Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Hermione woke up with a stretch that she normally would not indulge. But this particular morning was absolutely delicious. Her body felt warm and relaxed. She yawned and thought of Severus, and how he had made love to her. She felt honored to have been the woman to take his virginity. She relished in the details of his discovery, the looks on his face as he experienced being inside a woman for the first time. Hermione's face felt warm. She wondered if she were blushing. She turned over to reach out for Severus, and he was gone.

Her hand felt along where he had lain, and it was cold. She was a little panicked, but told herself he had returned to his bed. How confusing to Eugene would it be to find them naked in bed together! She got up and threw on her robe. She had an urge to know where Severus was. She went into his bedroom, and it was empty. She went over to the bed and saw how neatly it was made. She had her own unique style of making beds that was different from Severus', and this bed had not been touched.

Maybe he's in the kitchen or the sitting room, she told herself. She went to check on Eugene, who was just beginning to stir but not quite awake.

She went slowly into the sitting room and saw it was empty. The kitchen, likewise, was untouched. Hermione sat at the table and nervously chewed her nails. There was no coffee, no breakfast in progress; nothing was out of order. Slowly, she made way to the mudroom, where just the night before they had sated each other's lust until they could go to bed and truly make love. She looked up at the coat rack and saw her coat, cloak, and Eugene's school coat, but there was a gaping space where she had placed Severus' cloak last night.

He was gone.

Hermione felt she had lost all feeling in her face and hands. Her chest felt as if it was being crushed, and she couldn't breathe. She felt an animal was in her stomach, gnawing at it, and her feet felt like lead.

She stood there for a long time in total shock. Why did he leave me? she thought again and again. He had told her the most beautiful things. He had asked her to stay and never leave him. He had told her his saddest story of how he had been tricked into believing the school beauty was interested in him. He had told her he was lonely and tired of being alone.

A stone sank into the pit of her stomach, and tears began to fall from her eyes. She stumbled to the nearest chair at her dining table and cried. He had left her. Just when she thought she had found what she had wished for so long. She thought she had finally found a love like Harry and Ginny, a lover who would take his time and slowly enjoy her. Now it had all been a delusion.

Still, she was confused. She got up and quickly went to her bedroom to hastily wash up and put on a pair of jeans and a jumper. She pulled back her hair into a shape that was between a bun and a ponytail. She went out to the kitchen and started Eugene's breakfast. He came out tired and yawning. Hermione silently made breakfast and served him.

"Where's Severus?" he asked innocently.

Hermione felt the tears sliding down her face. She turned from him and said as cheerfully as she could, "I don't know. Perhaps he had some things he needed to do, or perhaps he decided on an early morning walk." Of course! she thought happily. How could I've been so stupid? He must be out walking. After all, that's what he does to help him clear his head. And he did make love for the first time last night. There's bound to be a lot of emotions churning inside him!

She turned back, smiling like her normal self and ate a decent amount of her breakfast. She got him off to school and then waited at the picture window for the black-clad figure to come walking back into the house. The hours ticked by, and Hermione's hopes were dashed. She sat on the couch and cried. She could still smell his scent on her. Where was he?

She bolted upright, and her brown eyes narrowed. He had better not be there. Not there, not after everything they had been through. Not after Harry had come and all the silent walks and the time she had spent talking and listening.

"SON-OF-A-BITCH!" she screamed as she stomped off to the mudroom. She ripped her coat from the wall, Apparated to the safe zone near his house, and stalked over to the front door. She eased herself inside and heard his voice, deep and pleading. Then he stopped speaking, and she halted her steps. She heard the distinct sound of a quill scratching on paper. She carefully proceeded towards the master bedroom where Snape had occupied and kept that trice-damned mirror.

"I am, Lily. I am. Please don't be angry with me. I just wanted to be loved. Yes, I know that I promised I would never touch another woman, but you wouldn't come! Then your son came with the memories, and I just don't understand! Yes, Lily. I'm writing. Just don't hate me anymore. I am sorry. I won't go back if that's what it takes. I promise."

Hermione listened in horror as she heard the sounds of Severus' crying. "It's just she loved me and wasn't afraid to touch me. I'm lonely, and you aren't keeping your promises! You promised you would come out of there if I did what you asked. I did it, and you still wouldn't return to me. Always more and more with you!" He burst out into fresh tears, and Hermione wondered when she should make her presence known.

"I'm writing, I'm writing!" he shouted desperately. "Lily, I am sorry. It's just that Hermione loves me, and she's so sweet, and I-I wanted her so much. I know it won't last. Don't say hurtful things, Lily. I know that no one will ever love me like you did. If you would just come out! DAMN IT, LILY! STOP TORMENTING ME!"

Hermione had heard enough. She walked into the room and saw Severus standing in front of that fucking mirror. His face turned into horror as he watched her slowly advance upon him. He dashed to a wooden table and began to shuffle the papers there.

"Severus, stop it!" she yelled.

She watched his eyes dart from her to the mirror in utter fear. Hermione was flummoxed. She had never seen Severus like this before...ever. She went over to the desk and looked at a large pile of parchments, broken quills, half-empty inkwells and various smudges around the desk. She picked them up and saw what he had been writing.

There were numerous letters of pleading forgiveness, love, and acceptance. Each page had numerous scratching and crossed out sentences. Water spots showed Hermione that at various times Severus had been crying as he wrote. The worst one of all was an entire page that only had the words "Forgive me" written over and over, filling each empty space of the parchment on both sides.

She sat weakly onto the desk chair and looked at his attempts at bargaining. Perhaps if he wrote "Forgive me" enough times, she would relent? Or had the delusions told him to write lines? Either way, it was the most pitiful sight she had ever seen, and her heart ached for him. She looked at the offending mirror, and her rage boiled over. What would she not give to have the real Lily Evans in front of her? She looked at Severus, who was holding himself fiercely as if he would shatter into pieces if he let go. She saw the wild look in his eye, the desperation, guilt, shame, and condemnation that would just not go away.

Hermione was livid. She was angry about it all. At that moment she hated him, herself, Harry, Eugene, his parents, her parents, Lily, Dumbledore, Voldemort...everything that would not let them go. She took the inkwells and one by one smashed them into the mirror, destroying the glass and marring the wood. Severus fell to the floor moaning in despair. His hands were gripping his hair, and he was rocking back and forth on his knees. Hermione picked up all the parchments, jerked Severus to his feet and Apparated back to Garden Cottage.

***

Hermione had the parchments held against her chest as she guided him into the house. She slipped off her shoes and went to the dining room table where she deposited all the parchments. She then slowly took off her coat and looked back at Severus, who was sitting in the mudroom, on the bench where they had found so much pleasure the night before. He still had on his boots and cloak, looking dejected and miserable sitting there, staring onto his hands. She walked past him and hung up her coat and then went back into the dining area.

"Severus, come in and close the door. You are making a draft," she whispered.

He slowly stood and hung his cloak. He walked inside and closed the door behind him.

"Why did you have to destroy the mirror?" he whispered.

Hermione was angry, angrier than she ever remembered being before. "I destroyed the mirror when I saw that," she snapped as she pointed to the parchment with the writing of "Forgive me" written all over it.

His face grew tired, and he picked up the parchment. "She told me to write it, and if I did it well enough, she would consider coming back out of hiding," he said sadly. "It was all so real...I really believed she was there, talking to me, setting more and more conditions on me."

He stopped talking as he let the parchment fall from his fingers, and Hermione asked, "Now do you realize it was all your own mind trying to make it all right again?"

He nodded dumbly. "I needed for it to be over," he said as he stared at the mess in front of him. "I just wanted the nightmare to end."

"Why did you leave?" she asked while trying to control her rage.

He hid his hands in his hair, blocking her view of him. "I was compelled. I needed to end it once and for all, but when I got there, she was so angry, so hurt...I couldn't believe she knew what I had done!" he said in confusion.

"Well, of course 'she' knew, Severus!" she snapped impatiently. "'She' is in your head! She's not even real...just a figment of your guilt and need to punish yourself!"

He gathered the parchments to his chest, crushing some in the process.

"Why does my guilt affect you so?" he bit back angrily. "It's mine, not yours to handle. Or do you want to take her place and dictate to me how to feel, when to feel it, and what to do when you fucking well feel like it?"

Hermione shook her head. "No!" she shouted. "I never wanted to run your life. I just didn't want you destroying Eugene's in the process of ruining your own!"

She looked at him pointedly and continued. "Our lives have become so entangled because we first loved Eugene. Out of that love came a friendship I thought was important to you as it was to me. Perhaps I was wrong!"

She jumped up and started cleaning the dishes from breakfast. "People just don't let their friends drown in fear and madness. For Eugene's sake, for my sake...because I love you...I won't let you fade away into insanity if I can help it." She stopped talking as she felt the pain in her chest return. She looked down at the floor as she felt the tears well up again.

"Hermione?" Severus called. "Hermione, what's wrong?" He jumped up, and the parchments fluttered to the floor as he dashed to hold her up by her shoulders.

"My chest hurts," she gasped through her sobs. "When I saw you were gone, really gone, I felt a pain here," she pressed her hand to her chest. "I could feel something was so very wrong. Seeing you like that in front of that mirror, crying and trying to reason with your own mind...I couldn't take it any more. I do love you, Severus. And when you are in pain, I am too."

"Why would you want to love a broken-down man like me?" he whispered sadly.

Hermione cried. She just released her pain completely. Severus gathered her up and carried her to the couch where he laid her down and stroked her hair from her face. Then he walked slowly over to where all the parchments had fallen, picked them up, and strode over to the fireplace where he threw them in and watched them burn.

Hermione watched him as the fire consumed the parchments. He stood for a long time, watching the flames lick and dance around the burning parchment, and he stroked his arms with his hands. Hermione didn't know what to do. Her heaving sobs had subsided, and now, she was just trying to catch her breath.

Severus began to speak as faced the fireplace, occasionally peeking towards Hermione's direction. "My hurting never seemed to bother her the way it does you. She never shed one tear for me in that mirror for the hundreds I shed for her. I don't want that, Hermione. I know I can choose what I want, but can I choose how to feel? I'm afraid. Even now with that mirror shattered and broken, how will I know she will finally stop tormenting me?"

Hermione sniffed as she wiped her eyes. "Why does her forgiveness have to mean so much?" she asked brokenly.

"What?" he said as he turned to face her. His eyes were burning, and his face was fixed in a grim line.

"Maybe, it's not the forgiveness so much, just the unfairness of it all. We are always having to constantly excuse ourselves for being who we are, for the impossible choices we've had to face, and the decisions we make. Sure, we made terrible choices at times, but who hasn't? Then all the while the people we love hold us to these incredible standards we can never reach, then curse and abandon us when we needed acceptance the most. But it really doesn't matter, does it? Because we aren't good enough, and what we are will never be acceptable," she lamented.

"Who finds you unacceptable?" he sneered.

Hermione looked at him. She felt sad and hurt he didn't remember what she had confided with him. "I told you, Severus, my parents! I can understand their fear of me now. I realize it was too much for them, but even when I was younger, they were drifting away from me, little by little. I wanted so badly for them to be proud of what I was and of who I was becoming. Look at Eugene...he never had a chance, just like Harry. It wasn't their choice to be wizards, it wasn't Harry's fault he couldn't get the Wizengamot or the Ministry to help find you, or even care!" She sighed heavily. "What are we going to do?" she asked as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

Severus looked at her for a long time. Finally, he straightened himself up and said firmly, "We'll live, Hermione. We will live unashamed free lives. To hell with the ingrates who would sneer at us for being different or not living up to their standards."