Chapter Eight: Confessions and Desires

Chapter Eight: Confessions and Desires

Severus begins to plot. Confessions are made.

(i) The characters and world of Harry Potter are the property of J.K. Rowling. I just amuse myself with them.

(ii) Thank you everyone for the reviews. Please, please do continue to let me know what you think of the story.

(iii) And last, but not least, a big thank you to my beta, Queen_of_Stars.

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Severus Snape was rarely surprised or caught off guard. If questioned, and it was unlikely that anyone would ever attempt such a blatantly self-destructive manoeuvre, Severus could count the occasions he had been taken by surprise on the fingers of one hand with digits to spare.

The first had been when he'd been saved by James Potter from a transforming Lupin. He had thought that he was going to die that night; being saved at the last minute had come as a shock. Dumbledore's behaviour towards the murder attempt had not been a revelation, for he had already known that rules did not apply to the golden ones, and he would always be seen as the one at fault.

The second time he'd been surprised was when the Potter brat had survived. He had not thought it possible for anyone, much less a child, to survive the Dark Lord's killing curse. That Dumbledore would fail had been an easy assumption to make; even as he pledged to turn spy for the Order, he had known that the chances of anything he cared about, even distantly, to survive the poison of his affection was unlikely.

Today, however, had been filled with one surprise after another. For one thing, he was alive. He had not – even in his wildest dreams – expected to make it through the final confrontation. He had felt that death was imminent, and although he had not wanted it, he had accepted it as his due for a life lived in misery. His mother's words, his second chance at life, and knowledge of the Dark Veela curse had hit him with as much shock as a Bludger to the stomach. Now came the knowledge that he was free, that he was being lauded as a hero and that he was officially pardoned for the murder of Dumbledore.

I have a life, thought Severus. I have a life to live as I see fit!

As he lay in the comfort of the Malfoys' summer guest-room, Severus decided that from that day forward he would do whatever was necessary to ensure his happiness. He would heed the words of his mother. He would attempt to find true love, and if that was not possible, he would at least make sure that he carried on the Snape name. He was a war hero, and if that could not get him a willing wife, then he didn't know what would.

Deep in his heart, Severus still believed that it was unlikely that he would ever find true love. This belief stemmed from the fear that he was incapable of love. The only woman Severus had ever loved was Lily, and she was dead. Severus knew that Lily, his so-called love, had never really loved him in return.

An heir, however, now that dream was attainable. Severus realised that he now had a real position of power and the prestige to make that goal a reality. As a Headmaster of Hogwarts, who had been accepted by the castle, Severus was confident that he could find a woman willing to marry him and bear his offspring. He smirked to himself. He would take advantage of the public gratitude of Potter and Granger and make the most of being the dark hero and dashing spy. He was Slytherin enough to make use of all the weapons that were now in his arsenal. After successfully fooling the Dark Lord for many years, getting the Order, the Boy-Who-Lived and his little circle of friends to ensure his scheme would play out successfully would be a pleasant walk in the park. They owed him, and he was not above making sure that they delivered. Feeling much more content now that he had come to some kind of decision, Severus succumbed to his much needed rest.

When Severus woke up, it was to see Lucius peering over him. As Severus' eyes slowly opened, Lucius smirked in what for him was a friendly manner.

'Ah,' Lucius said needlessly. 'I am glad you're awake. Cissy has been keen to feed you and has been planning something special to tempt your appetite.'

Severus grunted in response. He was rather famished. The soup he had had this afternoon had been filling, but proper food would not go amiss. Looking around, he tried to ascertain the time. Failing, he asked, 'What's the time?'

'You've been asleep for hours,' replied Lucius smugly. 'It's just gone eight in the evening.'

Sitting up, Severus enquired, 'Any news following the press conference?'

'None directly, but apparently Potter has informed McGonagall and Shacklebolt of your survival. If Headmaster Black is to be believed, Potter has taken Dumbledore to task in an extremely satisfying manner.' Lucius smirked before continuing, 'Headmaster Black is waiting to speak to you, if you're up to making the walk to the ballroom.'

Severus nodded. He felt quite strong, considering the fact that he'd been revived from death less than twenty-four hours previously. 'Perhaps I could have something to eat,' suggested Severus. Glancing down at the nightshirt he had on, he added, 'Something more suitable to wear wouldn't be amiss either.'

'Of course,' said Lucius graciously. 'I'll have the house-elves bring you something.'

Soon, Severus was dressed in what was clearly one of Lucius' dark green and silver silk dressing gowns. Smirking in amusement at the obviously Slytherin colours, Severus joined Lucius, who was waiting for him on the landing. As they made their way down the stairs, they met a just awakened Draco.

'Godfather, it's good to see you up and walking,' greeted the boy haltingly.

'It's good to be up,' said Severus. His second chance at life seemed to have mellowed his all encompassing anger; Severus no longer felt infuriated at the boy's obvious lack of ease given the nature of their long and complicated relationship.

As they reached the ground floor, they were soon joined by Narcissa, who had been waiting for them in the drawing-room. Together, the four made their way to the adjoining dining-room. To Severus' perceptive eye, the room itself looked very different from his last visit to the Manor during the Dark Lord's stay. Amazed at how quickly the Malfoys had managed to alter the room's décor, Severus smirked inwardly and complimented Narcissa. 'The room looks wonderful, Narcissa. It's such a dramatic change within mere hours if I'm not mistaken.'

'You are not,' said Narcissa. Smiling wickedly, she added, 'I thought white would be a suitable colour, given our acceptance of all things Light.'

Severus chuckled. 'Quite so.' He made it a point to note the changes. He realised that if his mission to secure a wife and heir were to succeed, then Spinner's End would have to be similarly transformed from the home of an obviously Dark and single wizard into one that was more suitable for the opposite sex. The room's dark wood panelling had been replaced by a pale-gold pine finish. The walls, which had previously been hung with rich, green silk, were now covered in a warm off-white cloth. The drapes had been altered to take on a rich cream and gold design. All in all, the space had been transformed from a dark, opulent chamber into a light and sumptuous area.

'You were always good at Transfiguration,' continued Severus once he had finished taking note of the changes to the room.

Narcissa blushed becomingly at his compliment. 'I've only been good at the most superficial of transfigurations, Severus. I've never managed to get the human or animal ones perfected.'

'Don't sell yourself short, my dear,' interjected Lucius.

'Indeed,' agreed Severus. 'It takes both skill and an excellent eye for detail to transform something like this in the short space of time that you had.'

Turning to Lucius while the house-elves brought their dinner, he asked, 'What are your plans?'

Lucius Malfoy seemed taken aback at Severus' direct address. Then, as if realising the futility of evading the issue, and realising that Severus was the one person who could help him the most, he said, 'I'm not sure. From what I've heard so far, the public has done nothing but celebrate all day. Tomorrow, once trading commences, I will know how the defeat has affected Malfoy Industries and Holdings.' Regaining his usual smug manner, Lucius continued. 'Our elf-made wines and meads have been selling well. I suppose every cloud does have a silver lining.'

Severus smirked before nodding in agreement. There really wasn't anything to say at this stage.

Dinner was, as usual, up to the Malfoys' excellent standards. The starter of freshwater prawns in a creamy garlic sauce was delicious. Severus had always enjoyed dining at the Manor. Narcissa was always a wonderful hostess, and her taste in food was both exotic and excellent. Next came an aromatic baked chicken and rice dish. At Severus' appreciative murmur, Narcissa explained that it was a Spanish treat that they had enjoyed while holidaying in Costa del Sol a few years ago. The finale was a simple but suitably delicious indulgence of Cinnamon Chocolate Pudding.

Once dinner was concluded and Draco had been excused, Severus and his hosts made their way into the ballroom. They were informed by Phineas Nigellus that the children were still asleep at Hogwarts, but that Potter had indicated that he was keen to return to Grimmauld Place with Miss Granger. Miss Lovegood was planning on finding her father, who had been released from Azkaban. Severus was fully informed of Potter's verbal attack and denouncement of Dumbledore, as well as of Lovegood and Granger's stringent support. The most important bit of news to Severus was that Kingsley had been made aware that he was residing at Malfoy Manor.

Thanking the former Headmaster, who had expressed his pleasure at the Slytherin's role in the victory, they retired once more to the drawing room where the trio passed a contented evening.

The next few days seemed to pass by in a blur. Severus spent much of the time resting, planning and trying to come to grips with the vision of his mother and the task that lay before him. Meanwhile, Lucius and Narcissa continued to redecorate and ensure their place in wizarding society. This caused Severus much amusement, but he realised the importance of outward as well as inward demonstrations of their changed attitudes.

One morning, nearly a week after the final battle, Severus was just returning from an invigorating morning walk in the Malfoy gardens. The day was already proving to be hot and sunny. On entering the grand orangery, Severus was invited by Lucius to partake of a cup of coffee. This in itself was not uncommon, for Lucius made it a habit to come across Severus most mornings to share a conversation or piece of news. However, Lucius' formal invitation to join him in refreshment immediately alerted Severus that something was amiss.

Once Severus was seated, Lucius silently handed him a heavy parchment envelope. Raising his eyebrow in enquiry, Severus opened it to reveal an official Ministry communiqué. Reading the missive, he informed a waiting Lucius, 'The Ministry is holding a Victory Ball on Saturday, on the twenty-third of May. All three of you are invited as my hosts.'

'Indeed,' replied Lucius, who seemed gratified at the Malfoys' inclusion.

'I suspect that Kingsley has had a hand in the guest list,' said Severus. 'He would not miss the opportunity to ensure that the public is made aware of your capitulation.'

Lucius laughed bitterly before he continued gravely, 'I would be foolish if I were to refuse. In truth, I am glad I was too busy worrying about Draco to participate in the battle. Enough people saw me rushing around with Cissy in desperation, looking for him, to realise we didn't fight.'

Then, after a short pause, he continued, 'The news from our brethren is not good. Of those who survived and managed to escape Hogwarts after the Dark Lord's demise, Rabastan and Rodolphus have been killed. They were surrounded by Aurors on the outskirts of Kirkcaldy three days ago. Yaxley, Travers and Thorfinn Rowle are in Azkaban, awaiting trial. Dolohov, the Carrows, Avery and Jugson were killed by Belgian Aurors when they tried to cross over to Belgium. Goyle and his son are at St. Mungo's, awaiting transfer to Azkaban. Crabbe is at St. Dymphna, and from what I have been able to gather, he is unlikely to recover to the point where he will be able to stand trial. His wife, Edwina, has abandoned Crabbe Manor and moved in with her unmarried sister in Koblenz, Germany. McNair, Mulciber, Nott Senior, Rosier and Selwyn are currently entrenched in Nott Castle in Inverness. The Aurors are confident that they cannot hold out for much longer. Rookwood is the only one unaccounted for. I suspect he has managed to make it to France, but I doubt he will be able to evade the Aurors for much longer if he is using magic. The Death Eaters are truly no more; it is the ending of an era.'

'Then we are free from reprisals and retaliations,' said Severus thoughtfully. 'I am safe to return to Spinner's End.'

'If you had wanted to leave, the Ministry would have given you enough protection to make it possible, but is it not simpler and more convenient to stay here? You know Narcissa and I are glad to have you. We owe you much more than our simple hospitality.'

'Thank you, old friend,' said Severus, 'but I would like to return home to my books, my potions and my solitude; they are waiting for me.'

'At least let Cissy and the elves help you resettle if you are insistent on returning. And please, do make it a point to come round for meals as often as you can. Narcissa has been given strict instructions to feed you and help you regain your strength. Healer Lestrange was most adamant about you needing plenty of nutrition.'

Severus agreed to do so. He knew that Lucius was genuinely keen to do what he could to repay the debts the Malfoys owed him. The two men lapsed into silence. Severus thought about the end of his so-called associates and the things that needed to be done to make his old home more habitable.

The silence was broken by Lucius' sigh. Then, as if coming to a decision, he began, 'I have a favour to ask of you, old friend.'

This direct approach was a glaringly unSlytherin tactic, but the last few days had seen a change in their dealings. Both men had begun to speak more openly. Their general penchant for subterfuge and deception seemed to have been abandoned for the time being.

Rubbing his temples as though warding off an imminent headache, Lucius continued speaking. 'Yesterday, Cissy went to London to do some shopping. She returned in tears because Madam Genevieve of Luxury and Lace snubbed her, saying she had nothing new for traitors. Apparently, Madam Genevieve stated she was busy designing custom-made tokens for the real heroes of the Battle of Hogwarts. I suspect the Ministry may have leaked its plans to hold a Victory Ball, and the couturiers are desperately trying to have their designs worn by the now famous and fashionable.'

'Hypocrites, the lot of them,' said Severus darkly. 'If the Dark Lord had been victorious, the general public would have continued to kiss Narcissa's boots in order to curry favour with the favourites.' Stroking his pursed lips with his long and slender index finger, Severus thought of how he could assist the Malfoys. Coming to a decision that seemed to satisfy him, Severus spoke, 'As a glorified hero of the final battle, I think it would be useful if I were to do some shopping in London tomorrow. Perhaps Narcissa could be persuaded to help me chose fitting robes for the Victory Ball? It might be interesting to see if I can find something other than the usual black I always wear.'

Lucius smirked. 'I knew I could count on you, old chap,' said Lucius gratefully. 'Cissy has been after you for years to introduce a bit of colour into your wardrobe; this is sure to cheer her up.'

Severus smirked. 'Indeed,' he said. 'I will confess that it seems unlikely that I will settle for anything other than black, but I'm sure the challenge will be beneficial to the task ahead.'

Lucius laughed, and Severus joined him with a deep chuckle. Their shared amusement drew the attention of Narcissa, who was busy making lists and drawing up plans for menus in the morning room.

Seeing the men lingering over coffee, Narcissa joined them.

Thinking it would be a good moment to discuss his own quest, Severus casually observed, 'We've been invited to the Victory Ball at the Ministry on the twenty-third. I'm quite pleased I've not been asked to bring along a partner.'

Narcissa's eyes lit up at the mention of a ball, but then, as if remembering the day before, she said more soberly, 'I'll have to go to Paris to buy something to wear; I've not really kept up with this season's ballroom fashions.'

'Perhaps you could help me find something in London before you head off to Paris,' said Severus. 'I feel the need to deviate from my dark and gloomy dungeon-dweller attire.'

'Oh, Severus,' laughed Narcissa. 'You know you cut a striking figure, but a change, perhaps some colour, would really make a difference.'

Lucius had begun to smirk with Severus' introduction of the ball, and he was almost grinning with glee after hearing Narcissa's laughter. Severus had never really paid much attention to how little he had to do to please his old friends, for friends they had indeed proved to be. Though he had used the words previously, he had used them cynically in an attempt to flatter and gain favour. Now, however, Severus realised that he had been actively working to distance them from him. Perhaps, he mused, I have been pushing other people away too. However, now that he was aware of the curse, its impact on his behaviour and immediate responses to people could be monitored and curbed.

'A striking figure,' said Severus in disbelief. 'You jest, my dear. Have you not heard? My career at Hogwarts has seen me dubbed the greasy git, the bat of the dungeons, the–'

Narcissa interrupted him, 'I'm not speaking about children, or even malicious and jealous men. I'm speaking about women, Severus. If you tried, you could really be quite attractive in a dark and dangerous kind of way.'

'Dark and dangerous? What on earth are you on about? I've been dark and dangerous since the day I arrived in Hogwarts, and the look has never been attractive. Have you not paid attention to my permanently single status?'

Lucius barked in amusement. 'You've always been completely oblivious to the curious and fearful glances of women, Severus.'

Narcissa nodded. 'Yes, all fear is not a sign of your unattractiveness, but a sign of you arousing their darker, deeper and baser curiosity.'

'Baser curiosity, hmm...' said Severus in astonishment. 'Really, Narcissa, you women are strange creatures indeed.' After a moment's pause, Severus continued, 'I think I shall have to ask you both for some solid advice about women. Since we are being so frank, I must confess that now that the war is over, and I am able to live my own life, the thought of a family and the companionship you both enjoy has started to grow upon me.'

'Oh Severus!' said Narcissa in rapture. 'I am so pleased. It will give me the greatest pleasure to help with finding you the perfect wife. We'll have such fun. All the balls that are sure to come up in response to the end of the war will provide you with the ideal opportunity to cast your net.' Turning to Lucius, she said, 'Once things settle down a little, we could even have one here in Malfoy Manor. We could invite loads of eligible young ladies, and...'

'Let's not be too hasty,' said Severus, slightly taken aback at Narcissa's enthusiasm.

Lucius seemed to understand Severus' reluctance, for he laid a gentle arm on Narcissa before speaking. 'No worries, old chap. We won't throw you to the wolves. We are both just pleased you're thinking about finding someone, and we'll be more than happy to help screen potential possibilities.'

'Indeed,' said Severus. 'The first order of business, of course, is for me to get settled into Hogwarts again and make sure the school is up and running. Only then can I think about looking for a suitable partner.'

'Of course,' said Lucius. He glanced sharply at Narcissa, who looked keen to disagree, and added, 'you can help bring respectability back to the Malfoy name, and Narcissa and I can guide you're progress in finding a suitable wife. I think that's a satisfactory arrangement.'

'Indeed it is,' said Severus. He had begun to think that the new world he found himself in had put old Slytherin relationships off kilter. This settling of arrangements helped ease his conscience. Seeing their friendship and their partnership of mutual usefulness regained, Severus felt reassured. Lucius seemed much more content as well.