Chapter 11

Chapter 11

It was another month before Severus spoke to Hermione about the day Harry came to give him back his memories. She had watched from a distance, his need for solace in his own private way. He would never be an easy man to know, she thought one evening as she looked out the window that looked over the fells where Severus walked. However, she found that she really didn't mind.

There had been a few small changes. He called her "Hermione" now, without effort, and in return, she called him "Severus." The house Severus had been living in when Hermione first found him now stood abandoned, along with the source of his madness...the oval mirror that had haunted him with Lily's face. Then there was the day he started to ask her to walk with him again.

The walks varied. Sometimes he wanted silence, other times he would converse with ease. Severus was trying to learn what he could about the history and poetry of the famous writers that had lived in this region, and they had many wonderful conversations about Wordsworth and Coleridge.

"I like Wordsworth's concept of an experience so profound that it begs time before setting quill to parchment," he mused. "I find myself many times unable to find the words to express how I feel at a pivotal moment and then it is only later that I can puzzle it out."

Hermione smiled. "Wordsworth said that Poetry is for the common man, and it should be a product of one's overflowing of feelings that are too powerful to comprehend. However, when the time comes for the recollection of the event, it should come to life through tranquility."

Severus' mouth twisted into a small smile. Then he spoke, "I like that word: tranquility. It reminds me of quiet waters that still are in motion but are in no hurry."

Hermione nodded, and they continued to walk side-by-side.

I think it is incredible how many famous authors were inspired by this area of England," Hermione mused one day as they walked up Loughrigg Terrace.

"Sometimes I feel if I were careful enough, I would be able to see Peter Rabbit or Benjamin Bunny," she said as she laughed.

"Hermione, you forget yourself. If you recall, I am the one who experiences hallucinations," he said dryly.

Hermione chuckled. "Ah, Severus, but you forgot the auditory hallucinations! I don't believe for a second I would be able to hear Peter Rabbit or Benjamin Bunny!"

He raised an eyebrow as he glanced over at her. "It is a moot point, Miss Granger. We would have to be near Ambleside, on Hill Top Farm to be near Beatrix Potter land," he replied coolly.

His return to calling her 'Miss Granger' was not lost on her. "But, still, Professor...think about Shelley, Tennyson, Carlyle, and Hawthorne..."

He interrupted her. "Thank you, Miss Granger, for enlightening me. However would I have survived, living in this paradise, without you to point it out to me?"

Hermione fell silent. He was obviously in a mood and didn't seem interested in talking anymore. They carried on for a while before he spoke to her.

"I thought a great deal about what you told me, Hermione," he said quietly.

"What was that?"

"Who was loved the least, who got the scraps of affection while others reveled in favor. I could never bring myself to eat at Black's table," he continued slowly. "I never let it show, never let it be known that I was so desperately lonely. Some think I am what I project, and perhaps they are right to an extent, but I loved in the only way I knew how to love, and it was cast aside. It had been worthless. I-I...please Hermione. Please let me be. I need to be alone."

Hermione watched his face as she pulled the hair away from her own. His face was so pale and distorted. She couldn't begin to figure what, might be running through his head. The wintry wind was picking up, and she was deeply concerned for his state of mind.

"Normally, Severus, I would just comply without a word. However, it is so cold, and the wind is starting to blow terribly. Are you sure you shall be safe?" she asked as she stepped a little closer to him.

"Quite," he answered. And with that, he pressed on alone.

Hermione made her way back to Garden Cottage and fretted as she looked out the picture window that showed the fells of her land. After indulging in enough worry, she decided to work on supper. She had a roast that had been simmering all day, and it was nearly done. She had just finished frosting a chocolate cake when Eugene breezed in from school. He was stomping his snowy boots in the mudroom, and when he came in, he went straight to Hermione where she was icing the cake.

"Oh, Hermione, that looks absolutely delicious! Can I have a piece before supper? I'm starved!"

Hermione smiled at him. "There are oatmeal cookies in the jar. Just don't eat too many! I don't want all this good food go to waste," she warned him. She watched him as he made his way to the cookie jar. My, he is starting to sprout up! When did that happen? She looked at his trouser legs. He was going to need new clothes, he had to have grown two inches since September, and it was now only the beginning of December.

"Hermione," he asked as he munched on his cookie. "Are we going to have a proper Christmas, with a tree and all that?"

"Of course," she answered as she looked at her finished cake. "I shall have to speak with Severus about any traditions or special things he would like so we all can enjoy the season."

"Where is the professor?" Eugene asked as he went to place his book bag in his room.

"He's walking. He needed to think," Hermione answered vaguely.

"He does that a lot lately," he said with a frown. "What's he got to think about all the time?"

Hermione set the frosting bowl into the kitchen sink and gathered her composure. She smiled to herself. Sometimes, he reminded her of Ron. Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon... "Well," she said as she faced him, wiping her hands on her apron. "It's like this: the professor has had a lot of changes to accept in a short period of time. It's all been quite a shock to his system. He needs to sort himself out."

Eugene shrugged and went to his room.

Hermione walked out of the mudroom door to let Severus know dinner was ready. She threw on her heavy shawl and called for him. He looked so forlorn, trudging in the snow. She wondered why at times he didn't catch his death of cold.

She stood inside the mudroom, and as he walked in, she helped him to unthaw himself. She took his cloak, shook the snow from it, and as she reached up to hang it on the high rack, she felt two cold arms wrap themselves around her waist, right underneath her breasts. They were strong masculine arms that triggered a need, something Hermione had not experienced in a long time...if ever. At least not in the way these arms were holding her, firmly, possessively, with a yearning for more. She closed her eyes and threw back her head as she felt cold lips touch her warm neck. Her hands clenched the material of his cloak as he continued his exploration of her neck. The smell of winter was on him. She wanted his hands to touch her everywhere and never stop. It had been so long since she'd had a man touch her. She turned around in his arms, and he looked down at her with half-lidded eyes.

"Hermione," Severus whispered as he lightly brushed her lips with his own.

"I love you."

Hermione thought she had imagined something. His kiss was so light she felt she was flying. It was the kiss she had wanted for so long. It wasn't perfect, but it held promise. He was gentle, and she didn't feel a sense of urgency. This wizard would take his time to savor her, to taste her, and lure her desires from inside her. It sounded as if he said he loved her, but he couldn't...he would never love her. Not that way... or could he?

Dinner that night was...different. Eugene went on and on about his day at school, and he even reported that Steven, the ringleader the boys' little gang at Grasmere Primary, had gotten a girlfriend.

"Can you believe it? He turns eleven, and then all of a sudden he can't be arsed with being with just us blokes no more. He's off with Cindy!"

Hermione felt her face grow a bit warm. "Is that her name?"

"Yeah. She wears skirts, and he stares at her all the time. All she has to do is call out his name, and he comes runnin' like a divvy! We caught them kissing, and he had his hand up her shirt behind the church! Boy, did we take the mickey out of him!"

"I don't think that was very nice, Eugene," said Severus reprovingly. "Steven is starting to grow up. He's becoming a young man. He's one year older, but in his case, it could mean a world's difference. You will understand the allure of girls when you get a bit older."

Hermione felt Severus' gaze upon her for a moment as he spoke.

"We...ll," Eugene drawled out. "There's a bit more to it. I mean all us older boys are talkin' about girls. At least they are!" He looked defensive when he said the last part.

Hermione looked over at Severus, who was growing paler by the second. "You sound a bit insecure, Eugene," mused Hermione. "You know, it isn't as if a ten-year-old boy hasn't ever noticed girls before."

Eugene swallowed the greens he had been chewing for a while and said, "The lads talk a lot. They know stuff. The bigger boys, like Steven and David, all the girls like 'em, an' they are always talking about kissin'... and... things..."

Eugene's face was now turning red. Hermione caught the subtle quietness that had descended suddenly at the table. She looked over at Severus, who wore a look of sheer terror on his face.

"Eugene," asked Hermione delicately. "You are going to Hogwarts next year. You'll be eleven in three months time. You're growing up real fast as well. I wonder if any girls have caught your interest...just a little? Or perhaps you have some questions now that some of your friends have girlfriends?"

Eugene squirmed in his seat, and Hermione glanced at Severus again as she took a sip of wine. They caught each other's eye, and Hermione smiled timidly. Severus, though, looked as inscrutable as ever.

"Well," Eugene said. "There's a girl in my class. She's kinda quiet, you know? She doesn't giggle and talk about stupid stuff like the other girls. Steven's girlfriend is like that! She's so silly and wears make-up. She keeps talking about how mature she is and how happy she'll be to leave Primary and go off to a boarding school. Steven likes how she flirts and giggles around him. He gets all red and tongue-tied.

"But this girl, her name is Allison. She's got blonde hair that has curls all around her face. It's short, and she's really thin like me, but shorter. She sometimes will smile a little at me when I walk by, and her cheeks get pink. Kind of like yours are, Hermione. Why do girls blush so easy and then lower their faces? Did I make her feel bad, or does she think I'm stupid?"

Hermione was quick to quash any and all ideas he might have about not being good enough for any girl. "No, Eugene. You aren't doing anything wrong. Girls get unsure and shy around boys they think are cute, and they blush and drop their eyes. Even grown women do this sometimes," she confessed softly. "It's just nervousness."

Severus was now hanging onto her every word, and Eugene began to laugh. "Professor! You look like Steven when he looks at Cindy!"

"That will be enough of that cheek!" snapped Severus.

Eugene went back to his plate with his head bowed, chastened. Hermione ignored Severus' obvious discomfort at Eugene's ability to detect his new found interest in her.

"Eugene, Allison sounds lovely. What else is different about her?" Hermione prodded.

The young boy's large blue eyes glazed over, and he said, "She likes to read. She's serious, not silly. But she likes my jokes. Everyone thinks they're corny, but she laughs, and her smile is so nice. It makes me feel...uh." He cleared his throat and started again in a more practical tone. "She's like a pixie, so small and stuff. The only thing is she's really quiet, and it's really hard to talk to her. She doesn't hang around like the other girls do, and she doesn't look like the other girls, or at least not like Sarah," he said sadly as he blushed.

There is certainly more to the story than he's letting on, thought Hermione.

They ate in silence for a few minutes while Hermione waited in irritation for Severus to say something as the male role model in the boy's life. And who the hell is Sarah?

Eugene suddenly burst out, saying, "Is it true that girls want boys to put their penises inside them?"

Severus began to choke, and Hermione had to whack him on the back. She wanted to whack him upside the head and tell him to get a grip as well.

"Is that what the boys talk about?" Hermione asked innocently.

Eugene kept glancing over at Severus while he spoke. "Well, they think girls really like it when boys do that stuff. Steven even had a magazine that showed all kinds of things. You could see everything. The woman looked happy about it, and she was really grown-up. I see the other girls, and they don't look like that, but maybe when they are older they will, and they'll want to do those things.

"Perhaps," Hermione replied. "How does all this new information about women and girls make you feel?"

"I don't know," he mumbled, and then he shot a furtive look towards Severus.

He pushed his food around, and Hermione leaned slightly across the table and said, "Eugene, you're hearing a lot of things, and I just want you to know that what you may be feeling...even confusion...when you see those pictures are normal."

Finally, Severus spoke up. "Now, Eugene, you have told us your honest interest in girls, and that is good and right that you should share those things with us. I would like to have a man-to-man talk with you, now that you are growing up. I wanted to do it alone, but I think Hermione may have some insights you need to know since she was a girl herself.

"First," he said after he wiped his mouth. "I never, and I repeat, never want to hear of you being rude, disrespectful, or cruel to any girl. Secondly, if I hear that you have struck or hexed a female at Hogwarts, and believe me, I shall hear of it, I will come down to that school and thrash you right in front of the entire assembly. Wizards do not hit or hex witches unless they are dueling or in battle. It's plain and simple."

"What if she hits me first?" he asked, affronted.

"Then you walk away after apologizing for the behavior that caused her to strike you!" he said, looking exasperated. "Most witches do not go around hitting or hexing wizard unless there is a damn good reason. You will also need to curb your vocabulary around witches. Wizards can be crude and say questionable things amongst themselves, but never say them in front of girls. I want you to live by this rule: every female you meet, I want you to think about Hermione. Would you treat Hermione that way? Would you say cruel and hateful words to Hermione? Would you ever hit Hermione or deliberately hurt her feelings?"

"NO!" said Eugene, visibly upset.

"Then I promise you, life will be kinder to you for it. It won't be easy. You may fancy a girl who doesn't return your feelings. If you need to talk about it, just come to us, and we will... help you sort it out," Severus concluded uncomfortably.

Now encouraged, Eugene began to talk more. "There is this girl, Sarah, and she keeps trying to kiss me with her tongue. All the other boys tell me I should do it. She got...uh... stuff...and she's pretty. But if I kiss her, it'll hurt Allison. I like Allison more; I just don't want to kiss her like that. She's so small, and she doesn't have... uh." He stopped talking, his face beet red.

"A chest, right?" asked Hermione.

Eugene nodded, looking very embarrassed as he stared at his plate.

"Now, uh." Severus' face went beet red as well at this point. "I think we need to discuss the things that happen between men and women...and it should only be for adults! After seeing that magazine, I'm sure you know about the rudimentary facts concerning sexual intercourse?"

Hermione looked at him as if he were some kind of Muggle Sex Ed teacher. By the book, and all that.

Eugene was turning nearly purple by now and mumbled, "Yes."

"Well, you should not even consider having sex until you find the one witch with whom you wish to spend your life," Severus stated firmly. "Well, ah, Hermione, would you like to say anything about this area?"

Hermione was curious at Severus' awkwardness. She was also certain Eugene was lying about what he claimed to understand about sexual intercourse. Perhaps Severus' discomfort stemmed from the fact it was what was on his mind at the moment. She knew sex was on her mind. After that interlude in the mudroom, images of those lips on her nipples, and his hands between her legs were making her hot and bothered.

"Eugene. Severus is right. Sex should not be something you do in the heat of the moment UNTIL you have found a woman that you wish to have a long-lasting relationship with. It will be difficult, your hormones will be growing, and the need will be urgent. Just remember that is all normal. Wanting to have sex is not wrong. The key word is to always be gentle. Even with your attitude, you are to be a gentleman. Always be respectful." Hermione didn't even want to think about how to explain what he should do if a girl didn't want him to be a gentleman! Hopefully, by that time, he would have figured it out or, for Merlin's sake, gone to Severus to talk.

Severus cleared his voice. "Here are the rules: First, NEVER, EVER have sex with a girl who is drunk. It doesn't matter the circumstances, DO NOT DO IT. Some people don't know what they are doing when they are drunk. Sometimes, bad wizards put drugs in witches' drinks to make them feel like they want sex. DO NOT DO IT. Secondly, always practice protection. I'll teach you about that another time. Thirdly, if you are in the middle of things and she says 'stop,' you stop! When a girl says 'no,' respect her 'no.'

"If I ever hear that you had sex with a girl when she said 'no,' I will come to Hogwarts and personally take you to Azkaban Prison myself! It is a horrible crime to force a woman to have sex. It's called rape. You should only have sex with a woman you love and respect, and who loves and respects you in return. Actually, you shouldn't consider having sex with a woman until you know she wants to make a life with you," interjected Severus as he lowered his head from view. "Then you won't ever be hurt."

Both Eugene and Hermione looked at Severus in silence. Hermione was sure they were both shocked at Severus' last comment but for different reasons.

Cumbrian Dialect

Divvy = Idiot