The Expectation of Hope

Chapter 4: The Expectation of Hope

A lot of memories were modified that day.

The immediate staff of the Post-Anesthesia Recovery Suite, a crowd of the curious from the OR, a dozen hospital security guards and a handful of Muggle police were all tended to by Ministry Obliviators. By the time a television news team showed up to investigate the rumored ruckus at London Heart Hospital, not a soul recalled anything extraordinary about the day, other than the fact that a department supervisor had taken ill and left the premises.

While all this was going on, I was sitting in Georgia Tate's office. Remus had deposited me there when my legs began to tremble almost to the point where I could no longer stand. It was shock, he assured me, although I'd already figured that out for myself. And so we huddled in the office while the corridor swarmed with Ministry officials and Tonks and Shacklebolt tried to keep the chaos under control. I sipped a glass of water Remus brought me and thought over the events of the past ten minutes.

"Is Georgia dead?" I wanted to know the answer, but dreaded hearing it just the same.

"I honestly don't know," Remus answered gently. He sat down in Georgia's desk chair and leaned forward to clasp my free hand. "You said the light from his wand was red, so it was likely a Stunner, not the Killing Curse. On the other hand, we don't know what damage was done. She'll get good care at St. Mungo's, Kailin."

I was skeptical. "This is the first time you've ever had anything good to say about St. Mungo's."

Remus raised one eyebrow and gave me a wry smile. "Let me rephrase that. If you're not a werewolf, you get good care at St. Mungo's."

"I thought no one else would have to get involved," I said after a moment. "I didn't want anyone to get hurt. That wasn't very realistic, was it?"

"It's a war, dearest."

"If you want to say I told you so, I wouldn't blame you," I muttered.

"Why would I do that?"

I'd been studying my glass with more concentration than it warranted, and now I looked up at my husband, hoping that he wasn't teasing me. His expression was perfectly serious. "Because you didn't like this plan to begin with. Because if I hadn't gone through with this, Georgia would be sitting here right now."

Remus squeezed my hand, his face grave. "Don't second guess yourself, Kailin. I've tried it, and it doesn't work. Trust me."

There was a knock on the doorframe and Tonks peered inside. "How are you doing, Kailin? Are you all right?"

"Just dandy," I said faintly.

She came into the office and patted me encouragingly on the shoulder. "You were magnificent," she told me. "Tossing the bleach at Malfoy was bloody brilliant, you know that?"

"There aren't a lot of weapons to be had around here," I pointed out.

"Well, it was inspired. His hair didn't need the bleach job, of course, but you definitely lightened the shade of his clothes!"

I couldn't help but laugh at the notion of Lucius Malfoy wearing all white; he'd look like a deranged angel. "I just wish you'd gotten here earlier. I could have done without the suspense."

Tonks perched on the edge of Georgia's desk. "Lucky that Kingsley and I were upstairs with Remus when you called."

"I thought you weren't planning to be here."

"We weren't," said Tonks, shrugging. "It was just a hunch. When Malfoy didn't return to the Ministry after the Hogwarts Express left, Kingsley decided that we'd better check things out here."

"It's a good thing you did," Remus told her.

"We got down here just as Malfoy showed up," Tonks said matter-of-factly. "I saw him curse that woman and chase after you, Kailin."

"I wanted to draw him away from everybody," I explained. "And I thought if I could buy some time, Remus might have time to get downstairs and help me."

"Very smart move." Tonks nodded approvingly. "Gave me time to play along with the situation a bit."

"What do you mean, 'play along with the situation'?" Remus looked up at once.

"I wanted to see if I could use the situation to our advantage. Kailin boxed herself in, and Malfoy started toying with her. When he began to incriminate himself, I decided to hold off intervening as long as I could."

My husband stared at her. "Let me get this straight: Kailin was in danger, and you waited to help her until Malfoy confessed?"

"Getting him to confess was the whole idea of the operation, Remus," Tonks reminded him.

"And the idea was also for Kailin to be miles away from Lucius Malfoy," Remus said through gritted teeth.

Tonks glared at him. "We're not amateurs, you know. This was a professional operation, but there's never a guarantee that things will go exactly according to plan!"

"I think that would be a gross understatement," Remus said, his voice icy.

"Hey, you two..." Kingsley Shacklebolt appeared at the office door, a scowl on his face. "Keep it down, will you? These Obliviators aren't a happy lot to begin with."

"What do I do now? Make my statement?" I'd had enough confrontation to last a lifetime, and even Remus and Tonks sniping at each other was like rubbing salt into a raw wound. Right now, I just wanted to go home.

"Yes," Kingsley nodded. "Tonks, can you take care of that?"

Remus climbed to his feet. "I'm taking my wife home. You can talk to her later at the flat."

Tonks and Shacklebolt exchanged glances before nodding agreement. "Would it be all right if we stopped by this evening?" Kingsley asked, trying to smooth the ruffled feathers.

"That's fine." Remus turned to me. "Kailin, do I need to ask someone's permission for you to leave work? Not that it matters. You're going, and that's that."

"I'll leave a note on Georgia's desk," I said listlessly. "Someone will find it."

And I scribbled a letter to the effect that I'd felt ill and was going home. By the time I collected my purse, the majority of the staff in the Recovery ward was already back at work.

*****

I spent the remainder of the day in bed, a living, breathing example of how stress causes physical exhaustion. Even the simple act of sitting up to eat a bowl of soup for lunch seemed to require an excessive amount of energy, and I crawled back under the covers until late afternoon when Tonks and Shacklebolt showed up to take my statement.

Remus was all for putting this off another day, but I wanted to get it over and done with. At least he had calmed down about the way Tonks handled the situation at the hospital, deciding that an Auror's professional judgment was probably trustworthy after all. He offered a brief apology shortly after the two arrived.

"No problem, Remus," Tonks assured him. "I would have reacted the same way if I'd been in your shoes."

Writing my statement took only thirty minutes or so. I'd gone over the process with Kingsley and Tonks while we were still in the planning stages. Even though the plan had not gone as anticipated, the end results were the same. We finished just as it grew dark outside.

"Will you two be in any trouble?" I asked. Neither Tonks nor Shacklebolt had so far mentioned any fallout from our unsanctioned little operation. I was sure that precipitating a major breach of the Statute of Secrecy wouldn't bode well for them.

Kingsley chuckled mirthlessly. "You won't believe this, Kailin. It hasn't hit the papers yet, but everyone's so happy to be rid of Malfoy that our boss is now in the running to be the next Minister of Magic."

"Scrimgeour?" Remus asked, surprised.

"Yeah," Tonks snorted. "We made him look good, didn't we? It's the first real progress against Voldemort in months, of course, and now his name's apparently at the top of the list."

The Evening Prophet arrived while the pair was still at the flat, and Remus unrolled the wizarding newspaper, displaying the headlines for all to see.

"'Malfoy Arrested on Muggle Harassment Charges'? It should read, 'Malfoy Arrested on Charges of Attempted Murder,'" Tonks complained. "Those people at the Prophet are such idiots..."

"Not to worry," Kingsley told her, waving the parchment that contained my statement. "This time tomorrow, the Prophet will have lots more to say about Mr. Malfoy."

"True. Are you planning to go back to work tomorrow, Kailin? You still look a bit peaky."

"I want to go back," I said at once. "The longer I stay away, the harder it will be for me to face going back in there."

"I'd rather you stayed home one more day," Remus commented, with the resigned air of a man who knows his argument is futile.

"Yeah, how about it?" Tonks said brightly. "I could pop by the hospital and make a few adjustments to your work schedule. Would you like the rest of the week off?"

"Thanks, but I really think I want to go back and get it over with. The thing is, what do I say to people?"

Kingsley shrugged. "Doesn't matter. You'll be the only one who remembers what went on there today."

"At least Georgia's going to be all right." The last word from St. Mungo's was that Georgia would be released in a day or two. Learning that my boss had suffered no major injuries from Malfoy's curse was the best news of the day. Her memory would be modified, of course, but at least she was alive.

*****

The next day turned out to be more stressful than I would have ever believed.

There was literally no clue that anything unusual had happened in the Post-Anesthesia Recovery Suite. The same staff I'd seen shrink from Malfoy and scream in horror behaved as though the most dramatic event of the previous day was that the hospital had begun serving Mexican cuisine in the cafeteria. It was bizarre to watch my co-workers behave almost abnormally normal. After a while, it made me want to scream. I'd been attacked in this very location twenty-four hours ago, but that fact was no longer a part of their reality. Although I had wanted the diversion that work would bring, I found it hard to concentrate. My mind seemed to wander of its own accord. More than once I had to literally tell myself to focus on whatever task was at hand.

Physically, the Post-Anesthesia area was in fine shape. Doors that had been blown off their hinges now hung straight and level, and even the storeroom looked no different than usual. The Ministry had done a fine job restoring the space, but what they hadn't seen fit to dispel was the lingering odor of bleach. I don't know if I was more sensitive to it because of yesterday's events, or if it was stronger than usual. At any rate, the smell promptly sent me to the bathroom to lose my breakfast. One of the other nurses, a middle-aged woman named Frannie, regarded me sympathetically as I hung over the sink in the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face.

"Affected me the same way," she told me. "Perhaps some dry crackers would help. Want me to see if I can round up a few for you?"

"What?" I tried to process her words as I fumbled for a paper towel.

"Couldn't stand that bleachy odor when I was pregnant. Had to practically put a clothespin on my nose for the first few months."

"But I'm not pregnant," I protested at once.

"Oh." Frannie looked nonplussed. "Are you sure?"

I could only stare at her, trying to correlate dates and memories while my stomach threatened to revolt once more. When my shift ended hours later, I headed straight for the pharmacy instead of bolting for the Tube.

"How was your day?" Remus wanted to know as soon as I walked in the front door of the flat. "You look exhausted. You really should have stayed home today, you know."

"I'm fine," I muttered, pausing long enough to hug my husband before making my way to the bathroom, my purchase in hand.

"Dinner's ready, but you need to see the Daily Prophet first – morning and evening editions."

"Be there in a sec."

My hands shook as I unwrapped the home pregnancy kit and tried to familiarize myself with the directions. It wasn't easy; my thoughts were leaping wildly from what Remus would say, to whether it would be a boy or a girl, to what if I wasn't pregnant after all? When I left the bathroom a few minutes later, I felt the most peculiar sense of detachment that can only result from one's life changing radically.

"Here you go." Remus, looking pleased as punch, held the wizarding paper out to me.

"Could I read it later?" I took the newspaper but didn't unroll it.

"Of course. To sum it up," he said smugly, "no one wants to admit to being hoodwinked by Lucius Malfoy's transformation from bad boy to paragon of virtue. The Department for Magical Law Enforcement is now the darling of public opinion, and its head, Rufus Scrimgeour, is likely to be named Minister of Magic tomorrow. Tonks and Shacklebolt are furious, of course. After all, it was your idea and their hard work, but they'll likely get nothing more than pats on the head and a stern warning about unauthorized entrapment plans. And now the Evening Prophet is reporting that an unnamed Muggle woman accused Lucius Malfoy of attempting to kill her last spring by setting fire to the cottage where she was staying, and that Malfoy came after her yesterday at her workplace."

When Remus paused for breath, I reached up to place my hand over his mouth.

"Remus. Stop."

"Stop?" He regarded me curiously.

"Do you remember, back in the spring, when we talked about having a family?"

"Of course."

"Well, we're having one."

A sudden silence descended.

"I'm pregnant," I added, when the stunned expression on Remus' face indicated that he hadn't quite grasped what I was telling him.

If I'd been in the mood for revenge at that moment, I couldn't have asked for a better reaction. Remus' jaw dropped abruptly, then floundered up and down for several seconds; he blinked, apparently in an attempt to refocus his eyes. Finally, he managed to force air past his vocal cords. "You're pregnant?" he sputtered.

I nodded, waiting anxiously to see what happened next. The world's widest grin spread over my face. "Is it all right? I mean, I didn't plan to get pregnant just now..."

"A baby!" Remus' voice quivered with emotion. "We're going to have a baby."

I couldn't stop the burble of laughter that escaped me. "You're going to be a father. And I'm going to be a mother," I added needlessly.

"But this means that you were pregnant yesterday."

"Of course," I agreed.

"Kailin... Damn it!" Remus exploded, one hand flying to rub his forehead and the other akimbo on his waist.

I felt my stomach sink abruptly to the floor; I was quite sure that it had nothing to do with the hormones of pregnancy.

"I don't understand. You were taking that pill."

"I was. It must have been the food poisoning. I must have thrown up the pill and didn't get enough of the hormones to prevent a pregnancy."

"Do you realize that you could have died yesterday?" Remus snapped. I could see the naked fear in his expression.

"Of course I realize it. I was there."

"I could have lost you! I could have lost both you and a baby I didn't even know about! Just when did you find out that you were pregnant?"

"A whole five minutes ago," I retorted. "Do you think I would have gone through with everything yesterday if I had known?"

"I don't know. Would you?"

I paled at the clearly accusing note in his voice. "I can't believe that you would ask me that. You evidently don't know me very well, do you?"

Remus opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I stalked away to the bedroom, hurling the Daily Prophet across the room as I went.

Once in the bedroom, I slammed the door shut and dropped wearily onto the bed. It was dusk, the late summer daylight fading away earlier and earlier each day. As I stretched out, cradling the pillow beneath my head, I thought how nice it would be to have a good cry. Trouble was, I'd already depleted a goodly supply of tears over the past two days, and to succumb to histrionics again seemed more defeat than release. My husband's light tap at the bedroom door, moments later, did little to improve my spirits.

"What?" I grumbled, barely loud enough to be heard.

"Kailin..." Remus slipped quietly inside the room. "I'm so sorry. I know you weren't expecting that reaction from me."

"Well, that's an understatement."

"I'm sorry. It was just such unexpected news."

"You think?" I said sarcastically, still not bothering to sit up. "I want an apology, Remus. You actually think I would have knowingly endangered our unborn child, just to allow Lucius Malfoy to chase me around the storeroom at work?"

"I did say sorry twice," Remus pointed out. It was apparently a blind, ill-timed stab at injecting some humor in the situation. I could almost hear the smile fade from his voice. When he spoke again, his voice was low and intense. "God in heaven, Kailin, do you have any idea how frightened I was? How frightened I am?"

"I suppose it may be about as how frightened I was. And how frightened I am." I sighed and patted the bed next to me. "Please?"

Remus came over and crawled onto the bed, curling up behind me. He draped one arm over me, and I took his hand and placed it on my lower stomach.

"R.J.," I murmured, "this is our child. Child, this is your silly father who can't get over the notion that life might actually turn out well for him."

There was silence, except for the tell-tale shaking of my husband's shoulders as he wept.