Chapter Two

Chapter Two:

Disclaimer: Everything I said in the Chapter One Disclaimer still applies:

(Minerva hands around the cups of tea to general comments of thanks. Alastor sniffs his suspiciously.)

Minerva: All right, now we find out if it's possible.

Pomona: If what's possible?

Robert: To sip tea through pursed lips, remember?

(Minerva purses her lips in a pretty good show of sour disapproval, and then tries to sip her tea. The others can't resist following suit.)

Minerva: OW!

Robert: (SLUURRRPP!!)

Alastor: Merlin's Beard, McGonagall, they must have heard that all the way to Hogsmeade!

Xiomara: Well, you can't say he's doing anything secretively!

(This causes Filius and Pomona to laugh so hard that hot tea comes out both their noses.)

Filius/Pomona: OW!

Minerva: Morgan's Wand, are you two all right?!

Filius: I think so, but breathing is going to be an interesting proposition for a day or two.

Pomona: Guys, if I ever try that again, promise you'll put the body bind on me until I come to my senses!

Alastor: Right. I think we've worked out that it can be done - if you like living dangerously.

Xiomara: If everyone's ok, is anyone up for another chapter? (General murmurs of agreement.)

Filius: Er, I'd just as soon not talk much for a bit. Would someone else like to take a turn? (Minerva settles her teacup on a side table and takes the book.)

Minerva: Chapter 2, The Vanishing Glass.

Nearly ten years had passed

Pomona: Oh, Harry should be getting his letter then.

Xiomara: Be funny if Dudley got one too!

since the Dursleys had woken up to find their nephew on the front step, but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all. The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursleys' front door; it crept into their living room,

Robert: Head's up, Al, that light is behaving very suspiciously! Creeping into people's living rooms...

Alastor: Oh, sod off. (The others snicker.)

which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley had seen that fateful news report about the owls.

Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed. Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-colored bonnets - but

Xiomara: Dudley had thrown so much food at the walls instead of into his mouth that he'd slimmed down amazingly!

Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby, and now the photographs showed a large blond boy riding his first bicycle, on a carousel at the fair, playing a computer game with his father, being hugged and kissed by his mother.

Alastor: Playing a what?

Robert: Must be a Muggle thing. Mona?

Pomona: (shrugs) Never heard of it. Computer... Compute... Maybe some kind of game meant to improve his Math skills?

The room held no sign at all that another boy lived in the house, too.

Robert: Professor McGonagall had come back in secret and given Harry Animagus training. The neighbors now believed that the Dursleys owned a half-grown male kitten with an odd fur-pattern on its head.

Yet Harry Potter was still there, asleep at the moment, but not for long. His Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice that made the first noise of the day.

Filius: Definitely no permanent damage to his ears then.

"Up! Get up! Now!"

Robert: Now, why does that sound familiar? (Looks pointedly at Minerva.)

Minerva: Robbie, you were about to sleep through a Final Exam!

Harry woke with a start. His aunt rapped on the door again.

"Up!" she screeched.

Xiomara: And her broomstick slowly rose into the air...

Harry heard her walking toward the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being put on the stove.

(Filius opens his mouth. Minerva looks sternly at him.)

Minerva: We've established his continued good hearing, Flit. Find another topic!

He rolled onto his back and tried to remember the dream he had been having. It had been a good one. There had been a flying motorcycle in it.

Alastor: Which was still being investigated by the Ministry...

He had a funny feeling he'd had the same dream before.

Filius: And come to think of it, it was his Aunt's shrieking that woke him up from it the last time, too!

His aunt was back outside the door. "Are you up yet?" she demanded. "Nearly," said Harry. "Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday."

Filius: She can't pronounce "Dudley"?

Harry groaned.

"What did you say?" his aunt snapped through the door.

Robert/Minerva: He said, "Ooooohhh."

"Nothing, nothing."

Pomona: (as Harry) I said "Ooooh! Dudley's birthday, what fun!"

Dudley's birthday - how could he have forgotten?

Harry got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them, put them on. Harry was used to spiders,

Alastor: Good, since they're useful in a lot of spells.

because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where he slept.

All: The cupboard???

Xiomara: Maybe he should get an Acromantula egg and raise it.

Minerva: In a cupboard?

Xiomara: Sure, and then when it's big enough, he could sick it on the Dursleys!

Pomona: What's an Acromantula?

Alastor: Think spider. Then think huge. They live in Borneo, and you'd barely make a snack for a full-grown one. I'm interested in the way your mind works, Miss Hooch.

Filius: Ease up, Al, we're all on the same team here.

When he was dressed he went down to the hall into the kitchen. The table was almost hidden beneath all Dudley's birthday presents.

It looked as though Dudley had gotten the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike.

Filius: What's a computer?

Pomona: (shrugs) What's a television?

Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to Harry,

Robert: Call in the Department of Mysteries!

as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise - unless of course it involved punching somebody.

Pomona: That's odd. The fat kid is usually the one who gets bullied.

Minerva: (sharply) Have the Bulstrodes been after you again, Mona?

Pomona: (smugly) Not since last spring.

Minerva: Er, not that I was implying...

Dudley's favorite punching bag was Harry, but he couldn't often catch him. Harry didn't look it, but he was very fast.

Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard, but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age.

Pomona: Lack of sunlight can stunt a plant's growth - I don't know about a human being.

He looked even smaller and skinnier than he really was because all he had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's,

Xiomara: Ah, the Hand-Me-Down game! You're lucky you're at the top of the food chain, Minna.

and Dudley was about four times bigger than he was. Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair, and bright green eyes.

Robert: Your favorite, Minna!

He wore round glasses held together with a lot of Scotch tape

Robert: Scotch what?

Pomona: Scotch tape - it's what Muggles use instead of spell-o-tape.

because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose.

Alastor: I wonder what his nose is held together with?

The only thing Harry liked about his own appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead that was shaped like a bolt of lightning.

Minerva: Trust a boy to like having a scar on his face!

He had had it as long as he could remember, and the first question he could ever remember asking his Aunt Petunia was how he had gotten it.

"In the car crash when your parents died,"

All: Car crash???

Filius: Seems they've kept a few things from the boy, doesn't it?

she had said. "And don't ask questions."

Don't ask questions - that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys.

Minerva: But how is he ever supposed to learn anything?

Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as Harry was turning over the bacon.

Xiomara: So Harry cut a few slices off him and threw them in the pan in case anyone wanted seconds.

Pomona: Yuck!

"Comb your hair!" he barked,

Pomona: And good morning to you, too!

by way of a morning greeting.

About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his newspaper and shouted that Harry needed a haircut. Harry must have had more haircuts than the rest of the boys in his class put together, but it made no difference, his hair simply grew that way - all over the place.

Minerva: You know, so does Harriet's. And both her brothers, too, I've seen pictures.

Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother. Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon. He had a large pink face, not much neck, small watery blue eyes, and thick blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head.

Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel -

Filius: Well that just put me off religion for life!

Harry often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig.

Xiomara: I'm with Harry on that one!

Harry put the plates of egg and bacon on the table, which was difficult as there wasn't much room. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents.

His face fell.

"Thirty-six," he said, looking up at his mother and father. "That's two less than last year."

Robert: Who gets 36 presents?

Minerva: Who keeps a record of how many they got last year?

"Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, it's here under this big one from Mommy and Daddy."

Pomona: Mommy and Daddy? And he's how old?

"All right, thirty-seven then," said Dudley, going red in the face. Harry, who could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on, began wolfing down his bacon as fast as possible in case Dudley turned the table over.

Aunt Petunia obviously scented danger, too, because she said quickly, "And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today. How's that, popkin?

All: Popkin?

(They all go stiff in the face as if controlling themselves rigidly.)

Filius: (carefully) Is that a Muggle expression, Mona?

Pomona: I have never known anyone who called their child that!

Minerva: (her voice is beginning to shake) So it's alright if we laugh?

Pomona: (giggling) Why not? I'm going to!

(The whole group explodes into laughter that rises almost to hysteria. Pomona and Filius stop first, wincing a little. Their sinuses are still sore. Even so, it's several minutes before the group is back under control.)

Two more presents. Is that all right?"

Minerva: "Is that all right?" Who's running that house?

Dudley thought for a moment. It looked like hard work. Finally, he said slowly, "So, I'll have thirty, thirty..."

Filius: He's turning eleven and he can't count up to thirty-nine? I could almost feel sorry for the boy!

Pomona: So much for improving his Math skills.

"Thirty-nine, sweetums," said Aunt Petunia.

Minerva: He'll never learn if you don't make him work it out for himself!

"Oh." Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel. "All right then." Uncle Vernon chuckled. "Little tyke wants his money's worth, just like his father. 'Atta boy, Dudley!" He ruffled Dudley's hair.

Pomona: Ok, I need to say something here; on behalf of ninety-nine percent of all Muggle families in the world; that is NOT normal!

At that moment the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike, a video camera, a remote control airplane, sixteen new computer games, and a VCR.

Robert/Minerva: A what?

Pomona: That's a new one on me.

He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch when Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone looking both angry and worried.

"Bad news, Vernon," she said. "Mrs. Figg's broken her leg. She can't take him."

She jerked her head in Harry's direction. Dudley's mouth fell open in horror, but Harry's heart gave a leap. Every year on Dudley's birthday, his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure parks, hamburger restaurants,

Pomona: (dreamily) A whole day at a hamburger restaurant... I could get used to this family.

or the movies. Every year, Harry was left behind with Mrs. Figg, a mad old lady who lived two streets away.

Minerva: That's so unfair!

Harry hated it there. The whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs. Figg made him look at the photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned.

Robert: The woman is delusional! Nobody owns a cat - the cat owns you!

"Now what?" said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at Harry as though he'd planned this.

Alastor: If he did, he's one of mine! Hail Slytherin!

Harry knew he ought to feel sorry that Mrs. Figg had broken her leg, but it wasn't easy when he reminded himself it would be a whole year before he had to look at Tibbles, Snowy, Mr. Paws, and Tufty again.

Minerva: "Mr. Paws"? That's almost as bad as "Dudley"!

"We could phone Marge," Uncle Vernon suggested.

"Don't be silly, Vernon, she hates the boy."

Xiomara: Then he should feel right at home!

The Dursleys often spoke about Harry like this, as though he wasn't there - or rather, as though he was something very nasty that couldn't understand them, like a slug.

Minerva: I really don't like these people.

"What about what's-her-name, your friend - Yvonne?"

Xiomara: That woman has friends?!

"On vacation in Majorca," snapped Aunt Petunia.

Robert: Where is Majorca?

Filius: Near Spain, I think.

"You could just leave me here," Harry put in hopefully (he'd be able to watch what he wanted on television for a change and maybe even have a go on Dudley's computer).

Aunt Petunia looked as though she'd just swallowed a lemon.

"And come back and find the house in ruins?" she snarled.

Robert: Hey, that wasn't Harry's fault! That was that Moldy-Wart person!

Filius: Voldemort.

Minerva: And he prefers to be called You-Know-Who, if you don't mind!

"I won't blow up the house," said Harry, but they weren't listening.

"I suppose we could take him to the zoo," said Aunt Petunia slowly, "and leave him in the car...."

Minerva: Bring a good book, Harry-lad!

Xiomara: What happens when he needs the loo?

"That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone."

Robert: I guess Uncle Vernon thought of that too, Xia.

Dudley began to cry loudly. In fact, he wasn't really crying - it had been years since he'd really cried - but he knew that if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted.

Minerva: Honestly, if I'd ever tried that, there would have been hell to pay!

"Dinky Duddydums, don't cry, Mummy won't let him spoil your special day!" she cried, flinging her arms around him.

All: Dinky Duddydums?!?

Robert: No wonder this kid's a mess!

"I...don't...want...him...t-t-to come!" Dudley yelled between huge, pretend sobs. "He always sp-spoils everything!" He shot Harry a nasty grin through the gap in his mother's arms.

Just then, the doorbell rang - "Oh, good Lord, they're here!" said Aunt Petunia frantically and a moment later, Dudley's best friend, Piers Polkiss,

(Xiomara suddenly goes into a coughing fit, which doesn't quite cover up the fact that she's laughing. The others look blank for a moment, then one by one they catch on. Alastor snorts, Robert grins, Minerva gives Xiomara a look that would do her future self proud, Filius turns a little pink, while poor Pomona blushes so hard she's nearly purple.)

Minerva: I think I'll go on reading now.

walked in with his mother. Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat.

Minerva: (half to herself) That's strange...

Robert: What is?

Minerva: Why do I suddenly feel hungry?

He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them.

Robert: How charming!

Minerva: Well, Robbie, we did that once.

Robert: We did it to Barnabus Bulstrode, who was bigger than both of us put together, and who bloody well deserved it after what he did to Mona, here!

Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once. Half an hour later, Harry, who couldn't believe his luck, was sitting in the back of the Dursleys' car with Piers and Dudley, on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life.

Alastor: Why bother going to the zoo? If he's with Piers and Dudley, he's already seen the animals!

His aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with him, but before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside.

"I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face

Filius: That man is a heart attack waiting to happen!

right up close to Harry's, "I'm warning you now, boy - any funny business, anything at all - and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."

Pomona: Well what did they think that I went there to do?

And why should I want to be bad at the zoo?

And should I be likely to say if I had?

So that's why it's funny, how Mummy and Dad...

(She notices that the others are looking at her strangely.)

Pomona: You lot have got to read some A. A. Milne!

"I'm not going to do anything," said Harry, "honestly."

Alastor: Saying "honestly", now that's suspicious.

But Uncle Vernon didn't believe him. No one ever did.

Robert/Minerva: Nobody ever believes us, either!

The problem was, strange things often happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn't make them happen.

Alastor: Especially since he probably did!

Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of Harry coming back from the barbers looking as though he hadn't been at all, had taken a pair of kitchen scissors and cut his hair so short he was almost bald except for his bangs, which she left "to hide that horrible scar."

Robert: Now somebody enlarge the scar, to hide that horrible hair!

Dudley had laughed himself silly at Harry,

Pomona: Who probably still looked better than Dudley ever would!

who spent a sleepless night imagining school the next day, where he was already laughed at for his baggy clothes and taped glasses.

Minerva: That is so unfair!

Next morning, however, he had gotten up to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off.

He had been given a week in his cupboard for this,

Filius: and when they let him out, his hair was down to his waist.

(The others snicker.)

even though he had tried to explain that he couldn't explain how it had grown back so quickly.

Another time, Aunt Petunia had been trying to force him into a revolting old sweater of Dudley's (brown with orange puff balls).

Minerva: Well, Harry, cut the puff balls off and give them to Mrs. Figg's cats to play with, and then you've got a nice brown sweater.

The harder she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a hand puppet, but certainly wouldn't fit Harry.

Aunt Petunia had decided it must have shrunk in the wash

Minerva: Well if you'd put a proper anti-shrinking spell on it...!

and, to his great relief, Harry wasn't punished.

On the other hand, he'd gotten into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchens. Dudley's gang had been chasing him as usual when, as much as Harry's surprise as anyone else's, there he was sitting on the chimney.

(stunned silence.)

Xiomara: He's not quite eleven and he can Apparate?

Filius: (jubilantly) Look out, Hogwarts; here comes Harry! He'll be a Ravenclaw or I'll know the reason why!

The Dursleys had received a very angry letter from Harry's headmistress telling them Harry had been climbing school buildings.

Minerva: Pity she didn't pay more attention to why he'd "climbed" it. She might have written an angry letter about that Dudley!

But all he'd tried to do (as he shouted at Uncle Vernon through the locked door of his cupboard) was jump behind the big trashcans outside the kitchen doors. Harry supposed that the wind must have caught him in mid-jump.

Xiomara: Put a tail on him and you could fly him like a kite.

Pomona: Wouldn't you need some string too?

Xiomara: Don't be so bloody literal.

But today, nothing was going to go wrong.

Alastor: I wouldn't count on that.

It was even worth being with Dudley and Piers to be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, his cupboard, or Mrs. Figg's cabbage-smelling living room.

Robert: Has he ever been in Mrs. Cabbage's fig-smelling living room?

While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were just a few of his favorite subjects.

Robert: Did they forget anything on that list?

Minerva: I don't know...did they mention Harry?

This morning, it was motorcycles.

"Roaring along like maniacs, the young hoodlums," he said, as a motorcycle overtook them.

Alastor: Right, that tears it. Illegal or not, I'm getting a motorcycle!

Robert/Minerva: We want one too!

"I had a dream about a motorcycle," said Harry, remembering suddenly. "It was flying."

Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front.

Filius: That's the second time in this chapter alone that they've talked about cars crashing. The Muggle world sounds like a dangerous place!

He turned right around in his seat and yelled at Harry, his face like a gigantic beet with a mustache:

Filius: There's a project for you, Mona: Can you grow a gigantic beet with a mustache?

Pomona: (eagerly) I'll see what I can do, that could be fun!

"MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!"

Alastor: Not legally, anyway.

Dudley and Piers sniggered.

"I know they don't," said Harry. "It was only a dream."

But he wished he hadn't said anything. If there was one thing the Dursleys hated even more than his asking questions, it was his talking about anything acting in a way it shouldn't, no matter if it was in a dream or even a cartoon - they seemed to think he might get dangerous ideas.

Robert: An idea can be a dangerous thing!

It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families. The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice creams at the entrance and then, because the smiling lady in the van had asked Harry what he wanted before they could hurry him away, they bought him a cheap lemon ice pop.

Minerva: That's so...so...

Robert: Unfair?

Minerva: Exactly!

It wasn't bad, either, Harry thought, licking it as they watched a gorilla scratching its head who looked remarkably like Dudley, except that it wasn't blond.

Filius: Now that's unkind!

Xiomara: Well you can't really blame him...

Filius: Gorillas are noble, intelligent beasts!

Harry had the best morning he'd had in a long time.

Pomona: What about the afternoon?

He was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunchtime, wouldn't fall back on their favorite hobby of hitting him.

Filius: There, see how bright he is? One of mine, or I'll know the reason why!

They ate in the zoo restaurant, and when Dudley had a tantrum because his knickerbocker glory didn't have enough ice cream on top, Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry was allowed to finish the first.

Alastor: Right, Mona, what is a knickerbocker glory?

Pomona: I don't know, but it sounds like it involves pants.

Xiomara: Somehow the idea of Harry finishing the ice cream on Dudley's pants...

Minerva: Enough, Xia!

Harry felt, afterward, that he should have known it was all too good to last.

Pomona: (gloomily) I knew it!

After lunch they went to the reptile house. It was cool and dark in there, with lit windows all along the walls. Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes were crawling and slithering over bits of wood and stone.

Alastor: Ah-hah, I think I like this place!

Dudley and Piers wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons. Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place. It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon's car and crushed it into a trash can - but at the moment it didn't look in the mood. In fact, it was fast asleep.

Alastor: That's what it wants you to think!

Dudley stood with his nose pressed against the glass, staring at the glistening brown coils.

Alastor: And wishing he were that sleek and handsome.

"Make it move," he whined at his father. Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass, but the snake didn't budge.

"Do it again," Dudley ordered. Uncle Vernon rapped the glass smartly with his knuckles, but the snake just snoozed on.

Alastor: Stop harassing my house mascot!

"This is boring," Dudley moaned. He shuffled away.

Harry moved in front of the tank and looked intently at the snake. He wouldn't have been surprised if it had died of boredom itself - no company except stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long. It was worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom, where the only visitor was Aunt Petunia hammering on the door to wake you up; at least he got to visit the rest of the house.

Robert: Not that that was much of a thrill.

The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with Harry's.

It winked.

Minerva: That's impossible; snakes don't have eyelids! Unless...

Pomona: What?

Minerva: Never mind.

Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching. They weren't. He looked back at the snake and winked, too.

Pomona: Flirting with snakes? Isn't that a little cold blooded?

Robert: Only on a minor scale.

Minerva: Let's pretend that bit of dialogue never happened.

The snake jerked its head toward Uncle Vernon and Dudley, then raised its eyes to the ceiling. It gave Harry a look that said quite plainly:

"I get that all the time."

"I know," Harry murmured through the glass, though he wasn't sure the snake could hear him. "It must be really annoying."

The snake nodded its head vigorously.

(Silence.)

Alastor: Right, Flit. Now you know the reason why.

Filius: Harry is a parselmouth?

Xiomara: Damn, I was really getting to like the kid.

Minerva: Now come on, be fair. Just because he's a parselmouth doesn't prove he's evil!

Alastor: Come on Minna, there's never been one yet that wasn't!

Pomona: Um...guys? What's a parselmouth?

"Where do you come from, anyway?" Harry asked.

Robert: (to Pomona) I was just about to ask you the same question!

Minerva: A parselmouth is a witch or wizard who can speak snake language. It's usually associated with Dark wizards. Or witches.

Alastor: What do you mean "usually"? Have you ever heard of a parselmouth who didn't go to the bad?

Minerva: There's a first time for everything. Anyway, it explains the wink. Parselmouths process what the snake communicates through their own experience of the world. If the snake is thinking something that a human would express with a wink, the parselmouth is likely to see a wink.

Alastor: (suspiciously) You seem pretty familiar with the subject, my girl.

Minerva: Of course, I've read all about them.

The snake jabbed its tail at a little sign next to the glass. Harry peered at it.

Boa Constrictor, Brazil.

"Was it nice there?"

The boa constrictor jabbed its tail at the sign again and Harry read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo.

Robert: So the snake can read?

"Oh, I see - so you've never been to Brazil?"

As the snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump. "DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT'S DOING!"

Dudley came waddling toward them as fast as he could.

"Out of the way, you," he said, punching Harry in the ribs.

All: GGGRRRRR....

Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor. What came next happened so fast no one saw how it happened - one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass, the next, they had leapt back with howls of horror.

Harry sat up and gasped; the glass front of the boa constrictor's tank had vanished. The great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering

All: You mean Slytherin!

out onto the floor. People throughout the reptile house screamed and started running to the exits.

As the snake slid swiftly past him, Harry could have sworn a low, hissing voice said, "Brazil, here I come... Thanksss, amigo."

The keeper of the reptile house was in shock.

"But the glass," he kept saying, "where did the glass go?"

Robert: It's on the coast, over to the North.

Pomona: What is?

Minerva: Glasgow.

Alastor: I'm going to check the Ministry records - there's got to be a law against puns that bad!

The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea

Xiomara: Which she drank through pursed lips...

while he apologized over and over again. Piers and Dudley could only gibber. As far as Harry had seen, the snake hadn't done anything except snap playfully at their heels as it passed, but by the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon's car, Dudley was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg,

Robert: Pity it didn't!

Alastor: Hey, that's my house mascot! You want to make him sick?!

while Piers was swearing

Xiomara: In front of his friend's mother? Wash that boy's mouth out!

it had tried to squeeze him to death. But, worst of all, for Harry at least, was Piers calming down enough to say, "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?"

Filius: (as Harry) Yes, and it was the most intelligent company I'd had all day!

Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house before starting on Harry. He was so angry he could hardly speak. He managed to say, "Go - cupboard - stay - no meals,"

Xiomara: Don't worry, Harry, Dudley will eat them for you.

before he collapsed into a chair, and Aunt Petunia had to run and get him a large brandy.

Minerva: Drinking when you're upset is a bad idea.

Harry lay in his dark cupboard much later, wishing he had a watch. He didn't know what time it was and he couldn't be sure the Dursleys were asleep yet. Until they were, he couldn't risk sneaking to the kitchen for some food.

He'd lived with the Dursleys almost ten years, ten miserable years, as long as he could remember, ever since he'd been a baby and his parents had died in that car crash.

All: Which wasn't a car crash!

He couldn't remember being in the car when his parents had died. Sometimes, when he strained his memory during long hours in his cupboard, he came up with a strange vision: a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on his forehead. This, he supposed, was the crash, though he couldn't imagine where all the green light came from.

Alastor: (grimly) I can.

Pomona: Green light...isn't that...?

Minerva: The Avada Kedavra. We learned about it in Defense Against the Dark Arts last month.

Filius: And Harry survived? But no one's ever...! I don't care, parselmouth or not, he's a Ravenclaw!

He couldn't remember his parents at all. His aunt and uncle never spoke about them, and of course he was forbidden to ask questions. There were no photographs of them in the house.

Minerva: Tsk! That's guilt. She never forgave herself for not having made up with her sister before she died. She can't even stand to look at a picture of Lily.

When he had been younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take him away, but it had never happened; the Dursleys were his only family.

Minerva: Nonsense, what about his Great-Aunt Harriet? Unless she's his Gran, of course.

Yet sometimes he thought (or maybe hoped) that strangers in the street seemed to know him. Very strange strangers they were, too. A tiny man in a violet top hat had bowed to him once while out shopping with Aunt Petunia and Dudley. After asking Harry furiously if he knew the man,

Robert: And why he hadn't introduced her to him, she thought he was kind of cute.

Xiomara: Well after twelve years of being squashed under Vernon...

Others: XIA!!!

Aunt Petunia had rushed them out of the shop without buying anything. A wild-looking old woman dressed all in green had waved merrily at him once on a bus. A bald man in a very long purple coat had actually shaken his hand in the street the other day and then walked away without a word. The weirdest thing about all these people was the way they seemed to vanish the second Harry tried to get a closer look.

Robert: They Disapparate as soon as Harry sees them?

(Alastor opens his mouth.)

Others: Don't say it, Al!!!

At school, Harry had no one. Everybody knew that Dudley's gang hated that odd Harry Potter in his baggy old clothes and broken glasses, and nobody liked to disagree with Dudley's gang.

Xiomara: I'd like to "disagree" with Dudley's gang!

Minerva: And that's the end of Chapter 2.