Chapter 33
Chapter 20 of 31
JackieJLHDuring the second war against Voldemort, Petunia Dursley spent nearly a year in hiding with her family. This is her story.
ReviewedAuthor's Notes: Many thanks to Pyjamarama for beta-reading and slyth_wolf for Brit-picking!
Sometimes, Petunia dreams about Vernon. Not the Vernon she lives with now, but the Vernon of a year ago. The Vernon of twenty years ago.
Her favourite dream is really more of a memory than anything else, and she thinks of it often. They were sitting side by side on the sofa, and she was leaning drowsily on his shoulder. She'd been nearly eight months pregnant at the time, and it was a hot and miserable day. She'd felt sweaty and ridiculously huge and just disgusting for days and couldn't imagine why he'd want to touch her at all. And Vernon, hearing her mutter this as she pulled away, had just held her closer, stroking her damp blonde hair and pressing salt-flavoured kisses to her lips and cheeks and the curve of her neck, and she'd never in her entire life felt more loved than she did in that moment.
Now, those memories do little more than hurt, and it's nearly unbearable. Vernon is barely speaking to her, and frankly, she's glad of that on most days. As lonely as she is, she can't handle the bitter, accusing tone he takes on every time he talks to her, as if she's to blame for everything that has happened to them. But she can't avoid him entirely; there are shared meals and haircuts every third week, and they're still pretending for Dudley's sake.
The haircuts are the worst, she thinks. It's not that it's hard work—when they were first married and Vernon was painstakingly working his way up at Grunnings, she'd always cut his hair herself. It had taken a few months, but she'd eventually become fairly good at it. Of course, many years have passed since then, and now, having his hair cut in the kitchen, on a rickety dining room chair with an old sheet spread below it to catch the clippings, seems to offend him more than anything else.
The hard part, she decides, is being so close to him. It's knowing that he doesn't want to be anywhere near her, seeing the reluctance and pained resignation in his eyes. The entire thing is like slow, agonising torture, and it makes her heart ache, makes her feel ill. By focusing on the task at hand, she manages to ignore his grumbles and complaints. For the most part, anyway. She tries not to notice the way he flinches every time she moves toward him with the scissors, but fails horribly.
Dudley's haircuts are always easier—she chatters on about how handsome he looks, the dinner she'll be making that night, and anything else she can think of. Dudley is mostly silent. He gives little nods when she's not mid-cut, or grunts of agreement otherwise, and that's really as talkative as he's ever been, so she doesn't terribly mind.
Her own hair is growing long after all these months, longer than she's worn it in years, but she can't bring herself to cut it. She's certain she'd do an awful job of it, and besides, Vernon always loved when she wore her hair long. She won't allow herself to do yet another thing to push him away.
Maybe, she thinks to herself, he's right. This is all my fault. It's not a new thought—she's feared that very thing for years. And maybe Vernon has always felt it was true as well... but he'd never said as much to her before they came here. Not even once.
This house is like poison, she thinks, but in her heart, she can't really bring herself to blame the house at all.
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Latest 25 Reviews for Filling in the Spaces
119 Reviews | 8.21/10 Average
I'm so sorry to have missed this update! I haven't been feeling well, myself, so I'm finding several stories I've missed.
On to business. This was lovely! That slight hint of, dare I say, "warming" from Vernon was just about right. He didn't actually have to do anything he had not done before. He was acting on his own self-interest in getting himself fed - something he'd have to get used to if he were going to throw Petunia out at the end of this, anyway.
I find myself honestly coming to feel for Dudley. After DH we find that he has the capacity to care for those near him, and this trait is blooming nicely in this story.
*smiles - A wonderful addition to the story. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Truffles - Sara
She should feel proud--it's that first little step that's the most important of all! I get the feeling that Petunia's never taken any risks for herself before, that her whole life she's made the choices that felt "safe" to her. Choosing Vernon as a husband because he was so emphatically "Muggle" in every sense of the word, with no imagination whatsoever; living in a subdivision where almost nobody is different (well, except for old Mrs. Figg and all her cats, but even that's to be expected in a way). Every day is the same, and every day she is the same--no worries, no surprises.Hopefully Petunia will learn that surprises can sometimes be wonderful, and not always a trial to be endured.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
I agree--I think Petunia can be very brave and take risks, but has only ever done it for someone else. She's slowly beginning to learn that it's okay to be brave just for herself. She may not realize it, but slowly she's beginning to find that she can be happy--happier, even--if she lets herself open up to the possibility that people different from her aren't automatically evil or freakish.
"Record keeper" huh? I wonder if that's a euphemism for "fudging the paperwork" so it doesn't show any improprieties? That would be a hard thing to do, even if you had to do it in order to keep your position as a spy within the organization...in a way you'd feel as though you were actually helping the bad guys to win.Sounds as though both ladies have a lot to unburden.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
She's definitely not enjoying her job--it involves a lot of things that she'd never imagined herself doing. : ( I think that for all Petunia needs Hestia, Hestia needs Petunia just as much right now.
Poor Petunia, but if this experience doesn't kill her then it will make her stronger.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
I agree. If she can make it through the war, she just might discover that she's become a better person.
I'm willing to bet that some 'girl talk' will happen on the roof. I think Petunia is learning the valuable lesson that women need women friends.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
Definitely! Petunia really does need a friend--everyone does, I guess. I can't imagine having gone through nearly my entire adult life up to this point without having had any real friends. :(
I loved the information about Hestia, you gave her some depth that was missing in canon.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
I'm glad you enjoyed it! If you feel so inclined, you might want to check out a story I just posted--Missing Spaces. It's a missing scene told from Hestia's POV. If you like background on Hestia, you might find it interesting. :D
I am continuing to enjoy this story. Please update soon.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
I'm so glad you're enjoying it! :D
Stepping out into the unknown...how appropriate! Petunia needs to learn how to be brave again, for her own sake and not for someone else. And if she's brave, Dudley will follow her example and be brave also, which is a Good Thing. I'm not sure if Vernon can learn to be brave, because I suspect he never was to begin with.Can't wait to read about the conversation up on the roof!
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
She really does--I think she has a lot of bravery inside of her, she just doesn't really see that. Her bravery only becomes apparent when she's doing something to benefit someone she loves, and I think if she could realize that she's worth taking a risk for sometimes, she'd be a much, much happier person. *hugs Petunia*
Now that's the mark of a true friend...someone who will come over at Oh My God In The Morning with little to no advance warning just because they know you're hurting. I'm so glad that Petunia has found someone like Hestia to comfort her during this trying period in her life...The awkward conversation with Dudley was well done also. I think Petunia worries too much that her son will turn against her, but since Vernon is doing that very thing, I really can't blame her for being paranoid about it. I wonder if he'll try to ask his dad for his version of what's going on, and if so just how badly will he feel about the answer?
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
*grins* Everyone needs a friend for those late-night moments when you feel like your world is turning upside down. :D Dudley's not done with his questions, though we still have a few chapters before we hear from him. :)
The proverbial leap of faith. I am liking this story more and more with each update.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
Yes! *is heavy-handed with the symbolism in this chapter* Lol.I'm glad you're enjoying it!! :D
Great chapter, I think Dudley is coming around as well.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
He is! :D I'm glad you enjoyed it!!
I think everyone should have a friend like Hestia. I enjoy watching Petunia's relationship with her grow.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
I think so too! Lol. She's really the friend that everyone could benefit from, I think--not perfect, but still perfectly understanding and caring. :D
Oh, honey... Going outside- how exciting! Hopefully nothing's wrong, but it seems more likely (at least to me) that Petunia's about to get a breath of fresh air. Last two chapters have been pulling at my heart more than usual. Hestia's very careful circumlocution, to avoid mentioning Tonks' first name, and to not assign blame to Petunia for pureblood prejudice- though Petunia's realization made something inside me >squeeze<.You're really good at that.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
Yep, a trip outside!! :D Some fresh air might do Petunia some good. Lol. And I think poor Hestia is (a) too painfully nice to point out Petunia's part in furthering attitudes of pureblood prejudice, and (b) too afraid to test the limits of their newfound friendship with information like, "Oh, by the way, I date women"--especially since she knows Petunia can be an uptight pain in the butt about people who are different from her. This may not be something she'd freak out over, but it might be, and since Hestia doesn't know, she's not quite willing to take that risk at this point. Can't say I blame her. Lol. Petunia doesn't have a reputation for being very accepting. I'm so glad you're enjoying this story!!
Petunia is learning more than one lesson today, it seems. Her and Vernon's treatment of Harry was abominable, and while I think she realized it on a vague superficial level before, it's really been driven home to her in a more profound way now. What will she do to try to make it up to Harry in the future? Hopefully not start treating him like Dudley and calling him cute names like "ickle Harrykins" or some such! 
Although the look on Harry's face would be priceless...I'm glad that she and Hestia are not only overcoming the Wizard/Muggle gap, but also the age gap! One of my best friends is about twenty years older than I am, and we've known each other for about...twenty years. I suddenly feel very old now myself. Anyway, it's certainly possible and very rewarding, and I think Petunia and Hestia have real "staying power" as friends. Can't wait for the next chapter!
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
Lol, I think I'd gag a little if she started treating Harry like Dudley. Honestly, it makes me a little annoyed when she's that way with Dudley, let alone anyone else. Lol.Like you said, friendships with large-ish age gaps can definitely work--one of the best friends I ever had was nearly 16 years older than me. In some ways, that age difference can be a benefit instead of an obstacle--you don't have the same life experiences, but it just gives you a different perspective on things, and sometimes that can be very refreshing. I can totally see Petunia and Hestia having the sort of friendship that could last for a really, really long time, given the opportunity. :D
Vernon truly is ungrateful. Probably he wants to drive them (=the wizards) to the breaking point so they would abandon them, which only would reinforce his bad opinion of them ...
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
I think there is a lot of that happening in his head. He may not consciously realize that's what he's doing, but he really emotionally doesn't know how to handle kindness from the world he despises and that he's only ever thought the worst of before. :(
Ah, Petunia learned that how she treated Harry is known in the wizarding world. I'm glad she felt ashamed.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
Yeah, she's slowly beginning to understand exactly how awful her treatment of Harry really was, and how people outside her home look at it. And for the first time, she's in a position where she can actually understand those views and realize--and accept--that she was wrong. Maybe once she can come to terms with that, she can manage having a relationship with her nephew that is better for BOTH of them than the one they had previously--if he's still interested.
Oh, I bet there's a boggart in that trunk!
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
*grins* Shhhh... lol.
Vernon is dreaming himself away in his chair and Petunia is trying the best she can to occupy herself. By holding contact with the only one she has on the outside and reading everything she can get a hold on.And bit by bit her prejudices are melting away. Which makes her a traitor in Vernon's eyes.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
Right, exactly. Poor Vernon... I almost do feel bad for him, because he's just creating his own hell, not making anything better by refusing to acknowledge what's happening around him and alienating his wife in the process. :(
A longer double chapter - *huggles and truggles Thanks! Sara
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
*grins* You're welcome!! :D I felt like these two chapters really needed to be together--they're not as good split apart, somehow. Lol. I'm glad you enjoyed them! *hugs*
Such a sad situation to be in. I hope Petunia finds happiness in the end.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
It is sad--and the war's far from over at this point, so there's still plenty of story left to tell. *hugs Petunia*
Poor Petunia. And in a way, she's reaping what she herself had sown all those years ago...she deliberately chose a man who was dead-set against wizards and everything to do with them, who would vindicate her own resentment. Now she's changing the way she thinks, but Vernon is still the man he was when they married.I can't wait to see where Petunia's personal journey eventually ends up taking her.
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
You're exactly right--she chose him because he was this way, except she never thought that he'd ever have reason to be this way toward her. Suddenly she's finding herself not hating magic or the magical world, and in fact managing to find friends in that world, to find a place for herself among magical things, and he's not handling it well at all, but this is who he's always been. Unfortunately, Petunia's quickly discovering that she can't have both Vernon and the wizarding world without there being major conflicts.
If Hestia thinks telephones are confusing, wait until she encounters a Muggle with a bluetooth! She'll probably think he's crazy and talking to the air... 
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
LOL. I know I totally did. When those things first came out I spent half of my daily commute thinking the people walking past me were entirely out of their minds. Lol.
Oh man, I hope Dudley brought his Smeltings stick with him when they moved to the safehouse...I can think of some very satisfying things he could do to Vernon with it right now! 
Still, clearing the air like that might just possibly be what saves their marriage. Get rid of all that festering poison and resentment and maybe finally really talk to one another. One can hope.I still think Dudley needs to use that stick, though!
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
LOL! I agree. I'm sure Dudley could find a decent substitute somewhere. :D That chair leg Petunia was wielding in the attic, maybe. *is evil*
It's so sad that Petunia couldn't have made this breakthrough when her sister was still alive...they could have shared so much. And how interesting that Petunia "was told" that her parents died in a car crash shortly before Lily's death. What if they had been targeted by Death Eaters as well, and since Petunia had cut all ties with her sister she never knew what really happened? Or maybe it really was a car crash and I'm reading way too much into one little sentence. I do that. 
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
No, that's kind of what I wanted to imply--that she really doesn't know. She was told it was a car crash, but it came so close to Lily's death, and to suddenly be robbed of her parents like that when Lily is in the middle of fighting in a dangerous war against people who couldn't care less about killing a couple Muggles... well, I'd be pretty suspicious too. She doesn't really have any proof, but in my head, she's always suspected that wizards had something to do with it, and resented them all the more for it.
I hope Petunia will teach Dudley how to play chess! Not only is that little chess set very cool, but chess would be an excellent way to teach Dudley how to think. And it would be a way for Petunia to be close to her son without smothering him, very important when dealing with teenagers!
Response from JackieJLH (Author of Filling in the Spaces)
The chess set is going away for a little while, but it will definitely be back--those little chess pieces are really fun to write! :D