody and mangled. Filch was handing Snape bandages.

Xiomara: So they like it rough, do they?

Minerva: Enough, Xia!

"Blasted thing," Snape was saying. "How are you supposed to keep your eyes on all three heads at once?"

Alastor: And if you try to make something out of that, Xia, get used to looking over your shoulder.

Xiomara: What, all six shoulders at once?

Harry tried to shut the door quietly, but –

"POTTER!"

Snape's face was twisted with fury as he dropped his robes quickly to hide his leg. Harry gulped.

"I just wondered if I could have my book back."

"GET OUT! OUT!"

Pomona: Damned spot!

Filius: Ah! Now there's a Muggle reference I understand!

Harry left, before Snape could take any more points from Gryffindor. He sprinted back upstairs.

Robert: Legged it, in fact.

"Did you get it?" Ron asked as Harry joined them. "What's the matter?" In a low whisper, Harry told them what he'd seen.

"You know what this means?" he finished breathlessly.

Filius: Yes! Having seen Snape's bare leg, you are now going to have to marry him!

All: Yeeagh!!!

"He tried to get past that three-headed dog at Halloween! That's where he was going when we saw him – he's after whatever it's guarding! And I'd bet my broomstick he let that troll in, to make a diversion!"

Robert: No, it's just that his cousin always wanted to go to Hogwarts so he thought maybe he could sneak him in.

Xiomara: And never bet your broomstick, Harry! Even a "sure thing" can turn around and bite you on the bristles!

Hermione's eyes were wide.

"No – he wouldn't," she said. "I know he's not very nice, but he wouldn't try to steal something Dumbledore was keeping safe."

"Honestly, Hermione, you think all teachers are saints or something," snapped Ron.

Filius: Well, I intend to be!

"I'm with Harry. I wouldn't put anything past Snape. But what's he after? What's that dog guarding?"

Minerva: This is just a guess, but... the Philosopher's Stone?

Pomona: No, the Sorcerer's Stone.

Minerva: Which is the same thing.

Robert: Not that I've met many Sorcerers with a philosophical bent.

Harry went to bed with his head buzzing with the same question. Neville was snoring loudly, but Harry couldn't sleep.

Alastor: ...because of Neville's snoring.

He tried to empty his mind – he needed to sleep, he had to, he had his first Quidditch match in a few hours – but the expression on Snape's face when Harry had seen his leg wasn't easy to forget.

Pomona: Focus on the face, Harry. It'll help keep your mind off the sight of his leg! Now that's what I call traumatic!

The next morning dawned very bright and cold. The Great Hall was full of the delicious smell of fried sausages

Pomona: They're making me hungry for breakfast!

Minerva: At three-thirty in the afternoon?

Alastor: You should never seek to know how laws or sausages are made.

Filius: (As ominously as possible in his high little voice) Sausages: The Darkest Art of All!

(General laughter)

and the cheerful chatter of everyone looking forward to a good Quidditch match.

"You've got to eat some breakfast."

Pomona: Most important meal of the day!

"I don't want anything."

Pomona: He's mad!

"Just a bit of toast," wheedled Hermione.

"I'm not hungry."

Harry felt terrible. In an hour's time he'd be walking onto the field.

Xiomara: That should make you feel wonderful!

Minerva: Before his very first match, Xia?

"Harry, you need your strength," said Seamus Finnigan. "Seekers are always the ones who get clobbered by the other team."

Xiomara: Which makes having a full stomach a tricky proposition.

"Thanks, Seamus," said Harry, watching Seamus pile ketchup on his sausages.

By eleven o'clock the whole school seemed to be out in the stands around the Quidditch field. Many students had binoculars. The seats might be raised high in the air, but it was still difficult to see what was going on sometimes.

Ron and Hermione joined Neville, Seamus, and Dean the West Ham fan

Robert: It'd be more euphonious if his name were "Dan".

up in the top row. As a surprise for Harry, they had painted a large banner on one of the sheets Scabbers had ruined. It said Potter for President,

Filius: President?

Pomona: It's what the Americans have instead of a Prime Minister.

Minerva: How did the Americans get into this?

Pomona: Don't ask me. Ask the author.

and Dean, who was good at drawing, had done a large Gryffindor lion underneath. Then Hermione had performed a tricky little charm so that the paint flashed different colors.

Xiomara: The puce and olive-green version was particularly striking.

Filius: (shudders)

Meanwhile, in the locker room, Harry and the rest of the team were changing into their scarlet Quidditch robes (Slytherin would be playing in green).

Alastor: Does this really need to be said?

Wood cleared his throat for silence.

"Okay, men," he said.

"And women," said Chaser Angelina Johnson.

Robert: And undecideds.

Xiomara: There has never been a Zabini on any Quidditch team at Hogwarts. ^*2

"And women," Wood agreed. "This is it."

"The big one," said Fred Weasley.

"The one we've all been waiting for," said George.

Xiomara: This early in the year?

"We know Oliver's speech by heart," Fred told Harry, "we were on the team last year."

Xiomara: If the team captain's not much for new plans, maybe that explains their losing streak.

"Shut up, you two," said Wood. "This is the best team Gryffindor's had in years.

Xiomara: Without me on it? Impossible!

(General response of "Hear! Hear!" and "Absolutely!" etc.)

We're going to win. I know it."

He glared at them all as if to say, "Or else."

Filius: Ah, the Incentive System.

"Right. It's time. Good luck, all of you."

Alastor: Against Slytherin, you'll need it!

Harry followed Fred and George out of the locker room and, hoping his knees weren't going to give way, walked onto the field to loud cheers.

Madam Hooch was refereeing. She stood in the middle of the field waiting for the two teams, her broom in her hand.

Pomona: ...and she was the best darned referee of her generation!

Xiomara: Thank you!

"Now, I want a nice fair game, all of you," she said, once they were all gathered around her. Harry noticed that she seemed to be speaking particularly to the Slytherin Captain, Marcus Flint, a fifth year. Harry thought Flint looked as if he had some troll blood in him.

Minerva: That's impossible! Humans and trolls can't inter-breed, even with magic!

Robert: Well, then, Snape's cousin must be adopted.

Minerva: Or Snape, himself, is. A Trollish upbringing could explain a lot.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw the fluttering banner high above, flashing Potter for President over the crowd. His heart skipped.

Robert: And danced.

Filius: And did cartwheels!

He felt braver.

"Mount your brooms, please."

Harry clambered onto his Nimbus Two Thousand.

Madam Hooch gave a loud blast on her silver whistle.

Robert: We can be fairly sure she's not a werewolf, then.

Alastor: If it's real silver. I wouldn't trust it without checking.

Xiomara: I'm still right here, you know.

Alastor: And is there anything you'd like to tell us?

Xiomara: (winks) Meet me in the Astronomy Tower next full moon and we'll talk.

Alastor: Talk – that's good. But no snarling, growling, howling, ripping, tearing...

Fifteen brooms rose up, high, high into the air. They were off.

"And the Quaffle is taken immediately by Angelina Johnson of Gryffindor – what an excellent Chaser that girl is, and rather attractive, too – "

"JORDAN!"

Minerva: There's a time and a place...

Robert: There's a brave man!

"Sorry, Professor."

The Weasley twins' friend, Lee Jordan, was doing the commentary for the match, closely watched by Professor McGonagall.

Alastor: Isn't he the one with the dreaded locks?

Pomona: Dread locks, Al.

Alastor: Still, could be related to a gorgon... on his mother's side, of course.

Xiomara: Not touching that!

"And she's really belting along up there, a neat pass to Alicia Spinnet, a good find of Oliver Wood's, last year only a reserve – back to Johnson and – no, the Slytherins have taken the Quaffle, Slytherin Captain Marcus Flint gains the Quaffle and off he goes – Flint flying like an eagle up there –

Filius: Going in circles and starting at the ground?

Robert: Watching for rats?

he's going to sc – no, stopped by an excellent move by Gryffindor Keeper Wood and the Gryffindors take the Quaffle – that's Chaser Katie Bell of Gryffindor there, nice dive around Flint, off up the field and – OUCH – that must have hurt, hit in the back of the head by a Bludger –

Pomona: Has anyone ever had permanent brain damage from playing Quidditch?

Robert: Well, a fair number of players go into politics when they retire.

Pomona: (absently) Say, does anyone feeling like making a pan of fudge?

Quaffle taken by the Slytherins – that's Adrian Pucey speeding off toward the goal posts, but he's blocked by a second Bludger – sent his way by Fred or George Weasley, can't tell which –

Minerva: Can anyone?

nice play by the Gryffindor Beater, anyway, and Johnson back in possession of the Quaffle, a clear field ahead and off she goes – she's really flying – dodges a speeding Bludger – the goal posts are ahead – come on, now, Angelina – Keeper Bletchley dives – misses – GRYFFINDORS SCORE!"

Robert: Say, Minna... ?

Minerva: Yes?

Robert: Never mind.

Gryffindor cheers filled the cold air, with howls and moans from the Slytherins.

Xiomara: What, no werewolf comments? They are howling, you know.

Alastor: What, no raunchy innuendo? They are moaning, you know.

"Budge up there, move along."

"Hagrid!"

Robert: And when he says "budge up" you'd better budge up!

Ron and Hermione squeezed together to give Hagrid enough space to join them.

Filius: Alas, they'd hoped to have the entire bench to themselves.

"Bin watchin' from me hut," said Hagrid, parting a large pair of binoculars around his neck, "But it isn't the same as bein' in the crowd.

Filius: No indeed! No chance of going deaf and you won't get butterbeer spilled on you either.

No sign of the Snitch yet, eh?"

"Nope," said Ron. "Harry hasn't had much to do yet."

"Kept outta trouble, though, that's somethin'," said Hagrid, raising his binoculars and peering skyward at the speck that was Harry.

Filius: Keeping out of trouble seems to be a full-time occupation for this boy.

Xiomara: And he's been slacking off on the job!

Way up above them, Harry was gliding over the game, squinting about for some sign of the Snitch. This was part of his and Wood's game plan.

"Keep out of the way until you catch sight of the Snitch," Wood had said. "We don't want you attacked before you have to be."

Alastor: Too bad no one told that to Volde-whatsit.

When Angelina had scored, Harry had done a couple of loop-the-loops to let off his feelings. Now he was back to staring around for the Snitch. Once he caught sight of a flash of gold, but it was just a reflection from one of the Weasleys' wristwatches,

Robert: A Weasley wearing a gold wristwatch? I thought they were poor?

Filius: Put a Glamour on it, maybe?

and once a Bludger decided to come pelting his way, more like a cannonball than anything, but Harry dodged it and Fred Weasley came chasing after it.

"All right there, Harry?" he had time to yell, as he beat the Bludger furiously toward Marcus Flint.

Xiomara: (as Harry) What? Don't I look all right?

"Slytherin in possession," Lee Jordan was saying, "Chaser Pucey ducks two bludgers, two Weasleys,

Pomona: And a partridge in a pear tree!

and Chaser Bell,

Pomona: I stand corrected.

and speeds toward the – wait a moment – was that the Snitch?"

A murmur ran through the crowd as Adrian Pucey dropped the Quaffle, too busy looking over his shoulder at the flash of gold that had passed his left ear.

Pomona: A Weasley wrist-watch?

Filius: Time flies.

Harry saw it. In a great rush of excitement he dived downward after the streak of gold. Slytherin Seeker Terence Higgs had seen it, too. Neck and neck they hurtled toward the Snitch – all the Chasers seemed to have forgotten what they were supposed to be doing as they hung in midair to watch.

Alastor: They're jeopardizing the whole mission... er, game!

Harry was faster than Higgs – he could see the little round ball, wings fluttering, darting up ahead – he put on an extra spurt of speed –

WHAM! A roar of rage echoed from the Gryffindors below – Marcus Flint had blocked Harry on purpose, and Harry's broom spun off course, Harry holding on for dear life.

Alastor: (Indignant) That's the sort of thing that gives all of Slytherin a bad name!

"Foul!" screamed the Gryffindors.

Alastor: Damn right, foul!

Madam Hooch spoke angrily to Flint and then ordered a free shot at the goal posts for Gryffindor. But in all the confusion, of course, the Golden Snitch had disappeared from sight again.

Down in the stands, Dean Thomas was yelling, "Send him off, ref! Red card!"

Filius: Red card?

Pomona: Some kind of soccer reference, I think. I've never paid that much attention to sports. I get all the exercise I need, fighting carnivorous weeds.

Xiomara: Not all the exercise you'd need if you were on the team.

Pomona: Watch it!

"What are you talking about, Dean?" said Ron.

"Red card!" said Dean furiously. "In soccer you get shown the red card and you're out of the game!"

Pomona: There you go.

"But this isn't soccer, Dean," Ron reminded him.

Hagrid, however was on Dean's side.

"They oughta change the rules. Flint coulda knocked Harry outta the air."

Xiomara: Or knocked the air out of Harry!

Filius: Hry. Interesting name.

Others: Huh?

Filius: Well, if you take the "air" out of "Harry"...

Others: (Look around for things to throw at him.)

Lee Jordan was finding it difficult not to take sides.

"So – after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating – "

"Jordan!" growled Professor McGonagall.

Minerva: Well, it sounded pretty good to me!

"I mean, after that open and revolting foul – "

Pomona: THE FOWL ARE REVOLTING!

Filius: CHICKENS OF THE WORLD, UNITE! YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE, BUT YOUR STUFFING!

"Jordan, I'm warning you – "

Robert: And trust me, when she warns you, you stay warned!

"All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I'm sure,

Alastor: You'd be surprised...

so a penalty to Gryffindor, taken by Spinnet, who puts it away, no trouble, and we continue play, Gryffindor still in possession."

It was as Harry dodged another Bludger, which went spinning dangerously past his head, that it happened. His broom gave a sudden, frightening lurch.

Xiomara: And doesn't that line just sit up and beg for a double entendre

Alastor: But only a chap could do it justice, lassie.

Xiomara: Okay, all kidding aside, when your, um, broom gives a sudden lurch, is it frightening?

Pomona: Xia!

Alastor/Robert/Filius: Frequently!

Robert: Especially when you're standing up and speaking in class!

Filius: There's a reason I carry a large textbook around with me, and it's not just because I'm a Ravenclaw!

For a split second, he thought he was going to fall. He gripped the broom tightly with both his hands and knees.

Robert: ...which you can't do when you're standing up, speaking in class.

Minerva: Well, you could, but I hate to think how many points you'd lose!

Xiomara: You'd have everyone's attention, though.

He'd never felt anything like that.

Pomona: Don't, Xia!

It happened again. It was as though the broom was trying to buck him off. But Nimbus Two Thousands did not suddenly decide to buck their riders off.

Xiomara: ...though some riders must tempt them.

Harry tried to turn back toward the Gryffindor goal posts – he had half a mind to ask Wood to call time-out – and then he realized his broom was completely out of his control. He couldn't turn it. He couldn't direct it at all. It was zigzagging through the air, and every now and then making violent swishing movements that almost unseated him.

Xiomara: You don't think the broom's a bit bent?

Lee was still commentating.

"Slytherin in possession –

Minerva: Slytherins are possessed?

Alastor: Watch it.

Flint with the Quaffle – passes Spinnet – passes Bell – hit hard in the face by a Bludger, hope it broke his nose – only joking, Professor – Slytherins score – oh no..."

Xiomara: "Oh no?" Another example of "not taking sides."

Pomona: They really shouldn't let someone commentate whose House is playing.

The Slytherins were cheering. No one seemed to have noticed that Harry's broom was behaving strangely. It was carrying him slowly higher, away from the game, jerking and twitching as it went.

"Dunno what Harry thinks he's doing," Hagrid mumbled.

Minerva: Well, I'm glad someone's noticed!

He stared through his binoculars. "If I didn' know better, I'd say he'd lost control of his broom...but he can't have..."

Minerva: Exactly why not? The Hereditary Potter Sense of Quidditch?

Pomona: And brooms do go wrong sometimes.

Xiomara: There are no bad brooms, only bad riders.

Alastor: You can do things to brooms with Dark Magic, though.

Suddenly, people were pointing up at Harry all over the stands. His broom had started to roll over and over, with him only just managing to hold on.

Filius: Roll over! Sit! Stay!

Then the whole crowd gasped. Harry's broom had given a wild jerk and Harry swung off it. He was now dangling from it, holding on with only one hand.

Pomona: (closes her eyes and repeats through gritted teeth) It's only a story. It's only a story...

"Did something happen to it when Flint blocked him?" Seamus whispered.

"Can't have," Hagrid said, his voice shaking. "Can't nothing interfere with a broomstick except powerful Dark magic – no kid could do that to a Nimbus Two Thousand."

Alastor: Ah-hah! About time that Voldie person showed his hand!

Xiomara: Let's hope that's all he shows!

Pomona: Bleagh!

At these words, Hermione seized Hagrid's binoculars, but instead of looking up at Harry, she started looking frantically at the crowd.

Alastor: Gets right to the heart of the problem. Good instincts, that girl!

"What are you doing?" moaned Ron, gray-faced.

Filius: Hmm, gray and flaming orange... not the best combination but it doesn't actually clash...

"I knew it," Hermione gasped, "Snape – look."

Ron grabbed the binoculars. Snape was in the middle of the stands opposite them. He had his eyes fixed on Harry and was muttering nonstop under his breath.

"He's doing something – jinxing the broom," said Hermione.

Filius: Rather a leap of logic, there.

"What should we do?"

Pomona: (sings) When in trouble,

Filius: (sings) When in trouble,

Pomona: (still singing) When in doubt,

Filius: (following right along) When in doubt,

Pomona: Run around in circles,

Filius: Run around in circles,

Pomona: Scream and shout!

Filius: Scream and shout!

Robert (to Minerva): And they say we're strange!

"Leave it to me."

Before Ron could say another word, Hermione had disappeared.

Pomona: Poof!

Ron turned the binoculars back on Harry. His broom was vibrating so hard, it was almost impossible for him to hang on much longer. The whole crowd was on its feet, watching, terrified, as the Weasleys flew up to try and pull Harry safely onto one of their brooms, but it was no good – every time they got near him, the broom would jump higher still.

Xiomara: Catch me if you can!

They dropped lower and circled beneath him, obviously hoping to catch him if he fell.

Minerva: Where's that mattress, now that he needs it?

Marcus Flint seized the Quaffle and scored five times without anyone noticing.

Alastor: A bit dirty, but effective. Not actually cheating – unlike some of his other stunts.

"Come on, Hermione," Ron muttered desperately.

Hermione had fought her way across to the stand where Snape stood, and was now racing along the row behind him; she didn't even stop to say sorry as she knocked Professor Quirrell headfirst into the row in front.

Minerva: Rude, but I guess in the circumstances...

Reaching Snape, she crouched down, pulled out her wand, and whispered a few, well-chosen words. Bright blue flames shot from her wand onto the hem of Snape's robes.

Xiomara: See? I knew they'd set him on fire sooner or later!

It took perhaps thirty seconds for Snape to realize that he was on fire.

Pomona: ... and get out his bag of marshmallows.

Xiomara: *cough*foodonthebrain*cough*.

Pomona: I heard that.

A sudden yelp told her she had done her job. Scooping the fire off him into a little jar in her pocket,

Minerva: Now there's a practical girl! I always carry at least one extra jar for emergencies. I always have a piece of string, too. ^*3

Pomona: I wonder if that's the same jar of fire the kids were keeping warm with, earlier?

she scrambled back along the row – Snape would never know what had happened.

Alastor: ...until a few years later, when he read a certain book...

It was enough. Up in the air, Harry was suddenly able to clamber back on to his broom.

All: (Cheers)

Xiomara: Sounds as if he's mastered the one-handed midair remount! Not bad for a first year!

"Neville, you can look!" Ron said. Neville had been sobbing into Hagrid's jacket for the last five minutes.

Robert: Harry saved Neville's Remembrall and made a friend for life.

Alastor: Not a very useful one, though.

Harry was speeding toward the ground when the crowd saw him clap his hand to his mouth as though he was about to be sick –

Xiomara: I knew he shouldn't have had breakfast!

he hit the field on all fours – coughed – and something gold fell into his hand.

Alastor: Gold? What did he end up eating for breakfast?

Pomona: You don't suppose that, somehow, Harry is a Philosopher's Stone, himself, do you?

"I've got the Snitch!" he shouted, waving it above his head, and the game ended in complete confusion.

"He didn't catch it, he nearly swallowed it," Flint was still howling twenty minutes later,

Robert: Flint is a werewolf too?

but it made no difference – Harry hadn't broken any rules and Lee Jordan was still happily shouting the results – Gryffindor had won by one hundred and seventy points to sixty. Harry heard none of this, though. He was being made a cup of strong tea back in Hagrid's hut, with Ron and Hermione.

Minerva: Strong tea on an empty stomach? I hope Hagrid puts a lot of milk and sugar in that!

"It was Snape," Ron was explaining, "Hermione and I saw him. He was cursing your broomstick, muttering, he wouldn't take his eyes off you."

"Rubbish," said Hagrid, who hadn't heard a word of what had gone on next to him in the stands.

Filius: You'd think with ears that size...

Minerva: Well, that's the problem. We all sound like midges to a giant.

"Why would Snape do somethin' like that?"

Xiomara: Decrease the overpopulation in the classrooms?

Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at one another, wondering what to tell him. Harry decided on the truth.

Alastor: He is so young!

"I found out something about him," he told Hagrid. "He tried to get past that three-headed dog on Halloween. It bit him. We think he was trying to steal whatever it's guarding."

Hagrid dropped the teapot.

All: (in unison) CRASH!

"How do you know about Fluffy?" he said.

All: Fluffy?

"Fluffy?"

"Yeah – he's mine – bought him off a Greek chappie I met in the pub las' year –

Minerva: Considering Cerberuses are usually used to guard the world of the Dead, I'd have a few questions about that "Chappie" if I were Hagrid!

Alastor: Now you're catching on, lassie. Trust No One!

I lent him to Dumbledore to guard the – "

"Yes?" said Harry eagerly.

"Now, don't ask me anymore," said Hagrid gruffly. "That's top secret, that is."

Pomona: Is there such a thing as bottom secret?

Xiomara: Oh, what I could do with that!

"But Snape's trying to steal it."

"Rubbish," said Hagrid again. "Snape's a Hogwarts teacher, he'd do nothin' of the sort."

Robert: No point to it. Hogwarts pays quite well.

"So why did he just try and kill Harry?" cried Hermione.

Minerva: His homework was late again?

The afternoon's events certainly seemed to have changed her mind about Snape.

"I know a jinx when I see one, Hagrid, I've read all about them!

Robert: Why am I not surprised?

You've got to keep eye contact, and Snape wasn't blinking at all, I saw him!"

Minerva: Serpents don't. I thought we'd already established that.

"I'm tellin' yeh, yer wrong!" said Hagrid hotly. "I don' know why Harry's broom acted like that, but Snape wouldn' try an' kill a student! Now, listen to me, all three of yeh – yer meddlin' in things that don' concern yeh.

Pomona: Um... since Harry was nearly killed a couple of hours ago, I think that does concern them.

It's dangerous. You forget that dog, an' you forget what it's guardin', that's between Professor Dumbledore an' Nicolas Flamel – "

Minerva: Aha!

"Aha!" said Harry, "so there's someone called Nicolas Flamel involved, is there?"

Minerva: Well, if we had any doubts left about what the little package was...

Hagrid looked furious with himself.

Alastor: He should!

(Pause)

Filius: Well, don't leave us in suspense, Mona! Read on!

Pomona: I can't. Well, I could, but that was the end of the chapter.

Filius: Really? That's a bit abrupt.

Alastor: No point in wasting words. Say what you mean to say, and then stop.

Minerva: Well, in that case, I guess we should start our homework.

(With general sighs, and grumbling, they open their text books.)

^*1 If you don't get it, click the link and watch the meme.

http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/

^*2 Yes, I know, but it took us six books to find out for sure.

^*3 Once again, if you don't get the reference, read "Wee Free Men" by Terry Pratchett.