Chapter Four

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling.

Acknowledgements: Many thanks to The Petulant Poetess for posting this and to the equally wonderful Dark Beta for... well, being my Beta.

Scene: Hufflepuff Common Room, the next afternoon. Our superb sextet are all sitting around doing various types of homework. Minerva is coaching Pomona and Robert in some of the finer points of Transfiguration. Xiomara, Filius and Alastor are having a minor argument over their DADA books.

Filius: Al, one of the most potent defenses there is against Dark Wizardry is the Fidelius Charm.

Alastor: Agreed.

Filius: Which requires absolute trust on the part of both participants.

Xiomara: He does have a point, Al.

Alastor: Which explains why not everyone is cut out to use the Fidelius Charm, just as not everyone is cut out to be a Healer or a potions maker - only a very rare few people can become Animagi, for that matter. (Robert and Minerva look up briefly at the sound of the word.) Just because a spell is good, doesn't mean that it's the only one or that everyone should be expected to be able to use it.

Xiomara: What about Aurors, Al? Most Aurors have to rely on their partners in a dangerous situation. That means they have to be able to completely trust their partner or when it really comes to the crunch...

Minerva: I think you're still snapping your wrist a little too abruptly on that last flick, Mona. Try doing it more smoothly - even if you have to slow it down a little.

Robert: Minna, I'm worn out, Mona's worn out, and I know perfectly well that you're worn out! Let's take a break. Even a Gryffindor needs a rest now and then.

(Pomona digs into her book bag and pulls out some chocolate frogs, hands one each to Minerva and Robert, and then reaches over to nudge Filius and hand over three more.)

Filius: Oh thank you, Mona. Are we taking a recess?

Pomona: Definitely.

Alastor: (grumbling good-naturedly) Thank Merlin for that! These frogs can't be any more sugary than the lecture on the value of trust I've been getting!

Xiomara: Al, I dare you to eat that frog without sniffing it for poison.

(For a minute or two they all just eat their chocolates in silence. There's a hint of tension in the air. Nobody quite meets anyone else's eye and we get the feeling everyone is waiting for someone else to speak first. Finally...)

Alastor: All right, who's got it?

Robert: (pulling out the book) I do.

Pomona: Whose turn is it to read?

Minerva: Well, Robbie hasn't read yet, and he's got the book in his hands anyway...

Robert: Right. (Opens book) Chapter Four: The Keeper of the Keys

BOOM. They knocked again. Dudley jerked awake.

"Where's the cannon?" he said stupidly.

Xiomara: Quite in character, then.

There was a crash behind them and Uncle Vernon came skidding into the room. He was holding a rifle in his hands - now they knew what had been in the long, thin package he had brought with them.

Pomona: A gun? He bought a gun just to keep his nephew from going to Hogwarts? He's completely insane!

Alastor: We've already established that.

"Who's there?" he shouted. "I warn you - I'm armed!"

Robert: What does he mean, "armed"?

Pomona: With a gun.

Alastor: I've heard about those. They're what Muggles use instead of the Avada Kedavra, aren't they?

Pomona: Sort of.

There was a pause. Then -

SMASH!

The door was hit with such force that it swung clean off its hinges and with a deafening crash, landed flat on the floor.

Alastor: Watch out, Harry! Might be that "Voldemort" person. Have a curse handy and get ready to duck.

Xiomara: He doesn't know any curses. Poor doomed little blighter.

Pomona: It's a very thick book. I don't think we need to worry.

Alastor: Yet.

A giant of a man was standing in the doorway. His face was almost completely hidden by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair.

Minerva: Oh, it's that Haggis fellow.

Filius: Hagrid.

The giant squeezed his way into the hut, stooping so that his head just brushed the ceiling. He bent down, picked up the door, and fitted it easily back into its frame. The noise of the storm outside dropped a little. He turned to look at them all.

"Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey...."

Robert: That depends. Can you drink it through pursed lips?

He strode over to the sofa where Dudley sat frozen with fear.

"Budge up, yeh great lump," said the stranger.

Pomona: That's a bit rude!

Dudley squeaked and ran to hide behind his mother, who was crouching, terrified, behind Uncle Vernon.

Xiomara: And Vernon ran around to hide behind Dudley and then Petunia ran around...

"An' here's Harry!" said the giant.

Harry looked up into the fierce, wild, shadowy face and saw that the beetle eyes were crinkled in a smile.

"Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby," said the giant. "Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mom's eyes."

Filius: Really? That's more than we knew.

Pomona: I think it's more than Harry knew.

Uncle Vernon made a funny rasping noise.

Minerva: After spending the night on that damp, cold rock, I'm amazed the whole family isn't rasping!

"I demand that you leave at once, sir!" he said. "You are breaking and entering!"

Alastor: And soon he'll do some more breaking.

"Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great prune," said the giant; he reached over the back of the sofa, jerked the gun out of Uncle Vernon's hands, bent it into a knot as easily as if it had been made of rubber, and threw it into a corner of the room.

Filius: Notice how the Dursley men always seem to get their guns bent? Don't say it, Xia!

Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on.

Robert: First Dudley squeaks and then Vernon makes this "mouse being trodden on" noise... are they all rodents in that family?

Filius: Don't be too quick to scoff at a squeak, Robbie. I've been known to squeak myself occasionally!

Pomona: Yes, but you squeak bravely!

(Filius turns a bit pink.)

Minerva: (half under her breath) Don't be too quick to sloff at a skeek... no. Don't be too squick...Drat! Don't be too slick to scoff at a sweek... Oh, never mind!

"Anyway - Harry," said the giant, turning his back on the Dursleys, "a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat fer yeh here - I mighta sat on it at some point,

Filius: I hope it's not another mouse!

but it'll taste all right.

From an inside pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box. Harry opened it with trembling fingers. Inside was a large, sticky chocolate cake with Happy Birthday Harry written on it in green icing.

Alastor: Green eyes, green ink, green icing... I think this is foreshadowing. He's going to be one of mine!

Pomona/Xiomara: You wish!

Harry looked up at the giant. He meant to say thank you, but the words got lost on the way to his mouth,

Robert: No, no; turn right at Gullet Way, not left!

and what he said instead was, "Who are you?"

Alastor: Well done, lad, get to the basic questions first. And don't eat any of that cake until you've seen him eat a good-sized piece!

The giant chuckled.

"True, I haven't introduced meself. Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."

Alastor: What's happened to old Ogg, then?

Minerva: Well, by 1998, he'll have retired.

He held out an enormous hand and shook Harry's whole arm.

"What about that tea then, eh?" he said, rubbing his hands together. "I'd not say no ter summat stronger if yeh've got it, mind."

His eyes fell on the empty grate with the shriveled chip bags in it and he snorted. He bent down over the fireplace; they couldn't see what he was doing but when he drew back a second later, there was a roaring fire there.

Xiomara: He's got a baby dragon in his pocket!

Alastor: Not if he knows what's good for him, he doesn't!

It filled the whole damp hut with flickering light and Harry felt the warmth wash over him as though he'd sunk into a hot bath.

The giant sat back down on the sofa, which sagged under his weight, and began taking all sorts of things out of the pockets of his coat: a copper kettle, a squashy package of sausages, a poker, a teapot, several chipped mugs, and a bottle of some amber liquid that he took a swig from before starting to make tea.

Minerva: Well that answers that.

Robert: What?

Minerva: He doesn't know what's good for him. Drinking when he's almost certainly going to be taking a boat back to shore in a storm?

Pomona: Maybe he'll spend the night.

Minerva: With the Dursleys?

Soon the hut was full of the sound and smell of sizzling sausage. Nobody said a thing while the giant was working, but as he slid the first six fat, juicy, slightly burnt sausages from the poker, Dudley fidgeted a little.

Uncle Vernon said sharply, "Don't touch anything he gives you, Dudley."

Pomona: Vernon, the lad's had nothing all day but stale chips and...

The giant chuckled darkly.

"Yer great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore, Dursley, don' worry."

Pomona: Neither does your mouth, you big... Dudley may not be Little Sir Wonderful, but I'd like this Hagrid better if he wouldn't make nasty "Fat" jokes at a child he hardly knows! (Mumbling) I guess it just hits a little too close to home.

Minerva: Mona, you are not fat! A little rounded at most.

Xiomara: Pleasingly plump.

Filius: A cozy armful! Er...(blushes)

Pomona: (Dimpling at him and obviously feeling better.) I'll deal with you later, sir!

(This prompts the usual round of whoops.)

He passed the sausages to Harry, who was so hungry he had never tasted anything so wonderful,

Alastor: I wonder what's in those sausages. Drugged, no doubt.

Minerva: Al, never ask what's in a sausage. It won't make you happy to know.

but he still couldn't take his eyes off the giant. Finally, as nobody seemed about to explain anything, he said, "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are."

Filius: Something tells me you don't really know who you are either, Harry.

The giant took a gulp of tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

Minerva: I can see they don't have napkins on that rock, but doesn't this man at least use a handkerchief?

"Call me Hagrid," he said, "everyone does. An' like I told yeh, I'm Keeper of Keys at Hogwarts - yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course."

Robert: Somehow I doubt it.

"Er - no," said Harry.

Hagrid looked shocked.

"Sorry," Harry said quickly.

Minerva: Don't apologize for ignorance; remedy it!

Alastor: And find out why they were plotting to keep you ignorant in the first place.

"Sorry?" barked Hagrid, turning to stare at the Dursleys, who shrank back into the shadows. "It's them as should be sorry! I knew yeh weren't getting' yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know abou' Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud! Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learned it all?"

"All what?" asked Harry.

"ALL WHAT?" Hagrid thundered. "Now wait jus' one second!"

He had leapt to his feet. In his anger he seemed to fill the whole hut.

Alastor: Hah! Now we'll see some action! You know what giants are like when they get riled!

The Dursleys were cowering against the wall.

"Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy - this boy! - knows nothin' abou' - about ANYTHING?"

Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad.

"I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff."

Minerva: Well, that's a good start.

Robert: And if he's been to school, it means he can read so how about that letter?

But Hagrid simply waved his hand and said, "About our world, I mean. Your world. My world. Yer parents' world. "

"What world?"

Robert: Well, you see, there's this planet called "Earth" and...

Hagrid looked as if he was about to explode.

Xiomara: That could be messy.

"DURSLEY!" he boomed.

Uncle Vernon, who had gone very pale, whispered something that sounded like "Mimblewimble."

Minerva: I don't consider that a legitimate excuse.

Robert: We'll have to try it on old Pringle sometime.

Hagrid stared wildly at Harry.

"But yeh must know about yer mom and dad," he said. "I mean, they're famous. You're famous. "

Minerva: (sternly) Use your head, man! They're famous in the wizarding world, which this boy has obviously not grown up in!

"What? My - my mom and dad weren't famous, were they?"

"Yeh don' know... yeh don' know..." Hagrid ran his fingers through his hair, fixing Harry with a bewildered stare.

"Yeh don' know what yeh are? " he said finally.

Pomona: Hungry?

Minerva: Confused?

Filius: Cold?

Alastor: Cut the dramatics and just tell the lad!

Uncle Vernon had suddenly found his voice.

Xiomara: It was in his back pocket.

"Stop!" he commanded. "Stop right there, sir! I forbid you to tell the boy anything!"

Minerva: I forbid it to rain on a Quidditch match but it does anyway.

A braver man than Vernon Dursley would have quailed under the furious look Hagrid now gave him;

Pomona: Vernon quailed, because he's chicken.

Filius: I'll think I'll duck that whole issue!

Xiomara: (aside to Pomona) But he might give you a goose, later.

Pomona: Xia!

Robert: Yes, Xia, that was definitely fowl. Now cut it out, you lot, you're robin me of the spotlight!

when Hagrid spoke, his every syllable trembled with rage.

Minerva: Because he'd heard that round of puns, I expect.

"You never told him? Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him? I was there! I saw Dumbledore leave it, Dursley! An' you've kept it from him all these years?"

"Kept what from me?" said Harry eagerly.

"STOP! I FORBID YOU!" yelled Uncle Vernon in panic.

Aunt Petunia gave a gasp of horror.

"Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh," said Hagrid.

Xiomara: I don't think Dudley's quite that hungry!

"Harry - yer a wizard."

Minerva/Robert: Well, FINALLY!

There was silence in the hut. Only the sea and the whistling wind could be heard.

"I'm a what?" gasped Harry.

"A wizard, o' course," said Hagrid, sitting back on the sofa, which groaned and sank even lower, "an' a thumpin' good 'un, I'd say, once yeh've been trained up a bit. With a mum an' dad like yours, what else would yeh be?

Robert: A half-grown male kitten with an odd fur pattern on its head? *

An' I reckon it's abou' time yeh read yer letter."

Robert: And what have I been saying all this time?

Harry stretched out his hand at last to take the yellowish envelope, addressed in emerald green to Mr. H. Potter, The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea. He pulled out the letter and read:

HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

~*~

Headmaster: ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,

Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. Of Wizards)

Alastor: So Dumbledore is Headmaster!

Minerva: Did you ever doubt he would be someday?

Filius: Hogwarts must be an interesting place to go to school in the 1990's!

Pomona: Hogwarts has always been an interesting place to go to school!

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall,

Deputy Headmistress

Xiomara: Minerva McGonagall, eh? (smothers a laugh)

Filius: Deputy Headmistress! Congratulations, Minna!

Alastor: Been keeping a few secrets from us, you two?

Minerva: (turning red) Stop it! It's nothing like that!

Pomona: Things can change over the years...

Minerva: They will never change that much!

Robert: Well, you don't have to say that as if I were a Flobberworm!

Xiomara: Right. I'm not touching that one!

Minerva: Robbie, you're my best friend! It would be like - like marrying my brother!

Pomona: Minna, you don't have a brother.

Minerva: Don't be so bloody literal! And the first person who says the Ancient Pharaohs did it is going to spend the rest of their life as a lawn-chair!

Questions exploded inside Harry's head like fireworks and he couldn't decide which to ask first. After a few minutes he stammered, "What does it mean, they await my owl?"

"Gallopin' Gorgons, that reminds me," said Hagrid, clapping a hand to his forehead with enough force to knock over a cart horse, and from yet another pocket inside his overcoat he pulled an owl - a real, live, rather ruffled-looking owl - a long quill, and a roll of parchment. With his tongue between his teeth he scribbled a note that Harry could read upside down:

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

Given Harry his letter.

Taking him to buy his things tomorrow.

Weather's horrible. Hope you're well.

Hagrid

Xiomara: Weather is horrible and so are the Dursleys!

Hagrid rolled up the note, gave it to the owl, which clamped it in its beak, went to the door, and threw the owl out into the storm. Then he came back and sat down as though this was as normal as talking on the telephone.

Filius: Someday I'd like to see a telephone.

Alastor: (As if he suspects the bloody Muggle contraption already.) So would I!

Harry realized his mouth was open and closed it quickly.

"Where was I?" said Hagrid,

Xiomara: A shack on an island in the middle of the sea. Try to keep track of these things.

but at that moment, Uncle Vernon, still ashen-faced but looking very angry, moved into the firelight.

"He's not going," he said.

Filius: They don't want him around, and they don't want him to leave. Make up your minds, you silly Muggles!

Hagrid grunted.

"I'd like ter see a great Muggle like you stop him," he said.

"A what?" said Harry, interested.

"A Muggle," said Hagrid, "it's what we call nonmagic folk like them. An' it's your bad luck you grew up in a family o' the biggest Muggles I ever laid eyes on."

Pomona: Excuse me, would you mind rephrasing that? My parents are Muggles!

"We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to that rubbish," said Uncle Vernon, "swore we'd stamp it out of him! Wizard indeed!"

"You knew?" said Harry. "You knew I'm a - a wizard?"

Minerva: Obviously, or the letters wouldn't have upset them so much!

"Knew!" shrieked Aunt Petunia suddenly. "Knew! Of course we knew! How could you not be, my dratted sister being what she was? Oh, she got a letter just like that and disappeared off to that - that school - and came home every vacation with her pockets full of frog spawn, turning teacups into rats. I was the only one who saw her for what she was - a freak! But for my mother and father, oh no, it was Lily this and Lily that, they were proud of having a witch in the family!"

Robert: Hmm? Jealous, you think?

Minerva: Interesting.

Alastor: What is?

Minerva: For all her ranting about her "freakish" sister, her first complaint was that Lily disappeared.

Pomona: Turning teacups into rats over summer? Wouldn't she get in trouble for that?

She stopped to draw a deep breath and then went ranting on. It seemed she had been wanting to say all this for years.

Pomona: Let it all out, dear, you'll feel better.

"Then she met that Potter at school

Alastor: Or at least that's what she told you.

and they left and got married and had you, and of course I knew you'd be just the same, just as strange, just as - as

Robert: Brilliant?

Pomona: Loyal?

Minerva: Brave?

Alastor: Cunning?

- abnormal - and then, if you please, she went and got herself blown up and we got landed with you!"

Minerva: And if you people were half as "normal" as you claim, you'd have been glad to have a nice little lad like him!

Harry had gone very white. As soon as he found his voice he said, "Blown up? You told me they died in a car crash!"

Alastor: And you didn't check their story, boy?

Filius: Al, how does an eleven-year-old go about checking a story like that?

"CAR CRASH!" roared Hagrid, jumping up so angrily that the Dursleys scuttled back to their corner. "How could a car crash kill Lily an' James Potter?

Pomona: Well, I suppose if they didn't see it coming in time to Apparate out...

It's an outrage! A scandal! Harry Potter not knowin' his own story when every kid in our world knows his name!"

Minerva: It's going to be embarrassing when he doesn't know theirs!

"But why? What happened?" Harry asked urgently.

The anger faded from Hagrid's face. He looked suddenly anxious.

"I never expected this," he said, in a low, worried voice. "I had no idea, when Dumbledore told me there might be trouble gettin' hold of yeh, how much yeh didn't know. Ah, Harry, I don' know if I'm the right person to tell yeh - but someone's gotta - yeh can't go off ter Hogwarts not knowin'."

Filius: Well, school is where we go to learn the things we didn't know. Good heavens, that rhymes!

He threw a dirty look at the Dursleys.

Xiomara: Splat!

Minerva: I don't think a look can splat, Xia, no matter how dirty it is.

Xiomara: I bet it can if a giant throws it!

"Well, it's best yeh know as much as I can tell yeh - mind, I can't tell yeh everythin', it's a great myst'ry, parts of it..."

He sat down, stared into the fire for a few seconds, and then said, "It begins, I suppose, with - with a person called - but it's incredible yeh don't know his name, everyone in our world knows - "

"Who?"

All: VOLDEMORT!

"Well - I don' like sayin' the name if I can help it. No one does."

Robert: This is getting ridiculous! I mean, this Voldemort can't be any worse than Grindelwald, can he?

"Why not?"

"Gulpin' gargoyles, Harry,

Pomona: Leapin' lizards, Sandy!

people are still scared. Blimey, this is difficult. See, there was this wizard who went... bad. As bad as you could go. Worse. Worse than worse.

Xiomara: We get the idea - he wasn't a nice person.

His name was..."

Robert/Minerva: Spit it out!

Hagrid gulped, but no words came out.

"Could you write it down?" Harry suggested.

"Nah - can't spell it.

Robert/Minerva: Starts with a "V"!

All right - Voldemort."

(All cheer "He did it!" "Yea, Hagrid!" and so on.)

Hagrid shuddered. "Don' make me say it again. Anyway, this - this wizard, about twenty years ago now, started lookin' fer followers. Got 'em, too - some were afraid, some just wanted a bit o' his power, 'cause he was getting' himself power, all right. Dark days, Harry. Didn't know who ter trust, didn't dare get friendly with strange wizards or witches...terrible things happened. He was takin' over.

Minerva: Morgan's Wand, it sounds like he might actually be worse than Grindelwald!

Robert: Grindelwald's trying to take over...

Minerva: Yes but the wizarding world isn't showing quite the same level of paranoia.

Alastor: That's our first mistake.

'Course, some stood up to him - an' he killed 'em. Horribly. One o' the only safe places left was Hogwarts. Reckon Dumbledore's the only one You-Know-Who was afraid of.

Minerva: So he's not completely insane.

Didn't dare try takin' the school, not jus' then, anyway.

"Now, yer mum an' dad were as good a witch an' wizard as I ever knew. Head Boy an' Girl at Hogwarts in their day! Suppose the myst'ry is why You-Know-Who never tried to get 'em on his side before...probably knew they were too close ter Dumbledore ter want anythin' ter do with the Dark Side.

Pomona: Strange, even though I know better, when I hear anyone talk about "going over to the Dark Side," it always sounds like it should be a place.

Xiomara: Somewhere near Uranus?

Minerva: That is such an old joke, Xia.

Robert: "I'm just going over to the Dark Side, chaps, I'll be back by noon."

"Maybe he thought he could persuade 'em...maybe he just wanted 'em outta the way. All anyone knows is, he turned up in the village where you was all living, on Halloween ten years ago.

Pomona: And we all know the rule about that; If someone comes to your door on Halloween dressed as the latest Dark Menace, do NOT say "Oh what a cute costume!" and give them a piece of candy!

You was just a year old.

Minerva: You were just a year old! Could we do something about this man's grammar?!

He came ter yer house an' - an' -"

Hagrid suddenly pulled out a very dirty, spotted handkerchief and blew his nose with a sound like a foghorn.

Filius: Well, a rock out in the sea is a good place for one!

Minerva: I guess it's a good thing he didn't use his handkerchief as a napkin earlier!

"Sorry," he said. "But it's that sad - knew yer mum an' dad, an' nicer people yeh couldn't find - anyway...

"You-Know-Who killed 'em. An' then - an' this is the real myst'ry of the thing - he tried to kill you, too.

Robert: That's a hell of a piece of news to spring on a lad!

Wanted ter make a clean job of it, I suppose, or maybe he just liked killin' by then. But he couldn't do it. Never wondered how you got that mark on yer forehead? That was no ordinary cut. That's what yeh get when a powerful, evil curse touches yeh - took care of yer mum an' dad an' yer house, even - but it didn't work on you, an' that's why yer famous, Harry. No one ever lived after he decided to kill 'em, no one except you, an' he'd killed some o' the best witches an' wizards of the age - the McKinnons, the Bones, the Prewetts - an' you was only a baby an' you lived."

Something very painful was going on in Harry's mind.

Minerva: Something very painful is going on in my mind! All those names are...

Robert: ...people we know.

Pomona: Marjorie Bones is in our House, Xia...

Xiomara: I'd noticed. You think she's the Bones the giant was talking about?

Alastor: If it's Thaddeus Prewett - or his sister, for that matter - this bloody "Voldemort" is going to have a problem with the Moodys!

Filius: We have to show this book to someone! If any of this is true, maybe it can be averted.

Alastor: Better read it all first, laddie. Make sure we know what we're talking about.

As Hagrid's story came to a close, he saw again the blinding flash of green light, more clearly than he had ever remembered it before - and he remembered something else, for the first time in his life: a high, cold, cruel laugh.

Minerva: Why do villains always laugh when they've done something horrible?

Robert: Because they're mad?

Filius: Trying to drown out what little conscience they have left would be my guess.

Hagrid was watching him sadly.

"Took yeh from the ruined house myself, on Dumbledore's orders. Brought yeh ter this lot..."

"Load of old tosh," said Uncle Vernon.

Robert: Yes, you are.

Harry jumped; he had almost forgotten that the Dursleys were there. Uncle Vernon certainly seemed to have got back his courage. He was glaring at Hagrid and his fists were clenched.

"Now, you listen here, boy," he snarled, "I accept there's something strange about you, probably nothing a good beating wouldn't have cured -

Minerva: Now just a minute!

Pomona: Harry would have been better off in an orphanage!

Filius: What's an orpheus-age?

Pomona: Orphanage. It's where Muggle children get sent to live if their parents die and no one else will take them in. Of course, life isn't always so good in those places, but...

and as for all this about your parents, well, they were weirdos, no denying it, and the world's better off without them in my opinion -

Xiomara: Something tells me he's treading on thin ice, here.

asked for all they got, getting mixed up with these wizarding types - just what I expected, always knew they'd come to a sticky end - "

Minerva: The Avada Kedavra isn't sticky, one of the reasons Dark Wizards prefer it is that there very little mess to clean up. And yes, Alastor, I know a lot about it! So do you. We studied it in DADA, remember?

But at that moment, Hagrid leapt from the sofa and drew a battered pink umbrella from inside his coat. Pointing this at Uncle Vernon like a sword, he said, "I'm warning you, Dursley - I'm warning you - one more word..."

Xiomara: Beware the Deadly Pink Umbrella Of Doom!

Minerva: I think putting "Deadly" and "Of Doom" in the same sentence is redundant.

In danger of being speared on the end of an umbrella

Robert: A pink one, no less! What an... un-manly way to die!

by a bearded giant, Uncle Vernon's courage failed again; he flattened himself against the wall and fell silent.

Xiomara: When is Hagrid going to flatten him?

"That's better," said Hagrid, breathing heavily and sitting back down on the sofa, which this time sagged right down to the floor.

Harry, meanwhile, still had questions to ask, hundreds of them.

"But what happened to Vol -, sorry - I mean, You-Know-Who?"

Pomona: Now that we all do know who.

"Good question, Harry. Disappeared. Vanished. Same night he tried ter kill you. Makes yeh even more famous. That's the biggest myst'ry, see...he was getting' more an' more powerful - why'd he go?

Pomona: It's a plot device, obviously!

Minerva: My guess is, he got a whiff of little Harry's diaper.

Filius: I doubt that would have been enough to defeat a powerful Dark Wizard, Minna.

Minerva: Flit, have you ever smelled a really nasty diaper???

"Some say he died. Codswallop, in my opinion. Dunno if he had enough human left in him to die. Some say he's still out there, bidin' his time, like, but I don' believe it. People who was on his side came back ter ours. Some of 'em came outta kinda trances. Don' reckon they could've done if he was comin' back.

Alastor: Are you sure they're not just in more subtle trances now, waiting until he returns? Or that they weren't faking it about having been in a trance to begin with?

Pomona: Honestly, Al, is there anyone you completely trust?

"Most of us reckon he's still out there somewhere but lost his powers. Too weak to carry on. 'Cause somethin' about you finished him, Harry. There was somethin' goin' on that night he hadn't counted on - I dunno what it was, no one does - but somethin' about you stumped him, all right."

Pomona: "Stumped" him? You know new sprouts - no pun intended - can grow out of stumps. You think this Volde-person is going to turn out to have a son?

Xiomara: Why not a daughter?

Hagrid looked at Harry with warmth and respect blazing in his eyes, but Harry, instead of feeling pleased and proud, felt quite sure there had been a horrible mistake.

Robert: First, Voldemort made one when he tried to kill Harry, then Dumbledore made one when he left Harry with the Dursleys, then the Dursleys made one with the way they treated Harry, then...

A wizard? Him? How could he possibly be? He'd spent his life being clouted by Dudley, and bullied by Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon; if he was really a wizard, why hadn't they been turned into warty toads every time they'd tried to lock him in his cupboard?

Minerva: When you think about it, it's surprising there aren't more cases of magical children cursing their parents or siblings without knowing it. Every child hates his parents sometimes!

Pomona: (Uncomfortably) Er, well... since I've known I was a witch, I have kind of wondered about that nasty rash my Mum got that time...

If he'd once defeated the greatest sorcerer in the world, how come Dudley had always been able to kick him around like a football?

Filius: Football?

Pomona: Sort of a Quaffle you kick along the ground.

"Hagrid," he said quietly, "I think you must have made a mistake. I don't think I can be a wizard."

To his surprise, Hagrid chuckled.

"Not a wizard, eh? Never made things happen when you was scared or angry?"

Harry looked into the fire. Now he came to think about it...every odd thing that had ever made his aunt and uncle furious with him had happened when he, Harry, had been upset or angry...chased by Dudley's gang, he had somehow found himself out of their reach

Robert: That should have given him a clue right there!

...dreading going to school with that ridiculous haircut, he'd managed to make it grow back...and the very last time Dudley had hit him, hadn't he got his revenge, without even realizing he was doing it? Hadn't he set a boa constrictor on him?

Harry looked back at Hagrid, smiling, and saw that Hagrid was positively beaming at him.

"See?" said Hagrid. "Harry Potter, not a wizard - you wait, you'll be right famous at Hogwarts."

But Uncle Vernon wasn't going to give up without a fight.

"Haven't I told you he's not going?"

All: (Sighing) Yes, you've told us.

Minerva: (as Vernon) I said Mimblewimble and, by Heaven, I meant Mimblewimble!

he hissed. "He's going to Stonewall High and he'll be grateful for it. I've read those letters and he needs all sorts of rubbish - spell books and wands and - "

"If he wants ter go, a great Muggle like you won't stop him," growled Hagrid. "Stop Lily an' James Potter's son goin' ter Hogwarts! Yer mad. His name's been down ever since he was born. He's off ter the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world. Seven years there and he won't know himself. He'll be with youngsters of his own sort, fer a change, an' he'll be under the greatest headmaster Hogwarts ever had, Albus Dumbled - "

"I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon.

Minerva: HOW DARE YOU?!

Robert: Whoo-boy, it's a good thing Minna's not in this chapter or Vernon would be dead!

Alastor: And why would that be a bad thing?

But he had finally gone too far. Hagrid seized his umbrella and whirled it over his head, "NEVER - " he thundered, " - INSULT - ALBUS - DUMBLEDORE - IN - FRONT - OF - ME!"

Minerva: Damn right!

He brought the umbrella swishing down through the air to point at Dudley - there was a flash of violet light, a sound like a firecracker, a sharp squeal, and the next second, Dudley was dancing on the spot with his hands clasped over his fat bottom, howling in pain. When he turned his back on them, Harry saw a curly pig's tail poking through a hole in his trousers.

Minerva: And that's an insult to some pigs I've known!

Uncle Vernon roared. Pulling Aunt Petunia and Dudley into the other room, he cast one terrified look at Hagrid and slammed the door behind them.

Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and stroked his beard.

Xiomara: Why does that sound vaguely -

Minerva: Xia...!

"Shouldn'ta lost me temper," he said ruefully, "but it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do."

Pomona: There he goes again.

He cast a sideways look at Harry under his bushy eyebrows.

"Be grateful if yeh didn't mention that ter anyone at Hogwarts," he said. "I'm - er - not supposed ter do magic, strictly speakin'. I was allowed ter do a bit ter follow yeh an' get yer letters to yeh an' stuff - one o' the reasons I was so keen ter take on the job - "

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.

Alastor: Well, if he's half-giant...

Filius: I find it rather impressive that he can do magic at all.

"Oh, well - I was at Hogwarts meself but I - er - got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wand in half an' everything. But Dumbledore let me stay on as gamekeeper. Great man, Dumbledore."

Pomona: The plot thickens!

"Why were you expelled?"

Alastor: I'd like to know that.

"It's getting' late and we've got lots ter do tomorrow," said Hagrid loudly. "Gotta get up ter town, get all yer books an' that."

Minerva: That's called changing the subject.

He took off his thick black coat and threw it to Harry.

"You can kip under that," he said. "Don' mind if it wriggles a bit, I think I still got a couple o' dormice in one o' the pockets."

Pomona: What shall I call my dear little dormouse?

His body is small, but his tail is enor-mouse!

Robert: And thus ends Chapter Four.

* If you don't get it, check the beginning of Chapter Two.